Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mandalay Bay hotel, Las Vegas at left top corner.]
The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 if anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away because everyone agrees that’s insane. Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year and that didn’t set any kind of alert? If I buy $100 worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, “Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud.” How was no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean, who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, “No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn karate or use your words.” I’m sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It’s not true. 78% of Americans don’t even own a gun. and 3% of Americans own 50% of all guns in the country. That’s the problem. That whiny 3% that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buy-back program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. That’s fair. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches. And if women want to trade in their guns, don’t. Keep your guns, because you’re probably going to need them to fight all of those men in spandex fighting to show off their brand-new eight inch penises.[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]
of the house, Paul Ryan said that he wants congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. [Picture changes to a briefcase filled with money] We have got to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the second amendment. I know you think you need your gun to protect you from the government. I have noticed the people that bring up the second amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, “Respect law enforcement. Support the troops.” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think the same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, “I love my wife. I trust my wife. But I swear to god, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In other news, president Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week. And let’s just say, problem solved.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump throwing toilet papers to the public] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Nothing says “I understand the gravity of the situation” like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, you know I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Phanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big old butt around.[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions.]
Meanwhile, attorney general Jeff Sessions is no ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly, Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the second amendment to protect guns. The next day, Trump will be tossing guns into the ocean like paper towels.[Michael Che laughing]