Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Season 2 of The Mandalorian

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: In a break from election news, season 2 of “The Mandolorian” premiered on Disney Plus on Friday. Here to discuss it is the star of the show, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: I’m back. What?

Michael Che: Wow. Well, it’s really good to see you, Baby Yoda. How have you been?

Baby Yoda: I’ve been good. I spent the summer quarantining with my homies Jake Paul, Mia Khalifa and Wreck-It Ralph. Nice dude. Real nice dude. But you know, it was chill. I mean, I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Well, that’s good. “The Mandolorian” is back. That’s pretty exciting. Sounds like it’s going to be a good season.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. But shout out to the writers. I mean they mad awkward to be around. But they come up with some Fuego ideas, bro. I just wish they’d let me dance a little more. You know what I’m saying? Like, [dancing] hey, hey.

Michael Che: Yeah. It doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

Baby Yoda: No. The idea is no. But to my fans, I love y’all. For real. But some of y’all can maybe take it easy on those DMs though. I mean I read some of these. I’m like, “Dang! You wanna do what to Baby Yoda?” You know, that’s all– that’s interesting. They’re sexual in nature, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I got that. Well, it sounds like you’re definitely a fan favorite.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. You know, things are kind of blowing up. You might have heard me on a Joe Rogan’s podcast. Talking about my new line of cannabis products. That was a chill five hours.

Michael Che: Oh, damn. Baby Yoda, you really do smoke weed?

Baby Yoda: Oh, hell yeah. Hey, how do you think I got so green? No, but for real, we selling them Dago-bud, Wookie Cookies, and CBD kombucha called Jabba the Kombucha.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. It’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: But Michael, since I have this platform, I do want to say something real quick.

Michael Che: By all means.

Baby Yoda: I’ma put it like this. Baby Groot, we ain’t friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to say your TikToks are cringe, bro. Dylan Sprouse hit me up like, “Yo, you see this?” I was like, “Yup.” But honestly, it’s all love. I’m not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I’ll kill you.

Michael Che: Wow. Baby Yoda, everyone. Oh my god.

Jack Flatts

Kyle Mooney

Trevor… Beck Bennett

Cory… Andrew Dismukes

Roven… Kenan Thompson

Trish…Lauren Holt

[Starts with Jack Flatts commerical]

Female voice: Due to covid-19 stay at home restrictions, Jack Flatts has been unable to serve you our delicious retro burgers and shakes indoors. We know how much our loyal customers miss coming in and enjoying Jack Flatts classic American fair and our server’s hilarious wise cracking attitudes. But we’re still here, serving the community as best we can by offering free Curbside Pickup and delivery–

[rock music playing] [Cut to three people who are yelling and protesting angrily]

Trevor: Open up Jack Flatts now. Enough of this new normal crap.

Kyle: I wanna eat in a restaurant where the waiters make fun of you. And not just Curb Side, inside.

Cory: I don’t care what the state says. Before all this covid stuff when Jack Flatts opened up a new store, the governor was so happy to go out there and wave and stuff. Now,no?

Trevor: If you don’t open up Jack Flatts, I’m gonna… [small voice] kidnap the governor.

Kyle: I want the waiters to tease me while I’m eating saying, “You sure you can eat all that, big boy?” I want you to tease without a mask so I can hear what they’re saying. And if I don’t get teased without a mask… [small voice] I’ll kidnap the governor.

Trevor: Hey, this is my best bud, Roven. [Roven walks in] We have the same birthday, except he’s 19 years older. And every year, we go to Jack Flatts to celebrate. And what? Now we can’t coz the state says so?

Roven: Open up the playground.

Trevor: Yeah. You’re right. Mainly open up Jack Flatts. Otherwise, me and Roven… [small voice] will tie up the governor hiding somewhere.

Cory: I miss it. I miss the wacko fries, I miss the Joe Schmo burger, the flat melt, smash pies, host that looks like the goth girl from CSI. She is nasty but she calls me hunk coz I go there a lot.

Kyle: If you don’t open Jack Flatts, me, Trevor, Cory, Roven… [small voice] we’re gonna do it.

