Tag: Linda

Couple Goals

Bob Dabilda… James Austin Johnson

Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Mia… Quinta Brunson

John… Michael Longfellow

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Announcer: It’s time for ‘Couple Goals’ with your host, Bob Dabilda.

Bob Dabilda: Welcome to ‘Couple Goals’, the game where married couples find out just how well they know each other. Let’s meet today’s contestants. They recently celebrated their 10 year anniversary. It’s Thomas and Mia Anderson.

And they lived across from each other during the pandemic and now they’re married, it’s John and Linda Cronin.

Alright, let’s get started. As you know, your spouse has answered a series of questions before the show and it’s up to you to guess what they said. Question one. What is your wife’s favorite food. Thomas?

Thomas: Oh, come on now, Bob. That’s easy. She’s the queen of burgers.

Bob Dabilda: Sounds pretty confident. Let’s see what Mia said.

Mia: Burgers. I’m the burger queen.

Bob Dabilda: Alright. The Andersons are on the board. Let’s go to the Cronins. John.

John: I’m gonna go with my gut here and say grapes.

Linda: Oh no. I said fish sticks. You’ll get them next time, babe.

Bob Dabilda: All right, question two. What is your husband’s greatest fear?

Mia: I’ve seen this man in the garage. And trust me, the answer is spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Aright, Mia says spiders and Tom has said his greatest fear is… that you’ll fall down the stairs and get hurt so bad that I have to give up my dreams and spend the rest of my life caring for you. Wow. No points on that one.

Mia: That’s your biggest fear?

Thomas: Spiders. Yeah. I should have said spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Okay, moving on with the Cronins. Linda, what is your husband’s greatest fear?

Linda: Oh, I got this. It’s airplanes.

John: No, honey, it’s snakes. Remember?

Linda: Oh, so close.

John: Was it though? Was it?

Bob Dabilda: Okay Anderson’s, next question. What’s something you do in bed that your husband does not like? Mia.

Mia: Well, this is embarrassing. But I’ll say it kiss him before brushing my teeth.

Bob Dabilda: And Tom is sad – Sleep too close to the edge.

Mia: Thomas, you think I’m gonna fall out of bed and break my neck?

Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Ay, what’s the next question, man?

Bob Dabilda: Over to Linda, what’s one thing you do in bed that your husband does not like?

Linda: I’d have to say get on top.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. And John said –

John: Hog the sheets, babe.

Bob Dabilda: Once again, the Cronins are not remotely on the same page. Next question for the Andersons. What was your biggest fight about?

Thomas: Oh, I know this one. That would be the basketball game incident.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. Thomas says the basketball game incident and Mia says – the time I hit a half court shot at a basketball game and they gave me free rock climbing lessons for life. And you ran out and ripped up the certificate in front of the whole stadium. Five points to the Andersons.

Thomas: We run away with now, huh baby?

Bob Dabilda: Okay, folks, that sound means it’s time for a bonus question. This one’s for you, Mia. Who has had the biggest influence on your husband’s life?

Mia: His father?

Thomas: Yeah. My dad. And my parents are actually here today. How am I doing Dad?

Dad: You’re doing great son.

[His mother is looking at him disappointed]

Bob Dabilda: Back to Linda. What is your husband’s dream vacation?

Linda: I don’t know. Snake world.

John: Yeah, yeah, it’s snake world. No, you idiot. I just said I don’t like snakes.

Bob Dabilda: Calling your spouse an idiot and you lose a turn. All right. Mia, what’s your husband’s dream vacation?

Mia: At this point, who knows? But he always said Aruba.

Thomas: Yes. Yes baby.

Mia: Alright, finally. There’s the man I married.

Bob Dabilda: Uh-huh. And what’s that little asterix?

Thomas: Oh, that’s just this.

Bob Dabilda: As long as you’re still healthy. If not then Big Sur with your sister. After years of caring for you together, we will have grown close in away we Never expected. And when we finally climax together under the redwoods, we’ll hold each other and weep. Not just because the pleasure is so intense, but because we finally feel released from our tragic shared burden. Well, you both said Aruba, that five points put you over the top. Anderson’s you have won our grand prize.

