Golden Globes

Kevin… Adam Driver

Vanessa Bayer

Cody… Kyle Mooney

Madison… Kate McKinnon

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with Kevin and Vanessa receiving the Oscar Award]

Kevin: Dreamworks, this was your vision.

Vanessa: And thank you to Debbie Liberman and the whole team at CAA. And oh, and to this wonderful man beside me. My writing partner and my husband. Kevin, you are my rock.

Kevin: And of course to our two beautiful children, Cody and Madison, mommy and daddy did it!

Vanessa: And if you’re watching this, go to bed.

[Cut to Cody and Madison watching the Oscars on TV]

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed.

Madison: I’m not tired.

[Cody turns off the TV and lights] [Cody and Madison are brushing teeth] [Cody and Madison are praying]

Cody: Dear lord. Thank you for giving mommy and daddy a Golden Globe.

Madison: And please watch over us until they get home.

Cody: Amen.

[Cody tucking Madison inside the bed]

Madison: But we didn’t get our story.

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed right now.

[Cody and Madison are on their beds staring at the ceiling]

Madison: Are you awake?

Cody: Yeah.

Madison: Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us?

Cody: I know they are.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party looking at their awards.]

Kevin: We won freaking Golden Globes.

Vanessa: This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[Cut to Cody and Madison]

Madison: Mom looked pretty when she left. Do you think she’s ever gonna come back?

Cody: Yes, of course. [whispering] I don’t know.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party]

Kevin: I just turned next to Leo at the urinal. I saw his whole [bleep]. It’s huge!

Vanessa: I knew it. This whole night is so amazing.

[Cut to Cody and Madison sleeping. They wake by the owl’s noise.]

Madison: What is that?

Cody: It’s probably nothing.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party. Vanessa is sniffing cocaine and Kevin is imitating the award as it’s his penis.] [Cut to Cody and Madison waiting at home awake] [Cut to Kevin and Vanessa getting to another party where security stops them]

Security: Guys, guys, guys. Stars only.

Kevin: [bleep] you man! Don’t push my wife.

Vanessa: Be a man for once Kevin. Hit him.

Security: You don’t wanna hit me sir.

Kevin: Hold on to your hats. You’re about to get pounded.

[Kevin jumps on security] [Cut to Cody. He looks at time and it’s 5 in the morning.] [Cut to the security chasing Kevin and Vanessa] [Kevin and Vanessa run. Vanessa falls down.] [Kevin looks at Vanessa, turns around and runs.] [Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Hey! Come back here!

[Cut to Cody and Madison in the morning. They wake up and go downstairs looking for their parents. The award is broken on the floor.]

Cody: Look, I told you they’d come back.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa sleeping on the couch. They look hammered.] [Cut to Liev Schreiber making breakfast at the kitchen]

Leiv: You kids like eggs? Good! Me too. Your parents are very cool people. Very cool. We had a good cool time. You kids can dress yourselves for school, right?

Cody and Madison: Um-hmm.

[Leiv starts making eggs and Cody and Madison go to get ready for school] [Cut to Cody and Madison at the stairs]

Cody: I hate the Globes.

Madison: I love you big brother.

Cody: I love you too.

[The End]

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House] [Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone] [Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.] [Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.