Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Digital Exclusive- Neighbors

Desmond… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle walking outside his house. He looks around. Then he picks the package that’s out of his door.] [Desmond comes running]

Desmond: Neighbor! OMG! What’s going on? It’s good to see you.

Kyle: Hey, Desmond.

Desmond: Oh, please, call me Dizzy.

Kyle: No thanks.

Desmond: Aw. Well, how have you been?

Kyle: You know, doing okay considering.

Desmond: Right? Holding up, doing the best we can. Puzzles.

Kyle: Right, yeah.

Desmond: But seriously, just stay six feet away from me at all times. Social distancing.

Kyle: Yes. I know about all that. I’m not trying to come close to you.

Desmond: It can also travel though droplets and live on surfaces for a long time. So, don’t tough things with your fingers and put your fingers in your eye and your nose and your throat or your mouth. Don’t suck on them.

kyle: I’m nog toing to suck on them.

Desmond: No. Yeah. But did you also know that they can travel through farts now?

Kyle: I’m sorry, farts?

Desmond: Still, be careful. We can’t be sniffing our farts willy nilly like, normal.

Kyle: I’m not going around smelling farts willy nilly.

Desmond: No, yeah, I know. But did you hear that you can pass the virus on by spitting in somebody’s throat?

Kyle: Why would I spit in somebody’s throat?

Desmond: Coz like– it was like– it could be a game if you can make it into your friend’s mouth from like, a certain distance away. Uh, but we can’t be playing that game anymore

Kyle: I’m sorry. What game is that?

Desmond: Spit throat?

Kyle: That’s not a game.

Desmond: I play it with my dad every Sundays.

Kyle: You play it with your father?

Desmond: Not anymore, though. I can’t do it.

Kyle: I can’t say I’ve ever played spit throat.

Desmond: You never played spit throat?

Kyle: Oh, god! Well, I’m taking all the necessary precautions.

Desmond: Yes! Thank you, coz– thanks. Thank you. Somebody is, because not all the neighbors are as good as you and me. Some of them are bad people and I’m thinking about reporting them.

Kyle: Well, I’m sure everybody’s doing their best.

Desmond: They’re not. The other day, I saw the Richardsons having sex with each other.

Kyle: Yes. They live together. And they’re married.

Desmond: No, it’s not. They shouldn’t be able to do it. Not while we can’t. I mean with– who knows who’s going to have sex with who?

Kyle: I under– I– Okay.

Desmond: I’ve been doing so many dishes. Cooking, cleaning. I feel like cinderella slaving away for my evil stepsisters. Except I don’t have any stepsisters. It’s just me. I’m all by myself. I’m alone. I’m all alone all by myself.

Kyle: Well, man. I think we’re all feeling pretty lonely.

Desmond: Right. Pretty much day 16, I was doing my pillow.

Kyle: I’m sorry. You were doing your pillow?

Desmond: What?

Kyle: It seems like, you just said that you were doing your pillow.

Desmond: I– I have not been doing anything to my pillow. I was fluffing it.

Kyle: Alright, Desmond, I’ve got to go. Okay?

Desmond: Wait! I don’t have a roommate. Do you have a roommate?

Kyle: No. But that’s–

Desmond: We could form a cell and live together and pool resources and duties. Yes!

Kyle: No.

Desmond: Yes.

Kyle: No.

Desmond: Please. Let me live with you.

Kyle: Absolutely not. No. I’m not– I don’t want to do that.

Desmond: Cool. I saw that you left your house for six hours the other day. Was that an essential trip?

Kyle: I’m sorry, you were watching me? That’s creepy!

Desmond: Neighborhood watch. We’re all in this together. So, if somebody in the neighborhood happens to leave on non-essential trip, picks up some droplets maybe, brings the virus back in the neighborhood, it’s my duty to report it. Unless that person was my roommate.

Kyle: Are you trying to blackmail me into being roommates?

Desmond: Let me just know what you think about living together.

Kyle: It’s not gonna happen. Please, just leave me alone, Desmond.

Desmond:Tell you what. I’m gonna bring some banana bread in a little tinfoil package. And then, maybe that’ll change your mind.

