Tag: Kumail Nanjiani

Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.]

[the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume]

[everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently]

[Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

Nursing Home

Mrs. Conor… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Grammy… Kate McKinnon

Doctor… Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with Mrs. Conor and Mikey visiting Grammy in elderly nursing home]

Mrs. Conor: Hey, Grammy.

Mikey: Like you shoes, grammy. Pretty sharp.

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: I’m really glad you both came by to visit Maureen. I know this is a long driver for you two.

Mikey: Of course, doctor. We’ve got to make sure Grammy knows we still care about her.

Mrs. Conor: So, how has she been? Is she adjusting okay?

Doctor: She’s getting along just fine, Mrs. Conor.

Mrs. Conor: Are you making any friends yet, Grammy?

Doctor: She’s making plenty of friends.

Mikey: She seems a little out of it today. Is she okay?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She’s a little grumpy because she just got her penicillin shot. She doesn’t exactly love needles.

Mrs. Conor: Penicillin? What’s wrong?

Doctor: Just a little gonorrhea. Well, I’ll leave you three alone to sort of–

Mrs. Conor: What?

Mikey: Gonorrhea?

Doctor: There’s no need to panic. It’s very treatable. It should be  cleared up in a week or so.

Mikey: How did this happen?

Doctor: We think sex.

Mrs. Conor: She’s 91 years old. [Grammy is smiling]

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, your grandmother may be 91 but she still has a very active sex life.

Mikey: So you let them have sex here?

Doctor: She’s an adult woman of sound mind. She can do whatever she wants. Casual sex between residents is actually very common in nursing homes. It’s really not that big a deal.

Mikey: Well, can’t you at least give them protection so that they are safe?

Doctor: of course, but we can’t make them use it. We can barely get them to put in their teeth. You know how stubborn your grandma can be.

Mikey: So, which one of these old dudes gave my grandma gonorrhea?

Doctor: This time, we don’t know.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. What do you mean this time? She got it more than once?

Doctor: Eight.

Mikey: She got gonorrhea eight times?

Doctor: We’re not exactly sure who is giving it to whom at this point. There’s sort of a round Robin situation between her and six or so other residents.

Mrs. Conor: They’re taking advantage of her.

Doctor: Believe me. Nobody is taking advantage of her, Mrs. Conor. She’s running a train. They’re running a train but she’s the conductor.

[Grammy is giving a bad-ass smile]

Mrs. Conor: They’re all in there at the same time?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes. It would.

Doctor: I see.

Mrs. Conor: [to Grammy] Grammy, how could you?

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, relax. It’s actually really sweet. After every encounter, the gentlemen even leave her a single rose.

[There are a pile of roses on her table]

Mikey: Oh my god! All of that is for sex? Doctor, what can we do to stop this?

Doctor: She’s not doing anything wrong. And frankly, it is great for morale. Since Maureen has joined the home, riots have been way down. From the residents to the staff, everyone is happier with Maureen around.

Mrs. Conor: She’s not sleeping with staff too?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes!

Doctor: I see.

Mikey: that’s it. We are taking her out of this nursing home.

Doctor: Well, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Conor: Why can’t we?

Doctor: Because she’s asleep.

[Grammy is acting like she’s asleep]

Mikey: Okay, well then, when she wakes up.

Doctor: Alright, fine. But it’s still gonna happen. Just somewhere else. Your grandma likes to bang. Just let her. Look, getting old is tough. It can get lonely here. A lot of residents here want to give up on life.

Mrs. Conor: Oh.

Mikey: Wow.

Doctor: But then we send your grandmother to their room, and she convinces them that there is still a reason to go on living like only she can. By letting her go nuts on them.

Mikey: That’s disgusting.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. Maybe he’s right.

Mikey: You know, I guess if it really means that much to the home and grammy is happy, then fine by me.

Mrs. Conor: Me too.

Grammy: Me too. Ha-ha!

All: Grammy?

Kumail Nanjiani Stand Up Monologue

Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kumail Nanjiani.

