The Lawyer

Vanessa Bayer

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.

Bailiff… Leslie Jones

Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson

Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat

Jury… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]

Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.

Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.

[Mr. Douglas stands]

Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.

Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]

Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?

Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.

Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.

Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?

Judge: Of course. Bailiff.

[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]

Bailiff:

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.

[Mr. Douglas walks forward]

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?

Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.

Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.

Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?

[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]

Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?

Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?

Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.

Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.

Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]

Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.

Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!

Mr. Douglas: No further questions.

Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.

Judge: Appalled or jealous?

Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.

Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.

Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–

Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!

Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.

Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.

[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]

Oh, both of you.

Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–

[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]

Female voice: Maybelline, New York.

Tenement Museum

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Michael… Louis C.K.

Ava… Kate McKinnon

1913Thompson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Guide guiding a  group in museum]

Guide: Okay, squeeze on in here, guys. Our next top on the Tenement Museum tour is this apartment which appears exactly as it would have in nineteenthirteen.

Teacher: Okay, pay attention, guys. Some of this is going to be on the quiz.

Guide: Alright, this was the home of the Linzowsky’s, a working class family from Poland. And to help us understand what it was like for them in the strange new land of America, a group of historically trained actors will be joining us to being the Linzwsky’s back to life. In fact, I think I hear them now.

[Two actors walk in]

Michael: Oh, my darling, Ava. For 16 hours today, I break my hands in factory. I can afford to bring a cabbage home for soup. We should have stayed in Poland.

Ava: Michael, our bellies will have to be filled with love. Food will be a luxury for the next generation.

Teacher: Aw, they came here for their children.

Michael: I wish I could bring home more money, Ava. [cheers and applause] But there are no good jobs. They have all been taken by the filthy greasy Italians.

[1913is making angry face.]

Ava: Michael. Shame on you. It is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch cravers.

Teacher: You know. I’m not sure this is okay for my students to hear.

Guide: Oh, no. I assure you. This conversation is 100% historically accurate.

Ava: Michael, I don’t like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please, relax. [Michael sits on a chair and Ava puts two plates before them] Sit. Eat.

Guide: Now look at the bowls Mrs. Lindowsky is using. Something like that would be treasured family heirloom.

Kenan: Um, cool. Um, what’s up with the Italian stuff?

Guide: Hey, bud, let’s wait until the end of the scene for questions.

Michael: Ama, let me ask you a question. Do you know how to brain wash an Italian?

Ava: How, Michael?

Michael: You give him an enema.

Ava: Um. That makes sense. And Michael, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot?

Michael: Why, my love?

Ava: Do you think they can fit that much crap into a shoe?

Michael: That is very true, really.

Teacher: Um, are they just telling Italian jokes?

Guide: No.

Kenan: Yes.

Michael: But I must go now or I will be late for my night shift at the factory.

[Michael and Ava hug each other]

Ava: You work so hard, Michael.

Michael: Yes. I work hard in factory so that some day our children will be the boss of factory. And then, we will hire half wit, goon, rat faced Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream.

[Ava is crying]

Guide: [clapping] Amazing. Let’s hear it for the Lindowsky’s.

[Students are clapping]

Kenan: Feels kind of weird clapping for that but alright.

Guide: Now, magically the Lindowsky’s can hear you all the way back in nineteenthirteen. So, would anyone like  to ask them a question?

Kyle: Hi. Um, when you say grease ball, is it because the food is greasy or they are?

Teacher: Okay, please don’t answer that.

Guide: Anyone else?

Kenan: I have a question.

Michael: Yes, chocolate face.

Kenan: And you just answered it.

Guide: Actually, I have a question for Mrs. Lindowsky. That contraption there, I don’t know what it is. Could you tell me about it?

Ava: Yes. This is to dry clothes. You put the wet fabric here and you turn and leave it like this. One bedsheet, three hours.

Guide: Wow! Lot harder than just tossing your clothes in the drier, huh?

Michael: But it will not always be this way for my wife. I work hard to save money. And god willing, I will hire chocolate lady to do this for me.

Kenan: [angrily] Nope!

