Lance… Daniel Craig
Cecily Strong
Angelo… Aristotle Athari
Todd… Rami Malek
[Starts with Lance and Cecily sitting at a table to watch a show by Angelo]Cecily: I can’t believe we’re here. My friends have been trying to get tickets or months. How did you get them?
Lance: Well, let’s just say, baby, I know the right people and I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this.
Cecily: Well, however you did it, you made my year. I can’t believe we’re gonna see Angelo.
Lance: Yeah. I’ve never heard of him, but I know you’re dying to see him. So, let’s just–
Cecily: Because he’s amazing. The review in the Times said “He takes you on his spectacular musical journey”. Apparently, like, all he needs is one word and songs just flow out of him.
Lance: Right. One word?
Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.
[Angelo is sitting legs crossed on a stool on stage]Angelo: Hello, everybody. Can I get a one word please.
Cecily: [to Lance] Go ahead, Lance.
Lance: Oh, okay. Um, bicycle.
Angelo: Say for me?
Lance: Bicycle.
Angelo: Um, say– Say for me?
Lance: [slowly and loudly] Bicycle.
Angelo: Bar-far-bas. [music starts playing]
[singing] If I lie to me like this
[gibberish] like that
if I ever said [gibberish] tonight
Thank you for this.
[cheers and applause]Cecily: I mean, can you believer he just created that beautiful song on the spot?
Lance: I guess. I mean, I didn’t hear him singing about bicycles but–
Cecily: Shh! Here we go.
Angelo: Can I get another word please?
Cecily: Go ahead, Lance, do it.
Lance: What? Me again?
Cecily: He has one. Yeah.
Lance: Okay. Let’s see. Um, a banana.
Angelo: Say for me?
Lance: Banana.
Angelo: Say– Say for me?
Lance: [slowly and loudly] Banana.
Angelo: Barfa-bala-vas.
Lance: No. That’s not what I said.
Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like that for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say that like this for me tonight
Thank you so much for this.
[cheers and applause]Lance: So, is this always what he does?
Cecily: I know. It’s amazing. Right?
Lance: I mean, I can’t really understand him.
Cecily: Because he’s not from this country, Lance.
Lance: Well, I’m not from this country and you understand me.
Cecily: No, I don’t.
Angelo: And now I bring dance for this.
[A guy awkwardly walks in]Cecily: Oh my god, it’s Todd.
Lance: Who’s Todd?
Cecily: I read about him. He’s what’s next in dance.
Lance: Uh-huh.
[Angelo and Todd awkwardly talking to each other]Angelo: Tell them to get one word for dance.
Todd: Yes. Yes. Just one word.
Angelo: Please.
Todd: One word.
[Cecily is looking at Lance]Lance: Me again? Um, alright. Um, road trip.
Angelo and Todd: Say for us?
Lance: Road trip.
Angelo and Todd: Say for us?
Lance: Oh, come on! [shouting] Road trip!
Angelo and Todd: Ros-Paresca.
Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like to sing this for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say to me like that tonight
Dance please.
[Todd is just awkwardly moving right and left]Thank you for this.
[cheers and applause]Cecily: Tell me. Angelo and Todd on our first night. All the stars have aligned for us.
Lance: Are you sure? I mean, Todd seems a little bit nervous.
Cecily: Lance, they’re telling their story.
Lance: Right! Right!
Cecily: It’s about coming here from a war torn country.
Lance: Where are you getting that? I didn’t get anything. What country?
Angelo: Country, um, Marca-ka-pa-be-sa.
Lance: Alright, you know, that’s not a real place.
Cecily: Hey, we talked about this.
Lance: Alright.
Cecily: We need to go into the new situations with an open heart.
Lance: Yeah, I’m trying. I’m just, you know.
Angelo: Another word for once.
Todd: One word.
Lance: Alright. You know what? Fine. Fine! Fine! Try this. Mesothelioma.
Angelo and Todd: Mesothelioma.
Lance: Well, I– Yeah, they got it. That’s quite impressive I suppose.
Cecily: Why? Why is that impressive, Lance?
Lance: Well, I–
[Todd has two ribbons on his both arms now]Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing lie to me in this life [gibberish]
if I never say like this night tonight
Lance: Wow, now he’s got ribbons. Ribbons. That’s– I mean, that’s beautiful with the ribbons.
Angelo: [singing] I wanna know what love is
Angelo and Todd: I want you to show me [gibberish]
Lance: That’s good. That’s good. Ladies and gentlemen, Angelo and Todd.