Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Furonica… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]

Barbara and Furonica: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.

Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.

Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.

Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.

Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.

Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.

Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.

Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.

Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.

Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.

[Barbara shows out a cat]

Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.

[Barbara and Furonica laughing looking at each other.]

Furonica: You used to do stand-ups.  You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.

Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.

Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.

[Furonica starts touching Barbara]

Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.

Furonica: Farts are funny.

Barbara: How old are you again?

Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.

Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]

Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]

Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.

Furonica: I think I know you like it.

Barbara: Oh, boy.

Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.

Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.

Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.

Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.

Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.

Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.

[Mr. Majestical walks in and is dancing]

‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.

Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.

[Mr. Majestical walks out]

Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.

Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking

Barbara: So, come on down …

Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.

Thanksgiving Parade

Nate… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Woody balloon… Mikey Day

Madeline balloon… Kristen Wiig

Clown balloon… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with short video clip of Macy’s parade] [Cut to Nate with his friends at an apartment. There are two kids playing.]

Nate: So, does this beat thanksgiving in Pennsylvania or what?

Kyle: You know, it’s really nice. Thanks again for having us.

Nate: Hey, when my baby brother says Rugrats want to come to Unkie Nate’s apartment and see the parade balloons up close, I answered with a resounding, “No, prob.” But seriously, how about this pad, huh? Damn! Would you kill for this place or what?

Vanessa: It’s really something, Nate. I don’t even want to know how much you paid for this place.

Nate: And… I don’t wanna tell you. [laughing] But it’s $28,500 a month.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Alright, that’s enough, Nate!

Nate: Oh, look who finally decided to join the living? Sleep well, Tess?

Cecily: You know what? It’s just too early for like, the full ‘Nate’ right now. Okay? [to the kids] Hey you guys, did I miss the balloons?

Vanessa: Oh, no. I think they’re starting now.

Kyle: [to the kids] Ooh, guys, hey look. It’s Woody from Toy Story.

[Woody balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh, my gosh. Look, you guys. Oh, wow, he’s right there. Say hi to Woody, kids. Oh, my god. Hey, this is so incredible.

Nate: I know, right? It’s even got steam shower.

Cecily: She’s not talking about the apartment, Nate.

Nate: She should be, it’s sick.

Vanessa: Oh, look! I think another balloon is coming.

Kyle: Oh, yes. it’s Madeline.

[Madeline balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh my gosh! She’s my favorite. You guys, I used to love those books.

[the balloon turns toward them]

Kyle: Hi! Guys! Hi, Madeline.

Vanessa: Hi. Um, is she getting closer?

Kyle: Yeah, um, you know what? It’s probably just the wind.

Vanessa: Um, does that normally happen, Nate?

Nate: I don’t know. I usually go to the Islands for thanksgivings, but um… [gets scared of the balloon as it’s too close] Whow!

Kyle: It’s okay, kids. It’s just a little windy and that makes it hard for the people on the ground to control the balloons.

[Madeline balloon passes. A clown ballon comes in.]

Nate: Oh my god! Oh, no!

Vanessa: Ah! It’s horrifying.

Kyle: It’s just one of those vintage balloon. Vintage balloons, they’re bringing back this year, guys.

Vanessa: I don’t know if I like seeing the balloons so close.

[Woody balloon and Madeline balloon also comes in]

Kyle: Wait, it seem to be sort of… they’re bunching up together. What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah. Yeah. I see the hold up. Kristen Chenoweth is singing some sort of song down there.

Vanessa: Oh, okay, let’s go by uncle Nate. Maybe you can see better. Okay? Let’s go right over here.

[Vanessa pulls their kids to another corner. As they move, the balloons turn their heads wherever they’re moving.]

Are they following us?

Cecily: Alright, um, yap. Yap, they’re definitely following us.

Vanessa: Honey, the kids are scared. Can you–

Kyle: Yes. Yes. Of course. I know they’re kind of scary up close, okay? But there is nothing to be afraid of.

Vanessa: Why don’t these balloons just leave.

[The other balloons are gone. But now, there’s a girl in Madeline balloons hand.]

Is that stupid song done yet?

Nate: Oh, man! Somebody got tangled up in Madeline’s cables.

[The girl is screaming]

Cecily: Oh my god! Is that Kristen Chenoweth?

Vanessa: Oh, that poor woman. She is so small.

Kyle: Kids, kids, Kristen Chenoweth is going to be fine. Okay?