Teacher: Yeah. We’re leaving. Let’s go.

Soda Shop

Connie… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Louise… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sam… Louis C.K.

Johnny… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with girls walking into a soda shop]

Connie: Gee, gang, that math test was the bees knees.

Vanessa: Honey, you’re such a nerd. Isn’t Connie a nerd, Louise? Louise?

Louise: Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was moping.

Aidy: Louise, are you still upset about not getting asked to dance.

Vanessa: We know what will make you feel better.

Aidy: Hey, Sam, how about a root beer float? We got someone down in the dumps.

Sam: Sure thing, girls. But speaking of ice cream, what’s the scoop? Who is the pouty penny?

Louise: It’s me. I’m the only girl who didn’t get asked to the spring fling bepop and sock hop.

Sam: Well, sounds to me like those boys are making a whooper of a mistake. I’m gonna give you an extra scoop of vanilla on the house.

Louise: Aw, thanks Sam. I wish all the boys to be more like you.

Girls: Sam’s the best.

Sam: Well, heck, if I were 20 years younger, I would ask you myself. I mean it. And geez, I’d even ask you right now, the age I am right now.

Louise: Ha-ha, Sam. Very funny.

Connie: Sam tells the best jokes.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha. So, what do you say?

Louise: To what, Sam?

Sam: The dance. Are we doing it or what?

Louise: The spring fling, Sam?

Aidy: Ha-ha. That’s for teenagers, Sam.

Sam: Well, then wouldn’t it wow the crowd to show up with an older man on your arm?

Vanessa: I would go with Sam if he asked me.

Sam: Well, I didn’t ask you, stupid. I asked Louise.

Louise: Sam, you’re being awfully nice, but I wanted to go to the dance in a normal way, like with a boy my age instead of an older married man.

Sam: [laughing] Married? Please. The next time I kiss my wife will be at her funeral.

Louise: Neato, Sam.

Sam: Hey, you know what would be fun if we did a test run?

Louise: Of what?

Sam: Our date.

Louise: We’re still talking about that?

Sam: Well, sure. Let’s pretend that this booth over here is a car. [Sam pulls Louise and puts her in a booth with him.] Just for pretend.

Louise: You sure are cookie, Sam.

Vanessa: Hey, this is fun. Can we be a part of the scene?

Sam: No, so shut up.

[Sam is pretending like he’s driving]

Louise: Sam, this is nice and all. But…

Sam: Wait. Get down, Louise. [pretending like he’s shooting people outside the car] Bang, bang. Did you see that?

Louise: What?

Sam: I killed two people.

Louise: Why? Why did you do that?

Sam: Well, I didn’t like they way they were talking about you. They were saying stuff like, “Louise thinks she is better than all of us now that she has fallen in love with a married man and I hear they are running way to get married some place where the rules are different.”

Louise: Okay. Thank you, Sam, but I would like to get out of the car now.

Sam: You can’t. We are in a tunnel.

Aidy: Where is there a tunnel on the way to school?

Connie: I don’t think he’s taking her to school.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Louise, I have been looking all over for you.

Louise: For me? Why, Johnny?

Johnny: Well, coz I’ve been trying to do this. Louie Marie Conolioly, will you be my date for the spring fling?

Louise: Oh, Johnny, of course I will

[Sam stands]

Sam: So, um, what does that mean for me?

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Connie? I made dinner and you are here at the pervert’s soda shop?

Vanessa: Um, Louie made us come. She always makes us come here because she knows Sam is going to make inappropriate sexual advances towards her.

Louise: It’s a game I like. I like knowing that I could get Sam in big trouble for the things he says, but he does it anyway. Makes me feel powerful. I know it sounds silly, but I do want to be a dominatrix when I grow up so it’s not as hair brained as it sounds. Anyway, [holds Johnny’s hands] see you, Sam.

[Everyone walks out]

Sam: OH, well, I guess it’s just you dancing alone again tonight, Sam.

[Sam hits the glass in Jukebox and cuts his hand]

Oh, I cut the heck out of my hand.

Sectionals

Louis C.K.

