[Starts with SNL Monologue intro]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Stewart!
[Band is playing music]
[Kristen Stewart walks in and to the stage]
[Cheers and applause]
Kristen Stewart: Thank you. Thank you. I am so stoked to be hosting “Saturday Night Live.” I’m going to be real with you all, I don’t feel totally comfy standing up here and talking about myself. I feel like I do at the dinner table sometimes, “Charlie’s Angels” is probably the most fun I’ve ever had done anything but could I please be excused now? So, I thought instead of me just talking up here, I would do one of the audience question monologue. Sound good? All right. What about you? What’s your name?
[Cut to Erin in the audience]
Erin: Hi, my name is Erin. I’m a huge fan.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Thank you. That’s very sweet. So would you say you’re probably closer with your mom or your dad?
[Cut to Erin in the audience]
Erin: Huh? I thought I was going to ask you a question about your career and stuff.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Oh, I already know those answers. So, who do you feel, mom or dad?
[Cut to Erin in the audience]
Erin: Can I not?
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: That means mom. But you know that? Thank you for really going there with me. You were present. I appreciate it. How about you, how are you?
[Cut to audience. There’s a guy sitting in the middle.]
Unknown guy: Hey, I’m good.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Like, really, how are you hough?
[Cut to the guy.]
Unknown guy: What do you want from me, Kristen Stewart? I said, “Good.”
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Wow, you don’t seem good.
[Cut to the guy.]
Unknown guy: Everybody goes out after work but they won’t tell me where they’re going.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Do you think maybe if they see us kissing on TV, they’ll think you’re kind of cool.
[Cut to the guy.]
Unknown guy: That’s okay.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Fine. Anyone else?
[Cut to Pete Davidson in the audience]
Pete Davidson: Hey, Kristen, I’ll answer some questions. Ask me anything, I’m an open book. I’ll put it all out there.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Yes, you will. The thing is I just think it’s all pretty much out there.
[Cut to Pete Davidson in the audience]
Pete Davidson: Fair.
[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Actually, everyone in the cast has been super genuine. Everyone is so real, it’s refreshing.
[Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney walks to Kristen Stewart. They are dressed like Kristen Stewart.]
Beck Bennett: Hey, Kristen.
Kyle Mooney: What’s up, Kristen?
Beck Bennett: Yeah, you know we always keep it real with you.
Kristen Stewart: Why are you dressed like me?
Beck Bennett: Who, us?
Kyle Mooney: I always keep it greasy clean.
Beck Bennett: Look, wet, get wet.
Kristen Stewart: That’s what I always say. And you look hot!
Beck Bennett: Yeah! It worked!
Kristen Stewart: So, we’ve got a great show. Coldplay is here. Stick around. It’s going to be tight.