Tag: Last

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.

Digital Exclusive- The Last Dance

David Aldridge… Chris Redd

Steve Kerr… Mikey Day

Kim Jong-Un… Bowen Yang

Andrea Kremer… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with short clips from Michael Jordan documentary The Last Dance’]

Steve Kerr: Things were getting tensed.

David Aldridge: This wasn’t basketball. This was war.

Andrea Kremer: The fairytale was coming to an end.

David Aldridge: Everything Michael Jordan did turned to a story.

[Cut to a video with a message ‘Now everyone has something to say’.] [Cut to Kim Jong-Un]

Kim Jong-Un: [looking at his mic] This thing on?

[Cut to ‘The Last Dance’ video bumper]

Andrea Kremer: At this point, the Bulls had won five championships in seven years.

Steve Kerr: In 95 and 96, we won 72 games. The next year, we won 69 games. We were unstoppable.

David Aldridge: There’s absolutely no way you could talk about the greatest teams of all time and not mention the Chicago Bulls.

Kim Jong-Un: Nobody likes 90s Bulls more than me. I freaking love that team.

Steve Kerr: Really, there was just one person standing in our way. Jerry Krause.

Andrea Kremer: So, Bulls general manager Jerry Krause announced that this would be the last season for coach Phil Jackson, effectively breaking up the greatest team of all time.

David Aldridge: Jerry had a little man problem. He grew up a little fat kid. He didn’t have a lot of money. He was always the underdog.

Kim Jong-Un: He’s like I always say, never trust a fat little weirdos who make it all about themselves.

David Aldridge: Krause was quoted saying, “Players don’t win championships. Organizations do.”

Kim Jong-Un: What? That’s like saying democracy is better than dictatorship. That’s the kind of talk that get you poisoned, bro.

Steve Kerr: We were a family. And like all families, we had our problems.

Andrea Kremer: In the middle of the season, Dennis Rodman goes to Phil Jackson and says he needs a vacation.

Steve Kerr: Boom. We don’t hear or see Dennis for 48 hours.

Kim Jong-Un: Nobody knows where this guy is. Is he in Vegas? Is he having heart surgery? Is he gravely ill? Is he already dead?

Steve Kerr: Dennis was a great team mate, but frankly his behavior was bizarre.

Andrea Kremer: The hair, the tattoos, the eccentric clothes.

Kim Jong-Un: I told him don’t over think it, if you want to look cool, just wear exact same clothes as your dad everyday for the rest of your life.

[Next Week]

Steve Kerr: Game five of the 97 finals.

Andrea Kremer: And Michael Jordan has the flu.

Kim Jong-Un: A flu? Boo! That’s not a thing. You want to know what I have? Hypertension, diabetes, a lymph, obesity, smoker’s cough, heart problems and coronavirus. I’m feeling just fine. Da’ Bulls. Am I saying that right? Okay. Da’ Bulls.

Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks] [Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating] [to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.] [Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]

The Last Black Unicorn

Maureen… Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Black Unicorn… Tiffany Haddish

Old Black Unicorn… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a opening of the book ‘The Last Black Unicorn’]

Male voice: Once upon a time, the world was filled with magical creatures. The noblest among them were the black unicorns who possessed the ability to see through time. But now, with magic having all but left our world, only one remains.

[Cut to Maureen, Melissa and Beck looking around in the magical world]

Maureen: So, according to this map, this is the home of the last black unicorn.

Melissa: Oh, come on, Maureen. No one believes in unicorns anymore.

Beck: Yeah, Maureen, don’t be so naive.

[Black Unicorn runs out making horse noises]

Beck: Whoa! She is real!

Maureen: I told you.

Black Unicorn: I’m the last black unicorn. And with my magical horn, I can unveil the mysteries of the future.

Melissa: Whoa. You can see the future?

Black Unicorn: Hmm. [horse noises]

Beck: Mrs. Black Unicorn, I got to know. Will me and my girl stay together forever? [referring to Beck and Melissa]

Black Unicorn: Hmm, yes. I can see that the two of you will marry and live a long and happy life together.

Beck: Heck, yeah, babe. I friggin love you.

Maureen: Wow, what about me? Will I ever find true love?

Black Unicorn: Umm. Yes. I see you marrying the love of your life many years from now.

Maureen: Yes! I knew it.

Black Unicorn: I see you walking down the aisle. Your mother is crying. Your father is beaming. And all five of your children are there with their five different fathers.

Maureen: Wait. I’m sorry. I have five kids before I’m even married?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. I mean, when you get to college, you start throwing down.

Maureen: Oh, really?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. For few years, you are just conceiving and birthing and back to back and back to back. I mean, if you ain’t getting it in, you getting it out, if you know what I mean.

Beck: Oh, gross.

Maureen: Well, what about dads? Are they at least good fathers?

Black Unicorn: Oh, absolutely they are not. One of them is actually a red headed white guy with dread locks that look like Cheetos.

Maureen: God! That sounds terrible.

Melissa: Well, what about us? Will we ever have kids?

Black Unicorn: Um, yes. In your future, I see two wonderful children. Your daughter is a talented musician and your son is a gifted painter. [To Maureen] And your son, well, he also is involved with paint. Um-hmm.

Maureen: Well, how so?

Black Unicorn: He’s huffing it.

Maureen: So my son does drugs?

Black Unicorn: Yes. But on the bright side, your daughter sells drugs.

Maureen: Oh my god! Do all my kids have drug problems?

Black Unicorn: No. Actually one of your sons is sober. But he is like, the worst.

Maureen: How?

Black Unicorn: Well, he is just always mad. He’s like that really angry white kid you graduate with who joins the army and you are like, “Good luck, army.”

Beck: Man, your son sucks.

[Another black unicorn walks out]

Old Black Unicorn: Whoa, whoa. Now, why are you telling this little girl all these horrible things?

Beck: Hey, I thought you said you were the last black unicorn.

Black Unicorn: Well, she’s older than me.

Old Black Unicorn: Little girl, look, life is always going to have it’s struggles. But I can see there is still plenty of good in your future.

Maureen: Like, what kind of good?

Old Black Unicorn: Well, for example, I see you living in a beautiful apartment.

Black Unicorn: Yeah, because your house gets foreclosed on.

Old Black Unicorn: Okay, yeah. But you also get to travel the country.

Black Unicorn: On the run from FBI with your drug lord daughter.

Maureen: You know, I don’t really need to hear anymore.

Old Black Unicorn: Wait, wait. hang on. What if I told you that in the end of you retire to a secluded island?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, rikers.

Maureen: My life sucks.

Old Black Unicorn: Look, life is what you make it. If you say it sucks, it will.

Maureen: Okay. So, what you’re saying is that if I’m just true to myself, I might be able to escape my terrible destiny?

Old Black Unicorn: Oh, no. All that stuff is still going to happen. You just need to stop whining about it.

Black Unicorn: Yeah. And I didn’t even told you half the stuff. How much time you got? [horse noises]