Ingraham Angle Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Novak Djokovic… Pete Davidson

Candace Owens… Ego Nwodim

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with ‘The Ingraham Angle’ intro]

[cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening. I’m Laura Ingraham. And as soon as I marry your dad, I’m sending you straight to boarding school. Well, we’re finally done with year one of Biden’s presidency. And can we all admit it’s a disaster? Inflation’s out of control. Gas is at $19 a gallon. And the green m&m has been canceled just from being a whore. Things are so bad in Biden’s America, even according to former Wendy’s books girl Jen socket. Take a look at what she said at a press conference this week.

[Cut to the video clip of media person asking question to Jen Psaki]

Media person: Build Back Better has not passed. Voting rights apparently not going to pass. And vaccine requirements are apparently illegal. What happened?

[Cut to a video made by joining many clips of Jen Psaki speaking different words to make them sentences]

Jen Psaki: We are not good people. The American public should vote us out.

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: First true thing she’s ever said. Plus, the nation is still mourning from the sudden loss of America’s dad, Robert Durst. The country is on its last legs folks. Liberals want to take away everything that makes you American. For example, guns, hamburgers, Morgan Wallen. I don’t care if you use as a slur, I just want to dance. Your backup guns. Commercial where the whole family is the same thing. Using the word mayonnaise. It’s aioli all of a sudden? No thanks, Linman Will. And finally, missionary. My first guest tonight is here to talk about how he’s pushing back against Biden’s tyranny. You know him, you know him. Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Hello, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: Beard still going strong, huh Ted?

Ted Cruz: Oh, yeah. My beard is like January 6. Shocking at first, but sadly it’s been normalized.

Laura Ingraham: Speaking of January 6, now, you recently had to apologize for calling the Capitol rioters terrorists.

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I agree with you. 100%. I never should have called them terrorists. The truth is they are big burly men with big D energy. I like them a lot. I mean, they’re my cool friends. And Donald, if you’re watching, I love your baby. You are the king, honestly. Hit me.

Laura Ingraham: Did you just asked Trump to hit you?

Ted Cruz:  Oh, I don’t know. Hit me, choke me, spit in my face. I just want to stay in the mix.

Laura Ingraham: Thanks for being here, Ted.

Ted Cruz: Oh, and one more thing. I’d like to remind all my fellow Texans watching at home that February is gonna be a cold one. So you might want to book your vacated Cancún now. Live moss everybody.

Laura Ingraham: That’s great advice, Ted. I’d like to take a moment to thank my few remaining loyal sponsors. COVID NEGS. The COVID test is guaranteed to be negative even if you have it. COVID NEGS, I’m gone to your wedding. And False Alarm Medical Alert. If your grandkids think it’s the end, they’ll call. And white pizza for an Italian who’s too ethnic. Our next guest is the latest victim of the vaccine police with a name I somehow had an easier time learning to pronounce them Kamala Harris. Please welcome Novak Djokovic.

Novak Djokovic: Yeah. Thank you. Call me by my nickname, The Joker. Although right now I’m the least popular Joker except for Jared Leto.

Laura Ingraham: I found him relatable. So, Novak, you were deported from Australia for refusing to be vaccinated. And I never thought I would hear myself use the word deported in a bad way. What happened?

Novak Djokovic: I went to Australia. My visa was denied. But then I appealed to the judge and this was his ruling.

[Cut to an animated video of a tennis ball court]

Sound: Out.

Laura Ingraham: I must say, I am a fan of your sport because in tennis, love is bad. Now, why don’t you tell your side of the story while I stare into the camera like it’s a raw piece of steak.

Novak Djokovic: Thank you, Laura. You see, people love to tear you off your pedestal, you know, just because you’re really rich or you’re the best at tennis or you go to a charity event with 230 kids even though you’re dripping with COVID. But in my heart I know that one day people will look back on this moment in history and think “Who cares?”

Laura Ingraham: Thank you, Novak. See you at Wimbledon.

Novak Djokovic: Probably not.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. My next guest is here to address the Voting Rights bill which would make it easier for minorities to vote and harder for white people in Florida the vote twice. Please welcome my one black friend Candace Owens.

Candace Owens: Martin Luther King would have voted for Trump.

Laura Ingraham: Hello to you too.

Candace Owens: Laura, liberals tried to make everything about race. To quote the only words that Martin Luther King ever said, “I have a dream.” That’s it. End of quote. Nothing about money or jobs or schools unless you count his tombstone, which says, “Great job gang, racism over.”

Laura Ingraham: I hope people at home are writing this down.

Candace Owens: Thanks, Laura. Now it’s my greatest honor to continue to fight for African Americans, no matter how many times they asked me to stop.

Laura Ingraham: Thank you. Thank you, Candace. Now, I’d like to thank a few more of my loyal sponsors. Bible belts. Hold your pants up the way God intended with Bible Belts. Flower Poison, ever see a big garden full of flowers and think I wish they were dead? Flower Poison. And Paula Deen’s Chickpea Mash. It’s not radical Islamic hummus. It’s American chicken. Talk at the 2024 Republican primaries already heating up. So let’s talk to the svelte muscular  pound gorilla in the room, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Hello, Laura. It’s wonderful to be here. I’m back just like Tiger King 2. You have fun the first time and now you’re like, “How are more people from this not in jail yet?”