Trevor: Roven’s got all the stuff in his trunk.

Roven: Yeah. I always do.

Trevor: I don’t like the masks. I always get it up side down. I can’t see smiles.

Roven: Wanna see smiles.

[Cory pulls Trish in]

Cory: This is Trish, the funniest waitress at Jack Flatts. I showed up for Curb Side with mustard on my shirt and she didn’t even make fun of me. Just let it fly. What the hell am I paying for?

Trish: Okay, I don’t know what’s going on but this dude told me if I quit my shift, he would give me $1000 and put me in a movie.

Kyle: I get it. Not everybody likes to be teased. Don’t come here then. It’s just for fun. We’re not making fun of the real you. Just you as a customer.

Trish: So, is this like, a porno? Because honestly, at this point I don’t even care. I just want that $1000.

[Cory pushes Trish away]

Trevor: Just open up Jack Flatts. No masks, Joe schmoe burger and endless wacko fries, smashed pies, free gup buster refills. Jack Top bands playing all their hits. Otherwise… [small voice] I’m gonna snatch you up.

Cory: Yup. [small voice] Grab and trap you, the governor. Gonna blow and pass the guards.

[Kyle is holding a band’s picture]

Kyle: One of the guys in Jack Top band is like our game thing. Our group. And he wants to go back and play their hits.

Roven: Let them think.

Cory: [holding George Washington’s picture] George Washington wanted the British to tease him. He fought them to have that and soon as the British government said, “No more teasing, not allowed to tease that man,” what did George Washington do? [small voice] Kidnapped them. King, prince, everybody.

Trevor: That’s might up. Huh? They opened it back up. Made it back to be old mama guy.

[Trish walks back in]

Trish: Look, if I don’t get my money, I’m gonna slap the hell out of one of you virgins.

Cory: Hah! Good one, Trish.

Trish: I’m not joking.

[Back to Jack Flatts commercial]

Female voice: At Jack Flatts, we hope to see you soon.

Dancer

Issa Rae

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Issa Rae looking at her phone in SNL hall way. Kyle Mooney walks to her.]

Kyle: Hey, Issa.

Issa: Hi, Kyle, what’s up?

Kyle: Um, just hanging there. [Kyle just starts dancing.] How has the week been?

Issa: Um, what are you doing?

Kyle: Nothing. Just chilling. [Kyle starts dancing again]

Issa: Seems like you’re dancing pretty hard over there.

Kyle: Really? Hmm. Not that I’ve noticed that. [starts dancing again.]

Issa: Stop. Is this just because Justin Bieber is here?

Kyle: Justin?

[Cut to Justin Bieber’s practice sessions where Kyle is dancing at the backstage.]

Oh! Yeah, Justin Bieber. The kid singer or whatever?

Issa: Wait, did you think that if I saw you dancing, I would be so blown away that I’d tell him about it?

Kyle: No. [Issa looks at Kyle funnily] Yes.

Issa: What? I’m the host. I don’t recommend dancers.

Kyle: Um-hmm. Got it. [starts singing and dancing]

Issa: Stop. I’m not going to let you do Aretha like that. Look, even if you were a backup dancer, he’s not into something like that. Coz he’s more into something like this. [Now Issa starts singing and dancing]

Kyle: Wow. You dance well.

Issa: Well, just a little something.

[Kyle and Issa start staring at each other in a challenging way.] [Music video starts. Issa and Kyle are wearing black leather outfits.] [music playing]

Issa and Kyle: [singing] Funk jam in the future
funk jam to survive

[Cut back to Issa and Kyle in the hallway. They’re dancing. Chance the Rapper walks to them.]

Kyle: Oh, Mr. Rapper the Chance.

Issa: We were just–

Kyle: Rehearsing them all up.

Issa: Yeah. You might know me from my show “Insecure”.

Kyle: Yes. I really like that.

Issa: Thank you.

Chance the Rapper: Cool. Could you guys let Justin know that I came by?

Issa: Oh. Aren’t you performing with him?

Chance the Rapper: Yeah. But he doesn’t know I can do this. [he starts singing and dancing, but unlike Issa and Kyle, he is dancing really well.] [Chance the Rapper leaves]

Issa: We have no chance against Chance.