[Kumail Nanjiani walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kumail Nanjiani: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haha. I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ right now. That is what is happening. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m here. I remember, since I was a little kid in Pakistan, I remember on Saturday nights, my whole family would get together and watch ‘Star Trek’. We didn’t get ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is awesome. Um, I had a movie earlier this summer called ‘The Bic Sick’. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Um, people who don’t know, ‘The Big Sick’ is the true story of the first year of the relationship between my eventual wife and I, and my wife Emily is a white American person. And my parents wanted me to marry a Muslim Pakistani person. Things didn’t quite go their way– I’m getting ahead of myself. I was the second person from my family to leave Pakistan and come to the west. I had an uncle decades before me who was going to Scotland and the Nanjianis were very excited. And they were like, “Hey, remember the deal. Be good.” And he was like, “Yeah. Got it.” And then he got to Scotland, fell in love with a white woman, married her and the Nanjianis were like, “Never again. Let’s regroup. Let’s tighten this up.” And then for decades, nobody left. The next person who left was me 40 years later. I came to America, fell in love with a white woman, married her, and then made a movie about it. Just to rub it in their face. Nanjiani-0, white women-2. When I called my mom to tell her, she wasn’t even upset. She was like, “You know what? This time, shame on us.”

The movie was well received, mostly. I read everything online which don’t do that. I read a guy said, “I watched the whole movie. I just don’t like race mixing thing.” Yeah. First of all, nobody good ever uses the phrase “race mixing”. Even if someone was like, “I’m pro-race-mixing,” I’d be like, “Why are you talking like that? Are you an undercover KKK dragon?” The other thing, why did you watch the whole movie? Were you hoping for a twist at the end? did you think at the end I’d rip off my mask like, “Ha-ha, it’s me, Chris Pine. I am a white person.” The only thing worth mixing is frisbee and golf. Let’s go eat some ranch dressing.

My twitter mentions were a little bit of a nightmare after the movie. A lot of people were like, “Go back to India!” Which I have never been to India. Or were you just hoping I have an awesome vacation soon? Here’s my fantasy. This is my fantasy. My fantasy is when someone’s racist to me, I want to danger to befall them immediately. And then I want to rescue them just to see the confused look on their face. Like, I want them to be like, “Go back to India. Ha-ha. Wolves!” And then I fight off the wolves and they’re like, “We were racist to you and you still saved us.” and I go, “That is the way of my people.”

Islamophobia is really on the rise right now. It never went away but it’s really having a moment right now. Islamophobia is kind of like ‘Will and grace’. You know. It was a huge a while ago, then it was gone and we thought it was done but now it’s back and bigger than ever. Thursdays on NBC. They make me say that.

I saw a guy be like, “Of course all muslims are sexist. The Quran says women can’t drive.” Yeah, pretty sure the Quran never said that. Because if the Quran had said women can’t drive cars 1400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now and so would all of you. Because that would mean the Quran predicted cars. If 1400 years ago, the Quran was like, “Some day there will be metallic box that will carry you wherever you want. And it will have four wheels. And you will have to put gasoline in it. And it will have a little speedometer to tell you how fast you are going. And it will have a bluetooth connection. And women shouldn’t drive it.” I would be like, “I know two things for sure. Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” [applause]

I am so glad you laughed at that coz otherwise it sounds like I’m just giving a divisive speech. “Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” That will definitely be the quote on the internet tomorrow.

Sikh people get attacked all the time for being Muslim. Spoiler alert, they’re not. But they’re brown and they wear turbans so people attack them for being Muslim. Which must put them in such an awkward position because they’re like, “I”m not Muslim. Not that you should attack Muslims. But if you’re looking to attack Muslims, which you shouldn’t, I’m not one. There is a Muslim right over there. Don’t attack him. Unless somebody’s definitely getting attacked, in which case, get it right, which is wrong.”

Which brings me to my problem with most racism. Here is my problem with most racism. It’s the inaccuracy. That’s what bugs me. I’m like, “Do the research! Put in work! You will see the benefits.” I’ll give you an example. If someone yells at me, “Go back to India,” I’d be like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But if someone was like, “Go back to Pakistan which was part of India until 1947 and is now home to the world’s world’s oldest salt mine,” I would be like, “that guys seems to know what he’s talking about. I’ll pack my bags.” Just because you’re racist doesn’t mean you have to be ignorant. And informed racist is a better racist.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Pink is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Hotel Check In

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kumail Nanjiani

Chris Redd

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck showing Mr. Adams around]

Beck: Here we are, Mr. Adams. We figured you would like to spend your first night seaside at something a little more nicer than a Motel 6.

