Weekend Update Laura Parsins

Michael Che

Laura Parsins… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casters of Tomorrow segment where a kid joins us to give news from their perspective. Tonight we have a young actress who’s in the Disney XD original movie ‘The Dolphin Diaries’, please welcome Laura Parsins.

[Laura Parsins slides in] [cheers and applause]

Laura Parsins: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
hey, Michael Che, did you hear today
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: Oh. Thanks for coming, Laura.

Laura Parsins: I hear Emily Blunt is here and she is the new Mary Poppins.

Michael Che: That’s right. She’ll be in a new movie.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: I’m supercalifragilistic, XP available. [speaking in accent] Hello governor.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura! I don’t think audition is being held right now. Why don’t you just tell us what’s going on in the news.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: Well, there’s a big election coming up. Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. And some people say Donald Trump is a bully because he calls people names. He might have said some bad things to a lady on a plane.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s right.

Laura Parsins: [yelling] And then he shoved his hands up her skirt.

Michael Che: Laura! This is– This is an adult subject. You know what sexual harassment is? Or assaule?

Laura Parsins: I think so. It’s when the boos looks at you and says, “Hi Chucks, if you want this job, you better give me the goods.”

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe– Alright, maybe you do know what it is. Um, I hope that’s not the only thing you learned about this election.

Laura Parsins: Of course not. Our teacher asked us to watch the debates. It’s so cool. Regular citizens get to ask the candidates the questions. Like, Ken Bone. He’s a big huggable man in a red sweater.

Michael Che: I saw him. He seemed very nice.

Laura Parsins: I thought so too until he got on Reddit and talked about my favorite actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Michael Che: Alright, Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] He said he liked her butthole.

Michael Che: Laura! [Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che] You can’t talk like that.

Laura Parsins: Why not? Billy Bush said bad things and my mom says he might get $10 million… [yelling] from this network.

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsins: [speaking accent] I’m on a diet. I need a nanny.

Michael Che: There’s no Mary Poppins audition, Laura. Let’s talk about something fun. What’s something fun that you’re into?

Laura Parsins: Well, my school had a circus last week. You could dress up as an acrobat or an animal or a clown.

Michael Che: Oh, that’s cool.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: It sure is. They love clowns. Except in South Carolina [yelling] where they’re luring kids into the woods.

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] Best case scenario, you’re a molester.

Michael Che: Alright! Thank you, Laura. You were great. You did fantastic.

Laura Parsins: I was? Wow. Guess I passed the audition. [Cut to Laura Parsins] [singing] And that’s in the news

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura Parsins. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.