Kyle: Well, but if we combine forces.

Issa: Yeah, what was that thing you did earlier?

Kyle: It was that “Gotta bring that funk with it.

Issa: Yeah!
[A man walks to them]

Man: Mr. Mooney, I have your covid results. You’re positive. [Issa walks back] Yeah, so you have to leave.

Kyle: Right. “Get down with it.”

Man: No. You have to leave now.

Kyle: Hey Issa, “What you want?”

Issa: Hey, you gotta go, man.

Kyle: Right. Bring it in? [trying to hug Issa]

Issa: Not gonna do that.

Kyle: Okay.

Man: Okay, here’s your stuff. Please leave, sir.

Kyle: Well, what can I say? My life is random.

Man: Okay, don’t talk to the camera.

Kyle: Sorry about that.

VP Fly Debate Cold Open

Susan Page… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Jill Biden… Heidi Gardner

Scientist… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with vice-presidential debate intro]

Male voice: And now, the thing that will change everyone’s minds. The vice-presidential debate.

[Cut to Susan Page in her set]

Susan Page: Good evening. I’m Susan Page and I missed book club for this. Tonight, we’ll be discussing who cares number of topics, each lasting I couldn’t tell you minute. But one thing is for sure. If anything’s gonna be trending on Twitter tonight, it’ll be one of the humans involved in this debate. Let’s welcome them now. Vice president Mike Pence [Mike Pence walks in] and senator Kamala Harris [Kamala Harris walks in spraying sanitizer] [cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Oh! Oh! Oh! That’s right. The scent-tator from Kamala-fornia is present.

Susan Page: Thank you, senator. And tonight, you’ll notice that between the candidates, we’ve installed buffet-styled sneeze guards on account of one of you works for patient zero.

Mike Pence: It’s actually fine by me, Susan. Susan PageMike Pence feet apart and separated by plexiglass is how mother and I sleep.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, my first question is for you.

Mike Pence: Thank you.

Susan Page: The topic is coronavirus.

Mike Pence: Dammit.

Susan Page: Now, you were in charge of the coronavirus task force, and since you took charge, over Mike Pence00,000 Americans have died. How do you explain that?

Mike Pence: Well, Susan, I’d like to begin by stalling hard. We’re in Utah, wow, what a magnificent state. Even though their basketball team is named after my greatest fear, Jazz. I yield the remainder of my time.

Susan Page: Alright. Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: You see, this is what they do, Susan. They avoid taking any responsibility–

Mike Pence: We do not.

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yeah. Well, I’m just trying–

Kamala Harris: I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yes, but–

Kamala Harris: Yeah, but I’m speaking. See, I’m speaking right now. Estoy hablando Nevada, Arizona, some parts of Texas. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: I understand that. I understand.

Kamala Harris: Yeah. I don’t think you do. Because you talking and I’m speaking. See, this administration has consistently lied to us about the virus. They said they wanted to keep us calm, but let me ask the American people this, how calm were you when you didn’t know where you were going to get your next roll of toilet paper? Huh? How calm were you when you were staring at that cardboard tube when you finished the roll and you thought, “Well, it’s technically paper.” And how calm were you when even that tube was gone and you looked at your old t-shirts and a pair of scissors and thought, “Are we doing this?” Now, I’d like to hear the vice-president’s response, and while he speaks, I’m gonna smile at him like I’m in a TJ Maxx and a white lady asked me if I work here.

[Kamala Harris is nodding her head and smiling]

Mike Pence: Look, I promise you, the president has taken this virus seriously since the very beginning of last week.

Kamala Harris: Okay, now Susan, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna switch to more of a Clair Huxtable side eye.

[Kamala Harris is looking at Mike Pence with her side eye]

Mike Pence: President Trump puts the health of all Americans way ahead of his own personal and financial gain.

Kamala Harris: Okay. So now what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna fix my face so you have no idea what I’m thinking, but black women at home knows exactly what I’m thinking. And a few of the white women. And all of the gays.

[Kamala Harris acts like she’s wearing makeup]

Mike Pence: But enough of covid. Lets on the two issues Americans do care about. Swine flu and fracking.

