Beers

Josh… Beck Bennett

Mario… Kyle Mooney

CJ… Larry David

[Starts with Josh playing a clarinet in home] [Mario walks in]

Mario: What is that sound? And who do I have to pay to make it stop?

Josh: I’m practicing my clarinet for when my cousin CJ gets here.

Mario: Oh, yeah. Think he’ll be able to take care of our fish when we go on our bike ride tomorrow?

Josh: I hope so. CJ loves fish.

Mario: Great! In the mean time, do you mind taking that thing outside? [pointing at Josh’s clarinet]

Josh: Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Josh and Mario in the kitchen. CJ walks in.]

Josh: My cousin, CJ.

CJ: Josh and Mario. Here I am. Let’s celebrate. Got any beers?

[Mario passes six-packs of beers to CJ]

Perfect! One for you. [CJ passes one can to Mario] And five for me. [CJ keeps five for himself]

Josh: Cousin CJ, can we ask you something?

CJ: Why not? I am your cousin CJ after all.

Mario: What we were wondering is will you watch our fish while we ride bikes tomorrow?

CJ: I can’t believe you’d ask me that. Of course I will.

[Josh, Mario and CJ high-five each other] [Cut to CJ drinking beer alone at night. Mario walks in to the fridge.]

CJ: Let me guess. Snack time for Mario?

Mario: [gets scared] Ah! CJ, I didn’t know you were there.

CJ: Sorry about that. We need more beer.

Mario: What about feeding the fish tomorrow?

CJ: Who cares? Beer is all that matters to me.

Mario: We’re all out, CJ. And that’s that.

[CJ throws the chair to the fridge and breaks it.] [Cut to Mario getting ready for bike ride. CJ walks in drinking beer.]

CJ: Oh, good morning, Mario. Sleep well?

Mario: No, I didn’t and I think you know why.

CJ: Who cares?

[CJ picks up a stool and breaks it again.] [Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey, what’s going on in here?

CJ: Me and Mario were just goofing around. Right Mario?

Mario: Yeah. Just goofing around. Hey, Josh, can we talk in private?

Josh: Sure.

[Josh and Mario take a step back.]

Mario: Your cousin CJ, he has been drinking a lot and throwing chairs at me.

Josh: Oh, relax, Mario. He’s just having fun. It’s very exciting time for cousin CJ. [Cut to CJ eavesdropping] He just got to town.

Mario: Listen, I didn’t want to say this but I’m gonna tell you. I think he’s addicted.

Josh: CJ?

[Josh turns and looks at CJ drinking]

Mario: Alright, let’s go on our bike ride.

[Cut to CJ playing guitar alone in the house. He sees the fish bowl.]

CJ: Wait, what was I supposed to do today? Oh, yeah. Have a blast.

[as CJ is playing guitar running around, he breaks the fish bowl.] [Cut to Josh and Mario peeking from the outside] [Josh and Mario walk in]

CJ: Hey, feeding the fish went great!

Mario: You’re lying. You killed the fish. You used to be my hero.

CJ: Leave me alone loser. [CJ pulls out a knife and stabs Mario. Mario is bleeding.] Oh, no! I stabbed Mario. Why would I do this?

Josh: Because you’re addicted. Admit it.

CJ: You’re right. I admit it. I need help.

Mario: Great! Let’s drink!

Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.] [the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume] [everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently] [Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

The Maiden and The Mice

Mina… Gal Gadot

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Story Book Classics intro]

Male voice: WE now return you to ‘Story Book Classics’ presents, The Maiden and the Mice.

[Cut to Mina getting in a room]

Mina: Oh, no! All is lost.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: What’s wrong, Mina?

Aidy: Don’t cry, Mina.

Kate: We love you.

[Cut to all]

Mina: Oh, my good, good mice. My evil stepmother. She stole my gown right before the ball, and the prince is on his way.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Never fear, Mina.

Aidy: You can still go to the ball.

Kate: Because we made you a dress!

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: What? Oh, little mice. You are my best and dearest friends. Where is it?