[Starts with a picture of horses running]

Man: So long as men can breathe for I can see,
so long lives this and this gives life to thee

[Cut to Man standing in front of a huge leather couch]

Sectional couches. [music playing] When I was a little boy, my grandmother bought mea new couch. And I looked at it and I said, where is the rest of it? And that is the first of many stories you’re going to hear. This is going to be long. What if I told you that where most people’s couches end, your can bend and keep going?

[Cut to video clips of different L shaped couches]

Wow! Kingly. Nothing like it. Legend has it that in ancient Rome, the emperor asked for a very long couch. One that would stretch to infinity. [Cut to Man] When they built the couch, he gazed at it powerfully and said, “Well, that’s not going to fit.” So, they put a bend in it, and they built it in sections.

[Cut to a woman singing sitting on a couch] [Cut to Man]

Hi. [Cut to a couch set] This one’s called ‘Bad Lands’. God only knows what it’s stuck with. Each like bouff unfolding and unfolding for eternity.

[Cut to another couch set] This one’s called ‘The Gathering’. It looks like elephants gathered for an important reason. It has phone chargers and electricity runs through it.

[Cut to another couch set] Rest your tired head on this bosom of this robust goddess, ‘Drink of milk!’ If you don’t have this one, let me ask you a question. [Cut to Man] What are you doing? These are all made on earth. But all these couches are nothing compared to what I’m going to talk about right now. Listen to me speak. There was a woman named Barb somewhere in Racine, Wisconsin. She went to a couch store and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: So, they showed her a bigger one and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a bigger couch.]

Barb: No! Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: And they showed Barb a couch bigger than any other thing on Earth! And she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Yes! Yes! I’ll take it!

[Cut to Man sitting on the same couch]

Man: This piece is called ‘The Nexus.’ It is the eye of the storm. The rest of the Sectional is born from this point, and that is how they’re made. Period!

I used to have a family. I would sit on a couch here, then they on a couch there. And I longed to connect with them. So, I bought a Sectional. Then I bought another and another. Then a warehouse to store them, and a storefront to show people what they are. Some would come in and ask, “How much are they?” And I would reply, “Get out of my property. These are not for sale.” I got this air time to say, “Please, leave me alone with my Sectionals.” This is not a commercial. Goodnight!

Male voice: Sectional Sofa Emporium, eighttwofivenine, Soda Street. Not open to the public. Not a business.

Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Yes. Yes. that’s right. That’s right. That’s appropriate. Here’s a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Coz there was a black guy walking behind him and he was nervous. He was new to the city, this chicken, and he was like, “I feel like he is following me. But I’m not sure.” But then he thought, “Maybe if I cross the road, then if he crosses the road, he’s definitely following me.” So he crossed the road. And the black guy went home. He’s just living his life. And the chicken was like, “I’m such a racist.” He felt bad. But about a month later, a black guy ate the chicken. Different black guy. I’m just telling you what happened. Wait, wait. Don’t be upset coz this is not a racist joke. This joke is not racist. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely racist. But that’s chickens. Chickens are very closed down, sort of suspicious and prejudice. You kind of can’t blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. That’s why chickens are like, [looking around suspiciously] . there’s no friendly chickens. You can feed the same chicken every day. He’s like, “I’m not coming over there, you black son of a bitch. I know what you want! I’m not your soup yet, you jew.”

I like animals. I like thinking about animals. I like wondering what animals are thinking. Nobody knows what any animal thinks. You can ask an animal any question and the conversation is over. I wonder if– the giraffe. The giraffes– Are giraffes up there going, [freaking out] “Whoa! It’s too high! Hey, horse! Horse!” “What, man?” “Look at this. It’s crazy.” “Yeah, your’e a giraffe.” “Yeah, but look at my neck.” “Phrr.” That’s why horses make that noise. If you’re near a horse, and he does that, that’s because you suck.

