Tag: Leslie Jones

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Black Jeopardy with Chadwick Boseman

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Rashad… Chris Redd

T’Challa… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show stage. There’s one host and three contestants.]

[cheers and applause]

Darnell: Yeah. Hi. Wad up? Wad up? Wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only Jeopardy where our prize is paid in installments. Alright, I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Today’s contestants Shanice.

Shanice: Hi.

Darnell: Rashad.

Rashad: What’s crackin?

Darnell: And, oh! This is so exciting. All the way from Wakanda, it’s T’Challa.

[cheers and applause]

T’Challa: Greetings Darnell. I am a big fan of this program.

Darnell: Well, this might be the blackest Black Jeopardy yet. Let’s take a look at that categories. Alright, we got “Grown ass”, “Ah Hell naw”, “Fid’na”, “Girl, bye”, “I ain’t got it”, and as always “White people.” Alright, Shanice, You are returning champ. You pick.

Shanice: Okay. Let’s go to “Aw hell naw” for $100.

Darnell: Okay, answer there. Your barber has a two hour wait, but there’s an empty chair up front.

[buzzer sound]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “Aw hell naw, there’s a reason your chair is empty.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right it is. You can end up looking like The Weeknd. Alright, Rashad, the board is your’s.

Rashad: Let’s go with “Fid’na” for $200.

Darnell: Okay, the answer. They fid’na to take prayer out of school.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “They wonder why everybody pregnant?”

Darnell: Yes. Yes. Bad things happen when you kick Jesus out your house. That’s right. Alright, it’s your pick, Shanice.

Shanice: Let’s stick with “Fid’na” for $400.

Darnell: This is the reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Oh, T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To honor her as the as the foundation of the family.”

[audience laughing]

Darnell: Hmm, that’s really nice. It’s wrong. But it’s really nice. Anybody else? The reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Coz fid’na get a car and I don’t need all that on my credit.”

Darnell: I feel you. I feel you. Yeah, your grandma ain’t gonna need that good credit too much longer. Alright, Shanice, it’s your pick.

Shanice: Let’s go “I ain’t got it” for $200.

Darnell: Alright. The lady from Sallie Mae says your student loan is past due.

[buzzer]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “I ain’t got it because I died. You talking to a ghost.”

Darnell: Yeah. That’s right. That’s right. That’s right. Yeah. You can’t bill what’s not there, okay? Just ask Wesley Snipes. Ain’t that right, T’Challa?

T’Challa: I don’t know this one.

Darnell: That’s alright. You’ll get there. Alright, Rashad, it’s your pick.

Rashad: Am, let’s go with “Aw hell naw” for $400.

Darnell: Alright, the answer. The airline sys they wanna charge twenty-five dollars to check your bag.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Aw hell naw. Looks like I’m gonna fly to Jamaica with 50 pounds of suitcase in my lap.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right. That’s right. And I dare the stewardess to say something. That’s right. Let’s keep going.

Shanice: Let’s say with “Grown ass” for $600.

Darnell: Alright. You send your smart-ass child here ’cause she thinks she grown.

[buzzer]

T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To one of our free university where she can apply her intelligence. And perhaps one day become a great scientist.”

Darnell: Okay. Well, the answer were were looking for was, “Out my damn house.” But you know what? I’m gonna give it to you, T’Challa. Y’all must not have no mean streets in Wakanda. Alright, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: Very well. Let’s go to “Ah hell naw” for $800.

Darnell: Okay. The policeman says there’s been some robberies in your neighborhood and asks if you have any information.

T’Challa: What is, “Not only do I tell this man what I know, but I also assist him in tracking down the offender. After all, our ministers of law enforcement are only here to protect us.” Is this correct?

[Darnell makes funny face]

Darnell: I mean, it should be. But I’m thinking you haven’t spent much time in America. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy prize listing]

Male voice: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive Uesta Hold Margarine, personal plastic containers that used to hold margarine. “Put whatever you want in there.” And well done steaks. “If I see a speck of red, it’s going back. You better cook my food with well done steaks.” And by Sprite. “How did we become the black soda? We don’t know.” Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to the game stage]

Darnell: Ooh! I do love Sprite. Alright, T’Challa, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: I am ready. Let’s go to “White people” for $400.

[Darnell is making shocked faces.]

Darnell: Okay, let’s try it. Your friend Karen brings her potato salad to your cookout.

