Beck and Kyle

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Lorne Michael

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Beck Bennett walking in streets]

Beck Bennett narrating: You know, working at SNL can be tough. It’s a lot of pressure, late nights. It’s stressful. But I guess that’s why it was so special I got hired with my best friend.

[Cut to pictures of Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney when they were young.]

Kyle and I met our freshman year in college. We did shows. We made videos. We lived together.

[Cut to videos of them in college years]

It’s been an amazing friendship. I just wish it was still like that.

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney working in SNL studio]

Beck Bennett: hey, bud. Do you want to grab a drink after this?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, I can’t. You know..

Beck Bennett: Yeah, no worries. It’s all good.

Beck Bennett narrating: You know, here at the show, we’ve always stuck together. But things change.

[Cut to Beck Bennett going through the script]

Beck Bennett: Oh, Kyle, what if you played the waiter? [Kyle Mooney doesn’t respond. Beck Bennett turns around. Kyle Mooney is making out with Leslie Jones.]

Leslie Jones: No, he should play the sheriff because he run this town.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, B, is it cool if I’m a Sheriff?

Beck Bennett: Sure. I’ll just restructure the whole thing.

Kyle Mooney narrating: Of course, Back and I are still close. It’s just Leslie and I have such a deep connection. I mean, we’ve raised a child together.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Leslie dropping off their child to college]

Kyle Mooney: Alright but, it looks like you’re all set for college.

[Their child is an adult wearing a wig.]

Child: I love you mom and dad.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we love you too, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Good luck, out there. We did good, baby.

Leslie Jones: Yes, we did.

Kyle Mooney: I love you.

Beck Bennett narrating: I want Kyle to be in a happy relationship. It’s just, I miss him.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Leslie being playful during work.]

Kyle Mooney: Stop, baby, what are you dong?

[Beck Bennett is looking at them from far. Colin Jost comes to Beck Bennett.]

Colin Jost: You know, it doesn’t have to be like this, right?

Beck Bennett: What do you mean?

Colin Jost: Ice rink. Midnight. Be there.

[Colin Jost walks out] [Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost meeting at ice rink]

Beck Bennett: WTF, Jost?

Colin Jost: It’s simple. You want your friend back. I want my girl.

Beck Bennett: What are you suggesting?

Colin Jost: The masquerade ball is tomorrow night. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to both get what we desire.

Beck Bennett: I’m listening.

[Colin Jost starts whispering in Beck Bennett’s ear.]

Beck Bennett narrating: I’m just sorry it had to come to this.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney. He sees a note with his name on it. He reads it.] [Cut to Leslie Jones. She sees a note with her name on it. She reads it.]

Kyle Mooney: Dearest Kyle…

Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones: … you have made my life so grand. I’ll be waiting for you…

Kyle Mooney: …with a white rose…

Leslie Jones: …with a red rose in my hand.

Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones: Meet me at the ball. Love, your best friend.

Leslie Jones: Aw, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Aw, Leslie.

Kyle Mooney narrating: This is so something Leslie would do. Tomorrow’s going to be unforgettable.

[Cut to masquerade ball]

Lorne Michael: The masquerade ball is always my favorite time of year. The cast gets to let loose and there is always a random hook up.

Aidy Bryant: Let’s get weird.

[Cut to Leslie Jones looking around for Kyle Mooney] [Cut to Colin Jost waving at Leslie Jones. Colin Jost is wearing a wig and a mask, and has a red rose to make himself look like Kyle Mooney.]

Leslie Jones: Kyle!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney looking around for Leslie Jones. There is Beck Bennett dressed as a woman holding a white rose an wearing a mask.]

Kyle Mooney: White rose. Leslie. [Kyle Mooney walks near Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones] Leslie, you look beautiful.

[Cut to Leslie Jones dancing with Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: YOu’re getting so strong. I like it.

Colin Jost: Hmm, well, I’m Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones]

Kyle Mooney: Leslie, I want to see your face.

[Cut to Leslie Jones dancing with Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: You know what? Take off that mask. I wanna kiss my man.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett dressed as Leslie Jones. Beck Bennett opens the mask.]

Kyle Mooney: Beck?

Beck Bennett: It was the only way to get through to you. I miss you man.

Kyle Mooney: Wait a sec.

[Kyle Mooney looks around.] [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost dressed as Kyle Mooney. Colin Jost wakes the mask off.]

Leslie Jones: Colin?