Kamala Harris: Now if anyone should be talking about fracking, it’s my guy Joe Biden. Joe Biden fracks in his free time. Joe Biden will frack you so good, Pennsylvania, and while I personally wanted to ban fracking, now that I know Pennsylvania loves it, I just want to say this. [in accent] You guys can bet your wawa cheesesteak hoagie and all the water in the Schuylkill river, then Joe Biden need to be fracking. Go Wagles!

Susan Page: Now Mr. Vice President, I have to ask this. What is the current health of president Trump?

Mike Pence: Thank you for asking, Susan.

Susan Page: Oh, I wasn’t asking out of sympathy, Mike. I was asking with a shimmering rage for his incompetence in a sadistic hope that he is not well.

Mike Pence: Unfortunately for you then, the president is doing amazing. Thanks to his team of terrified doctors. As you heard from his primary physician Dr. Handsome Liar, Trump is in peak physical condition.

Susan Page: [with disappointed face] Uh-huh. And to be clear, what medication has the president taken?

Mike Pence: Almost none, Susan. He has taken Asprin which he’s always taking, an injection of experimental monoclonal antibodies, a macho man Randy Savage amount of steroids, a woman’s pro-biotic for balance and 60 cc of helium into his skull, so his head doesn’t fall over on TV.

Susan Page: So, like a balloon head?

Mike Pence: That’s correct. Like a balloon head. He is also taking viagra for morale and some horny goat weed he bought at a gas station, because the president believes in medicine. Unlike senator Harris who said she wouldn’t even take a vaccine.

Kamala Harris: Look, if Dr. Fauci says a vaccine is good, I will be the first in line like it’s an Ann Taylor sample sale. But if Trump says it’s safe, I will throw that vaccine in the trash like last week’s shrimp pad thai. Besides, mama’s got all the vaccine she needs right here. [she pulls her martini glass in.]

Susan Page: And senator Harris, if elected, would you pack the supreme court?

[Kamala Harris spits out the martini]

Kamala Harris: Susan, instead of answering that exact question, I would like to tell you the story of when Joe picked me to be his running mate. Joe told me we were just going out for dinner. Then he got down on one knee and that’s when I knew that he needed help up. After that, he gathered himself and said, “Kammala, let’s do this.” And I said, “it’s Kamala.” And he said, “I will never ever, ever get that right.”

Susan Page: That’s very sweet. And vice president Pence, how did president Trump ask you?

Mike Pence: He texted me “Oh my god. I can’t believe those religious psychos made me pick Pence.” And then he texted, “Oops, wrong person.” Then he hasn’t texted me since. Oh, except in March when he wrote “coronavirus is your’s now.”

Kamala Harris: And what did you do to stop that virus? Because Joe Biden and I have a plan.

Mike Pence: Oh, like swine flu?

Kamala Harris: What?

Mike Pence: Swine flu. 2 million dead.

Kamala Harris: 2 million?

Mike Pence: 2 million if you include the swine. Those poor little piggies.

Kamala Harris: Okay. This fool’s up here talking about dead pigs.

[Cut to Joe Biden in his home with his wife watching the debate]

Joe Biden: Lord, love a duck. Kamala can’t get a word in edgewise. This joker drops more road apples than a bull eating a bran muffin.

Jill: Calm down, Joe. It’s okay.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not, Jill. I need to do something. [stands] I need to teleport to that debate and save the soul of this nation. [feeling dizzy] Woah! Got up way too fast.

[There’s a scientist at Joe Biden’s home]

Scientist: But sir, the teleportation machine is not ready yet. M-tracks says it needs at least six more months.

Jill: You heard him, Joe. It’s too dangerous. And what about COVID protocols?

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I’ll wear a mask… on my eyes.

[The teleportation count-down begins. Joe Biden gets inside the machine. There’s a fly in the time machine too.] [Cut to Mike Pence speaking at the debate. There’s that fly on his head.]

Mike Pence: And that is how president Trump will make the economy better by making it worse.

Susan Page: I’m sorry to interrupt vice-president Pence. There’s a–

Mike Pence: War on police in this country? I couldn’t agree more.

