Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Lester Holt… Michael Che
Paul Ryan… Mikey day
[Starts with message video]Male voice: We now return to NBC ‘Nightly News’ and part two of Lester Holt’s interview with president Donald J. Trump.
[Cut to Donald Trump and Lester Holt in the interview.]Lester Holt: Hello, Mr. President. I know you’re a busy man, so, thank you for being here.
Donald Trump: Thank you for having me here, Jazz Man. Before we begin, I just need to know that I have your undying loyalty.
Lester Holt: You don’t, sir. Now, let’s get started. Clearly, the big story this week is James Comey.
Donald Trump: Okay, well first, all I can just say is that I won the election fair and square, and everyone knows that.
Lester Holt: Yes, Mr. President, you say that literally all the time.
Donald Trump: It’s one of my greatest hits and my fans love when I play the hits. It’s like when you go to a Beyoncé concert, they just wanna hear ‘Single Ladies.’ They wanna hear only ‘Single Ladies’, not that ‘Sandcastles’ crap. Okay?
Lester Holt: Okay, sir. But, back to James Comey. Your staff is insisting all week that you didn’t fire him because of the Russian investigation.
Donald Trump: No, I did.
Lester Holt: Wait, what?
Donald Trump: I fired him because of Russia. I thought, “He is investigating Russia. I don’t like that, I should fire him.”
Lester Holt: And you are just admitting that?
Donald Trump: Uh-huh.
Lester Holt: But that’s obstruction of justice.
Donald Trump: Sure. Okay.
Lester Holt: Wait, so, [talking to his team] did I get him? Is this all over? Oh, no I didn’t? Nothing matters? Absolutely nothing matters anymore?
Donald Trump: That’s right. Nothing’s going to stop me because I have the republicans in the palm of my hand. Look at this.
[Donald Trump rings a small bell] [Paul Ryan enters in a chef dress]Paul Ryan: You called for ice cream, sir. Here’s two scoops.
[Paul Ryan passes a plate of ice cream to Donald Trump]Lester Holt: Paul Ryan?
Paul Ryan: Yes, sir. I am so excited to be working with president Trump on an agenda that benefits–
Donald Trump: [interrupting] Beat it, nerd. Just get the hell out of here, okay?
Paul Ryan: Whatever you say, Mr. Trump. He feeds me dog food.
[Paul Ryan leaves]Lester Holt: Mr. President, let’s move on. After this week, many are drawing comparisons between you and Richard Nixon.
Donald Trump: No, no. I am nothing like Nixon because I am not a crook. Okay? Plus, I bet Nixon only got one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I get two scoops. Two scoops. Two scoops, okay?
Lester Holt: Of course, Mr. President. You are also very different from Nixon because he won the popular vote.
Donald Trump: Listen, O.J., you are being very mean. You don’t ask me about all the good things I did this week. For example, on Tuesday, I let Kellyanne out of her Crypt. Also, I invented a new phrase. Have you heard it? It’s called ‘Priming the pump.’
Lester Holt: You didn’t invent that, sir. That’s a very famous economic phrase.
Donald Trump: No, it’s not. It’s when I talk to myself about a half hour before Melania comes in so she can find it easily. Okay?
Lester Holt: [disgusted] Ew! That is not what ‘Priming the Pump’ means. And you have just earned yourself and Anderson Cooper eye roll. Andy, take it away.
[Anderson Cooper appears in a small box at left bottom corner of the screen. He does the eye roll.]Thanks Coop. Now, Mr. President, on Thursday you tweeted that James Comey better hope you don’t have tapes of your private conversation. Did you secretly tape him?
Donald Trump: Listen, Kenan, I don’t know. Practically, I tape a lot of people. I tape whoever I want, whatever I want. Some people have called me a serial tapist. And it’s sure, I am. When you’re president, they let you do it.
Lester Holt: Okay, moving on. A lot of people are worried about who you will replace James Comey with at FBI. Can you reassure us all that you’re not gonna pick someone crazy like judge Judy?
Donald Trump: I can promise you this right now, whoever I choose is going to be so bonkers, you’re gonna wish like it was Judge Judy, okay?
Lester Holt: Okay, Mr. Trump, are you trolling us? Because this week, you also met with the Russian Ambassador in the oval office. You must have known the optics that would be terrible.
Donald Trump: Come on! Do you think I care about optics? Look at me. I sit on every chair like it’s a toilet. Okay?
Lester Holt: It’s a good point, sir. But in the future, can you stop and think about the optics? Because every single day, it’s something nuts. Your presidency is like the craziest show on TV and it’s on 24 hours a day, and we can’t keep up.
Donald Trump: Well, too bad because this show is gonna run for eight years. Okay? Even though it should have been canceled months ago, but don’t worry. We have plenty of fun plot twists coming up. A lot of your favorite characters will be coming back. Kim Jung-Un, Carter Page, even that psycho Steve Miller, okay? Also, I don’t want to give away too much. But in an up coming episode, we will find it if Kellyanne has been dead this whole time. Okay?
Lester Holt: Well, thank you for being here sir. On behalf of every, I just wanna say I can’t believe you are president.
Donald Trump: I feel you, Tupac. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.