Colin Jost: Do I still get that kiss?

Kyle Mooney: You asshole!

[Kyle Mooney runs and beats Colin Jost up.]

Beck Bennett: Kyle, stop! Give your knuckles a rest.

[Beck Bennett starts hitting Colin Jost. Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney look at each other, smile, and start hitting Colin Jost again.] [Tiffany Haddish walks in]

Tiffany: Everybody, hold up. [to Beck Bennett] You have to put your shoulder into it. [opens her wig and gives it to Beck Bennett] Hold my hair. [Tiffany starts hitting Colin Jost] [Lorne Michael walks in]

Lorne Michael: Tiffany, no! You’ve got a big show tomorrow night. Let me help.

[Lorne Michael starts hitting Colin Jost] [Cut to Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney and Leslie Jones sitting on a couch]

Beck Bennett: I guess we got a little carried away.

Kyle Mooney: But we talked it out and everything’s cool.

Leslie Jones: And… [Leslie Jones pulls Colin Jost. His falls is all bruised.] Colin decided not to press charges. Ain’t that right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kyle Vs Kanye

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

[Starts with video clips of Kyle in his daily life]

Kyle narrating: Yes, I’m nervous. Of course I’m nervous. But it’s like, this is the thing I’ve wanted my whole life.

[Cut to Kyle preparing for the show]

Kyle: [rapping] Man, I wear MCs like a sandal
blow them out, be gone, flame from the candle

Kyle narrating: When I’m rhyming, when I’m rapping, that’s me. I mean this is what I’ve been working for. This is what I’ve been building towards, and if I don’t try now, when will I try?

[Cut to Kyle on TV show]

Kyle: This week is exciting though. With Kanye on and I’m a big fan. This week I think I wanna freestyle battle him.

Male TV Host: That’s very gutsy.

Female TV Host: That is gutsy.

Kyle narrating: I feel like a lot of people are wondering like, why are you focusing on this? My goal here is for people all over the world to look at me and just go like, “Wait a second. That’s hiphop.”

[Cut to video clip of Kyle rapping when he was just a kid.]

Hiphop culture has always been so important to me. I even taught myself how to break dance. And I was good. Like, really, really, really, really, really good. Here I am, a kid, moonwalking.  So, I’m doing albums, music videos, thinking this is what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life, it’s all finally happening. And then, this is where it’s not easy. Then I got hired by Saturday Night Live. And I have no idea what I’m doing out there.

[Cut to video clips of old SNL videos of Kyle Mooney]

I’m lost. I’m scared. I’d feel like everybody’s thinking, “Wait, he’s not a rapper.”

It’s like when people see me, they see, “Oh, he’s this white nerdy guy.” Sort of heartthrob, who’s like on the rise maybe. But that doesn’t matter. The real reason I’m here is to become the greatest rapper alive. And I think I can do that by beating Kanye West in a battle. Freestyle battle. Kanye West, man that stinks, grab a mint!  What is that? Your Kanye breath? Wow! That’s actually dope.

[Cut to a video clip of Kyle talking to Beck in a wedding ceremony.]

Kyle: Beck.

Beck: What’s up?

Kyle: I think it’s going to happen. I think I’m about to battle Kanye.

Beck: No. I don’t think that’s a good idea, man.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Here we go.

[Cut to Kyle approaching Kanye at SNL studio]

Kyle: Kanye, I’m gonna battle you.

Kanye: Huh?

Kyle: Kanye West, you knew–

Kanye West, you need a mint for you Kanye breath
and when I’m done with you, there should be no Kanye left
and are you gonna say anything?
No, I guess not, coz it seems like I’m the catcher
You’ve just been caught,
taught, like I’m a teacher with lesson

Kanye: I miss the old Kanye
trap up the soul Kanye
straight from the G.O.A.T Kanye
ill with the flow Kanye
I hate the new Kanye
the always rude Kanye
the bad mood Kanye
spazzing the news Kanye
I miss the old Kanye
kicking the flows Kanye
Where are the props at yet?
I miss the old Kanye
we know we love Kanye
You used to love Kanye
You had that pink pullover
You thought you was Kanye
we still love Kanye
that’s all it was, Kanye
well guess what? I love you like Kanye loves Kanye

[Kanye turns around leaves]

Kyle narrating: Well, that was the biggest mistake of my life. I just destroyed Kanye in a rap battle and now he’s probably really sad. Well, at least my career’s on fire! Yes! Do it the!

