Tag: Lance…

Angelo

Lance… Daniel Craig

Cecily Strong

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Todd… Rami Malek

[Starts with Lance and Cecily sitting at a table to watch a show by Angelo]

Cecily: I can’t believe we’re here. My friends have been trying to get tickets or months. How did you get them?

Lance: Well, let’s just say, baby, I know the right people and I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this.

Cecily: Well, however you did it, you made my year. I can’t believe we’re gonna see Angelo.

Lance: Yeah. I’ve never heard of him, but I know you’re dying to see him. So, let’s just–

Cecily: Because he’s amazing. The review in the Times said “He takes you on his spectacular musical journey”. Apparently, like, all he needs is one word and songs just flow out of him.

Lance: Right. One word?

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Angelo is sitting legs crossed on a stool on stage]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Can I get a one word please.

Cecily: [to Lance] Go ahead, Lance.

Lance: Oh, okay. Um, bicycle.

Angelo: Say for me?

Lance: Bicycle.

Angelo: Um, say– Say for me?

Lance: [slowly and loudly] Bicycle.

Angelo: Bar-far-bas. [music starts playing] [singing] If I lie to me like this
[gibberish] like that
if I ever said [gibberish] tonight

Thank you for this.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I mean, can you believer he just created that beautiful song on the spot?

Lance: I guess. I mean, I didn’t hear him singing about bicycles but–

Cecily: Shh! Here we go.

Angelo: Can I get another word please?

Cecily: Go ahead, Lance, do it.

Lance: What? Me again?

Cecily: He has one. Yeah.

Lance: Okay. Let’s see. Um, a banana.

Angelo: Say for me?

Lance: Banana.

Angelo: Say– Say for me?

Lance: [slowly and loudly] Banana.

Angelo: Barfa-bala-vas.

Lance: No. That’s not what I said.

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like that for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say that like this for me tonight

Thank you so much for this.

[cheers and applause]

Lance: So, is this always what he does?

Cecily: I know. It’s amazing. Right?

Lance: I mean, I can’t really understand him.

Cecily: Because he’s not from this country, Lance.

Lance: Well, I’m not from this country and you understand me.

Cecily: No, I don’t.

Angelo: And now I bring dance for this.

[A guy awkwardly walks in]

Cecily: Oh my god, it’s Todd.

Lance: Who’s Todd?

Cecily: I read about him. He’s what’s next in dance.

Lance: Uh-huh.

[Angelo and Todd awkwardly talking to each other]

Angelo: Tell them to get one word for dance.

Todd: Yes. Yes. Just one word.

Angelo: Please.

Todd: One word.

[Cecily is looking at Lance]

Lance: Me again? Um, alright. Um, road trip.

Angelo and Todd: Say for us?

Lance: Road trip.

Angelo and Todd: Say for us?

Lance: Oh, come on! [shouting] Road trip!

Angelo and Todd: Ros-Paresca.

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like to sing this for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say to me like that tonight

Dance please.

[Todd is just awkwardly moving right and left]

Thank you for this.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: Tell me. Angelo and Todd on our first night. All the stars have aligned for us.

Lance: Are you sure? I mean, Todd seems a little bit nervous.

Cecily: Lance, they’re telling their story.

Lance: Right! Right!

Cecily: It’s about coming here from a war torn country.

Lance: Where are you getting that? I didn’t get anything. What country?

Angelo: Country, um, Marca-ka-pa-be-sa.

Lance: Alright, you know, that’s not a real place.

Cecily: Hey, we talked about this.

Lance: Alright.

Cecily: We need to go into the new situations with an open heart.

Lance: Yeah, I’m trying. I’m just, you know.

Angelo: Another word for once.

Todd: One word.

Lance: Alright. You know what? Fine. Fine! Fine! Try this. Mesothelioma.

Angelo and Todd: Mesothelioma.

Lance: Well, I– Yeah, they got it. That’s quite impressive I suppose.

Cecily: Why? Why is that impressive, Lance?

Lance: Well, I–

[Todd has two ribbons on his both arms now]

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing lie to me in this life [gibberish]
if I never say like this night tonight

Lance: Wow, now he’s got ribbons. Ribbons. That’s– I mean, that’s beautiful with the ribbons.

Angelo: [singing] I wanna know what love is

Angelo and Todd: I want you to show me [gibberish]

Lance: That’s good. That’s good. Ladies and gentlemen, Angelo and Todd.

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office] [Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.