Monologue Bill Hader Sings With Kristen Wiig And Harvey Fierstein

Bill Hader

Kristen Wiig

Harvey Fierstein

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [the band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.

A girl in the audience: I love you!

Bill Hader: I love you.

[audience cheering]

Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?

I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.

[Kristen Wiif walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.

Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.

Bill Hader: I can’t

Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.

Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.

[music starts playing]

Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.

Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?

Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.

[singing]

I know you can sing it

go ahead and wing it

they are gonna love it

Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!

Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.

[drums roll]

Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending

now you have to do it

tonight’s your night

you’re gonna wild the crowd

Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]

Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here

so Bill just sing it loud

Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig

thank you for talking me into this

this is a dream come true [audience laughing]

I’m really killing this.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.

[cheers and applause]

With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.

Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!

[Harvey Fierstein walks in] [cheers and applause]

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?

Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?

Kristen Wiig: I just got here.

Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.

Kristen Wiig: There better be!

[Kristen Wiig walks away]

Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.

Bill Hader: Just like you?

Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.

[drums roll and music starts]

Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard

Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird

Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it

[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]

Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night

Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.

Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go

Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!

Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage] [cheers and applause]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen] [Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them] [Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.] [Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.