Susan Page: No, no. There’s a giant–

Mike Pence: Lack of respect for militias? You’re darn right.

Susan Page: No. Senator Harris, help me out.

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. I’m good. Looking real good, Mike. Keep it up.

[Cut to Joe Biden as a fly on Mike Pence’s hair.]

Joe Biden: Let me at him! Buzz, let me at him!

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, do you not feel that at all?

Mike Pence: I’ll tell you what I feel, Susan. I feel for the businesses that are going to be crippled by Joe Biden’s tax cuts.

Joe Biden: Yes, yes. Your economy is so on the toilet, I wanna lay my eggs on it. What? What?

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. There must have been a fly in the teleportation machine. That’s why Joe turned into a fly.

Scientist: Yeah. But that doesn’t explain why he sounds like Jeff Goldblum.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: God created dinosaurs. Dinosaurs became republican. Republicans created Trump. Trump destroys god. Oh!

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. Now he’s gone full Goldblum.

Scientist: He even has the glasses.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: apartments.com. The most popular place to find a place. No, no. Yes, yes. Because life finds way.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President.

[Now there are two flies on Mike Pence’s head]

Mike Pence: Yes.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, there’s another one.

Mike Pence: Another Antifa rally? No surprise there.

Kamala Harris: Oh, honey. At this point, I’m just enjoying the show. [Kamala Harris pulls out and starts eating popcorn] [Cut to two flies, Jeff Goldblum and Herman Cain]

Herman Cain: Man, what kind of nonsense is Mike Pence trying to pull?

Jeff Goldblum: Do tell, do tell. Wait, I’m sorry. Friend, you look familiar.

Herman Cain: Well, I better. I’m Herman Cain reincarnated as a damn fly. And these fools, Trump and Pence killed me, man. They invited me to a rally with no mask. Said, “Everything is fine, Herman.” I catch corona. Trump tell me, “Everything is fine, Herman.” The White House doctors, they checked me out and they said, “Everything fine, Herman.” Three days later, I’m gone. If you watching this at home, don’t trust this white devil about corona.

Susan Page: Yes, vice president Pence, I think one of your flies is screaming at you.

Tiny voice: Whity’s gonna give you the corona.

Susan Page: Okay, I think we need to shut this debate down for the good of humanity. Senator Harris, would you like to do what everyone at home wants to do?

[Kamala Harris is holding a fly killer racket]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I would.

[Kamala Harris hits on Mike Pence’s head]

Susan Page: Flies, anything else you’d like to add?

[Cut to the two flies. Herman Cain is injured by the hit.]

Herman Cain: Oh! Am I dying again?

[Fly Jeff Goldblum pukes]

Jeff Goldblum: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Herman Cain and Jeff Goldblum: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

New Normal

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kyle Mooney

Jeannie…Kate McKinnon

Don… Bill Burr

[Starts with three adult couples enjoying barbecue at backyard.]

Chloe: Thank you so much for doing this. It’s so nice to have to have a reason to get out of the house.

Kenan: Well, we thought that we could at least get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

Ego: Yeah. As much as we wanna see people, I know it’s still a little nerve wrecking.

Kyle: Jeannie and Don, we haven’t seen you this whole time.

Jeannie: Oh, no. We’ve been really, really deep in our bubble. You’re the first people we’ve seen in six months. I hope you remember how.

Don: Ha-ha. Yeah. I’d say we’re a little freaked out just seeing people in 3D, but you know, I am so glad that we did this.

Jeannie: Yeah, me too.

Kyle: It’s such a weird time.

Jeannie: Um-hmm, it really is. It’s a cliche, but it’s unpresidented.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s funny.

Ego: That is funny.

Don: What? What’s funny?

Kyle: Well, you said ‘unpresidented’. That does a joke, you know? Like, we don’t have president.

Jeannie: Oh, no. I just said the word.

Don: Yeah. Like, you know, they say it at the ending of every commercial. Like, “In these unpresidented times.”

Jeannie: “In the unpresidented times, you need snickers” or whatever.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we had it confused.

