Tag: Laura

Jewish Elvis

Bert… Bowen Yang

Jewish Elvis… Sarah Sherman

Lois… Austin Butler

Cecily Strong

Laura… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with audience talking in a show. Most of them are elderly women.]

Cecily: Okay, these are very good seats.

Laura: I mean, very good seats.

Chloe: Wow grandma, I didn’t realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean this is fantastic.

Cecily: Oh no. The Oasis has it all. A nightclub.

Laura: A sauna.

Cecily: Carpeted bathroom.

Laura: Carpeted locker rooms.

Cecily: And a steakhouse where everything is well done. Except the service.

Chloe: Grandma, what’s wrong with Lois?

Lois: Oh my god, he’s here it’s in the building. Oh my freaking god. It’s really happening.

Laura: She’s just excited for the show.

Cecily: Well, Laura, we all are. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kick things off with a bang.

Chloe: I don’t understand. Who are you also excited to see?

Lois: Oh, oh, there he is. There he is.

All: Oh my god, it’s Jewish Elvis. Ah!

[Jewish Elvis is dancing and the audience are cheering for him]

Lois: Oh my god.

Jewish Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Can somebody turn up the AC? I’m schimtzing like a friggin hound dog up here. Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s Viva Las Vegas.

Lois: Oh my god, I’m so horny. I’m gonna friggin explode.

Chloe: I’m sorry. I don’t get it.

Cecily: Yes, I can explain. He’s Jewish Elvis.

Chloe: Right. But…

Cecily: Quiet. He’s back to sing.

Jewish Elvis: Wise men say
Who is wise men? 
Why are they so wise?
only fools rush in
what’s the rush?
everybody just relax
I can’t help
I could help,
I don’t want to
I’m tired
my back hurts
I can’t help ordering a diet coke
at every restaurant I go to

Lois: Oh, he sings like a freaking angel. Oh my god.

Chloe: I mean it’s a little bit of singing but it’s mostly complaining.

Laura: Yeah, he’s Jewish Elvis. Hello! Are you stupid?

[Jewish Elvis starts dancing]

Jewish Elvis: Everybody wants me to do my moves.

Cecily: Oh my god. Yes, please.

Lois: I’m like Niagara Falls over him. My chair is gonna friggin drown. [pulls out her underwear] Oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. Ruin me. [throws her underwear to the stage]

Jewish Elvis: Oh, gross. No, thank you. I think you everything bangles got a little too much cream cheese on it. You know what I’m saying?

Laura: This is the best night of my life.

Chloe: Night? It is 4:30 in the afternoon.

Jewish Elvis: My God, I got she was no I got schmutz all over my suit. Was no one gonna tell me I got schmutz all over my friggin suit? I mean, what is this? Mustard? I’m walking around like a goofball with mustard on my friggin little scarf? I mean, oh my god this is a zizzaster.

Chloe: Did he just say zizzaster?

Lois: It’s his famous catchphrase. Whooo!

Bert: All right, hello. Sorry everyone. I’m Bert the director of the retirement home.

Cecily: No! Get your fat ass of the stage.

Lois: You are blocking Jewish Elvis. You fat a-hole.

Bert: Ladies, calm down. Apparently somebody broke the toilet in the handicapped stall. [Jewish Elvis slowly walks out of the stage] It’s completely flooded and covered and blue rhinestones. Witnesses said there was a man inside screaming “Oh no, it won’t go down. This is zizzaster.” Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say?

Jewish Elvis: Yeah. Hey, what are you gonna do? Viva Las Vegas.

Cecily: Get off the stage. Fat sub.

Chloe: Wait guys, where is Lois?

Cecily: I don’t know. Oh my god. She’s on the stage.

[Lois is on the stage with Jewish Elvis]

Jewish Elvis: Sing it with me, mommy.

My stomach hurts
sing it with me

Lois: I got a bad cramp

Jewish Elvis: I love you. Together.

Both: I think I accidentally had dairy
all together y’all
All: We can’t go on together
with delicious cheese
we all got diarrhea
from delicious cheese

Jewish Elvis: Happy blue Hanukkah everyone. From all of us and Jewish Elvis.

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.