Kyle: No. I don’t– I don’t need your banana bread.

Desmond: Aww! [Desmond snaps his finger and disappears.] [Kyle is looking around. Desmond jus appears beside him again.]

Kyle: [scared] Oh, god!

Desmond: Banana bread.

Kyle: No, I don’t want that.

Desmond: Let me live with you. [Kyle runs in] Aw!

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Eleanor’s House

Eleanor… Aidy Bryant

Richard Carson… Kyle Mooney

Coleen… Heidi Gardner

Burger… Pete Davidson

[Start’s with Eleanor’s House intro]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

[Cut to Eleanor in her home. Her house is very colorful.]

Eleanor: Hi, I’m Eleanor. Welcome back to my house. This is my best friend, Goldie. [pointing at an animated goldfish by her side.]

Goldie: That’s me.

Eleanor: I’m sad today

Goldie: Why?

Eleanor: Because it’s my birthday but I can’t have a party because of this pandemic.

Goldie: You can still have a party. You just have to use your imagination.

Eleanor: Hey, that’s a great idea. An imagination party.

Goldie: Yeah.

Eleanor: Can you help me? Let’s close our eyes and imagine. [doorbell ringing] Oh, that must be our first party guest.] [There’s a animated purple dot at the door]

Dog: Hello and happy birthday Eleanor.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you, purple dog.

Dog: This is such a fun party. Would you mind if I invited a friend?

Eleanor: Of course, the more the merrier.

[doorbell ringing. There’s animated ice cream at the door]

Ice cream: Great party. It’s cool if I invite a friend, right?

Eleanor: Of course. Who is it?

Ice cream: Oh, it’s my buddy from out of town. Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Um, sure.

[Richard Carson walks in]

Richard: Hey there, happy birthday sweetheart. I’m Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Oh, hello. I’m Eleanor.

Richard: My wife Coleen’s in the car changing. But don’t worry. She’ll be here in a second.

[Coleen walks in the door.]

Coleen: Richie, I can’t find my other shoe.

Dog: Eleanor, shall we have some cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Yes, you know, we can imagine any kind of cake we want.

Goldie: Like a big cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Even the biggest cake in the world.

[Suddenly, there are a lot of people in Eleanor’s party. Richard and Coleen are making out in the middle of the room.]

Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, who are all these people?

Richard: These are our Michigan friends.

Coleen: We met them ATVing.

Eleanor: We need to stop inviting people.

Richard: Hey, it’s a party. Relax. You know, my friend really wants to meet you. He thinks you’re pretty.

Eleanor:  [blushing] Oh, okay.

[Burger walks to Eleanor]

Burger: Hey, I’m Burger. Thanks for having us over.

Eleanor: Oh, sure. Hey. I mean, it’s not big deal. I like to hang out.

Burger: Yeah. I could tell. What do you think about some same room sex later?

Eleanor: What?

Burger: Richard and Coleen going at it and you and I going to town, but like, all in the same room so people could sneak peek.

Eleanor: No, thank you. [walks to Ice Cream] Hey, what’s going on with your friend Richard Carson?

Ice Cream: What? He’s cool. He’s from Vegas.

Eleanor: Well, he needs to get the [bleep] out of my house.

[Two policemen walk in]

Police: Alright, party’s over.

Richard: Hey, I know my rights. I got a note from my doctor saying that I can’t drive sober.

Coleen: Seriously, if he doesn’t party, he dies.

[Richard tries to punch the policemen. He gets tasered.]

Stop it! You’re going to kill him.

Police: [to Eleanor] Ma’am. You need to get your life together.

Eleanor: Yes, yes. Thank you. I will. This always happens. I’m sorry. [everyone leaves] Well, see you next time on Eleanor’s house. [waving]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

Kyle’s Transformation

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

Justin Theroux

[Starts with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooneyat the office]

Beck: Man, psyched for Mulaney this week.

Kyle: Yeah. Any idea what you’re working on?

Beck: Um, maybe Halloween wrap or Christmas wrap.

Kyle: Cool.

[John Mulaney knocks the door and walks in]

John: Hey, guys.

Beck: Hey, John.

