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Serious Night Live

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with Michael Che and Kyle in Kyle’s office]

Michael: Come on, Kyle, our sketch was due an hour ago. We need to turn it in now.

Kyle: No, it needs to be perfect. I’ve got to keep writing.

Michael: But we’ll get in trouble. They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing. And I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep] [Jake Gyllenhaal walks in]

Jake: Hi. It’s Jake Gyllenhaal. Where is your sketch, Mooney?

Kyle: You said something to me, [bleep].

[Kyle and Jake Gyllenhaal start fighting. While fighting, Jake Gyllenhaal sees drugs on Kyle’s table.]

Jake: Drugs? Are you addicted?

Kyle: So what, Donny Dorko? I need them to write. Ah, no, what am I saying? I have so many problems and secrets.

Michael: Well, we’re here to listen, Kyle.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Yes, we wanna know more about your life and how you got here.

Kyle: Okay, I guess it’s time for me to get serious.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Hey, Kyle Mooney here and I can’t wait to take you behind the scenes of my new weekly segment for SNL, Serious Nightl Live.

[Cut back to the show]

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing and I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep].

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: So yeah, this was a fun one. I love dramatic shows and movies. And I love SNL and I’m like, can we combine them? That’s never been done, right? Let’s go behind the scenes. Come on. So serious Night Live is the new dramatic non comedy series I’m going to be doing every week at the show.

Michael: [reading his dialog] They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: Yes. Great.

Kyle narrating: Sort of an 824 Meet Safty Brothers vibe. Kind of scary, kind of sexy, but I knew I just had to nail it. Right Mikey? I’m reading for the role of Mikey. Let’s hear it.

Mikey: Hey, Kyle, what are you working on?

Kyle: That’s a choice. We’ll be in touch man.

Mikey: Okay.

Kyle: Might want to stick to sketch comedy but–

Kyle narrating: So yeah, the show tackles current SNL drama, but just like Godfather II, we also get to see Kyle’s rise to get here. His troubled past growing up as a kid named Kyle.

[Kyle looking for a kid Kyle actor]

Kyle: I’ll just play the kid. Looking like Irishman me or something. Jesus!

Kyle narrating: But first, we had to get the thumbs up from the big man. Hey, Lorne, Serious Night Live, what do we think?

Lorne: Kyle Get out of my office?

Kyle: Lauren, very biting wit.

Kyle narrating: So unlike normal sketches, I had to pay about $85,000 of my own money, the crew, the lights, had to pay for the DA gene effects, which turned out great.

Kid Kyle: Let’s make a video.

Kyle narrating: Plus the drugs were actually real. And that was really expensive. And the guys who sold them to me sort of wanted to stick around. Didn’t love them, but it’s serious Night Live. And we got Jake Gyllenhaal and he totally brought us A game.

Jake narrating: Kyle offered me $40,000 cash to act in this thing and said it was legitimate crew. I said yes because, I don’t know, I felt bad. I don’t really know the guy. He’s not really on the show that much, right? That’s gotta be tough.

Kyle: [bugging Jake] Killing like Gyllenhaal. Dude, great shoot. Wanna get drinks later?

Jake: Oh, sorry, dude. I gotta rehearse for the show now.

Kyle: No worries. Happy to drink alone. Any word if I’m in sketches this week? Sort of got f-ed over last Saturday.

Kyle narrating: Well, that’s a wrap on Serious Night Live. I hope you enjoyed it. I did spend a lot of money. Obviously, I’m almost 40. If this doesn’t take off in a really big way, there’s probably no reason for me to be in show business. Or even alive. So please just [bleep] tweet about it.

Prince – Clouds Live

[Starts with Chris rock announcing at SNL stage]

Chris Rock: Ladies and gentlemen, you are so lucky tonight. Welcome Prince.

[cheers and applause] [music playing] [Cut to Prince and La Havas singing and playing with his band.]

Prince and La Havas: In this brand new age we do everything
Quick, fast, in a hurry
All of our life’s a stage
Everybody stars, reality so blurry
If you scream out loud, loud
Top of your voice be higher than the crowd (no)
Tattoo-less and proud, yeah
We’ll get to something higher that doesn’t require clouds
No, we don’t need no clouds, no

You should never underestimate the power of
A kiss on the neck, when she doesn’t expect
A kiss on the neck, when she doesn’t expect
A kiss on the neck
And every time you catch her singin’ in the shower
You should go and get a flower
Don’t matter what the hour
Just rub it on her back, rub it on her back, rub it on her back
La Havas: When life’s a stage, in this brand new age

How do we engage?
Bullying just for fun
No wonder there’s so many guns
Maybe we’re better off in space

[La Havas leaves the stage. Prince enters playing guitar] [music changes] [Prince playing guitar solo]

Prince – Another Love Live

[Starts with Prince and the band performing.] [music playing]

Prince: You said I was what you wanted
Liar, liar.
You never wanted me that way. no
I was just something you flaunted
Hired and fired
U never had a plant to stay…
If you don’t like it, round here,
Find another love, another love.
Anyone can see it’s so clear
I’ll find another, another, another, another love
If you don’t like this baby
Find another, another love
You don’t have a right to fake it

Move on, move on,
Move on, move on,
Find another love, find another love.

