Lauren Holt
Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner
Ego Nwodim
Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson
Marie… Chloe Fineman
Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon
Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman
[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.
Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.
[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?
Ego: You know I do, mama.
[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]Marie: Hey, mom.
Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?
Marie: Mom. You look fine.
Marie’s mom: Okay.
[Cut to Lauren]Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–
Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset
Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.
[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.
Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.
Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.
Lauren: Mom!
Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.
Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.
Ego: When?
Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.
Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.
Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.
Marie: Oh my god! Mom!
Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.
Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?
[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.
Marie: I know dad.
Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?
Marie: I know.
Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.
Marie: I can tell.
Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!
Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.
Ego: What? Why?
Ego’s mom: For safety.
[Ego’s dad joins the video call]Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.
Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.
Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.
Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.
Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.
Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.
Marie: Mom! No!
Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.
Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?
Marie: That’s not how it works!
Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?
Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.
Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?
Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.
Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!
Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.
Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.
Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?
Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.
Ego’s mom: No. Not that.
Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.
Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Marie: You guys are insane.
Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.
Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.
Ego: Oh my god! Mom!
Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.
[doorbell ringing]Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]
Marie: Who is Bob?
Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.
Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.
Marie’s dad: Get in here.
Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.
Marie: Please get these people out of your home.
Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.
Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.
Ego: Calm down!
[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]Lauren: What’s happening?
Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.
Marie: I love you too.
Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.
Ego’s dad: We love you.
Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.
Lauren: I love you too, mom.
Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.