Ego: Yeah. Because the word is actually–

Kenan: You know, you don’t have to actually do that.

Ego: I mean, but I would want to know.

Kenan: Or you can just let it go.

Don: No, no, say, say. Let what go?

Chloe: No. It’s just the word you’re thinking of is unprecedented.

Jeannie: Is it really? Unprecedented. Unprecedented.

Don: Unprecedented. Okay.

Jeannie: I guess we said that wrong. I guess.

Don: Hah. Unprecedented. Okay. Thank you.

Jeannie: Yes. Unprecedented? Yeah.  Thank you.

Kyle: Well, you know what’s unprecedented? These wings.

Kenan: Ha-ha. Okay.

Ego: Ha-ha-ha. Do you like em’? I bake them.

Kenan: Yeah. I actually think they taste better than the fried one.

Don: You know, I’m sorry we said the word wrong. Okay?

Kenan: I’m sorry. What was that?

Jeannie: I’m sorry we said the word wrong in your house. Or on your deck. Sorry, we’re on your deck!

Don: It was nothing. Watch it, Jeannie. Don’t say you’re in the house when we’re on the deck. You wouldn’t want to say the wrong place.

Jeannie: Yeah. We made so many mistakes tonight and I am sorry.

Don: Hey, sorry. Sorry, we had to make– we have a nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck.

Kyle: Don’t get upset. It’s nothing.

Ego: Yeah. You know, the other day I said ‘Dua Lipi’ instead of ‘Dua Lipa’.

Don: Look, we have not been out of the house in six months.

Jeannie: We’ve had show many COVID scares?

Don: I don’t know. I get–

Jeannie: [yelling] Kenan0! Kenan0!

Don: I get fevers. I don’t even know why. Okay?

Jeannie: So, I’m sorry we’re a little on edge. It’s just where we’re at.

Don: Okay? This is just our noon normal. Okay?

Kyle: New normal?

Don: What?

Kenan: Don’t correct him. You ain’t got to correct him.

Don: No, no, no, no, no. What did you say? I said noon normal. What did you say?

Chloe: The phrase is ‘new normal’.

Jeannie: He said noon normal.

Chloe: I know, but it’s new normal. What is noon normal?

Don: You know, it’s like when the day’s going great and then at around noon time, it just– [yelling] [Don throws his wine glass at the wall]

Kyle: Good god!

Jeannie: We are all we have. You see? We only see each other every day.

Don: Things get repeated. Our brains get confused.

Jeannie: We don’t have a deck. We don’t have outdoor lights. Well, we don’t have baked wings. We’re not rich.

Don: We drink our money.

Jeannie: Our money goes to drinks. [Jeannie throws her wine glass on the wall too]

Kyle: Oh good Jesus!

[Jeannie kicks the wings away]

Jeannie: I’m sorry. I have kicked the wings. I’m sorry.

Don: Yeah. And I might have broken a glass. And I think she broke one too. So, we owe you two glasses. Alright? For all intent and porposes, I’m sorry.

Jeannie: I’m sorry we’re bad.

Kenan: Jeannie, Don, calm down. Come on. It’s okay. The world is really stressful right now. You don’t have to be sorry for anything.

Ego: My wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that we’re together.

Kyle: And we’re safe and healthy.

Ego: Yeah. And thank god, no one has COVID.

Jeannie: I think you mean COVIN.

Kenan: [whispering to Ego] Girl, we’re gonna run out of glasses if you say something.

Ego: That’s right. It is COVIN. I meant to say COVIN.

All: Here’s to the end of COVIN.

Don Pauly

Joey… Pete Davidson

Don Pauly… Bill Burr

Mikey Day

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

Johnny… Alex Moffat

Nicky… Beck Bennett

Glar … Punkie Johnson

[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]

Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.

All: [raising their glasses] Salute.

Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.

Joey: Damn right.

Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?

Mikey: Um, okay.

Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?

Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.

Vinny: Racial.

Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.

Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?

Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.

Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?

Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!

Joey: Oh, hoof!

Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.

Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.

Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?

Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?

Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?

Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.

Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.

Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.

Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?

Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.

Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.

Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.

Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.

Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.

Vinny: Power.