You got to find another love.

I used to think I was so much fun
Now I’m just the guilty one
Everything we used 2 share
Our clothes and even our hair.
Now all you see is what I did
But how come I can’t tell me that kid
Behind my back I’m just a so and so
But I’m the greatest living soul
you’ll ever know

[music stops]

Lizzo Truth Hurts (Live)

[Starts with Eddie Murphy announcing Lizzo’s live performance]

Eddie Murphy: Ladies and gentlemen, Lizzo!

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Lizzo on the stage with other female musicians.] [musi playing

Lizzo: Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Woo

I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch
Even when I’m crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems, that’s the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve ’em, that’s the goddess in me
You coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal
Help you with your career just a little
You’re ‘posed to hold me down, but you’re holding me back
And that’s the sound of me not calling you back

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay

You tried to break my heart?
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain’t from the start
Hey, I’m glad you’re back with your bitch
I mean who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick
I put the sing in single
Ain’t worried ’bout a ring on my finger
So you can tell your friend, “shoot your shot” when you see ’em
It’s OK, he already in my DMs

I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi
I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Niall Horan Put a Little Love on Me

[Starts with Scarlett Johansson announcing Niall Horan’s live performance]

Scarlett Johansson: Once again, Niall Horan.] [cheers and applause] [Cut to a man playing piano and Niall Horan singing.]

Niall Horan: [singing]

We fight we get high holding on to love
We came down cos there was nothing holding us
Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are
Is it wrong that I still don’t know my heart

Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go
Are your tears falling down when the lights are low
Another Friday night tryna put on a show
Do you hate the weekend
Cos nobody’s calling
I’ve still got so much love hidden beneath this skin
So darling

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up and there’s no shadows dancing
I look around as my heart is collapsing
Cos you’re the only one I need
To put a little love on me

We wrote and we wrote
Til there were no more words
We laughed and we cried
Until we saw our worst
Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are
Is it wrong that I still don’t know my heart

Last night I lay awake
Stuck on the things we say
And when I close my eyes the first thing I hear you say is

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up we’re the only ones dancing
I look around and you’re standing there asking
You say, you’re the only one I need
So put your love on me

You’re the only one I need
Put your love on me

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Niall Horan Nice to Meet Ya (Live)

[Starts with Scarlett Johansson announcing Niall Horan’s performance]

Scarlett Johansson: Ladies and gentlemen, Niall Horan.

[Cut to Niall Horan with his band on stage] [music playing]

Niall Horan: [humming]

I like the way you talk, I like the things you wear
I want your number tattooed on my arm in ink, I swear
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

Nice to meet you

I wanna blow your mind, just come with me, I swear
I’m gonna take you somewhere warm, you know j’adore la mer
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

(I got love for you)
(I got love for you)

Nice to meet ya, what’s your name?
Let me treat ya to a drink

(I got love for you)
(I got love for you)

One minute, you’re there, the next one, you’re gone
Been waiting for you all night, so come on
You know what I need, you know what I want
You know what I need now, you know what I need now

[humming]

Nice to meet ya, what’s your name?
Let me treat ya to a drink

Nice to meet ya
(I got love for you)
Where ya been?
(I got love for you)
Let me treat ya
(I got love for you)
To a drink
(I got love for you)

[humming] [music stops]

DaBaby BOP (Live)

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez announcing DaBaby’s live performance]

Jennifer Lopez: Ladies and gentlemen, DaBaby.

[Cheers and applause] [music playing]

Announcer: SNL, I’ll go for the hottest young DJ in the world, DJ Kid, right? I got a special guest with me, SNL. Let me introduce you to my brother, DaBaby. One, two, one, two, three!