[buzzer]

Oh-oh. T’Challa.

T’Challa: I think I’m getting the hang of this. Before I answer, a few questions. This woman Karen, she’s caucasian, right?

Darnell: Yes.

T’Challa: And she has her own recipe for potato salad, right?

Darnell: Yeah.

T’Challa: Ah! I understand. It is noble that she would volunteer to cook for everyone. And although I have never had potato salad…

Darnell: Of course.

T’Challa: … I sense that this white woman does not season her food.

Darnell: That’s right.

T’Challa: And if she does, it is only with a tiny bit of salt and no paprika.

Darnell: No paprika. No.

T’Challa: And she will probably add something unnecessary like resins.

Darnell: I know, right?

T’Challa: So, something tells me that I should say–

Darnell: Say it.

T’Challa: “Aw hell naw Karen. Keep your bland ass potato to yourself.”

Darnell: [celebrating] Yes! Yes! Whoo! Oh, man! You got it, T’Challa.

T’Challa: In the face.

Darnell: Yeah. Black Panther, welcome to Black Jeopardy.

Female voice: How many square feet is that?

Male voice: For three bedrooms?

Female voice: What a deal.

Darnell: Oh, well. The sound of white people shopping nearby for real estate means that the fun is over. So, let’s take a break. We’ll be right back with more Black Jeopardy.

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face]

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail]

[Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

Sterling K. Brown Monologue

Sterling K. Brown

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sterling K. Brown.

[Sterling K. Brown walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sterling K. Brown: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is Sterling K. Brown. [cheers and applause] Thank you. And K stands for Katheline. Now, most of you probably know me from “This Is Us.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. Which is the saddest thing you can watch on TV other than the news. You know, I actually have reputation for being pretty sensitive. And what can I say? I’m an actor. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. But I promise tonight that I won’t get overwhelmed because, um– [starts getting emotional]

It’s SNL, you know? I mean, how lucky am I to be here? And on top of everything I’ve gotten to do in the last few years, it’s just like the icing on the cake. But, whoo! Get it together, Sterling Katheline. It’s all good.

But everyone has been really supportive. So, if you’re fan of “This Is Us”, be sure to tune in to the after show, “That Was Them.” Or a spinoff where all black family adopts a white child called, “This Us”. It’s really beautiful. You know, the whole cast of “This Is Us” is so close. It feels like a real family, you know? Mandy, Milo, and my mama, [getting emotional] and my papa.

[yelling] No! No, no, no. Come on Brown! Come on, baby. Whoof! Hosting SNL is a dream come true. It’s such a whirlwind and I’ve been happy just to be along for the ride and to the cast, thank you for making me feel at home. Like, my first day here, Kenan comes up to me. I mean, Kenan Thompson! He is seriously like one of my– [getting emotional] He’s like one of my heroes. You know. And he said, “I got this idea where we play sidemen twins that are attached at the butts.” I mean Kenan brought that idea to me. You know? [sobbing] I’m so honored. I’m so– I’m so blessed. Man! I’m sorry. Just give me a second, please.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Starling, we have got to get on with the show. This is the thing.

[cheers and applause]

Sterling K. Brown: Leslie Jones, everybody. Queen!

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that don’t work with me. I’m a grown ass woman. Um, Sterling, you gotta stop crying. You are ruining you for me.

Sterling K. Brown: Yeah. I know. I know. But Leslie, I just got to say, you are such an inspiration.

Leslie Jones: Okay.

Sterling K. Brown: I mean, just think of how far you’ve come.

Leslie Jones: Okay.

Sterling K. Brown: Ay! You know, you are the funniest person on this show!

Leslie Jones: [excited] I mean, that’s what I’ve been saying.

Sterling K. Brown: You the best!

Leslie Jones: You the best!

Sterling K. Brown: I promise I’ll keep it together, you know?

Leslie Jones: Yes! Keep it together.

Sterling K. Brown: Because we got a great show for you tonight! James Bay is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Black Panther New Scene

T’kana… Sterling K. Brown

T’Challa… Chris Brown

Oni… Leslie Jones

M’Butu… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with different comic clips of Black Panther]

Male voice: Black Panther. Now, Marvel Digital unleashes several deleted scenes. Our first find T’Challa on a spiritual journey to D’Jalia, the mystical realm of the ancestors. There he asks for wisdom to guide him in the impending war.

