Aidy Bryant
Anya Taylor-Joy
Heidi Gardner
Frank… Beck Bennett
Chloe Fineman
Aidy: Big…
Anya: Breasts…
Aidy: Heavy…
Anya: Breasts…
Aidy: And every set of breasts needs…
Both: A brar.
Aidy: Are your watermelon sized bosoms doing the most?
Anya: Does your cup runneth over and onto the floor?
Aidy: Then come, get yourself a brar at Enid & Astrid’s Brawr Barn.
Anya: Located on avenue E & Jill Zarin blvd.
Aidy: Now, “What exactly is a brar?”, you ask. Well, bras are for boobies but brars are for breasts.
Anya: And if you don’t know about the store like this, good for you. Enjoy being able to jog.
Aidy: Yeah, we offer dazzling brar designs like these, [showing the brar] The Fortress. Goes so high, it’s a turtle neck. Strapped so wide, they could be jeans.
Anya: [showing another brar] The Straight Jacket. This brar comes with a patented five clasp enclosure.
Aidy: Yeah, which means if man’s taking it off, he’s going to need the jaws of life.
Anya: Or try the Load-Bearing Wall, made of miniature 2×4. It’s not an undergarment. It’s scaffolding.
Aidy: Yet designed by the same guys that unstuck the boat from the sewer’s canal.
Heidi: Hi, I need to buy a bra. I think I’m a 32.
Aidy: No, you’re not, honey.
Anya: No woman knows her brar size.
Aidy: Only we know. So, let me fit you. [Aidy starts touching Heidi’s breasts] Hmm. Okay. Okay. Cough. [Heidi coughs] Okay. Yes, so you’re a 28-Q. You have a difficult relationship with your mother and [taps her breasts] you’re pregnant.
Heidi: What?
Aidy: It’s a boy.
Heidi: How do you know that?
Anya: She just knows. Enjoy your bra.
Aidy: [pulls out a brar] We’re out of bag so you’re gonna just hold it loose, alright?
Heidi: Okay, thank you.
Aidy: Look, this is not a sexy store for froo-froo lingerie.
Anya: No. No one has ever had a sexual feeling in this store.
Aidy: This is a medical experience. We are one step away from a hospital.
Anya: And we even make some of our bras in house. Get out, you Frank.
Frank: Hey, how are you doing?
Aidy: Well, this is my husband. He’s in construction. He makes prisons.
Anya: And he also works here.
Frank: Each of these brars are built to last. Under wires from pure Pittsburgh steel. Brars so big, you can pour a cup of hot soup in and not spill a drop.
Aidy: In the summer! I have made paninis under my bra.
Frank: And to clean it, just hang in out the window of a car wash once a year.
Aidy: Alright, get back to work, Frank.
Frank: Alright. Bye, girls. Love you.
Anya: Who needs these bras? We do. That’s why it’s important that we create bras for every size and shape. Shape like Denny’s grand slam.
Aidy: Rorschach Test.
Anya: Wind Sock.
Aidy: Chicago Style. And of course, Penn & Teller.
Chloe: Hi, I need a bra.
Aidy: Oh, you don’t, sweetie.
Anya: Move along, sweetie. No.
Aidy: You need a tank top, hun. This is not a place for you.
Chloe: Do you sell bralettes?
Aidy: Oh yeah, I can wear a bralette once at my cristening.
Chloe: Fine, I’ll just go to Victoria Secret, I guess.
Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, I know Victoria Secret, and it’s that she’s too intimidated to help me.
Anya: So, come on down to Astrid & Enid’s Brar Barn.
Aidy: Now, the signage is unclear. Know that.
Anya: And our store front is a bunch of fur coats. Ignore that.
Aidy: Now, you’re going to go up the stairs and you’re going to be like, “Is this apartments?” Ignore that.
Anya: And we don’t accept credit cards. We prefer personal checks and coins.
Aidy: Well, alright. Let’s do the song.
Anya: Alright.
Both: [singing] Big ones, bigger ones, the biggest of all
they’re brars!