No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places]

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

Maya Rudolph Monologue

Maya Rudolph

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Lauren Holt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Maya.

[Maya walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Maya: Thank you. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy to be here in the place that I love. I can’t tell you. Specially after a year that has been, shall we say, a real kick in the clam. But it feels like we’re starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You know? People are getting the vaccine. My parents got their’s. I’m really happy to report that. It’s spring, so, goodbye sweater weather, and hello leather weather? Some of you may know me because, well, I used to work here. And some of you may know me by the name Mommy, because I gave birth to you. I have four incredible kids and they’re all here tonight. Don’t make me cry. And just a heads up to my kids, tonight mommy’s gonna put on a lot of wigs, okay? And do a lot of weird voices, so it’s just gonna be like a typical day at home. I’ll just be wearing a bra. My kids are actually really huge fans of the show and having them here in the place where I grew up is so special. And it has me thinking about the new kids in the cast are starting out. And I feel like it’s my duty as an elder to impart to them the lessons I’ve learned on the stage. So, can I get the new cast out here? Send them out.

[Andrew, Punkie and Lauren walk to the stage]

Lauren: Hi, Maya. We’re so excited to have you here.

Maya: I know you are, baby. Come close. Mama won’t bite. Band, can you play some music to talk to babies too? [lullaby music playing] Let me tell you something. I am a big fan of all of you. You people are so talented, so unique. And I remember all your names. [pointing at Andrew] Chirpie, [pointing at Punkie] Little Deedee and [pointing at Lauren] Chalisto Vagina.

Lauren: Well, that’s not my name.

Maya: Please don’t talk. Now, I started on this show back in the year 2000. How old were you on the year 2000, Chirpie?

Andrew: Five.

Maya: You know what? Get him out of here. Get the hell out. [securities take Andrew away from the stage] So much better without Chirpie, isn’t it, girls?

Lauren: I guess.

Punkie: Absolutely.

Maya: Now, back in my day, things were a lot different. Let me see if I can remember. It was so long ago and my brain is a little foggy. Because I’ve been electrocuted one too many times.

Punkie: What?

Maya: Yes, my toaster keeps falling into the bath. What can I say? I like hot baths and I like hot toast. Let me tell you about the cast back then. See, I was the shy one. I was so nervous, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Oh, but Rachel Dratch, she was the princess. She was so perfect with the red hair and all the freckles. But she just did “16 candles”, so she had a lot of heat.

Lauren: She did?

Maya: Zip it. Now, Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy was the bad boy. Always strutting around in his jean jacket and his fingerless leather gloves. He was 100% trouble and 100% hot stuff. And the jock? Oh, he was none other than Mr. Emilio Estevez.

Punkie: Um, are you talking about the breakfast club?

Maya: Quiet! Now, Lorne. Hah, Lorne. He was the principle and he made us coming on Saturdays as punishment. He always said, “Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And I’d get so nervous, I’d just shake may hair and make my dandruff fall over my papers. You know, like, snow.

Lauren: Okay. That’s Allie Sheedy.

Maya: Oh! Oh, Calista. I hope you’re funny because you’re very stupid. The point is, we became family. Then right at the end, Jimmy punched his fist in the air and everything froze. And hundreds of names just scrolled all over his face. [singing] La-la-la-la-la. Then he did bride-maids. Some of the details are a little hazy. The point is no matter how tough things get, you kids are gonna be alright. We’re all gonna be alright.

All: Yeah!

[singing]

la-la-la
la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

Maya: We’ve got a great show. Jack Harlow is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Supermarket Sweep

David Ruprecht… John Krasinski

James… Chris Redd

Dina… Ego Nwodim

Billy… Andrew Dismukes

Riba… Lauren Holt

Kris… Aidy Bryant

Gina… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching the Game Show Newtork’s 90’s Throwback Night. At 8, it’s Dogs vs Kids. At 9, it’s The Great American Slime Race. But now, it’s a classic 1991 episode of Supermarket Sweep.

[cut to the show set]

David Ruprecht: Hello and welcome back to Supermarket Sweep. It’s jeopardy for food. I’m your host David Ruprecht. Let’s meet today’s contestants. James and Dina. Billy and Reba. And Kris and Gina. Welcome to the show. James and Dina, how do you know each other?

James: We’re dating.

Dina: We’re engaged.

David Ruprecht: Terrific. Billy and Reba?

Billy and Riba: We’re married.

David Ruprecht: Very nice. And Kris and Gina. How do you two know each other?

Gina: We are very good friends.

Kris: Yes. We breed pugs

Gina: We also share clogs.

Kris: Yes. And one bedroom home in Vermont.

David Ruprecht: Super. Alright. You excited for sweep?

Gina: Oh sir, yes sir.

Kris: We have a dozen rescued animals with different unmanageable medical conditions that require separate diets.

Gina: We know the supermarket like the back of our strong women’s hand.