Kyle: What’s up, man?

John: Um, I’m gonna write this strip club sketch where all the guys play male strippers. And I was just making sure that you, Beck, were okay with taking your shirt off.

Beck: Yeah. Of course. That sounds amazing.

Kyle: Yeah. Do- do you think you’ll be needing me for the sketch?

John: As like a awkward guy?

Kyle: I don’t know. As one of the dancers?

John: Oh, Kyle, I don’t know if you’re like, exactly built for for that.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kyle: Of course. Right.

Beck: Yeah. And whatever that is, [pointing at Kyle’s face] it might not work.

Kyle: [laughs lightly] Totally.

John: I mean it’s like [thinks hard]. Come on, Kyle.

[Kyle slowly starts hearing them in echos]

Beck: I mean, can you imagine if he was in it?

John: I mean that’d be like, have to just cut.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: So, it’s Mulaney week which is always a blast. And there are already so many amazing ideas. Unfortunately, I’m not always gonna be a part of those great ideas because I guess people think of me as one thing.

[Kyle walks by the hall. He peeks inside writer’s room.]

Male: Who should play the dork?

John: Uhh, definitely Kyle.

Male: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Obviously.

[Kyle starts remembering his past sketches where he played dork.] [Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: And I think it’s time for me to change that. Here we go.

[Cut to Beck walking to his office. Rock music is playing inside and guys are making noise. He knocks the door.]

Beck: Kyle, what the hell?

[Kyle opens the door. Their shared room office is filled with gym equipments and there are two trainers for Kyle in there.]

Kyle: Beck, sorry man. Must have got a little carried away. Come on in. [breathing heavy] I moved some stuff around. Hope that’s cool. [pointing at guy trainer] This is Justin. He is helping me to get into fighting shape.

Justin: Justin Theroux. Nice to meet you.

Kyle: [pointing at girl trainer] That’s Nadia. She’s my nutritionist. Or as we like to call her ‘she who will slap cookies out of my hand.’ Ha-ha-ha. I had to man.

Beck: Kyle, what the hell is this all about?

Kyle: The strip club sketch that Mulaney’s writing. I wanna be in it. And NBC said they’d fill the bill if I wanna train. So, I’m just trying to make it happen.

Beck: Okay, well, I mean I need to work.

Kyle: Of course, brother. Hey, me too. Ha-ha-ha. [Kyle plays rock music again] Come on, now! Here we go. Are you ready? [Kyle does the exercises making too much noise]

Justin: Three more!

Beck: It’s kinda’ hard to work.

[Cut to Kyle narrating. He looks jacked.]

Kyle: So, I’ve been hitting it pretty hard. I’ve gained 37 pounds of muscle in, let’s see here, two days. And I’m feeling like, “Get me in that strip club sketch.” But I do feel good. And it’s pretty crazy, you know. People are starting to treat me a little different around here.

[Cut to Kyle doing crossfit in the office hallway.]

Chris: Damn, Kyle looks jacked.

Aidy: I know. He’s so hot. He’s gonna be put in every comedy sketch.

[Kyle finishes his workout. Nadis lets him have a bite of his bread.] [Chloe Fineman approaches to Kyle]

Chloe: Hey, Kyle, you left one of your juices rotting on my desk.

Kyle: Sorry, Chloe. I’m such a spazz. But that’s just me, I guess. I love hiking and my family.

Chloe: Aww, Kyle. Hey, would you ever wanna–

Kyle: Have sex with each other?

Chloe: Well, I was gonna say grab a drink.

Kyle: Ah! I can’t drink anymore. But I can have sex with you before my 5 PM bedtime.

Chloe: Um, okay.

Kyle: Yeah. Let’s do it. I’m feeling pretty good.

Chloe: Oh!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Well, I put in the work, became less interesting. And now they’re gonna put me on the cover of SNL Magazine. So, what do you say we check in on that strip club sketch. [screams] Ah!

[Cut to Kyle in Lorne Michaels’ office.]

Lorne: So, Kyle. Everybody’s happy about the body. So, what’s next?

Kyle: Lorne, it’s been amazing awesome experience and for working with you. But I gotta know, am I get into that Mulaney strip club sketch?

