Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.

Beauty and the Beast | Season 44 Episode 20

Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson

Beauty… Cecily Strong

Beast… Beck Bennett

Dumbbell…Kyle Mooney

Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson

Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor

Chafe… Pete Davidson

Shake weight… Mikey Day

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.

[Cut to a scene from Beauty and the Beast dancing and Mrs. Potts is singing.]

Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time

true as it can be

barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]

Beauty: Just a little change

small to say the least

Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared

[Cut to Beauty, Beast and Mrs. Potts]

Everybody: Beauty and the beast

Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]

Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.

Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?

Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?

Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?

Beauty: Because you’re a beast.

Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight] Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle?

[Cut to Everybody]

Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.

Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.

[cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: The workout song?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No idea what that is.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.

[Music stars playing]

Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell: 

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop.

Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.

[Mrs. Potts joins]

Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.

Beauty: Your son chip?

Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.

[Chafe joins]

Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.

Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?

Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?

Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!

Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?

Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?

Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?

Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.] Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out?

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?

[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.

Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.

[Beauty leaves]

Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.

Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.

Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.

[Chafe leaves]

Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.

[Cut to Swing weight]

Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime

[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]

a thing you can’t unsee

Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk

I brushed against his junk accidentally

[Cut to Everybody]

Barbell: how would they even mate

strange to say the least

Beast: Don goes in the spout

baby cup comes out

teapot and the beast