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: We will show you.

[Cut to all. The mice pull the divider in front of Mina and starts changing her dress.]

Aidy: Okay. We’ll help you. There we go. A thread is here.

Kyle: That’s the buttons. Perfect.

Aidy: Amazing!

Kate: Incredible.

[The divider is removed. The dress is horrible.]

Kyle: Oh, Mina, it’s perfect.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh! It’s– whoa!

Kyle: See, speechless!

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: She loves it.

Kate: You do love it, right princess?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, yeah. Of course I do. It’s just a lot.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: What does that mean?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. It’s great. I just– I might take it with me and put it on there when I get there.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Why? You’re already wearing it.

Aidy: Princess, if you don’t like it, please, just say so.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: It’s just not really me. You see, I would never choose this for myself.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Well, we can add more hair balls if you want.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Um, maybe.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Is it a maybe? Or is it a no?

[Cut to all]

Mina: Okay. If I’m being completely honest…

Kyle: Oh, sure, start now.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Well, it’s made of rags and bags and chunks of dust.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. We’re working on a budget of zero dollars.

Kyle: And also, we’re mice. It’s a miracle we made anything.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I just can’t wear this to the ball.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Okay. Okay, cool. Well, I wish we knew that before we spent nine hours on it.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Ah! I didn’t know you were definitely working on it. I mean, I heard you mention it but I didn’t realize it was a go.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. My mom’s doing fine, by the way.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I could maybe wear it to the afterparty.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Look, we want you to wear it because you want to wear it, not because you’re humoring us.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, guys. Come on. Look at this. There’s big holes in it and the stitches are uneven.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Of course the stitches are uneven. Once again, we’re mice.

Aidy: Yes. The button is the size of my whole body.

Kate: We only live like, a year. We basically gave you our 20s.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: And I appreciate it. But this is not an evening gown.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: What do you know? You’re poor.

Aidy: Yeah. You’re poor. We live in a castle. We’re rich.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Stop calling me poor.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: You’re poor. Poor!

Mice: The prince!

[The prince walks in]

Prince: Mina, you look… wow.

Mina: Oh, my prince. I know. It’s terrible. All I have is a dress made by mice.

Prince: You mean… [Prince bows to the mice] You made this beautiful thing?

Aidy: Well, yes.

Prince: Would you accompany me to the ball?

Aidy: Oh, yes.

Mina: What? What about me?

Prince: Oh, sorry. I don’t date poor chicks. It gets messy real fast.

[The End]

Mirage

Kenan Thompson

Mark… Beck Bennett

Natalia… Gal Gadot

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Manager… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Kenan and Mark walking in a desert]

Kenan: Oh, there’s nothing. Just sand.

Mark: We haven’t had water for days. Our best bet is to stop and hope they will find us.

[Kenan and Mark sit]

Kenan: Oh! Natgeo.com doesn’t have the budget to search the whole Arabian desert for two B-roll cameramen. [looks around] Oh, wait. You see that, Mark?

Mark: No. If you’re seeing something, it must be a mirage.

[Cut to the open desert. Kenan is seeing a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert.]

Kenan: But it looks so real.

Lemonade girl: Hey there, you big thirsty guy? Do you wanna have some ice-cold lemonade?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh my god! Natalia, my wife’s trainer? Why am I seeing her?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Mark: Your brain is just giving you what you want to see.

[Cut to Natalia]

Natalia: Hey there, bit thirsty. I can’t drink all this lemonade by myself, silly guy.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, then we got work to do, baby.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: [breathing heavy] Oh, I think I’m seeing something too.

[Cut to the open desert. Mark is seeing Jamba Juice stand.]

Mikey: I got a banana-mataz for Mark. Banana-mataz with a zinc boost for Mark.

Kyle: Sir! Your banana-mataz with zinc boost is at the counter. Once again, Mark!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: What the hell?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: What? What do you see, brother?

Mark: The Jamba Juice by my old work.

Kenan: Oh. Well, who’s making your smoothies? Some swimsuit model?