[Cut to T’Challa in D’Jalia. He is looking at the tree. T’kana walks in.]

T’kana: Welcome my son.

T’Challa: Who are you?

T’kana: Do you not know? I am T’kana, your great, great grandfather.

T’Challa: But you’ve been dead for decades.

T’kana: Ha-ha-ha. Only my body has gone. My spirit lives here as do all the ancestors.

[Oni walks in]

Oni: As will your’s someday.

T’Challa: Great aunt Oni?

Oni: Yes, nephew. We are all here. Every relative you have ever known. The royal bloodline stretching through all of time. Even those who married into it.

[There are other relatives who are in line. Then there’s M’Butu who is making barbecue.]

M’Butu: Alright, who wants some burger? Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, they’r gonna be ready in about two to three minutes now.

T’Challa: Uncle M’Butu.

M’Butu: T’Challa? Boy, I’ve seen you in a long time. What’s happening? Ay! Ay! Ay! Junior, you gotta take their plate at your lip if you gonna go swimming. That’s how you get the swamp mouth.

T’Challa: But I thought you were alive.

M’Butu: Oh, well, yeah, I was up until about two, three days ago, man. You now how my old lady’s one of them bald warrior women who guard the king?

T’Challa: Yes.

M’Butu: You know, the Dora Milage. Yeah, well, the other night I simply suggested maybe she wear a wig. You know? Just to be playful. I said, “Damn, woman. I’m tired of making love to Michael Jordan.” That’s the last thing I remember. Ha-ha. And now I’m here in what I guess is heaven. But I got one question for y’all. Where’s the weed at?

Oni: I told you, there is no weed.

M’Butu: Oh, you hiding it, huh? Um-umm.

T’kana: Uncle M’Butu is still adjusting. You can’t pick your family.

M’Butu: Yeah. T’Challa, look here. My bank account is running a little low right now. Can you spot me a little vibranium? Come on, man. I need a new ride. Everybody here is riding a war rhino. You know what I got? An ostrich.

T’Challa: I have no possession on this spiritual plain.

M’Butu: Oh. That’s right. I forgot about that. Man, what time of day is it? Man, I can’t tell. Everything is purple. Ha-ha.

T’Challa: [to T’kana] All of you live here in harmony together?

Oni: We do our best.

T’Challa: Often, we take the form of a spirit animal. I am a panther.

Oni: And I am a panther.

M’Butu: Yeah. For some reason, I’m a warthog. Probably coz I’m round and I’m friendly. And every now and then I eat a little trash. [M’Butu is holding a burger] Somebody have one of these burgers, man. T’kana, come on.

T’kana: No, thank you.

M’Butu: Come on, man. You don’t never eat my cooking. This here is lion’s meat. The goo stuff. Check this here out. [M’Butu hold the burger like the monkey holds Simba in Lion King.] [singing Lion King song.]

[After a moment, M’Butu takes a bite.]

Yeah, that’s still frozen. Um-hmm.

Oni: Uncle M’Butu! Please, T’Challa. What is your concern?

T’Challa: I am much troubled. Wakanda is in the verge of civil war. The Jubari are preparing to attack from the mountains. I am considering my first strike.

T’kana: My son, the Jubari are proud people. If you approach them with respect, they will return it.

M’Butu: Shh! Not likely! Ha-ha. Let me tell you something about the mountain folks, man. They are sneaky. And they all smell like goat milk.

T’kana: Um, M’Butu, thank you. I’m so glad I get to spend eternity with you together. Um, T’Challa, know this, for all of history there has been war. But only once in a while in a generation are there men who will come together– [M’Butu puts the burger in T’kana’s mouth] No! No, thank you.

M’Butu: You wanna taste it?

T’kana: No, thank you. Once in a generation, there are men who are committed–

M’Butu: [putting burger in T’kana’s mouth again] This is baby lion.

T’kana: I said no. No. Committed to peace.

M’Butu: Come on. Try a little bit. [M’Butu rubs the burger all over T’kana’s mouth.]

T’kana: I don’t want it!

M’Butu: I’m sorry, man. I’ll back off. But hey, T’Challa, stick around, man. You know what happens when you go away. We just sit here. Yeah. They all turn into panthers. I turn into a warthog again. And then they all start hunting me, man, because all they see is bacon. It’s hard. Help me out. Just for the weekend.

T’Challa: Oh! Here, have a komoyo bead.

