Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Crazy Bitches

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A California woman was arrested after she tried to break into the house of a man she met online by sneaking in through his chimney. Here with her thoughts on this story is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: What’s up Colin? Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you. Now, what do you think about this woman who snuck in through the chimney.

Leslie Jones: You know what, Colin? Look, I sympathize with this woman. [Cut to Leslie Jones] When stuff like this happens, men just love to call woman names like crazy bitch. Crazy bitch!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Y’all got your nerve calling women crazy but you men is just as crazy as us. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Y’all can’t even handle our bodies. Every time you look at our breasts, you lose your damn minds.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Look at my breasts, Colin.

Colin Jost: No.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Look at my breasts.

Colin Jost: I feel like I have to talk to HR first.

Leslie Jones: See, men, you just want to touch them and squeeze them and mash them together. And if you can’t do that, you’re staring at them all creepy like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Every girl out there grew up with some uncle staring at them at thanksgiving, saying how much you’ve grown. And they ain’t really even your uncle. They just some dude your dad work with. It’s personal!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: We got that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: So, you men think you crazy, you give us that crazy. We got to be crazy. We take men inside of us. Inside of our heart. Inside of our souls. Inside of our Netflix account.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Do you know how gangster that is? To take all of that inside of you, Jost?

Leslie Jones: I guess its– yes. It’s pretty gangster.

Colin Jost: You better believe it’s gangster you tall glass of almond milk.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Leslie Jones]

Ay, you know what? When we first started dating y’all, we don’t even know what we’re taking inside of us anyway. We gotta be ready for whatever penis bring to the house. We don’t know if it’s long, short, wide, skinny, bumpy, scratchy, smooth, crooked. We don’t know which one of the seven dwarfs you gonna bring. And we gotta hug you. We gotta hug you when we make love to you. We got to put our hands on your sweaty, hairy ass. And you can’t even call me back tomorrow?

So, you listen here crazy chimney bitch. When some man call you a crazy bitch, you own it. You are crazy bitch. I’m a crazy bitch. We gotta be crazy. And please believe me, if you end up in our pants, don’t be surprised if we end up in your chimney.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: I’ll be in your chimney, Jost.

Campfire Song

Christi… Venessa Bayer

Don… Kyle Mooney

Todd… Woody Harrelson

Eva… Leslie Jones

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]

Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.

Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.

Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.

[Cut to everybody]

Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.

[Todd brings out a guitar] [Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?

Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.

[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]

Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree

Come on, don’t be shy.

Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.

You guys still know this?

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk

You really don’t know this?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: No.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You do. You have to.

Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.

Little louder, guys.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: None of us know this.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.

Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way

Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.

In the usual way

Go, Christi.

[Cut to Christi]

Christi: In the usual way.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.

[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]

Don: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.

Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.

[Cut to everybody]

Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.

[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]

Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: I still got my pick.

[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.] [Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Tell me what?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.

Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.

[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]

Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Apples, apples

Come on, Todd! Sing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.

[Cut to everybody]

Christi: Now, come on everybody.

Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way

Christi: Come on, Todd!

[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.] [Todd joins the song]

Don: There he is.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way

[Todd starts dancing] [cheers and applause]