Mark: No. It’s the actual guys who worked at the Jamba Juice. Why is this what my brain is making me see right now? Are mirages supposed to be like a fantasy?

Kenan: Well, I wish you were seeing what I’m seeing.

[Cut to Natalia holding two lemons and teasing him]

Natalia: Hey, big thirsty. If you want to have your lemonade, you have got to dance with me.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, it’s a deal. [to Mark] How you doing, man?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I’m seeing a woman now.

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: Oh, alright. Who?

Mark: The manager and she hated me.

[Cut to Manager standing in front of the Jamba Juice stand and yelling at Mark]

Manager: Hey! You have a banana-mataz at the counter. Go get your damn banana-mataz juice.

[Cut to Mark looking frightened]

Mark: Oh, god! I don’t want to see the Jamba Juice staff right now.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, man. The sun is getting hotter. I’m burning up.

[Cut to Natalia holding a hand-fan and teasing Kenan]

Natalia: Oh, so hot. I had to lose my shirt. I’m probably a stinky little lady because I’m so sweaty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, this lemonade stand is getting pretty sexy.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: So is Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Mikey and Kyle playing at Jamba Juice stand shirtless.]

Kyle: Damn, sir. It’s hot as hell today.

Mikey: Yeah! By the way, I’ve still got a–

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: — A banana-mataz for Mark. I know! [to Kenan] I want to see what you’re seeing.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, Natalia? Well, I mean, I showed you that photo of her. Just picture it.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Okay. Come on, brain. Natalia. Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia behind Jamba Juice stand]

Natalia: Hey there, handsome sweaty guy. I’ve never made a smoothie before. Will you help me?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I would love to, Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia. She eats a strawberry.]

Natalia: Umm. Strawberry is my favorite.

[Mikey and Kyle walk in]

Mikey: You can’t be behind here.

Kyle: You cannot be behind the counter.

[Mikey and Kyle pushes Natalia away] [Cut to Mark]

Mark: No! Natalia left!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Same over here. But I don’t mind her replacement.

[Cut to Manager behind the lemonade stand]

Manager: Let’s drink some lemonade, dude!

Espionage

Kenan Thompson

Perkins… Alex Moffat

Jensen… Luke Null

Sabine… Gal Gadot

Vixen… Cecily Strong

Kay… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Hodges… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three men inside a van with spying equipments]

Kenan: Perkins, you’re about to go head to head with one of Europe’s most cunning spies. Are you ready for this?

Perkins: I am, sir.

Kenan: Okay, Jensen, do you have a secure video link?

Jensen: Yeah. It’s encrypted end to end. She should be coming through on your screen now.

Perkins: Um, Sabine, hello.

[Cut to Sabine. she is wearing all black and has a black eye patch.]

Sabine: Good evening, Mr. Perkins. At long last, we speak in person.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Let’s cut to the chase. We need the flash drive that you are carrying.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: You Americans, all business no play, huh? I believe this is what you’re looking for? And if you want it, you will have to give me..[the video has glitches and Sabine’s speech is inaudible] [Cut to three men in the van]

Kenan: Jensen, what the hell? Why did we lose her?

Jensen: I think it’s interference in the signal, sir. I’m trying to get her back.

[Cut to their screen. Sabine’s cam is turned off. ‘Sexy Slut Now’ live video is turned on. There are two women at the kitchen. One is sitting on the table and another is smoking in front of the webcam.]

Vixen: Okay, guys. Webcam is live. Nice to see you again if you are returning. If you are new, I’m miss Vixen. And y’all remember Kay? Kay sat on the cake yesterday.

Kay: Hi, guys. Hope you are ready with your tips because I’m feeling nasty.

Vixen: That’s right. Just click the tip button the the right of the screen and Kay and I will try to make your wildest fantasies come true.

Kay: Oh, yeah, baby. Get creative!.

[Cut to the men in van]

Kenan: What is this?

Perkins: Well, sir, it looks like these ladies are doing a sexy webcam show in what looks like a filthy kitchen.

