Jake Gyllenhaal[Starts with Michael Che and Kyle in Kyle’s office]
Michael: Come on, Kyle, our sketch was due an hour ago. We need to turn it in now.
Kyle: No, it needs to be perfect. I’ve got to keep writing.
Michael: But we’ll get in trouble. They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.
Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing. And I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep] [Jake Gyllenhaal walks in]
Jake: Hi. It’s Jake Gyllenhaal. Where is your sketch, Mooney?
Kyle: You said something to me, [bleep].[Kyle and Jake Gyllenhaal start fighting. While fighting, Jake Gyllenhaal sees drugs on Kyle’s table.]
Jake: Drugs? Are you addicted?
Kyle: So what, Donny Dorko? I need them to write. Ah, no, what am I saying? I have so many problems and secrets.
Michael: Well, we’re here to listen, Kyle.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Yes, we wanna know more about your life and how you got here.
Kyle: Okay, I guess it’s time for me to get serious.[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle narrating: Hey, Kyle Mooney here and I can’t wait to take you behind the scenes of my new weekly segment for SNL, Serious Nightl Live.[Cut back to the show]
Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing and I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep].[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle narrating: So yeah, this was a fun one. I love dramatic shows and movies. And I love SNL and I’m like, can we combine them? That’s never been done, right? Let’s go behind the scenes. Come on. So serious Night Live is the new dramatic non comedy series I’m going to be doing every week at the show.
Michael: [reading his dialog] They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.
Kyle: Yes. Great.
Kyle narrating: Sort of an 824 Meet Safty Brothers vibe. Kind of scary, kind of sexy, but I knew I just had to nail it. Right Mikey? I’m reading for the role of Mikey. Let’s hear it.
Mikey: Hey, Kyle, what are you working on?
Kyle: That’s a choice. We’ll be in touch man.
Kyle: Might want to stick to sketch comedy but–
Kyle narrating: So yeah, the show tackles current SNL drama, but just like Godfather II, we also get to see Kyle’s rise to get here. His troubled past growing up as a kid named Kyle.[Kyle looking for a kid Kyle actor]
Kyle: I’ll just play the kid. Looking like Irishman me or something. Jesus!
Kyle narrating: But first, we had to get the thumbs up from the big man. Hey, Lorne, Serious Night Live, what do we think?
Lorne: Kyle Get out of my office?
Kyle: Lauren, very biting wit.
Kyle narrating: So unlike normal sketches, I had to pay about $85,000 of my own money, the crew, the lights, had to pay for the DA gene effects, which turned out great.
Kid Kyle: Let’s make a video.
Kyle narrating: Plus the drugs were actually real. And that was really expensive. And the guys who sold them to me sort of wanted to stick around. Didn’t love them, but it’s serious Night Live. And we got Jake Gyllenhaal and he totally brought us A game.
Jake narrating: Kyle offered me $40,000 cash to act in this thing and said it was legitimate crew. I said yes because, I don’t know, I felt bad. I don’t really know the guy. He’s not really on the show that much, right? That’s gotta be tough.
Kyle: [bugging Jake] Killing like Gyllenhaal. Dude, great shoot. Wanna get drinks later?
Jake: Oh, sorry, dude. I gotta rehearse for the show now.
Kyle: No worries. Happy to drink alone. Any word if I’m in sketches this week? Sort of got f-ed over last Saturday.
Kyle narrating: Well, that’s a wrap on Serious Night Live. I hope you enjoyed it. I did spend a lot of money. Obviously, I’m almost 40. If this doesn’t take off in a really big way, there’s probably no reason for me to be in show business. Or even alive. So please just [bleep] tweet about it.