Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]
Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]
Leslie Jones: Yes!
Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?
Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.[Cut to Leslie and Colin]
Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.
Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]
Look at them. All men.[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]
This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Leslie and Colin]
Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.[Leslie stares at Colin]
Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.[Cut to Leslie]
Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.[Cut to Leslie and Colin]
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.