DaBaby:
Let’s go, hah

I needed some shit with some bop in it (let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo)
My girl got good kitties, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the– I’m a hot– (hot)

Oh, you asking for pictures with –? (huh?)
What’s your name? Get the — out the spot,
Tryna figure which deal I’ma take (uh-huh)
I woke up, couple mil’ on my plate (let’s eat)
I’m investing in real and estate (uh-huh)
I just went gave my mama a hundred (a hundred)
Probably won’t hear me open my mouth ‘less you hearin’ me talkin’ ’bout finding some money (let’s go)
As soon as I found it, I flipped that (flip)
I’m a little bit different, they get it (they dig)
Know I’m stiff on a — and she dig it
Tryna find out why Baby ain’t all in her mentions (hah)
No, she ain’t get no DM from me (bitch)
This rich nigga –, it ain’t free
She be throwin’ that –, yeah, she good at it
Turn around when we –, make her look at it (uh, she like, hah)

I needed some shit with some bop in it (let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo, okay)
My girl got good kittie, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it (yeah)
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the –, I’m a hot — (hot, let’s go)

I’m unorthodox than a —
Ayy, when you gon’ switch the flow? I thought you’d never ask
— ain’t dissin’ with me
And ain’t ’bout what the — they be rappin’ ’bout with they lil’ scary — (hah)
But to each his own, — (huh)
If you like it, I love it, no biggie (no big)
That boy say he get money, oh, really?
How much they just cut you a check for? A milli’
I’m going back to Cali like Biggie (go back)
‘Bout to go get a pound just to smoke (I smoke)
They told me to come work on my album
I’m tryna go find out the price on a boat (okay)
My lil’ — act like Megan Thee Stallion
She ghetto and nasty, she drivin’ the boat (drive the boat)
All this shit that they makin’ be boring
Play me something to bop while I ride with the pole
Here you go (uh, oh, hah, okay)I needed some shit with some bop in it (let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo)
My girl got good kittie, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the –, I’m a hot — (I’m hot)

Announcer: Wait a minute. [Jabbawockeez come in] Is the the– DaBaby partner, Jabbawockeez! Oh, my god! I can’t believe this. Look at them. They got the magic. Ay, SNL, sing this!

DaBaby: I needed some shit with some bop in it (okay, let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo)
My girl got good kittie, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the –, I’m a hot — (I’m hot)

Oh, you asking for pictures with –?
What’s your name? Get the fuck out the spot, — (get the fuck)
Tryna figure which deal I’ma take (uh-huh)
I woke up, couple mil’ on my plate

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

DaBaby Suge (Live)

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez announcing DaBaby’s live performance]

Jennifer Lopez: Once again, DaBaby!

[cheers and applause] [music playing]

Announcer: Young dollar baby entertainment. Oh!

DaBaby: Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah

The first nigga play, I’ma body a — (Ha)
I just checked my balance
I’ll probably pull up to your hood and come buy me a — (No cap)
You know that your ho told you that — crazy
Don’t think that she lied to you, — (Bitch)
Get caught with your ho when I’m poppin’ ’em both
Now they high just like Bobby and Whitney (Haa)
Say I’m the goat, act like I don’t know
But fuck it, I’m obviously winnin’
Don’t make me go hit the bank and take out a hundred
To show you our pockets are different (Ha)
I’m out with your — and I only want knowledge
She got a lil’ mileage, I’m chillin’ (Uh)
You disrespect me and I’ll beat your — up
All in front of your potnas and children (Ahh, ahh)
I’m the type to let a — think that I’m broke
Until I pop out with a million (I pop)
Take 20K and put that on your head
And make one of your partners come kill you (Yeah)
Say he fuckin’ with me then he gotta grow up
‘Cause this — gotta be kiddin’ (Kiddin’)
This shit, it can’t fit in my pocket
I got it, like I hit the lottery, — (Hot, hot, hot)
Opp, I’ll slap the shit out a —
No talkin’, I don’t like to argue with — (I don’t)
Ain’t gon’ be no more laughin’
You see me whip out guns, I’m gon’ be the ‘shot me a — (No cap)
I don’t follow no women on IG
But all of your women, they follow a — (Ha)
And that lil’ — ain’t gon’ shoot shit with that gun
He just pull it out in his pictures (Bitch, uh)Hah
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah
Hah
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah

Talkin’ ’bout, “– I’m gon’ pop that” (Pop)
Got like thirty-two thousand in one of my pockets
The other one, that’s where the Glock at (Glock)
You — wanna be internet gangster
Man, tell all these little — stop that (Ha)
Beat and burnt me a — in front of the store
Where your mammy and grandmama shop at
Hopped out on a whole other wave from these —
Let’s see one of you little — top that
I will turn a — into a convertible
Push me a lil’ — top back (Vroom)
Her boyfriend be hatin’ and callin’ her groupie
Just ’cause she like all my music (Ha)
She’ll send me a text and then delete the message
He tryna find out, it’s confusin’
I don’t know what these — is thinkin’ about
Use the brain in your head ‘fore you lose it (Bitch)
I’ll pull up after school and I’ll teach her some shit
Tell your bro I’m a motherfuckin’ tutor
‘Member I used to cheat off of pretty — test
All the teachers, they thought I was stupid (Uh huh)
Was expectin’ the box to pull up on the truck
Man, this — pulled up on a scooter (The what?)

Hah!
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah
Hah
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah

[music stops] [cheers and applause]