Mikey: Yes, thank you.

Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?

Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.

Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.

Don Pauly: What?

Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.

Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.

All: Salute.

Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?

Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.

Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.

Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.

Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?

Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?

Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?

Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.

Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?

Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.

Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?

Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.

Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.

Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.

Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!

Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.

[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]

Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?

Nicky: Without consent?

Joey: In a pandemic?

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Future Ghost

Zac… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidy Gardner

Ghost… Chris Rock

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a young boy playing video game in the year Mom000]

Zac: Tony Hawk, you’ve done it again. A “Pro Skater Mom” far surpasses the original.

Mom: Zac, dinner’s almost ready. That’s your Zac0 minute warning.

Zac: I heard you in the first time, Rachel.

Mom: Please call me mom.

Zac: Hey, whatever. No wonder dad left to become a priest. Now if I could just grind this lunch table like P-I-M-P.

[The lights dim. Smoke appears behind Zac. Ghost walks out of the smoke. He has white hair, and all his clothes are white. He has a sword in his hand.]

Ghost: Hello, Zac.

Zac: Hey, what’s up? Wow, are you a ghost?

Ghost: Yeah, I’m like a ghost. Specifically a ghost from the future. And I have something important to show you.

Zac: Okay, just one sec. I’ll be right with you.

Ghost: Seriously. Can you pause it?

Zac: Go ahead, dude! I’m listening. I almost landed that combo.

Ghost: I was gonna show you what your future was like, but if you wanna just play your little skateboard game, that’s fine.

Zac: Wait, see my future? Yeah, I’ll pause my game for that freaking crap. Ay, hopefully I’ll live at the Playboy mansion.

Ghost: You don’t.

Zac: Okay. Well, then hopefully I’ll married to Eliza Dushku and the mom from Spy Kids.

Ghost: Well, you might want to lower those expectations. Here, take a look.

[Screen blurs. It’s a same room, but there’s another older guy playing video game now.]

Zac: Hey, is that me?

Ghost: This is you in 2020, okay? A global pandemic sends your life into a tale spin. You lose your job and you have to move back in with your mom. And this is all you ever do.

Zac: Oh, my god!

Ghost: Yeah, I know, right?

Zac: I can’t believe it. Those graphics are freaking insane! Holy freak! They look like real. Freak!

Ghost: Wait, wait, na, na, na. Forget about the graphics.

Zac: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll just forget about the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, are you blind? Did you look at in the clips while playing with yourself? It looks like real. And what the freak kind of console is that? A Playstation Mom?

Ghost: PSMom? No. That’s an old PS4.

Zac: 4? Oh, god! I think I just nutted for the first time in my life.

Ghost: You didn’t.

Zac: Oh, okay. And is that a wireless controller? Oh, hey, can I have Mom0Mom0 now, please? Haha.

Ghost: Can you please just stop fixating on the game and take this seriously?

Zac: Yeah, yeah. I’ll take it seriously. Right after I do this.

[dancing and singing] Those graphics,
I just saw the most awesome graphics,
and suddenly this game will never be the same

Ghost: Would you shut up, you goofy ass?

[Ghost slaps Zac very hard]

Zac: Hey, man!

Ghost: You don’t understand. In Mom0 years, the world as you know it is going to change forever. Look!

[Mom walks down with a mask on]

Zac: Hey. That’s my mom. Oh wow, and she’s a dentist now. It’s bad.

Mom: Zac, everything okay?

Zac from future: Nah! This wifi sucks ass. Why don’t you start Onlyfans so we can afford a second router?

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey, hey! That is no way to talk to your mother. This is my wife, dammit!

Zac: Hold up. My mom married Kenan Thompson? What?

[My Mom Married Kenan Thompson intro playing]

Male voice: My Mom Married Kenan Thompson, coming to Peacock this fall.

Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Digital Exclusive- Neighbors

Desmond… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle walking outside his house. He looks around. Then he picks the package that’s out of his door.] [Desmond comes running]

Desmond: Neighbor! OMG! What’s going on? It’s good to see you.

Kyle: Hey, Desmond.

Desmond: Oh, please, call me Dizzy.

Kyle: No thanks.

Desmond: Aw. Well, how have you been?

