Tag: Lee

Blue Georgia

Sheriff… John Krasinski

Lee… Pete Davidson

Ms. Crystal… Aidy Bryant

William… Beck Benett

Biscuit… Kenan Thompson

Jimmy… Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffatt

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Blue Georgia intro]

Song: Blue Georgia, sweet Blue Georgia
you’re a friend of mine.

[Cut to Sheriff and Lee getting in a restaurant]

Sheriff: Hey there, Ms. Crystal.

Ms. Crystal: Oh, Sheriff. Ain’t you a side?

Sheriff: I just wanted to stop by so you all can meet my cousin, Lee, from out of town.

Ms. Crystal: Well, look at you. Where are you coming from, Lee?

Lee: New York city.

Ms. Crystal: New York city? Well, welcome. Good to see you fellow blue stator. We’re just like y’all.

Lee: I mean, I doin’t know if you’re just like us.

Sheriff: Oh, no. We bet we are. See, Georgia is all blue now. Maybe heard about our election on the news?

Ms. Crystal: Oh, yes. Don’t get me started on the news. I can’t stand that CNN with it’s corporate, neo-liberal, both-sides nonsense. Just give me my Rachel Maddow on MSNBC any day.

Sheriff: A-women to that, Ms. Crystal.

Lee: Okay.

Ms. Crystal: Well so, what are y’all having?

Lee: Well, I heard a lot about southern food, so just give me the special.

Ms. Crystal: Okay, you got it. One avocado, one gluten free toast.

Sheriff: And I’ll have your beyond meat loaf.

Ms. Crystal: Got it.

[Sheriff and Lee sit at a table. There’s William sitting right there.]

William: Sit down, Sheriff. My name is William He-him, but everyone calls me Skeeter.

Sheriff: Skeeter owns the electric truck dealership down yonder.

Ms. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m Crystal. She-ma’am.

Sheriff: And over there is old Biscuit He-him. Down to some good read there, Biscuit?

Biscuit: Oh, yes indeed. Just reading from the good book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama.

Sheriff: Ain’t that a good book? I tell you, ain’t nothing finer than reading on your solar heated porch, sipping lemonade through a reusable metal straw.

Lee: Hey, before we eat, I should wash my hands. You know where the men’s room is?

William: Yes, back in 2015. We don’t have men’s room. But all-gender restroom is just down the way.

Lee: Oh. You guys have all-gender restroom?

William: Oh-oh, Sheriff, I think your cousin thinks we’re all crazy Christian types.

Lee: No, no. I never said that. Even if you, it’s fine. I mean, I’m Jewish.

William: Hold on. You’re Jewish?

Lee: Yeah.

William: Well, I hope you know what we do to Jewish folks down here in Georgia. We elect them. Ha-ha-ha.

Sheriff: Yeah. I don’t know if you heard but we got a 33 year old Jewish senator now. Mazel tov, y’all.

Ms. Crystal: Wow, that Ossoff fellow makes these cheeks a-blush.

Sheriff: Ms. Crystal!

Lee: Where am I?

[Another policeman walks in]

Jimmy: Sheriff! Sheriff!

Sheriff: Now, slow down there, Jimmy. What seems to be the big emergency?

Jimmy: Oh, Sheriff, it was crazy. All these black lives matter folks just came down to the station and wanted to protest in our town. Well, I was just so honored. I filled the permits right away.

Sheriff: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Jimmy. Tell them they can stop by next week.

Jimmy: Will do. I’m so nervous. Should I wear my bla-shiki?

Sheriff: Now, wouldn’t go doing that, Jimmy. See, you might be appropriate.

[Alex walks in with his MAGA hat on and takes a seat.]

Ms. Crystal: [getting nervous] Well, I never!

[Sheriff walks to Alex]

Sheriff: Excuse me. You lost?

Alex: Um, no. Just want to get something to eat. I’m here from Florida.

Ms. Crystal: Oh!

William: Well, la-di-da!

Sheriff: Sir, I don’t know what they’re teaching over there in Florida, but this here is Georgia. This is Stacey Abrams’ country.

Biscuit: The republic of Stankonia.

William: Birth place of REM and TLC.

Sheriff: Sir, why don’t you let Jimmy here drive you to the state line before any trouble starts.

Alex: Trouble? Don’t bother, I’ll see myself out. [walks to the door and looks back at everybody] Ay, what happened to y’all anyway? Georgia has changed.

Biscuit: Yeah, science is real and love is love. Tell us something we don’t know, sucker!

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Excuse me. I’m from the health department. You’ve got a big problem. No one in this entire town is wearing a mask.

Ms. Crystal: Well, that’s coz we’re free!

Jimmy: Hoax!

Lee: Now, that’s Georgia.

SoulCycle at Home

Phoenix… Cecily Strong

Lee… Bowen Yang

Korona… Ego Nwodim

Toyota… Chris Redd

Robert… Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro] [Cut to Phoenix in her home]

Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee in his home]

Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!

[Cut to Korona in her home]

Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!

[Cut to Toyota in his home]

Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!

[Cut to Robert in his home]

Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!

[Cut to Heidi in her home]

Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!

[Heidi is working out]

Wow! It’s burning now.

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!

[Cut to Toyota]

Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!

[Cut to Korona]

Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!

[Cut to Phoenix]

Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!