Cars 4

Owen Wilson

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Larry… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Owen Wilson in Pixar production studio]

Mikey: There he is, Owen freaking Wilson. Bring it in!

Owen Wilson: Alright. Time to make the donuts.

Punkie: Baking that again, baby.

Owen Wilson: Yea.

Mikey: Dude, by the way, Loki? You crushed it, dude. I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear it’s amazing.

Owen Wilson: Yea, I’m proud of it. But hey, this is exciting too. Cars 4. I didn’t even know they were planning to do another one.

Mikey: Yea, Pixar is keeping it pretty quiet. I haven’t even seen a full script yet. They’re just sending over little chunks of dialogs so the animators can start working. So that is what we’ll be recording today.

Owen Wilson: Great. Okay. I’m gonna hop in the booth. Let’s do this. Hey, Kachow! Right?

Mikey: Kachow! There it is.

[Owen Wilson walks into the voiceover recording booth]

Kachow!

Owen Wilson: Let me get this on. [puts on the headset]

Mikey: Whenever you’re ready, O-Town.

Owen Wilson: Here we go.

Punkie: Rolling!

Owen Wilson: “Radiator springs, here I come!”

Mikey: Perfect. Moving on.

Owen Wilson: “Return to racing, you bet I can still win the piston cup.”

Mikey: Amazing. Next.

Owen Wilson: “Back off, Jack off– Back off, Jack ass. I wasn’t looking at your wife!”

Mikey: Nailed it. Next.

Owen Wilson: “I am Speed. Kachow!”

Mikey: Love it.

Owen Wilson: “Calm down, Jerk-Off! I didn’t touch your daughter. She was coming on to me.” Hey, can we stop?

Mikey: Yeah. What’s wrong? O, That was feeling really, really good.

Punkie: Yeah, so good. You’re killing it O.

Owen Wilson: Thanks. But I’m just a little thrown by a few lines in there. I mean, what exactly is going on in this movie?

Mikey: You know, again, I haven’t seen a full script. But you wanna keep going? Cool? Time for three?

Owen Wilson: Okay.

Punkie: On you, O.

Owen Wilson: Here we go. “Kachow!”

Mikey: Yeah, perfect. Next line?

Owen Wilson: “Grow up, man. Your sister sure did!”

Mikey: Good, good. Moving on.

Owen Wilson: “So, what college do you girls go to? Oh! You’re in high school? Could have fooled me.”

Mikey: Perfect. Dude, you’re crushing it. Moving on.

Owen Wilson: “Winning the piston cup could save this whole town. And I can’t race because of one bad date? This is a witch hunt, your honor.” Wait, guys. He’s in court?

Mikey: Yeah. What’s the iss, O?

Owen Wilson: Well, the iss is I think Lightening McQueen is the bad guy in this.

Mikey: No. No. [asking Punkie] Right?

Punkie: No.

Owen Wilson: Okay. Well, it just feels like there’s a lot of him creeping on girl cars and arguing with their dads and husbands and stuff. It’s a real departure for the character.

Mikey: Umm, interesting. You know what? Why don’t we get Larry in here? Might feel a little better to have someone to do your lines with?

Punkie: Yeah, let’s get Larry the cable guy. Flying in.

[Larry walks in]

Larry: Hey.

Owen Wilson: Hey, Larry. Come on in.

Larry: Hey man, excited to do this. Alright, let’s do this, man.

Mikey: Okay. Lar, let’s take it from your line on the top of five there.

Larry: “Woo-hoo! He’s my best friend, Lightening!”

Owen Wilson: “Thanks, Mater. You’re mine too.”

Larry: “That’s why I was so upset when I heard you was calling me an ‘R’ word.”

Owen Wilson: Okay, let’s stop. Let’s stop. He’s calling Mater the ‘R’ word now? Guys, that’s horrible.

Mikey: Oh, no, no. The ‘R’ word is rusty, I think. Because Mater is rusty.

Owen Wilson: Okay.

Larry: “Hey, you didn’t call me rusty, did you Lightening?”

Owen Wilson: “No. Stop being such a re–” No! Guys! I mean, I see the actual ‘R’ word right here and I’m not gonna say it.

Mikey: All good, O. If you’re not gonna say it, then skip the next 10 lines and go to the top of 15.

Larry: “Whoo, you did it, Lightning! You done won the Piston cup.”

Owen Wilson: “Ha-ha! Yeah! Kachow!”

Larry: “Hey! What are you doing, Lightening? That’s my sister, buddy.”

Owen Wilson: “Not tonight, Mater.”

Larry: “Hey, come on, Lightening. Why her?”

Owen Wilson: “Power!” Come on! Guys, I’m not doing this. It’s not happening. It’s a complete betrayal of a beloved character and I don’t want any part of it.

Mikey: Really? Because they just sent over your contract. You might want to take a look at it.

Owen Wilson: Well, it’s not about the money. [looks at the contract] And that’s just for this?