Lorne: Oh, I know John. I can put in a call.

[Kyle walks to Lorne Michaels to shake hands]

Kyle: I appreciate it, big boss man.

Lorne: [trying to feel Kyle’s biceps] Can I?

Kyle: Please.

Lorne: Ouf!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Alright. We did it. I got in the sketch. [screaming] Ah!

[John walks to Kyle]

John: Oh, hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hey.

John: Hey, big rewrite on the strip club sketch. I’ve been looking for you. It’s just gonna be a bunch of awkward guys now.

Kyle: Oh, okay.

John: So, we’re gonna lose you.

Kyle: Alright, got it.

John: And also, you’re fired from the show.

Kyle: Aw, man. Really?

John: Yeah.

Kyle: Awkward question, can I get your autograph?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kyle: [celebrating] Alright!

[Cut to SNL magazine with John Mulaney on the front page. It’s signed by him to Kyle.]

Jackie Robinson

Ego Nwodim

John Mulaney

Terence Washington… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with pictures of black figures and role models] [There’s written ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History.’] [Cut to Ego Nwodim in her set]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: The year was nineteenfortyseven. Baseball was America’s favorite past time. And thanks to one man, it had finally become integrated. Jackie Robinson’s courage on and off the field made a symbol of hope for black America. But sadly, not everyone was happy.

[Cut to a video clip of Jackie Robinson running in the baseball field]

Anchor: And Robinson’s heading the third base. But wait, I think he’s gonna try for home.] [Cut to the audience cheering for Jackie Robinson. Everyone is white except one black man, Terence Washington. He is sitting with his son.]

John: Common, Jackie, you can do it.

Terence: No, no! He ain’t gonna make it.

Anchor: Here comes the throw and he is–

Terence: Out!

Anchor: Safe!

John: There you go, Jackie. That’s the way to get him.

Kyle: Hey, how about three cheers for Jackie?

All: Hurray!

Terence: Psst! Boo!

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Today on ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History,’ we take a look back at Terence Washington, the first black man to ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson at a baseball game.

[Cut to the audience]

John: Son, did you see the way Jackie flew from second to home? That was–

Terence: Selfish was what it was. Baseball ain’t about hot-dogging. Like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the baseball game.

Mikey: I don’t think that’s the saying at all.

John: What’s with this guy? How could he not like Jackie Robinson?

Kyle: He must be from out of town.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington was not from out of town. He grew up in Brooklyn, New York and was a life long Dodgers fan up until Jackie Robinson joined the team in nineteenforgyseven. Terence was so upset by Robinson’s arrival, he’d show up to dodgers games and root for the other team.

[Cut to the audience]

Beck: I don’t know. I still say this Robinson guy is all hype.

Terence: Oh, thank you. He gets it.

John: Are you crazy? He’s the best ball player I’ve ever seen.

Terence: What?

Beck: Get out of here.

Kyle: I don’t know about that. What about Joe DiMaggio?

Beck: Or Ted Williams?

Terence: Or Terence Washington.

Mikey: What about the Stan ‘the man’ Musial?

Terence: Or Terence ‘the enlarged heart’ Washington.

John: Wait, who the heck is Terence Washington?

Terence: Hah! You hear this? This chump talking about baseball but he don’t even know Terence ‘the heart murmurs’ Washington.

Beck: I gotta be honest. I don’t know that is either.

Kyle: Is his name ‘the enlarged heart?’ Or ‘the heart murmur?’

Terence: It’s both. And he’s the greatest hitter in Nigro league’s history. Plus he can run faster than a quart of prune juice through a colon.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington never actually played baseball. Mostly due to his enlarged heart and many heart murmurs. But the people who knew him best say that he had a personal vendetta against Robinson. Ever since his ex-wife mentioned that Jackie was handsome.

[Cut to the audience]

Anchor: Now batting with the bases rolling, Jackie Robinson.

Terence: Oh, I hate him. He ain’t even handsome.

John: Okay, if Robinson gets a hit, dodgers win.

Terence: He ain’t going to get it. He’s going to mess it up.