Mia: Wait, we did?

Thomas: We won, baby.

Bob Dabilda: And that grand prize is an all expense paid trip to Bali’s Temple of 1000 steps.

Thomas: No!

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

Scorpio

Steve… Dwayne Johnson

Linda… Cecily Strong

Sue… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with comic pages turning]

Male voice: I was just an ordinary guy… until the extraordinary happened. [scorpions are biting this guy. After that, he has become strong and now is fighting as a hero.] And extraordinary is just what this city needed.

[Cut to Linda speaking on phone in her office]

Linda: Maximilian is no joke. He is destroying the entire north side of the city. I can’t even get reporters on the field. It’s too dangerous.

Steve: Linda! [Linda gets scared as she thought she was alone. Steve is in his super hero costume.] Don’t be afraid.

Linda: Steve?

Steve: It’s me. I am, well, different.

Linda: What? What happened?

Steve: It’s hard to explain. But now I possess the super abilities of a scorpion, enhanced strength, deadly grip and venomous sting. With my powers and this armor that I created, I vow to become the vigilante this city needs. I came here to say goodbye just in case I don’t come back.

Linda: That’s incredible, but hold on. You made that?

Steve: What? The suit?

Linda: Yeah! You sewed that?

Steve: Yes. Yes, I did. Now this city won’t need to–

Linda: It’s gorgeous.

Steve: You think so?

Linda: I do. You made it with your own hands?

Steve: Yes, I did.

Linda: When?

Steve: Oh, just last night.

Linda: In just one night?

Steve: [laughing] Yes. It’s really easy once you settle on the… what’s it? Oh, silhoutte.

Linda: Steve!

Steve: It’s Scorpio now.

Linda: Scorpio, this is insane. Like, your super powers include impeccable tailoring?

Steve: Well, I- I had that from before.

Linda: From before? Oh, my god! I just noticed the little zipper on the side.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

[Sue and Aidy walk in]

Sue: I heard Maximilian attacked a hospital.

Aidy: Oh my god! What is this outfit?

Linda: He made it.

Steve: I made it. I made it.

Sue: Shut up. No, you didn’t.

Aidy: Okay, the zipper is–

Steve: I know, I know. It’s a little wonky. I just rushe because the hospital was going to explode.

Linda: Girls. Look, the little scorpion on the buckle matches the detailing on the shoulder.

Steve: Oh, but let me ask you. You don’t think it’s too much, do you? Because I was worried that the buckles might be a little too much.

Linda: No, no. Like, if I saw it laid out on a table, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s too much.” Seeing it on you, I’m like, “No, it’s perfect.”

Aidy: Yeah. I love that the fabrics are a mix of high and low. Honestly, for me it’s a full yes.

Steve: Oh, great. Well, you know, I didn’t want to be too matchy-matchy.

Sue: I feel like it could use a scorpion on the chest.

Steve: No.

Aidy: Disagree.

Steve: God, no.

Linda: Too literal.

Steve: No. I want it to feel like scorpion by suggesting themes like danger, poison, night. And it’s a very earthy color story.

Sue: yeah. But I just think it could be a cool–

Steve: No, I know, but it’s a garment, it’s not a costume.

Sue: Alright. Alright.

Steve: Yeah. I mean scorpion on the chest. What? Do you wear a blouse with like “Sue’ written on it?

Sue: Alright!

Aidy: Oh, dear god! I didn’t see the back.

[Steve turns around. There’s a big hole at the back.]

Girls: Oh!

Steve: Thank you. I just wanted a little, you know, like, [slaps his own butt] umm!

Sue: Look at that butt!

Steve: Oh, it’s– it’s padded. Shh.

Steve: Could you make something for me?

Aidy: I honestly feel like this might be your thing, Steve.

Steve: Scorpio!

Aidy: Scorpio. I need to see a whole collection from you, Scorpio.

Sue: Yeah. Being a superhero is a skill, but designing is a talent.

Radio: Maximilian threatens to blow up city hall in five minutes. This city needs a hero.

