Sam Adams

Heidi Gardner

Kevin R. … Alex Moffat

Jonathan E. … Beck Bennett

Sean S. … Bill Burr

Kori A. … Ego Nwodim

Daria C. … Lauren Holt

Son… Mikey Day

[Starts with Heidi serving the beer in glass and speaking.]

Female voice: Sam Adams has brewed signature beers in the heart of Boston since 1984. So who better to try out our Jack-O Pumpkin Boston Ale than real Bostonians?

Kevin R.: You know, it’s got that great Sam Adams taste, but the pumpkin flavor. Really kicks it up a notch.

Jonathan E.: I love Sam October fest, but I think this might even be better.

[Seas S. takes of sip of beer and spits it out.]

Sean S.: Jesus Christ. What the [bleep] is that?

Kori A.: Okay. This is the perfect beer for sweater weather.

Sean S.: Okay, let’s try this for real. [Sean S. drinks a whole glass of beer at once.] I don’t like that.

Daria C.: I’m not a really beer drinker, but this might change that.

Sean S.: This is a kind of beer somebody brings to a party at your house and then just sits in the fridge for like, 8 months. And then one day, your buddy comes your home and he’s like, “Hey, you got a beer?” And I’m like, “Well, you know, I got this pumpkin shit.” So, you drink it. And, you know, gets you a buzz.

[His son is behind him shopping]

Son: Pop, come on!

Sean S.: [yelling] I’m coming!

Son: You’ve been sitting there for half an hour and I have to work.

Sean S.: I’m enjoying myself. You know, you’re just like your mother! [son walks away] Oh, there you go.

Kori A.: You guys should sell this year around. Seriously, it’s so–

[Sean S. walks behind Kori A. interrupting the video.]

Sean S.: Sorry, sorry. Just grabbing one more. [He opens the bottle and spills the beer everywhere.] Oh, watch it. My bad.

Jonathan E.: I can definitely taste the hops.

[Sean S. is shopping his groceries being very loud with his son.]

Sean S.: Hot Tots, Reese’s Puffs? What are you, eight? Go get some stop & shop corn flakes in the Welfare Bag. [his son is staring at him] What’s that look? Are you gonna take a swing at me? Is today the day? Hah? Is this the day that you swing at your old man? Is that what it is? Come on, you a man now? [son walks away] Didn’t think so.

[Son throws a bag of corn flakes at him. They start fighting.]

Female voice: Sam Adams Jack-O Pumpkin Ale, real Bostonians agree.

All: It’s a winner.

Sean S.: You know, it’s kind of sweet and [bleep] but, you know, there’s nothing else to drink. You guys called the cops?

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.] [There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.