Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out] [Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

NFTs

Professor… Kyle Mooney

Janet Yellen… Kate McKinnon

Eminem… Pete Davidson

Dr. Dre… Chris Redd

Janitor… Jack Harlow

[Starts with college professor and Janet Yellen speaking to a class]

PROFESSOR: Wow, Secretary Yellen, it was an honor to have you with us today

JANET YELLEN: Well, Professor, it was my pleasure to speak to aspiring economists.

PROFESSOR: Do we have time for one more question?

JANET YELLEN: Hey, I don’t have anywhere to be

PROFESSOR: All right, anyone have a question? Come on guys, the U.S. Treasury Secretary is right next to us. Uh, yes, you, young man?

[Musical intro. It’s the music from the song “Without Me” by Eminem.] SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Okay, so what is your question?

SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Yeah, I heard you the first time.

SLIM SHADY: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Now what the hell’s an NFT?
Apparently, cryptocurrency
Everyone’s makin’ so much money
Now please explain what’s an NFT
I said what the hell’s an NFT?
It’s like real-life Monopoly
Everyone is doin’ it like Gronkowski
Can you please help me make an NFT?

PROFESSOR: Son, I didn’t understand a word you just said.

SLIM SHADY: Thanks!

PROFESSOR: That is not a compliment

SLIM SHADY: Hah! I disagree.

JANET YELLEN: I actually see what you’re saying, young man. Um, we are aware of NFTs, and there are currently—

[There’s Dr. Dre from the movie “Matrix” sitting in the class.]
  1. DRE:Excuse me. I can break it down for you

PROFESSOR: Excuse me, are you Morpheus from the Matrix film series?

  1. DRE: No, but I do have pills if you need some. The thing about NFTs is
    (Verse 2)
    Non-fungibles
    GIFs of Ron Funches eating Lunchables
    Or pics of Colin Jost’s face, very punchable
    Digital images of Digimon doin’ scrimmages
    Or a pic of a nun with a Nintendo Switch
    Dictionary with a pic of Fat Jerry
    I made it last night and now I got $3,000
    And now I can buy me a GIF of Peter Griff-In
    crossin’ up all-star ballers, who are taller

    Look at these if you please
    Supreme Court Justice Chuck E. Cheese
    Bam Margera in a Mini Coop with Master Splinter
    Amy Klobuchar and Adam Driver having dinner
    SLIM SHADY: Hey, here’s a Thanos that twerks
    For 24 million, it could be yours
    And the prices go up and down, you see
    So that explains an NFT

JANET YELLEN: Okay, well, that was just a list of complete nonsense, but you’re not totally wrong. Can anyone here expound on that a bit more eloquently? Anyone? What about you, man with the mop?

JANITOR: Who, me? Well, I wasn’t really paying attention, but if I had to explain NFTs, I’d probably say this:

(Verse 3)
Hey, here’s the thing about NFTs
It’s a non-fungible token, you see
“Non-fungible” means that it’s unique
There can only be one, like you and me
NFTs are insane
Built on a blockchain
A digital ledger of transactions
It records information on what’s happenin’
When it’s minted, you can sell it as art
And this concludes my rappin’ part
Motherf—–

JANET YELLEN: Wow, that’s pretty much what I would’ve said, so thank you.

JANITOR: You’re welcome

JANET YELLEN: I don’t know if this is too forward, but I actually have tickets for UFC 260 if you guys wanna come.

SLIM SHADY, DR. DRE, JANITOR: Aw hell yeah. No doubt.

JANET YELLEN: Great

(Outro)
SLIM SHADY: Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na
Nerds!

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

AllJob, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

KenanEdith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka

 

Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint…  Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches.  [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.

Home Makeover

Cara… Heidi Gardner

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Blake… Mikey Day

Jared… Nick Jonas

[Starts with show intro]

Cara: Welcome to Bachelor Home Makeover where we give single guys a fresh new lease on life by turning their drab homes into fab paz. [Steve and Blake are having fun in their apartment] This is Steve and his best friend Blake. They’re both recently separated and decided to move in together in this down town fixer upper with a ton of potential.

Steve: I say my design taste is open concept or whatever and I want a spot in the crib where I can gang. That’s how I make money right now.

Blake: Me, pretty much the same things. But also, I like to cook. So like, a kitchen is a must.

Steve: Yeah, kitchen will be tight.

Cara: I could tell these two weren’t gonna make my job easy. That’s why I enlisted the help of Jared.