David Ruprecht: Well, that sounds good to me. Okay. Let’s get to the most famous part of Supermarket Sweep, the little quiz about grocery items. Who’s ready? Alright. So, here we go. Laid by a feathered bird on two legs, this breakfast oval is known as…

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris: Eggs.

Gina: It’s eggs.

Kris: Eggs.

David Ruprecht: Very good. Kris and Gina.

[Gina and Kris look at each other]

Gina: I love you.

[Gina and Kris kiss]

Kris: You’re my king.

David Ruprecht: Little friendship kiss there. And wow! Eggs are a $100 bonus items. So Gina, go find those eggs.

Gina: Okay, [pointing at Kris] this is for you

Kris: Go my provider.

[Gina runs towards the grocery section of the set and brings in the eggs.]

Gina: I love you.

Kris: Come on. Get those eggs.

Gina: Got em’. God, I missed you.

Kris: I missed you so much.

Gina: That was crazy for me.

Kris: I am sick when you are not here.

Gina: Let’s never do that again.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: Egg

David Ruprecht: That is correct but little late. Great job to the gal pals but couples, you’re still in this. Okay, here’s your next clue. If you’re running late–

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris and Gina: It’s ketchup.

David Ruprecht: That is correct.

Riba: [to Billy] Why didn’t you say ketchup?

Billy: They’re so fast.

Riba: Don’t yell at me.

Billy: Don’t emasculate me on TV.

David Ruprecht: Oh, trouble in paradise. Now, let’s learn a little bit about our front runners. What do you guys do for work?

Kris: I have a doctorate in grocery riddles.

Gina: That’s right. And I’m a unitarian minister.

David Ruprecht: Neat. What would you do with the money if you win?

Kris: Well, our blind horse needs a full time nurse.

Gina: Yeah. My snow shoes are looking a little ratty.

Kris: Yeah. And I do need titanium ankles because mine are just sort of bone on bone.

David Ruprecht: Ouchie! Well, good luck catching up, couples, because these two are really in sync.

Gina: Yeah, we got a really good thing.

Kris: Yeah. This woman taught me how to trust.

Gina: Sometimes I lie awake praying that we die in the same moment.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: [pointing at James] Now, why doesn’t he talk about me like that?

James: What did I do?

Dina: Don’t talk to me.

James: I don’t know what to tell ya’. Pairs of friends like this do really well on our show. In fact, let’s take a moment to give a shoutout to our previous winners this season. They’re Sam and Karen. [both women] Jan and Rebecca. [both women again] Kelly and Rone. [both women again] And Ellen and Portia. [both women again] Alright. Kris and Gina, since you’re in the lead, you’ll get to do the mini-sweep. Now, if you find the specially marked golden blue-berry, you’ll win $5000.

Gina: I got this and I got you, babe.

Kris: Thank you for today and all the days in the future and all the days that we have had forever together.

David Ruprecht: And go!

[Kris and Gina run towards the grocery section. Kris falls down because of her ankle problem.]

Kris: Ouch! Oh god! Oh, no. Oh, my ankles. You gotta go on without me.

Gina: No. I’m never leaving you again.

Kris: You will have to.

Gina: Oh, like hell I do.

David Ruprecht: 40 seconds on the clock.

Kris: Look at me, Gina. You are my world. And all the deaf donkeys we have raised from bottle call, you mother.

David Ruprecht: 20 seconds left, girls.

Gina: [pointing at David Ruprecht] Shut up.

Kris: Yes, you shut up. You shut the hell up and let me talk to my friend. [talking to Gina now] Now, I was gonna wait, but your mother to die before I did this. [Kris pulls out an engagement ring.]

Gina: Oh my god.

Kris: Gina, will you do me the honor of marrying us?

Gina: Yes. By the power vested in my by the store Vermont unitary, you may now kiss the friend.

Kris: Oh baby.

[Kris and Gina start making out on the floor]

David Ruprecht: Well, time’s up and you didn’t find the blueberries. But on the bright side, I’m thinking about asking one of you out. Well, thanks for watching, America. Goodnight.

Secret Word Holiday Edition

Grand Choad… Kenan Thompson

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Elka Legerdi… Kate McKinnon

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Card Varks. But first, Secret Word.

[Cut to the show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play the game the stars play, “Secret Word”. With your host, Grand Choad.

Grand Choad: Alright. Welcome once again to “Secret Word”. I am Grand Choad. Today’s show is sponsored by Secretary Wax. Shine up those legs before your boss gets in Secretary Wax. Our first guest is a regular on the show and is best known for the work on Broadway Stage. Please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in[

Mindy Elise Grayson: Merry Christmas. My gift to you is me.

Grand Choad: Alright. Hello, Mindy. You seem excited to be here today.

[Mindy Elise Grayson takes a seat beside Lauren]

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am, Grant. I need money.