Mr. Adams: Yeah. This is– wow. I can’t thank you enough, sir. Not just for this, but for everything you guys did to get me out of North Korea.

Beck: Just doing our job. And the next time you wanna make a documentary, try Paris. I hear they’re a little more welcoming to Americans with cameras. But not much. Now, get some rest and enjoy the hotel. The US government is picking up the tab. Welcome home.

Mr. Adams: Thank you so much, sir.

[Mr. Adams walks to the reception]

Kumail: Hello, welcome to Chatsworth Marriott experience. May I have the last name on the reservation, please?

Mr. Adams: Yeah. Adams.

[Kumail looks into computer]

Kumail: Can you spell that for me?

Mr. Adams: Um, sure. A–

Kumail: Found it. I see your room and incidentals have been taken care of. And since this is your first time staying with us, I would love to tell you about some of our amenities such as the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Oh. You know what, man, I’m good. I just want to get into my room and relax.

Kumail: Wonderful. And where are you traveling in from?

Mr. Adams: Um, North Korea.

Kumail: Fantastic. Just give me a moment while I pull up your room.

[Chris and Leslie walk in]

Chris: Hey man, sorry to interrupt. Could you get us some towels sent to room? It’s room 904.

Leslie: Can you also send up a boyfriend who doesn’t flirt with other girls to room 904?

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Perfect. Another night of screaming. All the time.

[Chris and Leslie leave]

Kumail: Okay. So we have you in room 905. And while I print your key, I would love to tell you about some of our amenities such as the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Again, man, I’m not interested, man.

Kumail: Of course. More time to enjoy our spa, indulge, which was featured in Latitudes. That’s Southwest Airlines inflight magazine.

Mr. Adams: No. Thank you.

Kumail: Are you sure? Your reservation comes with a complimentary spa service. I could book you a hot stone massage for tomorrow.

Mr. Adams: Well, that actually sounds nice.

Kumail: Fantastic. And I see we have an appointment. You’re in luck. And done. Hot stone massage tomorrow with Carly at 5:15 AM.

Mr. Adams: Oh, that’s too early. Cancel that please.

Kumail: My apologies, but cancellations must be made 24 hours in advance. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

Mr. Adams: Yeah, man. I want to check into my room.

Kumail: Ha-ha. Of course. And while I finish your reservation, canI offer you a complimentary glass of champagne?

Mr. Adams: Yes, please.

Kumail: Excellent, that will be available in the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: You keep pushing the Stargazer lounge. I’m not going there, man.

Kumail: Of course. However, you didn’t hear this from me, but the Stargazer’s headline act this evening is the Danny band. They were featured in Latitude magasine.

Mr. Adams: Okay. I don’t know what the Danny band is. I don’t read Latitude’s magazine. I just want you to show me to my room, man.

Kumail: Of course. [Kumail hands over a paper] Here’s a map of the property. We are here on that x that I have just drawn for you. This is Indulge, our spa which was featured in Latitudes magazine.

Mr. Adams: I don’t care. I don’t care.

Kumail: Okay. The escalator here will bring you to the Mezzanine where you will find the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: No, my room. My room.

Kumail: Of course. The lobby elevator which is right here will take you to your room as well as the bar entrance to the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Oh, my god! [Mr. Adams punches Kumail] I’m so sorry.

Kumail: Perfectly alright, sir. Happens all the time. [Kumail hands in Mr. Adams his key] Here’s your key. Your room 905.

Mr. Adams: Excellent. Thank you.

Kumail: Is there anything else I can help you with while you wait for your room to be cleaned? Check in starts in four hours.

Mr. Adams: What? What am I supposed to do for four hours?

Kumail: Might I suggest, you visit the Stargazer–

Mr. Adams: Right! The Stargazer lounge and listen to Danny band. Can’t wait. [Mr. Adams enters the elevator. There’s the Danny Band poster and the singer is Kumail.]