Mikey: What are you talking about? He’s hitting four for four.

John: Come on, Jackie, you can do it, man.

Terence: No, you can’t. [standing] Boo!

Kyle: Ay, what the hell are you doing?

John: Hey, would you stop booing? Don’t you want to show your kid that he could be whatever he wants?

Terence: [pointing at the kid] I don’t know this kid.

John: Oh, sorry. I thought you did.

Terence: All I want is to be able to enjoy the game and boo people just like everybody else.

John: Okay. But why does it have to be the one black player?

Beck: Oh, oh, so it’s okay to boo a white guys?

John: Yes.

Mikey: Wow!

John: Okay, forget I said anything. I’m not racist. Boo whoever you want. I don’t care.

Terence: You just don’t get it. All my life, I’ve been hearing ‘no.’ No, I can’t eat him. No, I can’t play baseball or I’ll have a heart attack. No, I can’t make this marriage work. No, I can’t give you a haircut that will look like Jackie Robinson. And now I can’t even ‘boo?’ I’m leaving! Nice to meet you little boy!

Kyle: Hey, wait. Buddy, what if we all ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson? Together?

Terence: You’d do that for me?

Kyle: Yeah.

Beck: Sure, buddy.

Mikey: Come on, guys.

All: [in loud voice] Boo! Boo! Boo!

Anchor: At the pitch. Swing, and a miss. Robinson seemed a little distracted.

Terence: We did it!

John: Yeah, you suck, Jackie.

Beck: Yeah, go back to the Negro leagues where you belong.

Terence: Hey, easy man. That’s way too much. Who this kid?

 

Talent Show

Devin… Mikey Day

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Principal Rigen… Kenan Thompson

Roberta… Tina Fey

Susan… Melissa Villaseñor

Leslie Jones

Devin… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Devin and Tyler performing in a talent show. They’re both wearing karate gee. Tyler is holding a fort and Devin is about to hit it.]

Devin: Using the raw power of my right hand, I will chop this fort in half.

Tyler: Wait, Devin, what if you hit my chest and my heart stops?

Devin: Good point. Never mind, we withdraw from competition because we are afraid.

[Devin and Tyler bow. Principal Rigen walks in.]

Principal Rigen: Okay. let’s give it up for Devin and Tyler. Ha-ha. [audience clapping] Right. Devin and Tyler. Two 18 old boys terrified by a piece of wood. Ain’t that nice. Ha-ha. Alright now. Up next is Susan Turners performing with her mother’s last PTA majority whip, Roberta Turners.

[Roberta and Susan walk to the stage]

Roberta: Whoo! Hello! Livingston high school, class of 2018, how we doing, Lions? Rawr! Fun. Anyway, I am Roberta.

Susan: I am Scissors.

Roberta: She is Susan.

Susan: Don’t run with me. I’ll poke your eye out.

Roberta: Okay. Spooky! Susan’s going through a bit of a phase. I’m sure all your parents can understand that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No, my son is his own person and I respect his choices.

[Cut to Roberta and Susan]

Roberta: Okay. Wow, you really hung me out to dry there. Well, everybody, we are performing the very same mother-daughter routine that we did at her first grade talent show. [sobbing] Oh, my god. Okay.

Susan: For the record, I wanted to do a different song.

Roberta: Okay. The song choice is final. DJ, hit it.

[music playing] [Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Roberta: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “Where you gonna live your life right?”

Susan: [singing] Well, maybe I just wanna live my life wrong
Bill Gates never went to college, mom!

Roberta: Okay, stop. Susan, can I speak to you in private?

[Principal Rigen walks in]

Principal Rigen: Ha-ha, okay. Alright. Little mother-daughter moment there folks. They’ll be back momentarily. Ah, now, some of y’all might be wondering, “Why is Principal Rigen’s allowing this to continue?” Well, the answer is, Roberta and I have a sexual relationship. And, yeah, the phrase ‘no strings’ was throwing around a lot at the beginning. Yet here I am obligated to assist. Isn’t sex funny like that to y’all?

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No. Sex isn’t funny. It’s beautiful and sacred.