Grand Choad: Ha-ha. Terrific. We’re very lucky to have our next celebrity who’s making a rare public appearance. Please welcome Austrian-American actress and part time recluse, Elka Legerdi.

[Elka Legerdi walks in. She’s wearing sunglasses.]

Elka Legerdi: So many light and people on camera, this is all too much to bear.

Grand Choad: Well, it is great to meet you, Elka. I loved you in “Unresponsive Woman”.

[Elka Legerdi takes a seat beside Andrew]

Elka Legerdi: Thank you. Show business is a demon that eats you from the inside out until there’s nothing left but tears and dust.

Grand Choad: Okay. And you are Austria’s leading comedic actress?

Elka Legerdi: That is correct.

Grand Choad: Alright. All of today’s secret words are Christmas themed. Mindy, your team is up first. Are you ready to play?

Mindy Elise Grayson: We are. Let’s do this.

Grand Choad: Alright. 15 seconds on the clock, please.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘wrap’.

Grand Choad: And remember, Mindy. Don’t say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I’m not going to, grant. I know what I’m doing. Right. How much time is left?

Grand Choad: Five seconds.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, well I better get to it. Let’s see. Wrap.

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I did. I am sorry. It’s the actress in me. I see letters and turn them into emotions. Just like I did in the play “Alls well that ends well”, a story of a blind girl who flips in to a well. Mama, where am I? The walls are wet. Who’s bucket is this? Mama! The New York times said, “Oh-oh!”

Grand Choad: Fantastic. Alright. Let’s go over to Elka’s team. Elka, are you going to give or receive?

Elka Legerdi: I have nothing left to give but if you ask, I will comply.

Grand Choad: It’s a very fun outlook. Let’s put 15 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is “Poinsettia”.

Elka Legerdi: I don’t know this word.

Andrew: Poinsettia?

[buzzer sound.]

Grand Choad: Just do another one.

Male voice: The secret word is “Ho ho ho”.

Elka Legerdi: Okay. This is hard in my accent but moo moo moo.

Andrew: I don’t understand.

Elka Legerdi: Moo moo moo.

Andrew: Yeah, I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! She’s saying “Ho ho ho.”

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy! Alright, Elka. You lost that point.

Elka Legerdi: What’s the point of anything?

Grand Choad: Okay. I wish there was a third team to go, but all we have is Mindy.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am ready to give again.

Lauren: When is it my turn?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ha-ha-ha. That’s exactly what I said at my very first Hollywood orgy. You have to network.

Grand Choad: Our next clue is a Christmas phrase. Let’s hear it.

Male voice: The secret phrase is “Trimming the tree”.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh. Maybe I’m screwed but I don’t know why anyone would want to do this to a tree. I mean if you wanted to practice but I think you just get splinters in your mouth.

Lauren: I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! I’m sorry. My thumb, on the screen was covering up the first ‘T’. It’s ‘Trimming’. Trimming the tree.

Grand Choad: Um, this is the Christmas show. It’s Christmas.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I understand. I’m sorry. I biffed it. Just like I biffed my entire performance in the broadway musical flop “Mumbai Suzie and the Vindiloo Crew”, the story of a poor teen who left her strict Indian parents to open a curry cart in the big city of Bombay. He’s the 11 o’clock number. Hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m moving out Mumbai, mom bye!
I’ll be home forGrand Choad Christmas dad bye, dad bye

Grand Choad: No. That is not okay. Not even for the time we’re supposed to be in. And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break.

Elka Legerdi: I had fun.

Grand Choad: Well, I’m glad. We’ll be right back after this.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi walk up front]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, watch us move it.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi start dancing]

Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.

Coronavirus Holiday

Rony… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

Oral… Bowen Yang

Genital… Chloe Fineman

Spike… Timothée Chalamet

Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.

[Cut to Rona Family. They’re humand with corona like crown spikes on their heads.]

Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.

Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?

Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.

[Cecily opens the door. Daughter walks in.]

Hey, my baby girl’s home.

Daughter: Hi, mom.

Cecily: How was your first semester at college?

Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.

Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.

Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.

Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hi.

Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.

Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.

Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.

Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.

Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.

Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.

Cecily: Tom Hanks?

Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.

All: Laughing.

Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?

[A couple walks in]

Couple: Hi.

Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.

Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?

Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.

Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.

Genital: Please call me Jen.

[Spike walks in. Villain’s music is playing.]

Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?

Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.

Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.

Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.

Cecily: I’m sorry.

Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.

Oral: We always do.

[Oral and Genital leave]

Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?

Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.

Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.

[Spanish Influenza is there knitting a sweater]

Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.

Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.

Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.

Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.

Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.

Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.

Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.

Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.

Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.

Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.

Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?

Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.

Cecily: Spike! You take that back!

Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?

Daughter: Dad, stop.

Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.

Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.

[Everyone’s shocked]
Rony: You wouldn’t.

Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.

Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.

Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?

Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.

Cecily: Rony, say something.

Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.

Spike: I snuck in their butts.

Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.

Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.

Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.

Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.

All: Yay! [celebrating]