M’Butu: Oh! That’s nice. Yeah. That’s real nice. You know, two would be nicer.

T’Challa: No

M’Butu: Alright. Well, you alright with me, T’Challa. Come on, y’all, let’s party, man! Somebody play my music.

[music playing. The other relatives come close to the barbecue and start dancing with M’Butu.]

T’Challa: [to T’kana] Perhaps, I should return to seek guidance for my people.

T’kana: No. Stay. He’s worse when he’s a warthog.

M’Butu: Man, for real. What time of day is it? I don’t know.

 

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on the 2018 Winter Olympics

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Hilary Knight

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?

Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–

Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.

Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: Whatever.

Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.

Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.

Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”

Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.

Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?

Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?

Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.

[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.]

[cheers and applause]

Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!

Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.

Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.

[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.

Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Get it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.

Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.

Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: That’s right.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.

Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch!

[Leslie Jones laughing hard]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Stranger Things 3

11… Natalie Portman

Mike… Mikey Day

14… Beck Bennett

9… Cecily Strong

5.. Pete Davidson

Luke Null

18… Aidy Bryant

50… Leslie Jones

3… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Stranger Things 3 video bumper]

[Cut to 11 and Mike walking in a room]

11: Come on, Mike. It’s safe in here.

Mike: But El, what is this place?

11: Mama said there would be others here like me. That’s what mama said.

Mike: So, like, your mom?

11: No. Mama.

Mike: Oh, hey, while we’re waiting, do you want to do those kisses? Like, from season 2?

11: This doesn’t seem like the time, Mike.

Mike: Yeah, totally. I was thinking we should wait too. I’m not like, crazy horny or anything. Oh, look out!

[There’s 14 pointing a gun at them. He has long brown hair and he is wearing a leather jacket.]

14: Don’t move!

[11 uses her power to take the gun away from 14. Her nose is bleeding.]

Mike: Whoa! So, cool. Should we celebrate? Like, with a kiss or some over the jeans stuff?

11: Mike, not now.

[14 walks near 11]

Who are you?

14: I’m special, like you.

11: I’m 11. [showing her mark on her hand] I can move objects with my mind but it gives me tiny nose bleeds.

14: I’m 14. [showing his mark on his hand] I can start fires with my mind but every time I do, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. Watch! [14 pulls out a candle and lights it just looking at it. As soon as there’s a spark, 14 pukes in his mouth.]

11: Mama was right. There are more like me than I thought.

Mike: It must be so disorienting. Should we kiss?

[9 walks in. She has punk hair.]

9: There are lot more like you. I’m 9. I can read people’s minds but if I do, it makes me fart.

11: Oh, really? Well, then what am I thinking now?

9: [looking at 11] You’re worried that I’m gonna fart. [farts loud]

[5 walks in. He has blonde long hair.]

5: And I’m 5. I could run really fast like the flash but every time I do, I get a boner. So, I have to stop running to hide the boner. It’s not a good power. I’ve been kicked out the track team twice. But um– Oh, hey, it looks like your friend Mike has the same power.

[Mike hides his boner]

Mike: What? No!

11: Mike!

Mike: What? It’s not. No! That’s a flashlight in case we get lost.

9: Someone’s lying. [farts loud]

11: What sick twisted mad man created us?

[There’s Luke standing in the dark folding his hands.]

Luke: I don’t know. But when we find him, he’s gonna have to deal with me.

11: What’s to you do?

Luke: Oh, I make fantastic chilly but the only downside is my brain starts bleeding.

11: Okay, we don’t need to see that.

[Luke is near a stove, where there are utensils. He starts cooking and crying. His head is bleeding.]

Luke: [groaning] Chilly’s done!

[18 comes in]

18: I’ll take some of that.

11: Wait, who are you?

18: Well, I’m 18. My power is I can do a pretty good Borat impression. But if I do it, then I go into a coma for 2 days.

11: Oh, well, then you don’t need to do that impressoin.

18: Are you sure? It’s pretty good.

Mike: Well, I mean, now I kind of want to see it.

18: Yeah, you made the right choice. [doing Borat impression] My wife! [18 falls down immediately]

Mike: These people… These people might be scarier than the shadow monster.

9: Hey, careful who you judge. [farts loud]

11: Get out of our heads!

9: Oh, no, no, no. That was just a regular one. I’m sorry. I have unrelated IBS.

[50 walks in. She has orange hair.]

50: And I’m 50.