[Cut to the stage]

Principal Rigen: Okay, so you just disagree with everybody? Huh?

[Roberta and Susan walk to stage again]

Roberta: Sorry for the disruption. I think Susan might be a little hermonal.

Susan: Argh!

Roberta: Okay. DJ, hit that track.

[music playing] [Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Susan: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “I can’t drive you to the protest, Susan. I have book club.” Mom?

Roberta: Alright. That’s enough. Okay, Susan, may I have a word with you in the wings please?

Susan: Argh!

[Principal Rigen walks in again]

Principal Rigen: It’s like, you know, one day we just banging, you know? But then the next day, it’s like, “Hey, can you take Susan to school? You already going there, right?” And then it’s like, “Oh, I’m getting groceries now. Alright.” And now I’ma be making a fool out of myself. Well, you know what? Why don’t we just move on to the next act. Give it up for Dylan and his amazing invisible box.

[Devin walks in. He acts like he is putting his hand on the box, then stepping on it. Then he leaves the stage.]

Principal Rigen: Well, I mean the booty is worth it. You know? Like, the booty is worth it, y’all.

[Roberta and Susan walk in]

Roberta: Okay, okay. Now, Susan has generously agreed to cooperate. DJ, play the song.

Susan: Yeah, Brandon, play the song.

[The DJ plays the song “Chop Suey” by System Of A Down.]

Roberta: Oh, Susan, turn this off right this instant.

Susan: [singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: Stop. This is last warning. I’ll call the authorities. [looks at the audience] Everyone’s nodding. I think they love it.

[The audience are doing the headbang]

I think I love it.

Susan: There’s a part where you come in at mom.

Roberta: We’re doing this together?

Susan: Yeah.

[singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: You wanted to

Oh, this song is fun. I like this.

Pervert Hunters

Dana Millbrook… Tina Fey

Beck Bennett

Director… Mikey Day

MUA… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with “Dateline” show video bumper] [Cut to Dana in her studio set]

Dana: I’m Dana Millbrook. Everyday, millions of perverts attempt to buy sex online. It’s a disgusting industry that fuels human trafficking and we’re doing our part to stop it. This is pervert hunters.

[Cut to a guy getting in a kitchen. The video is taken by a hidden camera.]

Dana narrating: This creep thinks he’s meeting a Romanian prostitute name Svetla. Let’s see what happens when he meets me instead.

Guy: Hello? Svetla?

[Dana walks in]

Dana: Hi, there. Why don’t you have a seat?

Guy: Um, wait, who are you?

Dana: We’ll get to that. What’s in the bag?

Guy: Um, none of your business.

Dana: Hmm. [looks through the bag] Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? Hmm. I wonder if they serve jukies in cail– Oh! Crap.

Director: And cut!

Dana: Sorry, cookies in jail. Duh! So sorry.

[Director walks in]

Director: No, no. It’s fine. It’s fine. [meeting Guy] Hi, I’m Mitch. The director.

Guy: A director? What is this?

Dana: Oh, you’re on a pervert show. it’s “Pervert Hunters.”

Guy: Pervert Hunters? The show where they catch online creeps?

Dana: Yeah. You’re the creep we’re catching in this episode.

Guy: Argh!

Director: Yeah. And we need to get that entrance again.

Guy: Oh, god.

Director: Because someone has a big old logo on their shirt. [Guy is wearing Jack Daniel’s shirt] I will have to blurr. Go ahead and just zip up this hoodie.

Guy: Ah! I made a mistake. I didn’t– I won’t do it again. Please.

Director: Oh, my god. I love that energy. I love it. Save that. But let’s get that entrance again and then we can talk about how you’re not guilty. Okay?

Guy: Okay.

Dana: And Mitch, I might change my entrance. I didn’t love it.

Director: Okay. All good. But Dana, what am I going to remind you?

Dana: Get out of my head.

[Guy walks outside with his bag to do the entrance again.]

Director: Thank you. Pervert, whenever you’re ready, okay? Ready, and action!

[Guy walks in.]

Guy: [sobbing] Hello, Svetla.

Director: Cut. Dana, can you–

Dana: Yeah, I’m on it. Pervert, remember. At this point you still think you’re gonna have sex with the prostitute. So, no crying.

