WWII Scene

Sargent… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Donny… Kenan Thompson

Brooklyn… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

[Starts with A Degree of Valor intro]

Announcer: We now return to the World War II classic, A degree of Valor

[Cut to black and white video of a war]

Sargent: Fall back men, the Germans have us surrounded.

Donny: You got it, sarge.

[Everyone falls back but Brooklyn walks right in.]

Sargent: Brooklyn, I said fall back. That’s forward.

Brooklyn: What?

Sargent: Brooklyn!

[Brooklyn gets hit]

Brooklyn: Ah! Sarge, they got me.

Sargent: Hang on son. We’re gonna get you out of here. [calling for help] Medic!

Brooklyn: No Sarge, it’s too late.

Sargent: Don’t talk like that. You’re gonna be fine.

Brooklyn: No. No. Listen, I gotta ask you for a favor.

Sargent: Sure Brooklyn. What is it?

Brooklyn: When I’m gone, I need you to go to my house and find my girl and tell her that I loved her, even though she was a Sox fan.

Sargent: Okay Brooklyn, I promise I’ll tell her the first chance I get.

Brooklyn: And then once you go and tell her that, make some excuse to go up to my garage.

Sargent: The garage?

Brooklyn: Yeah. There’s something there I need you to find. It’s a– It’s a toy for the butt.

Sargent: A what for the butt?

Brooklyn: Just like a fun thing for the butt.

Sargent: Youre not making any sense, son.

[Cut to Donny and Bobby]

Donny: He’s talking about butt-plug, sir.

Bobby: Yeah, like the ones we saw in Paris. Right?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Yeah.

Bobby: The pointed ones? Yeah.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: I’d hate for my girlfriend to find it. She just wouldn’t understand.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I get that.

[cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: Yeah, and don’t worry, I never used it though. I was too afraid.

Sargent: Okay, I’ll try son. I’ll try.

Brooklyn: Don’t try. Do it. Find my butt plug. Okay? The box has a picture of a man smiling.

Sargent: Okay, I’ll look for that. Now just try to rest. Let’s not talk about any of that anymore.

Brooklyn: Wait. There’s something else I need you to get rid of. It’s a notebook full of boogie woogie songs that I wrote. They’re just too embarrassing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I mean, worse than the butt plug?

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: Well, one goes like this.

[singing] Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz
spread it thick as tuna tonight

now we’re eating Jazz

Sargent: Okay Brookly, I’ll destroy it for you.

Brooklyn: Unless you think it is good, then try to publish it.

Sargent: I’ll destroy it for you.

[Cut to Donny]

Donny: Yeah, I don’t know. I think people might dance to that.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: You do? Thanks Donny. I’m gonna miss you the most.

[Cut to Donny]

Donny: Oh, come on! Don’t make me cry now.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: The butt plug is bigger than you’d expect. Just be ready for that.

Sargent: That’s fine. That’s fine.

Brooklyn: It was an ego thing. I just wanted to challenge myself.

Sargent: Okay. How much more life do you have in you do you think?

Brooklyn: [coughing] Enough to ask you one more favor. Get rid of all the photos of me being sassy.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Sassy? What’s that?

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: You know, sassy. It’s kind of like, being like– [Brooklyn pouts his lips and snaps his fingers and raises his hand] You know, or being like judging some people’s clothes. Or one like this. [Brooklyn pokes his cheek with his finger and pout his lips.]

Sargent: Okay, Brooklyn. Anything else?

[Brooklyn is not moving anymore] [Cut to everybody. Bobby looks at Brooklyn.]

Bobby: He is dead sir.

Beck: He died as he lived, sassy.

Sargent: Goodbye, Brooklyn. Your soul wasn’t bad.

[singing Brooklyn’s song]Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz

Everybody: Spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz

[Donny stands and dances slowly to the song]

Donny: See I told you you could dance to this.

[Donny gets hit]

Ah! I’m hit!

[The End]

Wells Fargo Wagon

Winthrop… Kyle Mooney

Mason… Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Sally… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

[Starts with The Music Man intro]

Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.

[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]

Winthrop: Mason! Mason!

Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.

Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?

Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.

[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]

Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!

Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.

[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]

Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]

Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me

Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street 

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

[Kate walks in]

Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday

Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos 

[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]

Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa

All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

Oh please let it be for me

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation

[Cut to all]

All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me

[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]

Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.

Winthrop: Our instruments.

Sally: Do you have my clarinet?

Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.

Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?

Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?

Winthrop: Winthrop.

Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?

Sally: Sally.

Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.

[He’s pointing at the mailbox]

Kate: That’s a mailbox!

[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]

Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?

Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?

[Cut to the children]

Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]

Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–

[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]

Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: No, they didn’t.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.

[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]

Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.

Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?

Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.

[music playing]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation

Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…

All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be

Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.

All: Just for me.

Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.

Substitute teacher

Leslie Jones

Dale Sweez… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with school bell ringing. Leslie enters the classroom.]