[Kristen Chenoweth falls]

Okay, you know. Um, let’s go. Let’s go to bedroom and watch TV. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Nate: So much for defying gravity.

Cecily: Nate!

[Woody balloon and clown balloon are tangled together like they’re having sex.]

Nate: What the hell is happening.

[The End]

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth] [Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.] [Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.] [Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod] [cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.

[buzzer]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.

QVC Auditions

Joyce Childers… Cecily Strong

Joe… Bobby Moynihan

Christie Berkie… Kristen Wiig

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with video title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Joyce Childers in her closet]

Joyce Childers: Hi, I am Joyce Childers and I am making this video in order to audition reel for the guest host position at QVC. As you can see, we are in my closet because, my forte is closet. Well, organization in closet. And I am realizing right now that my panties are all behind my head. And now I look like a pantie addict. Thanks, Joe!

Joe: What? I thought it was good.

Joyce Childers: It’s not good, Joe. And now you’re in my shot. So, let’s just do it again. Please, just let’s do it again.

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hi. I’m Christie Berkie. And this is my audition reel for guest host for QVC. Right away, I just wanna say I do know that my friend and neighbor Joyce Childers is auditioning as well. She is an amazing person. But I do think she is– no. I’m not gonna say anything bad. No. I’ll just say that all of my friends think that– no. I just said I wasn’t gonna say anything bad. She is what she is. You can always just google her, which I think you should, and stuff will come up. I love her.

Um, okay, accessories. We are currently in my necklace room. And what I wanna show you is–

[dog crying]

Oh, my god! I just stepped on the dog. He can’t be here, Louis!

Louis: I didn’t know.

Christie Berkie: Peanut has to be in his crate. And now that’s one point for Joyce coz I look like a dick that kicks dogs in the butt. Great! Start over. Cut. Great, Louis.

[Cut to with title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Joyce Childers. She has her panties removed this time]

Joyce Childers: Hi, it’s me Joyce, future QVC host. I just– I ant you guys to know that QVC is my number one dream and every single person that knows me has said that I was born to do this. And there are people out there that are okay with like, hijacking dreams because– um– [breathing heavy] I have to– um, I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Are you okay?

Joyce Childers: No. Joe! Please don’t come over here. You stress me out. Just… I gotta go. Walk around. Just, please do not follow me and do not touch anything. I am fine. Okay.

[Joyce Childers walks out] [Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hey guys, it’s your gal pal Christie Berkie here to show you how to dress up any work outfit and give it a touch of sparkle and glam with clip-on glamour baubles. [Christie Berkie shows a necklace] Look how this glistens in the sunlight.

[Joyce Childers is peeking through the window glass]

Was that Joyce? Did I just see Joyce in our window?

Louis: That was Joyce.

Christie Berkie: What is that bitch up to? Anyway, we’ll cut around all this. Okay. This imitation crystal pieces will enliven any–

[Joyce Childers throws dirt on Christie Berkie’s window and looks at her.]

I see you! I see you, get over here!

[Joyce Childers opens the window]

Joyce Childers: What?

Christie Berkie: What are you doing? What are you even doing?

Joyce Childers: What are you doing? Stealing dreams that friends know is for me?

Christie Berkie: That is not good English. You will never make it with that kind of English on QVC.

Joyce Childers: [mocking] “On QVC, on QVC.” That’s what you sound like. Get your own life.

Christie Berkie: I have it! I have a life. Stop talking about that because I have it.

Joyce Childers: Maybe I should take it away! You see what this is in my pocket? [trying to bluff]

Christie Berkie: I don’t know what that is Joyce. Okay? I have no idea.

[Joyce Childers lifts her shirt a little. We can see a gun handle out of her pocket]

Joyce Childers: What do you think that handles to?

Christie Berkie: Oh, is that you gun? Is that what that is? Louis, she brought her gun. Surprise! Surprise! I guess she’s going to kill another person on accident.

Joyce Childers: Well, if I do it, will you stop stealing?

Louis: Joyce, don’t be a fool.

Christie Berkie: Look, this is all going to QVC. This is all going to QVC, Joyce.

Joyce Childers: No, it’s not.

Christie Berkie: Yes, it is. This is my audition tape. And I can have it be whatever I want.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Honey, what are you doing here?

Christie Berkie: Your wife is going to shoot us through our window.

Joe: Ah! It’s not a real gun. It’s from a play I’m directing.

