Arie… Alex Moffat
Luke Null
Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner
Lauren C. …Cecily Strong
Jessica Chastain
Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Car Hunk intro]Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.
[Cut to Arie. He is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand.]Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.
[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.
Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.
[Lauren C. walks in.]Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Lauren B. walks out and Lauren C. takes a seat beside Arie.]Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.
Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.
[Jessica walks in.]Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.
Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.
Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.
Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?
Jessica: Eating Tide pods.
Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.
[Kate walks in.]Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.
[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.] [Cut to Kate]Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?
[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]Luke: Does it matter?
Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.
Luke: I love that.
Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.
[Aidy walks in.]Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.
Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.
Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.
[Melissa walks in.]Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]Mm, I like this.
Arie: Tell me something about you.
Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?
Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.
Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.
Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.
[Kate walks in.]Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.
Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.
Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?
Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.
[Aidy walks in.]Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.
[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.
Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.
Aidy: You got it.
[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek] [Jessica walks in.]Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.
Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.
Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.
Arie: I’ll walk you out.
[The End]