Cecily Strong
Kate McKinnon
Doug… Kevin Hart
Lao… Pete Davidson
Beck Bennett
Leslie Jones
[Starts with offie staff having a meeting]
Cecily: And as you can see, our third quarter revenue was down almost 5% but our online sales in the past few weeks suggest a lot of upside. Any thoughts?
[Kate raising hand]
Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say I think there’s a huge opportunity to expand further into the biotech sector. That’s where we’ve seen the biggest growth.
[Doug interrupting. He is holding his phone.]
Doug: [on the phone] Hello? What? What is that? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Okay. Are you serious? Are you se– Oh, my god! How’s home? Alright. I’ll– I’ll be right there. Oh, my god! Okay. Alright, I’m coming now. [Doug stands] Oh, my god. Guys, I’m so sorry. Something just came up. I gotta run. Yeah. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
Cecily: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Um, yeah.
Cecily: Doug, it’s okay.
Doug: What is?
Cecily: Doug, you don’t have to keep doing this. You can just use the bathroom.
Doug: Excuse me?
Kate: Doug, every time we have a meeting after lunch, you loudly take a phone call and you fake some kind of emergency. It’s clearly coz you have to use the bathroom.
Lao: Yeah. It always sounds like a family emergency, but then you’re back in like, 8 minutes.
Doug: Oh. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my family emergencies only take 8 minutes. You know what? I guess next time I’ll tell my family to be in more trouble, Lao.
Cecily: Doug. Just go to the bathroom.
Doug: No. No. No. Because I don’t have to go to the bathroom. No. You know what? I had to deal with something urgent regarding the loved one, but forget it. Work is more important. They can just suffer. Please continue.
Cecily: Okay. Fine. Anyone else wanna weigh in on the biotech side?
[Doug is biting his fingers having a hard time not going to the toilet. He is making funny faces.]
Beck: Yeah. I get that we’ve made huge strides in biotech, but most of that comes from a single patent that expires in two years. And two other points, we have very little cash to invest.
Doug: [squeaky voice] Ahhh!
Beck: And the overhead for the laboratory is much higher.
[Doug is banging the table.]
Cecily: Doug, you disagree?
Doug: Uh-huh.
Cecily: Lao, thoughts?
Lao: I don’t know. I still think pharmaceuticals are bread and butter. So… [Doug is stomping his feet and making noises. Lao looks at Doug.] I mean, I don’t know–
Doug: [Doug acts like he’s on the phone again.][interrupting] What’s that? What? Oh, my god! You tell me it’s more urgent now? Yeah. But I can’t. I can’t just leave work. Okay? I don’t care how many stairs you fell down, Nana.
Cecily: Doug.
Doug: Stop! Stop! What’s that? What? You think. You think you can just meet me at work on the 5th floor where where it’s totally empty but the bathroom still works? Okay. Alright, hang in there, Nana. [Doug puts down the phone] Guys, I just got a call.
Lao: Okay. We know you got a call.
Doug: Yeah. You know what? My Nana is really sick.
Leslie: You said she fell down the stairs.
Doug: Yeah. And she’s sick of it. She’s sick of falling down the stairs.
Cecily: Doug. Doug, just go to the bathroom.
Doug: I’m sorry, what? What did you say?
Kate: Doug, just go to the bathroom. You’re visibly sweating, Doug.
Doug: You know what? I resent these accusations. I really do. If you don’t believe that my Nana needs me very urgently in the 5th floor bathroom so we can have ourselves a private family conversation for about 8 to fifteen minutes, then forget it. Forget it. I’ll stay. You win. Please. Proceed. [Doug takes the seat, and when he does, he farts loudly.]
Cecily: Um, hey Doug.
[Doug is all sweating.]
Doug: Yeah.
Cecily: Doug. Um, did you just S your Ps?
Doug: Probably not.
Kate: Oh, Doug, Doug.
Lao: [loudly] Ring, right. [Lao takes his phone] Oh, hey, Doug, it’s for you, man. It’s your Nana.
Doug: It’s Nana?
[Lao nods his head yes]
Kate: [also holding her phone] Yeah. Doug, she called me too. She said it’s emergency
Doug: An emergency?
Beck: [Beck is just putting his hand on his ear]Yeah. She said to meet her on the 5th floor bathroom. And there’s a shower there too. Just FYI.
Leslie: [Leslie is also just putting her hand on her ear] And she also said to tell you that a J. Crew is in the lobby, so underwear.
Doug: Oh, man. I mean, it’s weird that she would even say all that, but okay. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I better go deal with this for my Nana. Excuse me.
[Doug takes one step at a time to move to the door and out.]
Cecily: He’s in the elevator. Okay. I think we can continue now.
[Lao puts the phone to his ear]
Lao: Hello? Oh, my god, Nana?
Leslie: Just go to the bathroom, Lao.