Christie Berkie: Oh, my god! Joyce! You are such a joke!

Joyce Childers: Oh, really? Well, you wanna know what’s a better joke? Your husband is gay and I know it because he is sleeping with my husband.

[Joe and Louis walk away]

I hear them every night in our baby’s room just going, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want it.”

Christie Berkie: Stop it.

Joyce Childers: Okay, Christie, are you going to send that to QVC? Coz I’m sure they’ll love that.

Christie Berkie: Get out of my house!

Joyce Childers: [screaming] Ah!

[Cut to QVC video bumper] [Cut to Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie hosting the show together]

Christie Berkie: Well, guys, that hour just flew.

Joyce Childers: I guess that’s just what happens when you guest host QVC with your best friend.

Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie: Keep shopping, you guys.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar] [singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock
[an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.”
[Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face
[Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in] but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were
10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea
[Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria
[They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn.
[two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream
[Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Gloria Borger… Cecily Strong

David Axelrod… Kyle Mooney

Dana Bash… Kristen Wiig

Kayleigh McEnany… Kate McKinnon

Van Jones… Kenan Thompson

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper with five participants to his show in the set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening and welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. It’s been 10 days since the election and we are covering every moment of Donald Trump’s Transition. Joining me tonight at two gib ugly desks are CNN Chief Political Analyst, Gloria Borger.

[She is busy on her phone.]

Gloria Borger: Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.

Anderson Cooper: Former advisor of President Obama, David Axelrod

David Axelrod: Hi, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: CNN Chief Political Correspondent, Dana Bash.

Dana Bash: It’s Dana, for some reason.

Anderson Cooper: Trump supporter, Kayleigh McEnany.

Kayleigh McEnany: Thank you. I am smug to be here.

Anderson Cooper: And former Obama Administration Official, Van Jones.

Van Jones: I’m the good one.

Anderson Cooper: Now, this has been an unprecedented week, but we at CNN are here to hold Donald Trump accountable. Let’s start with some breaking news. Donald Trump wants top secret security clearance for his kids, even though they’re also running his business. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: Uh- this isn’t like when Trump called women fat. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares. But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Um, more breaking news. The entire KKK is planning a parade to celebrate Trump’s win. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he asked for security clearances for his kids. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Sorry, more breaking news. Donald Trump may force all Muslims to register in the United States. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when the entire KKK threw him a parade. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Breaking news again. Steve Bannon, a white nationalist has been named Trump’s Chief Strategist. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he wanted to put all the Muslims on the list. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Looks like we have some more breaking news. I– I– I’m sorry, I just had this weird memory like we keep doing the same–

[Anderson Cooper and all the participants are paused. They are not moving.] [Two guys come in wearing a protective suit.]

Pete: Which one’s malfunctioning?

Mikey: One on the glasses has skipped out of his loop. He was starting to remember.

Pete: Alright, let’s get it back to programming.

Mikey: Bring in the replacement host.

[Pete and Mikey walk out with Anderson Cooper] [Jake Tapper walks in as substitute host]

Jake Tapper: I’m Jake Tapper. Breaking news, Donald Trump has settled a massive fraud lawsuit for $25 million. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

[The End]

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.] [cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing] [Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.] [the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing] [singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance] Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop] [cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing] [cheers and applause]

Monologue Bill Hader Sings With Kristen Wiig And Harvey Fierstein

Bill Hader

Kristen Wiig

Harvey Fierstein

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [the band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.

A girl in the audience: I love you!

Bill Hader: I love you.

[audience cheering]

Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?

I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.

[Kristen Wiif walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.

Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.

Bill Hader: I can’t

Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.

Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.

[music starts playing]

Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.

Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?

Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.

[singing]

I know you can sing it

go ahead and wing it

they are gonna love it

Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!

Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.

[drums roll]

Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending

now you have to do it

tonight’s your night

you’re gonna wild the crowd

Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]

Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here

so Bill just sing it loud

Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig

thank you for talking me into this

this is a dream come true [audience laughing]

I’m really killing this.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.

[cheers and applause]

With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.

Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!

[Harvey Fierstein walks in] [cheers and applause]

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?

Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?

Kristen Wiig: I just got here.

Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.

Kristen Wiig: There better be!

[Kristen Wiig walks away]

Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.

Bill Hader: Just like you?

Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.

[drums roll and music starts]

Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard

Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird

Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it

[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]

Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night

Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.

Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go

Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!

Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage] [cheers and applause]