Leslie: Alright, alright. Settle down. [yelling] This class has already ran out of another teacher! So we got you a substitute today. Also, what is that smell in here? Your changing bodies are popping out so much sweat and now you trying to cover it up with Axe body spray? It’s not working! You stinking little hot pockets. Anyway, your substitute teacher is here, so shut up and listen to this dude.

[Dale Sweez walks in and Leslie leaves]

Dale Sweez: Wad up, fam? My name is Dale Sweez. You can call me Dale or you can call me Sweez. Let’s take the mister [pointing at Kenan] out of the picture.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey. Mikey is shaking his head.]

Kenan: [laughing] Oh, man! Not this guy.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Hey, let me ask you a question me ambre. You like hiphop? You like dope beats? Well, what if I told you that the greatest rapper of all time isn’t Tupac, isn’t Biggie, it’s actually–

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Shakespeare.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: It’s actually Shakespeare.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, dude. We know. You’re not the first well meaning sub to try and reach us through hiphop.

Kenan: Let me guess, you’re about to open your laptop and perform a rap version of “Hamlet’s to be or not to be”.

[Cut to Dale Sweez using his laptop]

Dale Sweez: What? No!

[“Hamlet’s to be or not to be” rap version plays on his laptop, but he immediately stops it.]

No, I wasn’t gonna do that.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, wow. You already recorded it. Very sad.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: This is actually mad inspiring. Coz I came in here thinking I was the teacher, but maybe you guys are gonna be the ones to…

[Cut to the students]

Students: To teach you.

Dale Sweez: Damn!

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, we’ve been through this so many times, man! There was that divorce lady who used hiphop to teach us poetry

[Cut to Pete and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah. And remember that white ballet dancer from last week?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Yeah. First we taught her hiphop. And then she taught us ballet, but for some reason she could only teach us ballet through hiphop.

Mikey: I would love just like a quiet math class.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Well, let me tell you my story. It just might surprise you.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Not… likely…

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: I went out to Hollywood, did the whole actor thing. I was out there for over seven weeks. You know how many parts I got? Zero. You know how many auditions I went on? Over four. One day I said to myself, “Wait a minute Dale, what if the greatest part in the greatest movie is Dale Sweez in a real life.”

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Cool, man. Before you even started talking, I wrote down “Went to Hollywood, failed hard.”

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Whoa! My man! You just put the whole system on trial. And so am I. We’re gonna watch a movie today. But not a movie for them. A movie for you.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Them? Who is them? And please be specific.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: A little movie called Straight Outta Compton.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: We’ve already watched that six times. I know it by heart.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Let’s start over. Seems like you B boys and home girls got it all figured out, right? What about you, slugger? You’ve been pretty quiet over there. [Dale Sweez walks to Melissa and patts her shoulder] Maybe you don’t want anyone to know that you can’t read.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You think she can’t read? This is an AP English class.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I am quiet because I’m stunned and embarrassed for you.

Students: Oh!

[Leslie enters]

Leslie: What the hell is going on here? Are you trying to touch a student?

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: I’m trying touch all these students. Wait!

Leslie: Man, get out of here.

[Cut to everybody]

Dale Sweez: I will get out and I’m taking my class with me. Follow me young scholars, to the field. Question everything.

[Dale Sweez walks out alone] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, that’s a hard pass.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: [yelling] And it still smells in here you little boogers!

Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro] [Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper] [Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped] [weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.] [Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly] [Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave] [Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

Pine Ridge Campground

Jeff… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Cecily Strong

Hector… Kyle Mooney

Patricia… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four people camping at Pine Ridge Campground. Jeff is playing guitar and Cecily is singing]

Cecily: [singing] How many roads must a man walk down
before you can call him a man

Jeff: Yes, and how many seas must a white dove sail
before she sleeps in the sand

Jeff and Cecily: The answer my friend is blowing in the wind
the answer is blowing in the wind.

[Hector and Patricia clapping]

Hector: Wow, amazing. Really special, guys. Do you actually play guitar?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Patricia: Okay, how about one more song?

Jeff: Um, it’s getting pretty late.

Hector: Oh, come on! You guy’s been entertaining us all night. Why don’t you let us sing one for you?

Jeff: Okay.

Patricia: Why not? Such a nice night.

[Hector and Patricia look at each other and start singing randomly.]

Hector and Patricia: Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back
C’mon before we crack
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

[Hector and Patricia clap for themselves]

Cecily: Wow.

Patricia: What a beautiful night. I’m so glad we could finally carve out some time to be together.

Jeff: We just met you an hour ago. You walked into our campsite and brought your own chairs. What are your names?

Hector: Oh, I’m Hector and this is my sister, Patricia.

Patricia: Yeah. We’re year rounders on site 71 over by the RV sink and shower waste.

Cecily: Did you say you’re brother and sister? You’ve been holding hands all night.

Patricia: Oh, it’s cold.

Hector: [yelling] Cold as hell.

Patricia: [laughing] So, okay, what did you guys think of that? Of our song?