Kenan: I know that, but why are we looking at it, Jenson?

Jensen: I’m sorry, sir. It seems like they’re piggybacking on Sabine’s wifi or something. Just one second.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Do you agree to my terms or no?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: I’m sorry. I lost you for a second. I need you to repeat all that.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Oh, I don’t have time for silly games. I give you 15 minutes to make the deposit or I’ll go to someone else.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: No. No, no. I’ll get it to you. Just tell me where.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Of course. Just deposit the money in the account that I give you — [[the video has glitches and it switches to Vixen and Kay]

Vixen: This is for you, Bootycall41. Thank you for your tips. Kay! You have to get to into the microphone. He is asking for a louder crunch.

Kay: Oh, you got it, baby.

[Vixen and Kay are eating pickles and making loud chewing sound]

Vixen: You like how we crunching this pickle?

Kay: Show us with your tips.

[Cut to the men in the van]

Kenan: Dammit! Why is this happening?

Perkins: Well, sir, it seems like Bootycall41 must have some kind of crunch fetish and he is willing to pay for it, I guess.

Kenan: I know this. Just fix it, Jenson.

Jensen: I’m trying, sir.

Kenan: Well, now, what are they doing?

[Cut to Vixen and Kay.Kay is sitting on a chair and Vixen is turning it round.]

Kay: Oh! I’m dizzy!

Vixen: Yeah? You like that Saggysack77? I got Kay all dizzy for you. Now, you got to walk around, Kay, he wants to see you walking all dizzy.

Kay: Okay. Here I go. [Kay stands and falls right after] [Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: [giggling] Did you see that? She landed on her face.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Who landed on her face?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Um, no one. Nothing, Sabine. Now, let’s finish this.

[Cut to Vixen and Kay. Mr. Hodges is standing in the middle and Vixen and Kay are dancing around him.]

Vixen: Oh, Mr. Hodges has joined the party.

Kay: Yeah. You like that, Mr. Hodges?

Mr. Hodge: We’ll get more soon.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: Now, where did Mr. Hodges come from?

Perkins: Um, I’d say he is probably a cool neighbor. A dude they play with but nothing serious.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: This is very serious. I’m done playing games. Wire $40 million to the account I’m sending you now.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: What? $40 million? You said $20 million.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Well, I changed my mind. You have 10 seconds.

[Cut to men in the van]

Perkins: [to Kenan] What do I do?

Kenan: Send it!

Perkins: Okay, Sabine. You win.

[Perkins presses enter] [Cut to Vixen and Kay. Perkins mistakenly send the money to them.]

Vixen: Oh, my god! We just got $40 million in tips.

Kay: I’m gonna buy an aquarium.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: What? What the hell? You sent the money to Ms. Vixen and Kay? Get it back.

Jensen: I can’t sir. It’s in their tip jar. It’s their’s.

Perkins: Argh! What do we do?

Kenan: I guess we figure out what we want to see these ladies do and watch it. I vote for the pickle thing.

Perkins: Definitely.

Jensen: Yeah, me too.

[cut to Vixen and Kay eating pickles]

Vixen: You like that crunch? That’s vlasic, baby!

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Dive Bar

Treese Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Larry Fontanelle… Ryan Gosling

Raj… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Dirtrisha… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Treese and his band playing in a bar]

Treese: [singing] And that’s what she had all of the stuff in her hands, oh yeah, mmm.

Yes. Beautiful. [The audience at the bar are clapping] Hello and thank you for spending your Sunday with us at Mickey’s End Zone. This is about football, right? We’re just warming you up for the football game that will play on a tiny television that is located directly behind us at the level of our middle backs. But we will move, right? We will move.

Larry: We will move. We will move at one point.

Treese: That’s right. At one point, we will be moving.

Larry: We’re gonna move.

Treese: And then, you can watch your heavenly Cardinals trying to outsizzle your Niner fours. Yes. [Treese picks the TV remote and turns the TV off] A little later. But right now, [Cut to Treese] is there a tiny tissue? Does anyone have a tiny little tissue or a towelette perhaps? I have to admit that I ran all the way here.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: From where, my man?

