Colin Jost
Kurt… Mikey Day
Deb… Chloe Fineman
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?
Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.
Deb: Uh huh.
Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.
Deb: Uh huh.
Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.
Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?
Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.
Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.
Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?
Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.
Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?
Deb: So much.
Kurt: Louder. Come on.
Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.
Kurt: Louder, come on.
Deb: It’s so orgasmic.
Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.
Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.
Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?
Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.
Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?
Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.
Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.
Deb: You’re so weak and poor.
Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.
Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.
Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.
Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?
Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.
Deb: I gotta use a prop.
Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.
Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.
Kurt: Yeah?
Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.
Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.
Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.
Kurt: Yeah?
Deb: I finished.
Kurt: There it is. Whoo.
Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?
Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?
Colin Jost: Yes, I do.
Kurt: You know her?
Colin Jost: Yes.
Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?
Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.
Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right. Do Scarlett.
Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.
Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.
Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.
Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?
Deb: I love Little Stewy.
Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?
Deb: Uh-huh.
Kurt: Hello, Brian.
Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?
Kurt: Hello, Brian.
Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.
Kurt: Oh yeah?
Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.
Kurt: Excellent.
Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.
Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.