Guy: I’m sorry. I’m not like an actor or–

Dana: Oh, you’re doing great.

Guy: Oh, thanks.

Director: Okay. No crying this time, pervert. [Guy walks out again] And action!

[Guy walks in]

Guy: Svetla? Hello?

Director: Perfect.

[Dana walks in]

Dana: Svetla will have to take a rain check. Have a seat.

Guy: Wait. Who are you?

Director: Cut! So, sorry. I just wanna move you so your face is towards camera. Okay. And actually, his face is a little shiny. Can we get some make up?

[Make up artist walks in and does the make up on Guy]

MUA: Oh my god, Mitch! This pervert is sweating a lot.

Guy: Sorry. I–

Director: Well, we’ll just shoot around it, okay? We gotta move. We’re losing light. Okay? And action!

Dana: So, what’s in the bag?

Guy: None of your business. I’m sorry. Can we cut?

Dana: What’s wrong? I thought that was great.

Guy: Well, at this point in the show, I don’t know who you are, right?

Dana: No. Not yet.

Guy: Okay. Then I wanna do that a little differently. Could you give me the line into it?

Dana: Yeah, of course. Maybe do three in a row.

Guy: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Director: And action!

Dana: What’s in the bag?

Guy: [softly] None of your business. [raising voice a little] None of your business. [different voice] None of your business. I just want to give options.

Dana: Yeah. Second one was great. Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? I wonder if they serve cookies in jail. [laughs] Sorry.

Director: Okay, cut.

[Dana and Guy are laughing]

Dana: You know, I’m sorry. I just remembered how I messed it up before. It got me–

Guy: You got me started. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Director: Okay, I love that you guys are having fun. Okay? But we need to get this before our next pervert.

Guy: Right.

Dana: Sorry. Serious. Serious. Okay.

Director: Okay. No giggles this time, you two. And action.

Dana: I wonder if they serve cookies in jail.

Guy: All never do it again. It’s just that, well, I’m a lonely man. And I was weak. I’m sorry.

Dana: Save it for a judge, creep.

Director: And cut! I think we got it. Wow. Pervert, I really felt something there at the end. That’s amazing.

Guy: Thanks. Thank you so much. That ‘save it for the judge’ line. That was amazing.

Dana: No. That was all you. You brought that line out of me.

Director: Well, I think that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[everyone clapping]

Guy: Ha-ah. Stop that. Come on, guys. Thank you so much. Seriously. I’ll be watching.

Dana: Aw, one more time for our pervert.

Director: Yeah.

[everyone clapping]

Guy: Alright, see ya’.

[Guy walks out the door. Two policemen jump on him as soon as he gets out.]

Police: Get on the ground, creep!

Lil’ Rent

Sam Docman… Beck Bennett

Janet V. … Cecily Strong

Lowell Devins… Mikey Day

Shawn Tesler… Kyle Mooney

Nathan Benson

Amy Mary Weather Sherman… Amy Schumer

[Starts with “Wake Up Denver” video bumper] [Cut to Sam in his set]

Sam: Welcome back to “Wake Up Denver’s early bird hour.” I’m Sam Docman. Our field correspondent Janet V. is at the Youth Theater Works Playhouse in Downtown, Denver where a big show is in the works. [Cut to split screen with Sam and Janet] Janet, what’s going on?

Janet: Well, Sam, I’m here at rehearsal with some of Denver’s most talented young Thespians.

Sam: Oh! Thespians rhymes with lesbians. Haba haba.

Janet: I don’t like that. Take him off the split screen.

[Cut to Janet]

The cast in Denver Youth Theater Works Annual Spring Musical is hard at work in their new show. And there’s about 525,600 reasons to see “Lil’ Rent” which opens Thursday. I’m joined now by very busy director, Lowell Devins.

[Janet walks to Lowell]

Lowell: Oh, hi. Sorry. It is a mad house. Hello. We’re in the middle of hell week which is living up to it’s name.

Janet: Lowell, so tell us about the show.