11: What? What’s your power?

50: I’m just 50 years old. I have good credit. I own my own condo. And I can leg-press 375. So take that, you dumb kids. [50 walks away. She takes the pot where Luke cooks the chilly.] And I’m taking this chilly. Ou, it’s hot!

11: I want all of you to come with me. Alone, you’re freaks. But together, we’re family. And we can defeat the shadow monster once and for all.

[3 walks in. He has white hair.]

3: Well, count me in. I’m 3. And my power is I’m good at thinking of ways to end sketches.

11: Then how should this one end?

[3 puts his eyeballs together in the middle, puts his fingers in his mind.]

3: [fast] Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

[Cut to Stranger Things 3 video bumper.]

Natalie Portman Announcer Monologue

Natalie Portman

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natalie Portman.

[Natalie Portman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Natalie Portman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so crazy to be back. The last time I hosted, it was in 2006. Back then, I was promoting “V for Vendetta.” And now, the whole country is promoting “V for Vendetta.” And this is the last SNL before the Winter Olympic starts next week. Isn’t that exciting? [cheers and applause] Because NBC sure keeps telling me that it’s exciting.

[Winter Olympics jingle plays. There’s a small commercial ad at left bottom corner of the screen.]

Alright. Very shuttle, guys.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon in their Winter Olympics reporter’s set. They’re talking about Natalie Portman’s monologue like it’s a sport.]

Kenan Thompson: Okay. And Natalie has just completed the short program of her monologue.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right, Kenan. She started off with a charming intro and then transitioned into a light political joke.

Kenan Thompson: That’s a tough combination to pull off, but she had done it marvelously.

Kate McKinnon: She sure has. And I- I’ve seen a lot of hosts who could not.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeah? Like, who?

Kate McKinnon: I’d rather not say. Let’s see what Natalie has in store next.

[Cut to Natalie Portman in SNL stage]

Natalie Portman: So, I’m a mom now. And my six year old son actually wrote a joke for my monologue. So, okay, here it is. What’s the funniest letter in the alphabet? It’s P. Get it? Pee? You know what? It might be funnier he said it.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Ooh! A little stumble there.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. That was– that was supposed to be a double joke joke into a triple applause break. I wonder what happened. I’m being told that joke was actually written by a 32 year old writer who went to Yale. Yes. Yes.

Kenan Thompson: Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. She is acting like she’s in a slow motion video.]

Natalie Portman: It’s P. Get it?

Kate McKinnon: Okay, pause it right there.

[Natalie Portman stops moving.]

Yeah. You can tell that she’s very nervous about this one, Kenan. Lot of flop sweats here [circling her forehead] and here.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. And let’s go ahead and check out band leader Lenny Pickett reacting to that joke.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett in the band]

Lenny: Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. He is not into it at all.

Kate McKinnon: No, he is not. And Lenny’s usually a big laugher.

Kenan Thompson: And now, he’s just visibly swiping through Tinder.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett. He is swiping rights on his phone.]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Ooh. Yeah. Completely checked out, Kenan. Well, we go now to our field correspondent, Leslie Jones, who is heading to the Olympics next week and she is standing by the stage right now.

[Cut to Leslie Jones standing by the stage, reporting to them]

Leslie Jones: Thank you. I’m down here at the monologue stage, and well, it’s not good. [Natalie Portman is peeking at the camera from behind] I don’t know why they make these tiny white actresses do standup comedy?

Natalie Portman: Leslie, you’re kind of blocking me.

[Leslie Jones looks behind.]

Leslie Jones: Hey, girl. You are killing it right now. [looks back at the camera] She is not killing it. Also, speaking of me going to the Olympics, did you know that North Korea is really close to South Korea? Um, why did no one explain that to me? I do not want to go now.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And thank you, Leslie Jones. [cheers and applause] Okay. We go back live to Natalie Portman who is ready for her big finish.

[Cut to Natalie Portman]

Natalie Portman: And I have to ask you guys something. Does anyone here like New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And she has landed it.

Kate McKinnon: She mentioned New York City and people were like, “Hey, that’s where we are!”

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. An incredible comeback for Portman.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. Leslie Jones is jumping around her with a rose bouquet in her hands.]

Leslie Jones: Haa-haa! I believed in you, girl. You are the real Tonya Harding, baby! Yes! Whooo!