Laura Ingraham: Now, Mr. President, you’re out on the trail again, creating controversy with your typical wacko stuff and uncharacteristically reasonable takes on booster shots. Would you like to give our viewers a taste?

Donald Trump: I sure would. Let’s get today’s wordle. Could we do that please? I got a booster, okay, because I made the booster. I made the beautiful vaccine. It’s an incredible vaccine. But it’s very unfair what’s happening with the COVID treatment, okay. White people are being told to get back of line. They’re being told back of line. Speaking of white people, John Mayer. John Mayer, he hasn’t had a hit in so long but we love Mayer so much. Body Wonderland. I mean, come on. It was tremendous music. I thought it was tremendous music with Body Wonderland. You know, I’d rather be Mayer of anything than be Governor Ron DeSantis. I’d beat him so bad if he went against me just like I beat Hillary okay. Because the only Hillary we like is Duff from How I Met Your Father. How I Me Your father, you know it doesn’t have the charm and sparkle of frankly mother. But we love Duff, okay. We love duff.  You know, she got her teeth fixed. Now they look like Jordan almonds. Lizzie McGuire, you know, they wanted to do a Lizzie McGuire with Hulu and Disney said “No sex.” They didn’t want the sex. So, they went their separate ways just like Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa. Let me tell you, Momoa is a very big boy. He is so big. He looks like a sexy devil. The Devil Wears Prada and Prada is right next to Tiffany’s. Tiffany is my daughter. Daughters is by John Mayer. And I’m gonna run through the host of your high schooler 2024 when you reelect Trump. Wordle.

Laura Ingraham: There it is. You got it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The Ingraham Angle Coronavirus Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond

Elizabeth Warren

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro]

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.

[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.]

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?

[The list goes off]

So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.

For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.

Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?

Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.

Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?

Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.

Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.

Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.

Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]

Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?

Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?

Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.

Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–

Eric Trump: The toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–

Eric Trump: The N word?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?

Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–

[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]

104?

Eric Trump: Yes!

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?

Eric Trump: The park.

Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Trump: I’m a father.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.

[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!

Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.

Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.

Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.

Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.

Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.

And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.

Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.]

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?

Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.

Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.

Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.

[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.

Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.

Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Weekend Update- Laura Ingraham

Colin Jost

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Red Lobster, Blue Apron and Slim Fast join the adviser boycott against FOX News host Laura Ingram after she mocked Parkland survivor David Hogg for getting rejected from four colleges. She’s back on her show after her fourth hiatus. Here to comment is Laura Ingram.

[Laura Ingram slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Ingram: Hey! Hey. Hi, Colin. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi. Thanks for having me.

Colin Jost: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. And, congratulations on returning to your show.

Laura Ingram: Thank you. It’s so good to be back after that planned vacation. It was so fun and so planned and it’s so scheduled a long time ago. The important thing is I’m back. And I’m not gonna cave to bullying from the tolerant left. I don’t care if I lost a couple of sponsors.

Colin Jost: Well, so far you’ve lost 27.

Laura Ingram: Yeah. And all because I trolled a traumatized teen. After spewing venom for decades, Twitter suddenly has made me accountable [coughs]. Okay. You know what? That can’t keep me down. Coz I’m really excited about some of my new sponsors. Like, Carl’s Sr., leftover Carl’s Jr. food ground to mush for old people. Umm, Carl’s Sr. And Your Pillow. From the makers of My Pillow, send us your pillow, we need more pillow. Or how about Shkreli’s Jelly? It’s just Jelly that’s $8,000 a jar.

Colin Jost: Are those real products, Laura?

Laura Ingram: Yup. You see, the totalitarian left can attack me all they want. But I’ll continue to defend the first amendment. That’s my right to bully people without being bullied in return. Right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how it works, Laura.

Laura Ingram: Yeah, fine. Just look, don’t boycott my show. Our country is so divided right now and I’m an important part of that. Let’s move on. You know I’m gonna say something worse. Why don’t you just watch a show and find out what that’s gonna be? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mention more of my sponsors. Like, Lady Bump Stock. The light weight Bump Stocks for delicate hands. And reverse Mortgage. We’ll take that house now. And how about Malaysian Airlines, caught in a scandal and need an escape? Malaysian Airlines.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Laura, I really– [Laura raises her both hands to her shoulder levels mimicking an airplane] Don’t do the act of Malaysian Airlines.

Laura Ingram: What?

Colin Jost: What? I don’t think those are real sponsors.

Laura Ingram: What do you want me to say? Look, I’m getting ponned by teenagers. Am I using that right? Ponned?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t really know. I definitely don’t know.

Laura Ingram: I don’t understand anything anymore. I mean Emma Gonzalez looks like some bad ass super hero trying to change the world. But when I in high school, it was bad to try. I said I wanted to try art and I got kicked in the face. But I didn’t say I was getting bullied. I just grew up into this. [pointing at herself] But you now who’s not afraid to sponsor this? Cream Soda. The soda for whites. You got the white one, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Alright. Laura, I think that’s enough. Alright.

Laura Ingram: Can I say one more thing about the Parkland kids?

Colin Jost: No! That’s what got you in trouble!

Laura Ingram: Okay, fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: Laura Ingram, everyone.

Michael Che: I always knew white people loved cream soda.