Donald… Louis C.K.
Brenda… Leslie Jones
[Starts with Sprint phone shop]
Jay: So, that’s pretty much how the job works, Donald. Welcome aboard.
Venessa: When you’re here at Sprint, you’re a framily.
Donald: Well, thanks again. Like I said, I really need this job. I haven’t worked for a long time and I don’t want to blow another opportunity.
Jay: Well, if you care about keeping this job, word of advice, don’t piss off Brenda.
Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I running the charity here? Coz the last time I checked, I’m paying your asses to work. Okay? Which means your asses better be working or else, you’re done!
Jay: Yes, ma’am!
[Brenda leaves] [Cut to Donald]
Donald: I’m guessing that’s Brenda. Wow, is that how she really talks?
[Brenda comes back] [mocking Brenda] I’m paying your asses to work. Which means your asses better be working. [Cut to Jay and Venessa. Venessa is warning Donald about Brenda.]
Venessa: Okay, dude. Don’t!
Brenda: Excuse me? I’m sorry. [Cut to Donald and Brenda] Is that how you think I talk? Is that your little impression of me?
[Donald looks around]
Donald: [trying speak like Brenda as if he speaks like that all the time.] Why you fronting on me? I ain’t talking like you. I’m talking like my damn self!
And your ass better back up coz otherwise you’re gonna be clowned on this fellow, umm!
Brenda: So, you’re saying this is how you actually talk?
Donald: I’m talking like my mama taught me to talk. And if you clowning on my mom then you’s about to get bounced!
Brenda: Okay. If that’s how you really talk then we ain’t got a problem.
Donald: Um-hmm. Well, okay then. [snaps] [Brenda leaves] [Cut to Jay and Venessa]
Jay: Dude, what the hell was that?
[Cut to Donald]
Donald: [speaking normally] I don’t know. I just got caught and I panicked.
[Cut to Jay and Venessa]
Venessa: What are you gonna do now?
[Cut to everybody]
Donald: I mean I need this job. [Brenda walks behind Donald] I just gonna have to stay this way.
Jay: Like, forever?
Donald: [Donald starts acting again] Like, I was saying. Who you think you is? Angela bastard! I ain’t tryna’ front on no chicken hog.
[looking at Brenda] Oh, damn, Brenda! Where did you get those nails did. They on fleek! [Brenda walks away quietly]
That was close. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.
[Cut to Sprint- One Year Later] [Cut to Donald and a customer]
Aidy: So, basically I can’t text outdoors, which seems pretty bad.
Donald: Ah! Well, that’s not ideal but I think I can probably help.
[Brenda walks in] [Donald starts speaking like Brenda again] And you can start by taking that fake ass weave out of your head!
Aidy: Excuse me?
Donald: Showing up here like you looking like you late for church. Okay? Coz I keep it 100.
[Brenda nods her head to Donald]
Aidy: Okay, what is happening here?
Donald: Woman! I still see you! You gone!
[Aidy leaves] [Cut to Brenda and Donald]
Brenda: Damn, Donald! You’s a crazy bitch.
Donald: I just get angry sometimes, you know?
Brenda: You know what? I feel you. I feel you. But you right here, I need you right here. [showing she needs him to be a little lower] You putting too much two on the 10. You know what I’m saying? I need you to pump your brakes just a little bit, okay?
Donald: Okay, I respect that from my heart. Real talk, good looking.
Brenda: You welcome, boo!
[Brenda leaves] [Cut to Sprint- Five Year Later] [Cut to Donald and a customer]
Donald: [speaking like Brenda] Well, I ain’t gonna sell yo no iPhone 10 coz you ain’t a 10, honey. You’s a straight up four. Coming in here with your 3G clothes and your 3G purse.
Kate: I just wanna buy a charger.
Donald: You gone!
Brenda: Donald! Can I talk to you for a second?
Donald: Sure enough. What’s up, sugar?
Brenda: Listen, at first I doubted that was your real voice. But, no one fronts for five whole years! So, I promise boo, we good okay? We good now.
Donald: Yeah, you do. I be me.
Brenda: But I actually have a confession to make. This is my real voice. [speaking calmly] This is how I really talk.
Brenda: See, I went to a good college, but when I showed up for my interview, they thought I was straight out of Compton so I just went with, you know, that voice and hid my real one for all these years.
Donald: [speaking in real voice] Oh, my god! Well, this is how I really talk. So, I guess I don’t have to keep pretending like I talk like you.
Brenda: [yelling] Bitch, I knew you was faking. Get your broke ass our of here you fake ass fronting for five years. You go!
Brenda: Old job at a hut looking white bitch!