Jared: Hey, Cara. I specialize in designing rented homes for single guys just like them. And I know they’re gonna love what we did.

Blake: To our new home, roomie.

Steve: Alright, let’s do it.

[Cut to revealing the apartment.]

Cara: So, are you two finally ready to see your new forever home?

[walks inside the apartment]

Blake: Yo!

Steve: This is high.

Cara: Do you love it?

Blake: It’s so bum.

Cara: Great. I’ll tell you what we did. We put up a fresh coat of stark white paint.

Jared: And we took out all that furniture you guys never used and put in this leather couch, a glass coffee table–

Cara: And a huge TV for gaming.

Blake: Yo, I got to sit on this. [sits on the sofa] This looks like the couch from–

Jared: Casting porn? That’s because it’s very similar.

Steve: It’s got like, the cup holders already built in the couch?

Cara: It does. And a tiny fridge on the side. And Blake, I know you like to eat peanuts. So, how about a little trash compartment for all your shell?

Blake: Dude! How did you guys think of that?

Jared: That’s not all we did. Steve, we know you like the move Scarface.

Steve: That’s my jam. How’d you know that?

Cara: So, we got you this framed Scarface movie poster and put it on one of the stark white wall.

Jared: And Blake, we got you a framed Rat Pack poster.

Blake: Yo, this is crazy coz I’m always saying that if I could go back to time period, it would be Rat Pat.

Cara: Well, there’s still a lot more to see. Shall we?

[cut to checking bathroom.]

Jared: Alright, so checkout your bathroom. When we first got here, you both only had one towel each.

Cara: And those were filthy.

Steve: They clean, just stained.

Jared: Now, you don’t have to worry about that because we got you four new towels.

Cara: And they’re navy blue so you don’t have to worry about stains.

Blake: That’s so smart.

Cara: And I know you hate the Dallas cowboys, so we put a Cowboys sticker inside the toile.

Blake: Yo, dude, that’s what I’m talking about.

Steve: I’m not gonna lie, that’s flago.

[checking Steve’s bedroom]

Jared: Alright, let’s look in the bedroom, guys.

Steve: Wait, how did you get the lights to be, like, purple like that?

Jared: We put in Phillips color bulbs so you can make the lights any color you want.

Steve: So, I can make it red if I have a girl over?

Jared: Exactly.

[checking the kitchen]

Cara: Now, the kitchen was fun. We took all your little ketchups and turned them into one big ketchup.

Jared: You guys also mentioned you like to cook.

Steve: That’s him. He’s the chef.

Blake: Yeah, I do a little something-something.

Jared: But we noticed the stove doesn’t work.

Blake: Oh no, it works. You just have to light it or something.

Steve: Or just leave it on.

Jared: That’s not good at all and you shouldn’t have to do that. So, we hooked you up with a brand new AirFryer.

Steve: Is that a ninja one?

Jared: It sure is.

Cara: And one last thing. We knew you guys both really like whiskey. So, the folks at Superior Wine and Spirits hooked you two up with two bottles of Jameson for your counter.

Blake: Dude! Two?

Cara: Two.

Blake: We get to keep both?

Jared: Alright guys, last but certainly not least, we built you a shelf and put some things on here we thought you might like.

Steve: Is that the Thanos glove?

Jared: Yeah.
Blake: Dude, this is crazy. Y’all nailed everything.

Steve: For real. Coz, it’s been a hard year for me. I got fired from my job for telling some jokes. But y’all did your thing on this.

Blake: Oh behalf of me and my boy, man, good looking out.

Jared: It was our pleasure.

Cara: Yeah. And, how bout enjoy your new home?

Steve: We will.

Man, I still can’t believe we live here.

Blake: Yo, when my kids stay for the weekend, they love the big TV. And the AirFryer makes my famous Tats more fire than ever.

Steve: Ay, ladies like it too. Coz I posted some pictures of new crib on the gram, got couple of prospects.

Blake: Thanks, Bachelor Home Makeover.

Steve: Y’all saved my life, yo!

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box] [Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey] [music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law

Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends

one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man

but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

Amusement Park

Brett… Mikey Day

Malcolm… Nick Jonas

Cug… Kyle Mooney

Brinkley… Heidi Gardner

Fresian… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a bunch of young people on a line at the amusement park]

Gate keeper: Alright, next riders, please?

Brett: I’m so glad World of Fun reopened. I thought they were going to have to cancel our junior year trip.

Malcolm: Dude, I still can’t believe you won the stuffed guy from soul.