Natalie Portman: We’ve got a great show. Dua Lipa’s here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

First Lady

Melissa Villaseñor

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Jackie Kennedy… Natalia Portman

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Martha Washington… Aidy Bryant

Michelle Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Melissa calling Melania Trump in the White House during the night of the State of the Union]

Melissa: Excuse me, Mrs. Trump. The president’s motorcade is ready to take you to the State of the Union. Are you coming?

Melania Trump: Ah! Tell them I’ll take the next car. [Melissa leaves] Oh! How will I ever get through this State of Union? Oh, come on, Melania. Practice your happy face. [Melania Trump smiles] Oh! I don’t belong as first lady. [There is still Michelle Obama’s picture on the wall] I wish I could talk to someone who has been through this whole mess before.

[smoke appears. Jackie Kennedy walks out of the smoke]

Jackie Kennedy: Hello, Melania. It’s me, Jackie Kennedy.

Melania Trump: Oh! Jackie O’s?

Jackie Kennedy: I’ve come to you in your hour of need because I know how very tiring being a first lady can be.

Melania Trump: Yes. Thank you, Jackie O’s. But tell me, how can I be good first lady when Donald make it so hard?

Jackie Kennedy: All first ladies have a platform. Your’s is bullying. Mine was little hats. Your approval ratings is through the rough.

Melania Trump: Yes. Yes. People like me because they’re like, “That lady look how I feel.”

Jackie Kennedy: You’re not the only first lady whose husband had affairs. Jack cheated on me with Marilyn Monroe.

Melania Trump: Oh, please! She was in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Donald’s girl was in “Guys Like It Shaved.” Oh, Jackie O’s, no first lady has ever been more humiliated than me.

[The bookshelf behind Melania Trump turns around. Smoke appears. Hillary Clinton comes out of the smoke.]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.

Melania Trump: Hillary Clinton? Oh! The world knew all your secrets. How did you survive being first lady?

Hillary Clinton: Well, you just tell yourself it’ll all be worth it when you’re president. Ha-ha-ha.

Melania Trump: But you lost.

Hillary Clinton: I know. I was there. But you know, I see you’re wearing white to the State of the Union. Is that a subtle nod to the suffer jets or times up?

Melania Trump: No. It’s just co-inky-dink. [Melania Trump winks at the camera]

Hillary Clinton: Look, Melania, I feel your pain. But you married him. Like America, you had a choice. So, don’t choose to eat 7-Eleven sushi and then come to me saying, “Oh-oh! Something’s wrong.”

[smoke appears outside of the window where Martha Washington is standing]

Martha Washington: Greetings first ladies. It is I, Martha Washington.

Jackie Kennedy: Martha? You materialized in the garden.

Martha Washington: Oh! Bees and bonnets. Give me one second.

[Martha Washington breaks the window with an exe and comes in through.]

Okay. Girls, what’s shaking?

Melania Trump: Oh! Martha! I can’t do this tonight, you know? Maybe I don’t go to speech.

Martha Washington: Oh, Melania. You have to. Your job is to be your husband’s confidant.

Melania Trump: Ivanka does that.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, to host foreign dignitaries.

Melania Trump: No, that’s Ivanka. Yeah.

Martha Washington: To be the beautiful woman on his arm.

Melania Trump: Yeah, that’s Ivanka’s territory.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, fine. Maybe being first lady just means being with someone you don’t really like who doesn’t treat you very well.

[Michelle Obama walks out of the photo]

Michelle Obama: Speak for yourself, Martha!

Melania Trump: Michelle Obama? I can’t believe. You come to give me advice?

Michelle Obama: Me neither. But look, Barack and I have a perfect relationship. It’s like “The Notebook”, but black and rich.

Hillary Clinton: That’s right Michelle, but it’s not helpful.

Michelle Obama: Whatever. My arms rule. I love vegetables and I can be president whenever I want.

Martha Washington: Well, we are all with you, Melania.

Jackie Kennedy: Now, get out there and do what first ladies have always done. Stand there and clap.

Melania Trump: Okay. But, sometimes I’m going to sit down and not clap.

All: Woo-hoo! Yes.

Melania Trump: Okay. I go. Goodnight, ghosts.

[Melania Trump walks out]

Hillary Clinton: Alright, ladies. What now? Should we steal some stuff?

Michelle Obama: Definitely!

Martha Washington: Oh, yeah.