Does a moose look different when it’s surprised? Did you see a moose? They always have this, [looking around with eyes wide open]. I saw a moose once in person, or in moose. Maybe I was projecting because I was like, “Oh, my god! It’s a moose.” And he looked like he was going. “Oh my god! I’m a moose!” Every moose looks like a dude who just got turned into a moose before you looked at him.

I’m thinking of buying a goat. I’m thinking of buying a goat because I want to have a trash can that I can make love to. So that’s why I’m going to buy a goat. So I can have sex with a trash can. I can do that with a trash can I have now but a goat has a vagina. That makes it a lot better. [crowed disgusted] I don’t care that your’e upset. I’m still getting the goat.

I love doing this. This is my favorite thing to do, standup comedy. I have been doing this for 32 years now. [cheers and applause] And it’s been– 32 years. And it’s been going great for four years. Four years, it has been great. 28 years, I struggled. But you know what? I was happy then too. I was always happy when I was struggling coz when your life sucks, it just sucks. You don’t expect anything else. When your life gets good, you start expecting it till you get unhappy. This is what happens. Like, now I stay in beautiful 5-star hotels and I’m miserable. I used to stay in motels. Not even like a nice motels with like, name Motel 6. I stayed in just Motel. Not even a name. Like they built it and one guy’s like, “What should we name it?” And the other guys is like, “What? Last time you took a dump, did you name it?”

You know those motels that are right on the highway where you ride by and you’re like, “Who is inside of that?” It’s right on the highway. Literally, you open the door and there’s a truck. And when you– There’s a little shower, and as soon as you get in the shower, you’re dirtier now. They give you a little soap and you have to peel off the paper, and then it just makes a rash. You can write your name in a skin disease with the soap. And there’s always two beds and one bed has a big pool of sperm right in the middle of it. I don’t know why. Big deep pool with a current. Hide tide in the sperm pool! Where’s the boats?

I stayed in place like that for years and I was happy. Because what are you going to do? Complain to the motel? What are you gonna do? Call the front desk in a motel? “I want to speak to the manager.” “Well, he’s dead. Somebody duck taped him to a chair and shot him in the head because he owed him $15. Now I stay at beautiful 5-star hotels and I’ miserable, I’m always upset. First of all, I don’t like them. I’m not used to it. I don’t like the fanciness.  I don’t like that they tie your bathrobe into a swan that we have to dismantle. And I don’t like it when you call room service, they have to say a long flowery ‘hello’ before you get to talk about food. This is how they answer the phone at room service at fancy hotel like, “Hello [gibberish].” I hate it! I never let them. I call them, they’re like, “Hello–“. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Coffee. Don’t read it back.” I’m mean.

Also, if you stay in fancy hotels, you get used to it so you start getting upset when things aren’t perfect. Like, one time, my laundry wasn’t there. I had laundry. I was waiting for it. So I called housekeeping. Now they don’t answer the phone all fancy at housekeeping. This is how she answers the phone. She goes, “Hello?” and I actually said this to her. I said, “Do you want to try that again?” Yes, I’m letting you know about me. That’s what I said. “Did I reach you on your personal phone today?” So she says, “What do you need, sir?” And I said, “Well, I don’t have my laundry. And I gave it to you.” She said, “You didn’t give it to me.” I was like, “Oh my god, I’m so excited, coz I get to be really mad.” I said, “I gave it to your department and I was promised–“, like it’s in the constitution that you get your laundry. “I was promised I’d have it in 24 hours and it’s been longer.” She said, “What do you want me to do about it?” So, I got really mad. I said, “Listen, ma’am. First of all, you can hear in my voice that I’m white.” [crowd responding negatively] By the way, I’ll defend that right now. I will defend that. Because look, it’s wrong that white people get preferential treatment. It’s wrong. But as long as they do, what’s going on at this hotel? I’m supposed to get the best. Because I’m white… which is awful and wrong, but where is it right now?