[Steve turns the radio off]

Steve: I made a capelet for winter missions. Would you guys like to see it?

Girls: Oh, yes!

[Steve pulls out his cape with scorpion print]

Linda: What? How did you get it to not crease at the seams?

Steve: Yeah. I actually cut it along the bias.

Aidy: Oh, I cannot!

[explosion sound]

Linda: Oh, my god! City hall.

Steve: Should I design wedding dresses?

Sue: Yes! Please!

[Ends with a comic picture of a Scorpio Boutique]

The Cat In The Hat and Linda

Linda… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cat in the hat… Bill Hader

Thing 2… Taran Killam

[Starts with a clip of a house at a raining night]

Linda: Why are you filled with dismay? [Cut to inside the house] You should go out and enjoy this fine day.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: It’s been raining, dear mother. As long as we’ve known.

Pete: We are bored, sweet mother. Bored to the bone.

Aidy: I want someone to play with. Someone who’s fun.

Pete: Perhaps, if we imagine, we’ll find the one.

[door knocking] [Cut to everybody. Cat walks in the door.]

Cat: Hello, little kiddies. A-rada-tac-tac,

f you haven’t put it together, I’m the cat in the hat.

Linda: Cat, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Cat]

Cat: Linda? My god! You look good.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Mommy, what’s going on?

Aidy: You know the cat guy?

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Linda: Yes. No. I met him before.

Cat: Met? Well, that’s what we call it now?

Linda: Okay, I think maybe you should leave.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No, Mr. Cat, we don’t want you to go. Can you please stay and put on a fun show?

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Show? Yeah! Sure.

[Cat starts speaking funny]

I always appear when children are sad,

so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad?

[Cut to Cat. He starts questioning] Like, does he live here? Is he still here?

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: You know what? He’s at work. He is reliable. I don’t have to say a rhyme to make him come home.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Do some tricks!

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Wait, you want tricks. Yeah! Sure. You like juggling?

Pete: Yeah!

Cat: [speaking funnily] I can juggle with this.

I can juggle with fish

I can juggle with this

I can–

[Cat jumps and stops near a picture]

You cut me out of this picture? That makes sense, but it’s hard to see.

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: Yeah, um, maybe it’d be better if you’d just go.

[Cut to Cat, Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No!

Pete: He can’t leave.

Cat: They’re right. I literally can’t leave because they imagined me.

[Cut to everybody]

Linda: Great! Okay, so here we are!

Cat: No, no. Look, look, I didn’t plan on this.

[Cat goes near to Linda] [Cut to Linda and Cat]

I mean– You got an eyelash.

[Cat picks Linda’s eyelashes]

Linda: Don’t, you just want to touch my face.

Cat: Yes, maybe. I am sorry.

[Linda starts crying]

Linda: I’m sorry. This is just really hard for me to see you.

Cat: Oh, hey! It’s hard for me too. Here, here, take this.

[Cat pulls handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. It’s a magic trick where the handkerchief doesn’t stop coming out.] [Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Wow!

[Aidy and Pete start pulling the handkerchief.]

Cat: Here. Here. Here. Here.

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Take this.

[Cat gives Linda a handkerchief to wipe her tears.] [Linda and Cat are about to kiss]

Aidy: [interrupting Linda and Cat] Mr. Cat, you wanna see me dance?

[Cut to everybody] [Aidy starts dancing]

Cat: Yes, sure. Yes, go on.

[Aidy is dancing]

Hey, look at that. Yes, that’s great. [Cut to Linda and Cat] Great dance.

Linda: She got set from you.

Cat: Wait, is she my daughter?

[Thing 2 walks in the door]

Thing 2: Haidi-ho! My wife and children! Cat? Wow, um, what are you doing here?

Cat: Hey, Thing 2.

Thing 2: Actually, I go by Jonathing now.

Linda: Cat was just on his way out.

Thing 2: Oh! Good! That’s good! She picked me, cat!

Cat: I’ll go. I’ll go. I’m sorry. [Cut to everybody] I’ll go.

[Cut to Cat at the door]

Of all the places she let me go–

Thing 2: [yelling] You! Get out of here!

[Cat left.]