Treese: Dirtrisha’s house. She tried to show me a part of herself that I was not ready to receive.

Larry: I have just found a Kleenex.

Treese: Oh, nice.

Larry: Here you go. [passing Treese the tissue]

Treese: Oh, great! Thank you very much. Let’s hit it!

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
I wonder who’s going to Kaepernick take a knee

Hello, everyone. I am Treese Hinderson. Allow me to introduce you to my band. To my immediate left and on the keyboard is Raj.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: This keyboard is a wild animal tonight. [playing keyboard solo] Yeah!

[Cut to Treese, Larry and Raj]

Treese: And on my right, Mr. Larry Fontanelle on his rock n’ roll flute.

[Cut to Larry. He is playing flute horribly.]

Larry: Thank you. Yes. [Cut to Treese and Larry] Thank you for calling it a rock n’ roll flute. It’s not just a flute. It’s deeper than that.

Treese: Oh, I know it is. I remember the first time I called it just a flute and you kicked me directly in my underbags.

Larry: I felt them on the top of my shoes.

Treese: Yes. Hey, real quick. Is that girl that you are dealing with still being problematic?

Larry: Let’s not go there. Not here.

Treese: Well, I think it would be good for you to talk about it.

Larry: But I have been advised not to.

Treese: Oh, so they’re planning to investigate further?

Larry: Yes.

Treese: The attorneys?

Larry: that’s how they introduced themselves. Yes.

Treese: Because the husband found out?

Larry: There’s more to it than that.

Treese: Well, what does that mean? There was one husband, and extra dude, and you?

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Just let the man be, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it here.

Treese: Oh, you are a mystery just like Daniel Craig.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
make sure the grass is dry before you take a knee

Whoo! Whoa, look at this lovely couple down front here. How are you guys feeling?

[cut to Beck and Heidi]

Beck: Just curious about what happened with your rock n’ roll flutist.

Heidi: Yeah. I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with that guy.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: I know, right? You would think that as his roommate, he would share more of what’s going on with his life with me.

Larry: Ask me in private and I’ll tell you.

Treese: Well, I never see you in private. You just go right into your room.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Leave him alone, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: Well, I mean, is she preggo? You know? Full with child? PG? Is she PG? Because if she’s PG, I would like to make you both a little something from build a bear.

[phone ringing]

Larry: My phone. Sorry. I have to answer this. Hello.

Treese: Who is it?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, officer.

Treese: Officer? Well, that’s either the police or the military. Is it the police?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, that’s where I live.

Treese: Well, I do too. I mean your roommate.

Larry: [speaking on phone] What do you mean the broken window?

Treese: What window? Was it in the front room? Did they access the common area?

Larry: [to Treese] Will you shut up for a second? [speaking on phone] Uh-huh. So they sacked the place?

Treese: Sacked? Did they get my good jeans?

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry. What was that?

Treese: Are they there now? Ask them if anyone has seen my good jeans.

Larry: [to Treese] Can you calm down, man?

Treese: But these are my good dark jeans. I can wear them with my big tops. Ask about the jeans.

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry, but did you happen to see any jeans?

Treese: Good jeans.

Larry: No, good jeans lying around. Okay, I see. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]

Treese: What did they say about my jeans?

Larry: They didn’t see any good ones there.

Treese: Oh, it must be that girl’s husband that you are in love web with. They took my good jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
taking the knee but not in my good dark jeans

[Cut to Dirtrisha in the audience. She is holding the jeans Treese is talking about.]

Dirtrisha: [yelling] Treese!

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Look what I got, your favorite thing in the world.

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, it was you? You have my good jeans?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Nobody runs out on me. [Dirtrisha tears the jeans apart] [Cut to Treese]

Treese: Ah! Oh, my good dark jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
football knees get down on the football screen

Enjoy the game, everyone. [The power cuts] And we just lost power. Perfect! Okay, perfect.

Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.] [Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro] [music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]