Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Alabama’s Abortion Ban | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]

Leslie Jones: Yes!

Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?

Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.

Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]

Look at them. All men.

[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]

This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.

[Leslie stares at Colin]

Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.

[Cut to Leslie]

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman:  Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish] [Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow] [Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]