Weekend Update- Kurt and Deb from Wyoming on Rekindling the Spark

Colin Jost

Kurt… Mikey Day

Deb… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?

Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.

Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?

Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.

Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.

Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?

Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?

Deb: So much.

Kurt: Louder. Come on.

Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.

Kurt: Louder, come on.

Deb: It’s so orgasmic.

Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.

Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?

Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.

Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?

Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.

Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.

Deb: You’re so weak and poor.

Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.

Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.

Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?

Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.

Deb: I gotta use a prop.

Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.

Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.

Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.

Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: I finished.

Kurt: There it is. Whoo.

Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?

Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?

Colin Jost: Yes, I do.

Kurt: You know her?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?

Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.

Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right.  Do Scarlett.

Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.

Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.

Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?

Deb: I love Little Stewy.

Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?

Deb: Uh-huh.

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Oh yeah?

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Excellent.

Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.

Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.

Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting] [yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.] [Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act] [starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.] [Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck] [The End]