Customer Service

Kumail Nanjiani

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Kumail narrating: I was working at a call center in Pakistan at the time doing customer service for Gucci online orders. It mostly entailed getting yelled at by Americans over missing packages, damaged merchandise or wrong orders.

Kumail: Billing. Billing address. Billing.

Kumail narrating: Sometimes they would have a hard time understanding me because of my accent, which would fill them with that red, white and blue rage I had come to fear. Every now and then though, the customer would be calm and even friendly. And sometimes I would hear a longing in their voice. A longing that they had been trying to satisfy with compulsive online shopping but ultimately just needed to be heard. That was the case with this woman. I’ll always remember the first time I ever spoke to her.

Kumail: First and last name please?

Melania Trump: Melania Trump.

Kumail: Excuse me?

Melania Trump: Trump. Like, towers in the sky.

Kumail narrating: She asked me a little bit about myself.

Melania Trump: Where are you from?

Kumail narrating: Then very abruptly told me about her nightmares. she said she dreamt of a blue eyed panther drinking by a river, looking up at her and calmly saying–

Melania Trump: “Be careful what you wish for.”

Kumail narrating: Over the next few months, I became her confidant, dream journal, and one true friend. My shift started at mid-night and on occasion, I’d listen to her till dawn.

Kumail: Well, have you talked to him about that?

Melania Trump: It’s difficult to talk to him about things that are not solid, you know, things that are abstract.

Kumail: Right.

Kumail narrating: She ordered over $400,000 worth of handbags and purposely put in the wrong address just so she could call and chat.

Melania Trump: Oh, did I say red house? I meant White House.

Kumail narrating: She told me she was often criticized for not doing enough to prevent bullying.

Melania Trump: If Donald is bully and I am married to Donald, am I helping bully?

Kumail narrating: But I related to her cause because I struggled with that problem myself. [Kumail is being pushed around in his office] We’re both staring at the world from the outside as if through the sheet of glass.

Melania Trump: If you don’t like this job, why don’t you quit?

Kumail: Because then I wouldn’t have any money.

Melania Trump: You are very interesting man.

Kumail narrating: She told me that some time ago, she found a spider in a bouquet. She gasped, but when the maid asked her if everything was okay, she answered yes. Melania feared that the maid would squash the spider. So she spared the insect with her silence. And even kept it safe in a box under her bed.

Melania Trump: When I first talked to you, I thought he is my new spider. But I was wrong. I am your spider.

Kumail narrating: Our conversations dwindled after that. She probably got very busy being the first lady with and all. And I moved on living my life.

Kumail: [talking to the customer] For the error that we have made and we– [A guy throws a paper ball at Kumail]

[Melania Trump walks in the office]

Melania Trump: Bully! Bully! Stop that. Bully.

[Kumail turns around. Melania Trump walks to Kumail.]

Hello, I’m Melania. The woman you talked to on the phone.

Kumail: Yeah, I know.

Melania Trump: I just want to say thank you.

Kumail: For what?

Melania Trump: For listening. I should go before they find out this I’m not asleep.

[Melania Trump leaves]

Kumail narrating: We never spoke again. But I think of her often. Thanks to a little gift I received in the mail one day.

[Kumail opens the box. There’s the spider they talked about.]

Bank Breakers

Barry… Mikey Day

Paul… Kumail Nanjiani

Gretchen… Cecily Strong

Josh… Alex Moffatt

Pat… Pete Davidson

Robber… Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]

Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.

[Cut to Barry.]

Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.]

[Cut to Barry]

The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]

Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.

[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]

Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo!

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.

[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]

Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.

Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: She’s a veteran?

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.

Gretchen: Oh, boy.

Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.

Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.

Paul: Her. Her name.

Gretchen: Jake Rowling.

[wrong answer sound]

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.

[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]

Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Their house got robbed?

Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?

[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]

Paul: My roommate, Pat.

[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]

Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.

[Cut to the contestants]

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?

Paul: 14… weeks old.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.

[Cut to the game screen.]

Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.

Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–

Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.

[Cut to all]

Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]

Paul: I don’t want this.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.