Hector: We want honest criticism. Really.

Jeff: It sounded a little flat and you had no sense of how far away we are from you.

Cecily: Jeff, why are you–

Jeff: I don’t know. They asked.

Hector: [singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector: Babe, are we flat?

Cecily: Did he just– did he just call her babe?

Patricia: Okay, what are you hearing that isn’t working for you, Jeff? Can you just like, describe it?

Jeff: It almost sounds like you speak normally, but when you sing you have like, Eastern European accents. It sounds almost like…

[imitating how Hector and Patricia sing]

Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Maybe just try it normal like,

[singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Hector: Okay, okay. So, more like…

[yelling and singing] Loose, cut loose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: lease, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector and Patricia: Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

Cecily: Okay, I think we better head to bed. It was nice to meet you.

Patricia: Aw, is there time for one more song?

Cecily: Oh, I don’t think so.

Hector: [badly imitating Jack Nicholson] Well, how about a visit from good old Jack Nicholson?

Patricia: [badly imitating Dame Judy Dench] Or Dame Judy Dench?

Cecily: Hey, you’re doing impressions now? What are you doing? Okay, we’re gonna go to bed.

Jeff: Actually, if you guys were gonna sing another song though, what would it be?

Cecily: Jeff?

Jeff: I’m just curious.

Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Ride into the danger zone

Patricia: Oh, that was great baby.

[Hector and Patricia kiss]

Cecily: Okay, um, well goodnight.

Hector: And goodnight from the one and only Jack Nicholson, man.

Patricia: And Dame Judy–

Cecily: No, stop.

Jeff: That’s not Jack Nicholson. [imitating Jack Nicholson] This is Jack Nicholson.

Cecily: Honey? Oh, that’s bad too. Why are you participating in this?

Jeff: I like them.

[Cecily gets angry and leaves]

Jeff, Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Wanna take a ride into the danger zone

Lin-Manuel Miranda Monologue

Lin-Manuel Miranda

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is so great to be here in New York city. I’m first off long run performing in my Musical Hamilton which fortunately is one of the biggest hits ever on Broadway. That means most of you watching at home have no idea who I am. But if you get to New York, please come and see Hamilton. It’s such a nice escape from all the crazyness in our world right now. It’s about two famous politicians locked in a dirty, ugly, mud-slinging political campaign, escapism. Anyway, I can’t believe I’m up here right now. When I was just a kid growing up in Washington heights up in Manhattan, I dreamed about standing right here on this stage. And when I told people I was hosting SNL, they were all like, “Well, are you gonna do a song from Mahilton?” I was like, “No! Saturday Night Live. I wanna do all the SNL stuff. I wanna do all the stuff that SNL host gets to do.” You know, it takes 70 years to write a show. So I don’t know when I’m gonna be back here. So…

[music playing] [singing] I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
my name is Lin-Manuel Miranda, I am hosting SNL
and I am not throwing away my shot

I’ma go for both and do it all tonight
take a swing, pass for time, give me the ball tonight
I got a Tony and an Emmy and a Grammy yo!

But what I really want is famous person’s cameo

Damn yo! I’ma do a bunch of sketches, sometimes I’ll play the lead
give you what you need, doc the cue cards for me to read
yes indeed, tonight you’ll see me at my naughtiest and boldiest
and now I’m gonna walk into the audience

[Lin-Manuel Miranda jumps towards the audience. He has back up dancers dancing for him.]

Coz I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
This is my one big chance to bring on the dance
Coz I am not throwing away my shot

it’s time to take a shot
and yes, I’m right in my element,
who knew that Hamilton would be so topically relevant
the way these grand standing candidates be talking
they’re just a tweet away from facing off and we hawking
they keep balling, DARNC keep falling
I like it better when it’s Kate McKinnon V. Baldwin
Yeah, and so we thinking the plots, stering the pot
tonight I’m finally earning my spot
on this wall, in this hall and I’m getting a piece of it
like Miley, Tracy Morgan and this piece– [showing Donald Trump’s picture]

I’m never going to be president
I’m never going to be president
I’m never going to be president
I’m never going to be president

And I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Yo, election’s new cycles and time with Lorne Michaels
And I am not throwing away my shot

[Lin-Manuel Miranda runs into Lorne Michaels]

Lorne Michaels: Are you having a good time?

Lin-Manuel Miranda: I’m having the time of my life, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Great. Any word on those Hamilton tickets?

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll see what I can do. No promises though.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda walks away]

Lorne Michaels: I can do a Matinee.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Yeah.

But seriously guys, since I was five I decided
to keep my eyes open wide waiting for Saturday Night Live
Breathe, savor it, own it,

I swear to god if I’m hosting I’m making the most of this moment
Tonight I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
and as long as I remember to vote this November
I am not throwing away my shot

We got a great show. 21 Pilots is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.


Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton] [Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage] [Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]


Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter] [Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper] [Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper] [Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren:  Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing] [Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.] [Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper] [Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson] [Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands] [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.