Kyle: You know, doing okay considering.

Desmond: Right? Holding up, doing the best we can. Puzzles.

Kyle: Right, yeah.

Desmond: But seriously, just stay six feet away from me at all times. Social distancing.

Kyle: Yes. I know about all that. I’m not trying to come close to you.

Desmond: It can also travel though droplets and live on surfaces for a long time. So, don’t tough things with your fingers and put your fingers in your eye and your nose and your throat or your mouth. Don’t suck on them.

kyle: I’m nog toing to suck on them.

Desmond: No. Yeah. But did you also know that they can travel through farts now?

Kyle: I’m sorry, farts?

Desmond: Still, be careful. We can’t be sniffing our farts willy nilly like, normal.

Kyle: I’m not going around smelling farts willy nilly.

Desmond: No, yeah, I know. But did you hear that you can pass the virus on by spitting in somebody’s throat?

Kyle: Why would I spit in somebody’s throat?

Desmond: Coz like– it was like– it could be a game if you can make it into your friend’s mouth from like, a certain distance away. Uh, but we can’t be playing that game anymore

Kyle: I’m sorry. What game is that?

Desmond: Spit throat?

Kyle: That’s not a game.

Desmond: I play it with my dad every Sundays.

Kyle: You play it with your father?

Desmond: Not anymore, though. I can’t do it.

Kyle: I can’t say I’ve ever played spit throat.

Desmond: You never played spit throat?

Kyle: Oh, god! Well, I’m taking all the necessary precautions.

Desmond: Yes! Thank you, coz– thanks. Thank you. Somebody is, because not all the neighbors are as good as you and me. Some of them are bad people and I’m thinking about reporting them.

Kyle: Well, I’m sure everybody’s doing their best.

Desmond: They’re not. The other day, I saw the Richardsons having sex with each other.

Kyle: Yes. They live together. And they’re married.

Desmond: No, it’s not. They shouldn’t be able to do it. Not while we can’t. I mean with– who knows who’s going to have sex with who?

Kyle: I under– I– Okay.

Desmond: I’ve been doing so many dishes. Cooking, cleaning. I feel like cinderella slaving away for my evil stepsisters. Except I don’t have any stepsisters. It’s just me. I’m all by myself. I’m alone. I’m all alone all by myself.

Kyle: Well, man. I think we’re all feeling pretty lonely.

Desmond: Right. Pretty much day 16, I was doing my pillow.

Kyle: I’m sorry. You were doing your pillow?

Desmond: What?

Kyle: It seems like, you just said that you were doing your pillow.

Desmond: I– I have not been doing anything to my pillow. I was fluffing it.

Kyle: Alright, Desmond, I’ve got to go. Okay?

Desmond: Wait! I don’t have a roommate. Do you have a roommate?

Kyle: No. But that’s–

Desmond: We could form a cell and live together and pool resources and duties. Yes!

Kyle: No.

Desmond: Yes.

Kyle: No.

Desmond: Please. Let me live with you.

Kyle: Absolutely not. No. I’m not– I don’t want to do that.

Desmond: Cool. I saw that you left your house for six hours the other day. Was that an essential trip?

Kyle: I’m sorry, you were watching me? That’s creepy!

Desmond: Neighborhood watch. We’re all in this together. So, if somebody in the neighborhood happens to leave on non-essential trip, picks up some droplets maybe, brings the virus back in the neighborhood, it’s my duty to report it. Unless that person was my roommate.

Kyle: Are you trying to blackmail me into being roommates?

Desmond: Let me just know what you think about living together.

Kyle: It’s not gonna happen. Please, just leave me alone, Desmond.

Desmond:Tell you what. I’m gonna bring some banana bread in a little tinfoil package. And then, maybe that’ll change your mind.

Kyle: No. I don’t– I don’t need your banana bread.

Desmond: Aww! [Desmond snaps his finger and disappears.] [Kyle is looking around. Desmond jus appears beside him again.]

Kyle: [scared] Oh, god!

Desmond: Banana bread.

Kyle: No, I don’t want that.

Desmond: Let me live with you. [Kyle runs in] Aw!

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.