[The End]

SoulCycle

Ego Nwodim

Mark… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Flint… Bowen Yang

Deacon… David Harbour

Trix… Heidi Gardner

Kyle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of SoulCycle outlet]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this is SoulCycle. You’ll love it.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

I go every lunch break.

Mark: Oh, so that’s where you run off to?

Ego Nwodim: Oh, pass.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Hey, guys, we are so psyched you’re here for this very special class. It’s SoulCycle instructor additions. Today you’ll be riding with multiple cyclists who are in the final stages of joining the SoulCycle family. Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: They’re auditions instructors?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. That’s why the class was free.

Mark: Who did I give $80 to?

Flint: What’s up, what’s up, SoulCycle White Harlem? My name is Flint, like the water. Let’s get those leg muscles going while I tell you what I’m about. I live life with no regrets. Abraham Lincoln died. It didn’t have to happen. Poor guy. If I’d been there I would have stopped it, but I wasn’t. Will you be? Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Is he suggesting we’ll save Lincoln somehow?

Ego Nwodim: The instructors only say things to try and inspire you. You’re supposed to move your legs, Mark.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Deacon]

Deacon: Dope, dope, dope, SoulCycle. My name is Deacon. And just a warning, I have an addiction to pushing myself and cocaine. Because I don’t believe in giving up. Check it. I was this close to playing a dead guy in the J. Lo in the movie ‘Hustler’ but I didn’t get it because they didn’t call me in for an audition, but when J. go Lo, I go high! Let’s ride.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Wow. Using Michelle Obama like that. What do you think?

Ego Nwodim: Mark, you’re sweating but you’re not moving. Pedal!

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: Hey, SoulCyclers. My name is Trix. Here’s my story. In highs school, I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too pretty. They called me model girl, or, “Hey, model.” But I wasn’t a model. Yet. And how do you think that made me feel?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Good?

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: We’re here to lift each other up. So turn to your neighbor and complement one part of their body. Be specific.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Toned back.

Ego Nwodim: I am not doing that.

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: And look at me now. My boyfriend is one of the Josh’s from “Million Dollar Listing.” Let’s ride!

[Cut to Deacon, Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Deacon: I am going to put a candle in front of the person I think is doing the worse.

Mark: Me?

Deacon: You have sad eyes, ma’am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Damn, they call me Kyle but I’m a girl we’re going to do a little core. Okay, three, two, one and funk the bike, funk the bike, funk the bike.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: I don’t want to be rude, but I can tell you you’re bad at sex.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that’s nor rude.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I didn’t always push myself like this you guys. I got kicked out of scientology because I was too lazy. Never again. Let’s ride.

[Clint walks in]

Flint: May I have this dance? This moment is so much more than us and our beautiful bodies. This morning I googled racism, and guess what? It bummed me out. And then I googled gay racism and that was even worse. You know what I did? I flushed my computer down the toilet, because I don’t need that negativity in my life! Let’s ride!

[Deacon walks in]

Deacon: Mind if I shine? Look, this was been my dream ever since acting was who hard. I put my life on hold last week when I lost my leg because a lumberjack thought it was a tree trunk but after believing hard enough, my leg grew back! Gandhi once said, two roads to versions of wood, I’ll take both. Let’s ride.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: Hi. Congratulations. You’re all-stars and you’re officially SoulCycle instructors!

Deacon: Whew.

Cecily Strong: No, no, no. Except for you. Your backpack was full of cocaine.

Deacon: Wow. You went through my bag?

Cecily Strong: Well, I guess we’re bot fired.

[Cheers and applause]

Nephew Pageant | Season 44 Episode 17

Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant

Joshua… Kit Harrington

Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong

Devon… Kyle Mooney

Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Lucas… Mikey Day

Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones

Daniel… Chris Redd

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Nephewe Pagent intro]

Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.

[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]

Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.

This is Nephews 2019

Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]

Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.

[Cut to Aunt Carla]

Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.

[Devon joins Aunt Carla]

Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.

Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?

[Cut to Devon]

Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Correct!

[Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]

Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?

Devon: I can fix the printer.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.

[Cut to Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.

[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers

A nephew is a song you can hug

Happy birthday to all the nephews

Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?

[Cut to Lucas]

Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.

[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]

Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.

[Cut to Aunt Ro]

Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.

[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]

Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet

big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones

I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail

Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.

[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]

Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.

[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]

Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: Which one, judge?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy wins.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.

It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA