Leslie Jones
Kyle Mooney
[Starts with Kyle Mooney walking in the streets]Kyle narrating: I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted very long. And even now that I’ve found my soulmate, it’s taken work to keep that connection solid. And I think that’s kind of where Leslie and I are right now. We got a lot of work to do.
[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Leslie is getting ready.]Leslie: Okay, babe, I gotta go to this photoshoot thing.
Kyle: Okay. Do you know when you’ll be back?
Leslie: I don’t know. Later. Gotta go.
[Leslie walks out]Kyle: I love you baby.
Kyle narrating: I mean there have definitely been some wonderful moments. Um, we had little wedding thing with everyone which was amazing. [Cut to video clip of Kyle and Leslie getting married and all their colleagues are dancing]
Kyle: It’s official we’re married!
Kyle narrating: You know, I remember when my parents came into my room when I was nine. And they told me that they were getting a divorce. And I don’t want that to happen to me and Leslie. And I definitely don’t that to happen to our kid. Little Lorne.
[Cut to Kyle getting his son to sleep]Kyle: Goodnight, bud.
Leslie narrating: I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I love my family, okay? I’m just busy. The show, movies, interviews, stand up. It’s a lot. And Kyle, he’s not busy. He’s barely on the show. And what has he done in the last year? “Neighbors 2”? Come on, man!
Kyle narrating: So many people come up to me and they’re like, “Hey, were you in Neighbors 2?” And I’m like, “Yes!” Awesome!
[Cut to Kyle talking in the studio with their son]Kyle: Hey, can we talk?
Leslie: [whispering] Hey, what are you doing here? I am rehearsing.
Kyle: Why didn’t come home last night?
Leslie: It got late. I was writing, I slept at the office.
Kyle: With Colin?
Leslie: Oh, my god! Yes, but you know it’s not like that.
Kyle: Baby, I think we need to get help. I really do.
Leslie: Oh my god! Kyle, I’m not having this conversation with you right now.
Kyle: Fine. Okay. Just don’t forget tomorrow is little Lorne’s recital and you promised you wouldn’t miss it.
Leslie: I know. I will be there.
[Leslie walks towards her work]Leslie narrating: Kyle’s been trying to get us to see someone to talk to about our problems. I don’t need someone telling me how to live my life.
[Cut to Kyle and Leslie sitting on a couch. Kyle is holding Leslie’s hand.]Kyle: Okay, I guess I’ll start. I cry after sex. I love her. It’s an emotional experience for me so I cry.
Leslie: And I feel that makes him a little bitch.
[Cut to Melissa McCarthy listening to them not knowing how to respond.]Melissa: Guys, I don’t want to know this stuff. I just want to memorize my lines.
[Cut to Kyle and Leslie in hallway]Leslie: Well, I gotta work late tonight, okay? I’ll see you later.
[Leslie walks away]Kyle: Bye, Leslie.
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle: Well, tonight is the big recital. I’m actually pretty nervous but Little Lorne will be great. I’m a proud dad.
[Cut to Little Lorne playing piano on. Kyle is watching his son, but he is also waiting for Leslie on way in.] [audience cheer for Little Lorne.] [Leslie and Colin run in late]Leslie: Oh my god! Did we miss it?
Colin: I’m so sorry. We were working on a script and got carried away. It’s my fault.
[Kyle runs to them]Kyle: [bleep] you, Colin! [Kyle pulls out a gun and shoots at Colin’s leg] [Everyone is running. Lorne Michaels is looking at the panic.]
Lorne narrating: I don’t usually support caste members shooting each other, but I mean, Colin can be annoying.
[Cut to Kyle and Leslie narrating ]Kyle: Well, it’s been a pretty crazy week. Colin ended up surviving which is awesome.
Leslie: And you know what else survived? Our love.
Kyle: Also, we’re having another baby. And we’re gonna name him Weekend…
Leslie: Update!