[The End]

George W. Bush Returns Cold Open

George W. Bush… Will Farrell

Constance L. Rice… Leslie Jones

[Starts with George W. Bush in White House.]

Male voice: And now, a message from the former president of the United States.

George W. Bush: Good evening. Thank you. It is I, George W. Bush. And you remember, the W stands for “Whats up?” I know what you’re thinking. What the heck is this handsome devil doing back in the Oval Office? Well, the truth is this is just a set. I had it built in my basement in Texas so I could pretend to still be president sometimes. You know, the way a cop might retire but he still fires his gun into the woods behind his house. These are my woods. And this is my gun. [George W. Bush pulls out a plastic water gun.] Yeah. I’ve been trying to drink more water and this makes it fun.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve read the news lately. I certainly have not. I’ve been too busy doing oil paintings. Actually, getting my MFA from the University of Phoenix online. And yeah, it’s paying off. Big time. I call this one, [George W. Bush pulls out a painting where a dog is kept in the hot air balloon] Doggie goes to space. Like I was saying, I don’t know if you’ve seen the news, but according to a new poll, my approval rating is at an all time high. That’s right. Donnie cute Trump came in and suddenly I’m looking pretty sweet by comparison. At this rate, I might even end up in Mt. Rushmore right next to Washington, Lincoln, and I wanna say Kenjington. I don’t know. But the point is I’m suddenly popular AF. And a lot of people are saying, “Man, I wish George W. Bush was still our president right about now.” So, I just wanted to address my fellow Americans tonight and remind you guys that I was really bad. Like, historically not good. So, I get why you don’t like this current guy. Heck, I voted for Jill Stein all the way. But please, do not look back at presidency and think, [singing] “This is how we do it.” Don’t forget we’re still in two different wars that I started.

Hey, what has two thumbs and created ISIS? [pointing at himself with his two thumbs] This guy. And hey, at least stock market’s doing well now. You ever seen a graph of the stock market during my presidency? It’s the only graph that comes with it’s own slide whistle sound effect. Take a look.

[George W. Bush shows a graph of Stock market during his presidency. The economic trend is shown falling vastly. The sound effect of falling down in cartoons play.]

Stock market’s at 26,000 right now. I had you guys down to a cook 8k. Now, I’m not economer, but even I know that was no boino. And you wanna compare VPs for a sec? I’ve heard some complaints about Mike Pence. But if you have to stuff all chain he was up to, you’d take no cakes for days in a heartbeat. Some say Mike Pence is heartless. But remember, Dick Cheney was literally heartless. At this point, it’s just legos in there. You know? And Donald Trump thinks the media hates him? One time in a rocky, a reporter threw an actual shoe at me. He took it office foot, lobbed straight at my noggin. Then he gathered himself, took off the other one and tried it again. But you know what they say. “Shoe me once, shoe’s on you. Shoe me twice, I’m keeping those shoes.”

[cheers and applause]

You know, I feel for Donny. I really do. I’m not a Trump synthesizer or anything, but we have a lot in common. We’re both exact same age even though I was president like, 40 years ago. We’ve both won the election despite losing the popular vote. Though, back in my days, we didn’t let Russians rig our elections. We used the supreme court like Americans. I guess the biggest difference between me and Trump is that I have friends. People actually like me. I mean, have you read this new book Fire And Furbies? Everyone in his own cabinet hates him. I still hang out with my cabinet all the time.

[Constance L. Rice walks in. She has a bag of popcorn in her hand]

Constance L. Rice: Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Oh, hey, Connie Rice? What are you doing here? [cheers and applause] What are you doing here, huh?

Constance L. Rice: I brought pop corn. I thought we could watch our favorite movie again.

George W. Bush: Oh, hell yes. Minions. Can you believe, it got snubbed with Oscars again?

Constance L. Rice: Did I interrupt something?

George W. Bush: No, no, no. I was just addressing my fellow Americans on Twitch and reminiscing about the good old days when we were in charge.

Constance L. Rice: Ah! Yes! Those were the days.

[music playing]

George W. Bush: [singing] Boy, the way the game was played

Constance L. Rice: Everybody knew their place

George W. Bush: Cheney shot a guy in the face

George W. Bush and Constance L. Rice: Those were the days.

Constance L. Rice: He housing market went to hell

George W. Bush: Nazi kept it to themselves

George W. Bush and Constance L. Rice: Bin Laden was alive and well
Those were the days.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.