Cug: [holding a human size stuffed guy] I know. I’ve like, never won the ring toss. My lucky day I guess.

Brett: Also, Brinkley, like, how have you never ridden the Viking Voyager?

Brinkley: I don’t know. I think water’s scary.

Fresian: Oh my god. Me too. I’m like a full baby in the shower.

Malcolm: You know, the Viking Voyager is sick. I’ll protect you.

Fresian: Okay, now shut up.

Cug: Oh, so you two are like, riding together?

Malcolm: Oh, I straight up don’t care.

Brinkley: Oh, we have to pair up for the ride, huh?

Brett: Yeah. How many even is it to, like, a flume?

Cug: I think it’s two max. I think typically guy-girl. But I don’t care.

Brett: Yeah. Well, I feel like Fresian and Malcolm said they’d ride together.

Fresian: Oh, I don’t care. Sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Like, whatever makes sense to the group. Like, height wise?

Brett: Oh, okay. Well, if it’s height wise, I guess it’s me and Brinkley makes sense?

Brinkley: Yeah. I mean, height wise I feel like that checks out. So then Cug, would you be cool riding with the guy from soul?

Cug: Um, I kind of feel like I rode with him on the last ride and the ride before that. So, I think it makes sense for me to ride with a person or a girl this time. But literally, all I care about is getting wet.

Malcolm: Wait, Brinkley and Brett, didn’t you ride on the Zulu together?

Brett: We did? Did we?

Brinkley: What? I think I either rode alone or with the guy from soul.

Cug: No. Pretty sure Joe Gardner has only ridden with me.

Malcolm: Wait. Who’s Joe Gardner?

Cug: Um, the guy from soul. Yeah. I definitely remember being with him on the Zulu and the Mamba. I don’t care. But if we want to keep it even, I don’t think I should be riding with the guy from soul.

Fresian: Like, hey, I mean, I can ride with you, Cug. Malcolm, you cool to ride with the guy from soul?

Malcolm: Well, isn’t this the one where you like, kind of sit on each other’s laps?

Brinkley: Wait, you do? Like, how does that work?

Brett: I don’t know. I think we have enough time to do like, a demo? Like, just to practice.

Brinkley: Okay.

Brett: [walks to a boat] Okay. So, I guess, I’ll sit here. And then you’d be between my legs I guess.

Brinkley: Oh, like, you want me to try?

Brett: Yeah. For like, height.

Brinkley: [they sit together] Oh, yeah, height.

Brett: Coz I don’t care. But if–

Cug: I feel like for height, I’d be better behind?

Brinkley: Oh, no. This is good for height.

Brett: Yeah.

Malcolm: [to Fresian] Should we–?

Fresian: Demo how to sit? Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Okay. So, I’d be like this.

Fresian: [they sit together] Okay. Yeah.

Malcolm: And then you’d be here. But then, like, what do I do with my arms? Because I don’t want them to get wet.

Fresian: Yeah. I think they’d be like my seatbelt like this. [pulling Malcolm’s hands across her waist]

Malcolm: Okay.

Brett: Um, we actually didn’t demo that. Should we practice?

Brinkley: Like, for height?

Brett: Yes. For height.

Brinkley: Sure.

Brett: I guess like this. [Brett just holds Brinkley from the behind]

Brinkley: Cug, would you want to try getting in with the guy from the soul? Like, for height?

Cug: Um, okay.

Malcolm: Alright, all your’s, Cug.

Cug: Thanks. [taking the seat on the boat] So, I guess I’d be back here.

Brinkley: Yeah. And Joe would be in your lap, Cug.

Cug: So, like this?

Malcolm: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense height wise, Cug.

Brinkley: Yeah. He is taller than you, Cug.

Fresian: Yeah. So, he should be behind you, Cug.

Cug: Okay. So, I’m in his lap?

Brett: Exactly, Cug.

Cug: Okay. [he puts the stuffed guy behind and he sits up front.] So, let me just get him around. So, it it like this?

Brinkley: Yeah, Cug.

Malcolm: Yeah. Then his arms are like a seatbelt, Cug.

Cug: Oh, okay. So, like this?

Brinkley: Yes. Are you comfortable, Cug?

Cug: I guess. But, I don’t want to hug the guy from soul. If someone else wants to take a spin? Soul guy going once, going twice,

All: No. No, pass.

Gate keeper: All parties here, folks?

All: Yes. Here we go.

Gate keeper: Have fun, Cug.

Cug: It’s Robert. I don’t know why they keep calling me that.

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about
103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro

for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one

the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone

our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.