Mikey: [nodding] Um-hmm. Disney had a very good year.

Owen Wilson: Okay. Well, come on. This thing’s not gonna record itself. Let’s go. Kachow!

 

Election Night

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Dave Chapelle

Larry… Chris Rock

[Starts with a group of people watching the Election Night on TV]

Announcer: This is election night in America. [marking Tuesday AT 6 PM]

Vanessa: I can’t believe after all this, it’s gonna finally be over.

Beck: I don’t know. We’ll see. Trump’s already got lawyers to fight the results.

Aidy: Okay, don’t even joke about that. Or I will leave. [giggling]

Cecily: Guys, we’re about to have our first woman president. Like, this is gonna be a historic night.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, it might be a historic night but just don’t forget it’s a big country.

[Time marking 6:thirty PM]

Cecily: My friend at the Huffington Post said she wins by five points.

Vanessa: Oh, I don’t know, my friend at Slate says she’ll win by three.

Aidy: Oh, well, she’ll definitely win the electoral college, fur sure, but I guess there is like a nightmare scenario where he wins the popular vote.

[Dave looks nervous by that news]

Dave: Really? That’s the nightmare scenario, huh?

Beck: Because of shifting demographics, there might never be another republican president in this country.

Dave: Word? You’ve ever been around this country before?

[Time marking 7 PM]

Male voice: We project Kentucky will go to Donald Trump.

Beck: Yeah, well, of course he won Kentucky. I mean, that’s where all the racists are.

[Dave is looking at Beck]

Dave: All of them are in Kentucky?

Vanessa: You know, she got Vermont.

Dave: [screaming] Oh, shit! Vermont? Three electoral votes? Now that’s power grab.

[time marking 7:thirty PM]

Cecily: Okay, this says, “Florida is too close to call.”

Aidy: Okay, no, no, it says, “Too early to call.” There’s only % in.

Beck: You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Florida is going blue. To Latinos!

All (except Dave): To Latinos.

[Dave looks confused]

[Time marking 8 PM]

Beck: Well, of course he’s gonna win Ohio. We knew that. But if we can get Pennsylvania, Florida and North Carolina, we don’t even need Ohio.

Dave: Then, if the Indians scored four more runs, they would have won the world series too, dude.

Vanessa: I’m gonna grab a xanax from the bedroom.

Aidy: Okay, grab me 6.

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m just gonna bring the whole bottle. How’s that?

[Time marking 8:thirty PM]

Beck: Look, early returns are always going to be republican because republicans go to sleep early. It’s just a fact.

Vanessa: I just talked to my brother in law at CBS, he says Trump’s gonna win Florida.

Dave: Word, um, I guess the Latinos didn’t hear about your toast.

[Time marking 10 PM]

[Larry walks in]

Larry: Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Aidy: Larry, Trump might actually win.

Larry: I mean, of course. What re you talking about?

Dave: I tried to tell them there.

Cecily: What is happening? Why are women even voting for him?

Larry: Yeah, I don’t get you ladies. I mean, the country is 55% women. I mean, if the country was 55% black, we’d have tons of black presidents. Flavor Flav would be a president.

[Time marking 11 PM]

Vanessa: Okay, um, all she has to do is come back and win Wisconsin, come back and win Michigan, come back and win Pennsylvania.

Cecily: Some of the counties– The urban counties– they’re so– Black people vote late.

Larry: Yeah, let’s hope there’s 100,000 of us in Green Bay. Those brothers love the packers.

[Time marking 12 AM]

Beck: You never know, guys. Alaska is still out there.

Male voice: We’re now calling Alaska for Donald Trump.

Cecily: Oh my god! I think America is racist.

Dave: Oh… my… god! [acting surprised] You know, I remember my great grandfather told me something like that. But you know, he was like a slave, or something.

Aidy: I just– I can’t believe it. Like, why aren’t people turning out for Hillary the way they did for Barack Obama?

Larry: I mean, maybe because you’re replacing a charismatic 40 year old black guy with a 70 year old white woman. I mean, that’s like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Niel Patrick Harris.

[Time marking 2 AM]

Male voice: And Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States.

Dave: Hey, you guys were right. It’s a historic night. Don’t worry about, 8 years are gonna fly by.

Larry: Yeah, don’t worry. It’s gonna be all white.

[Dave laughing]

Aidy: What about undocumented immigrants?

Dave: Oh, they’re not going nowhere. Come on! You act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries.

Cecily: This is crazy. I mean, do you even know what it’s like to be a woman in this country where you can’t get ahead no matter what you do.

Dave: Oh, geez. I don’t know. I’ll put my thinking cap on for that one and get back to you.

Larry: Ha-ha. Now, come on, guys. Get some rest. You got a lot of big day. You got a big day of moping and writing on Facebook tomorrow.

Beck: God! This is the most shameful thing America has ever done.

[Dave and Larry look at each other and laugh out loud]