Lowell: Oh, right. Um, “Lil’ Rent” is in a bridged family friendly version of the hit musical about New York city artist living through the HIV AIDS crisis of the late 80s.

Janet: And how does “Lil’ Rent” handle the intense HIV AIDS subject matter with the cast of children?

Lowell: Right. Um, in “Lil’ Rent,” HIV AIDS has changed to diabetes. And it really doesn’t change things at all.

Janet: Really? It’s just that in the original HIV AIDS, that’s what rent’s about. Characters die from it. So, how did you go about changing the original script?

Lowell: Well, I used the ‘Find and Replace’ feature in Microsoft Word and replaced HIV AIDS with diabetes.

Janet: Okay.

Lowell: And I honestly think it’s more powerful this way. You’re gonna love it.

Janet: I don’t know about that. But let’s meet some of the cast here.

[Shawn and Nathan  joins them. Nathan  is a small boy wearing a leather jacket and has a guitar.]

Lowell: Oh, yes. [pointing at Shawn] This is the brilliant Shawn Tesler who plays Mark. [pointing at Nathan ] And you may have seen him in last falls, Lil’ Equis. It is Nathan Benson who plays Rogers.

Janet: Goodness. Oh, okay. I understand you’re gonna be doing a little scene for us?

Shawn: Um, yes, ma’am. This is a scene from act one where my character is singing about his friend Roger who is diabetes positive. And in the late 80s when the show takes place, diabetes was this new sexually transmitted disease that people didn’t know lot about. it was acary.

Nathan : Yeah. Back then, diabetes was basically a death sentence.

Lowell: Yes.

Janet: Well, it wasn’t. But go ahead.

[Janet and Lowell walk out. Lights turn blue and Shawn and Nathan  start performing.]

Shawn: They say diabetes is a gay disease. But Roger got diabetes having sex with his girlfriend. [pointing at Nathan ] [Nathan  starts playing guitar] [singing] Close on Roger, whose girlfriend left him a note saying
“We’ve got diabetes,” before slitting her wrist in the bathroom

Take your insulin, Roger!

[Lowell jumps in]

Lowell: And scene. Very powerful, boys. Ooh!

[Janet walks in. Shawn and Nathan  walk out.]

Janet: Okay, well, let’s meet more of the cast.

Lowell: Yes. [they walk to Amy] This is Amy Mary Weather Sherman, another rising star. She’s incredibly talented and fiercely conservative.

Amy: Yeah, hello. My name is Amy Mary Weather Sherman. [showing seven fingers]  And I am this many years old. My favorite political party is the republicans. And my favorite book is “Liar and Cheat”, how Obama killed the middle class. And also “Amelia Be Dealia Goes Camping.”

Janet: Okay, wow. Lot to take in there. Who are you playing?

Amy: Well, ma’am, I play Mimi Vasquez. She’s a Puerto Rican stripper, a heroin addict, who got diabetes by sharing an infected heroin needle.

Lowell: Alright, remember, we say dancer. Not stripper.

Amy: But she takes her clothes off.

Lowell: Okay. Tell em’ about your Spanish.

Amy: Oh, yes. Okay, so, ma’am, I learned some Spanish play maybe because she only speaks Spanish and I always speak white. But the way you say diabetes in Spanish is diabetos!

Janet: Alright. Well, how about we get to that song?

Lowell: Yes. Amy will be performing an excerpt from her big solo, “Out Tonight.”

[Janet and Lowell walk out]

Amy: This song is about my character is horny and she wants go find somebody have sex with.

[music playing] [singing] Let’s go, aiii, yiiiii, today,
I’m a Puerto Rican stripper
where I wanna go
aiii, yiiiii, today

[Lowell jumps in]

Lowell: And scene. Thank you Amy. [pointing at the camera] You wanna see the rest, you have to buy a ticket.

Amy: [chanting] Lock her up! Lock her up!

Lowell: No, don’t do that. Stop doing that. That’s for home. That’s for hom.

[Janet comes in]

Janet: Alright. You got a cast of talented kids here. “Lil’ Rent” opens Thursday and you can buy tickets online now for $175. My god!

Lowell: Do you think that’s too much?

Janet: Yeah. We’ll be right back.