So she got sick of me and she says, “Do you want to speak to manager?” I said yes. So the manager comes on, “Hello, Ned speaking. [gibberish]” I said, “I’m very upset!” He was like, “Oh! I’m so white sorry white sir. What white happened today?” I said, “I don’t have my laundry.” He was like, [freaking out] “Ah!” He said, “I will conduct an investigation.” I was like, “Yes! That’s a very white thing to do. I want a white investigation with my laundry!” So he said, “I will call you back in five minutes or less.” Hmm. So, I was waiting in my room like, [laughing proudly]. The manager calls me back and he says, “Sir, I looked into the matter and I do need to ask you one question. Are you certain that you gave us laundry?” And as soon as he said that, I was like, “I did not give you.”

[cheers and applause]

We have a great show tonight. The Chainsmokers are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Birthday Clown

Clown… Bobby Moynihan

Ernie… Louis C.K.

[Starts with a man opening door. There’s a clown outside.]

Clown: Hey, I’m Seth. I’m the birthday clown. Sorry, I came early.

Ernie: That’s okay. [gesturing to come in] [Clown walks in with his box] Did you find parking okay?

Clown: I took an Uber.

Ernie: Dressed like this?

Clown: Yeah, it’s part of the job. I’m used to it.
Ernie: Oh, well, set up right here.

[Cut to Clown setting up. Ernie walks in with a can of soda]

You gotta get a better defense, man.

Clown: Oh, yeah. It has been a good season though, altogether. You know? So, where is the birthday boy? Little Ernie, right?

Ernie: Oh, it’s me.

[Ernie sits on a sofa alone to watch Clown]

Clown: Come again?

Ernie: Um, I’m Ernie. It’s my birthday.

[Clown is looking around]

Clown: So– do you want– should we wait for everyone to show up?

Ernie: No, it’s just me. [opens his can of soda] Whenever you’re ready.

Clown: I’m sorry. Before I start, I’m wondering why–

Ernie: Just start the show, man. I gotta take my mind off some stuff.

Clown: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. [Clown walks behind the curtains] I’m just gonna do it.

[Clown turns on the funky kid’s music] [Clown is using sock puppet as a bird speaking. He is still behind the curtains. The puppet is outside.]

Female voice: Hey, kids, are you ready for Dodo the clown?

Ernie: Uh-huh.

Female voice: I can’t hear you.

Ernie: Yeah. I’m ready.

Female voice: Now, here comes the Dodo!

[Clown comes out on a baby cycle blowing the horn]

Ernie: It’s good.

Clown: Hey, kids. Do you remember my name?

Ernie: Dodo.

Clown: And what’s your name, birthday boy?

Ernie: Ernie Sullivan.

Clown: And how old are you turning today?

Ernie: I’m 53.

Clown: Jesus! What’s your favorite color?

Ernie: Um, I don’t know. [Clown waiting for the answer] I don’t know. [Clown still waiting for the answer]

Clown: Okay. Um, boy, I sure am hungry. I hope I got a snack! [pulls out a bottle out of his pocket] Bleh! Ha-ha-ha. [opens the bottle, and a toy snake jumps out of the bottle] Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ernie: That’s pretty funny. [pulls out some money and gives it to Clown] Here you go.

Clown: Are you giving me a tip?

Ernie: Yeah, you want me to wait until after?

Clown: Yeah, no– I don’t– there’s no protocol for whatever this is.

Ernie: Sorry. I’ll wait. Go ahead.

[Clown starts pulling out thread out of his mouth]

Ernie: Excuse me. [Ernie walks away. Clown is confused as he doesn’t know what to do.]

Clown: You want me to stop and wait?

[Ernie peeks out of the toilet]

Ernie: No, I can see from here. Keep going.

[Clown is still pulling the color thread out of his mouth.] [doorbell rings]

Hey, can you get that?

[Clown opens the door. There’s Disney’s Elsa and a robot.]

Elsa: We are here for little Ernie’s birthday party.

Clown: You don’t want this.

[Clown shuts the door. Ernie is standing just behind him.] [looking at Ernie] They got to go. I think I should go too.

Ernie: Yeah, man. Listen. I’m sorry. I tried to do something different for my birthday. I guess it got weird.

Clown: No, no. It’s okay. It was fine. Happy birthday.

Ernie: Thank you. Hey, can you come into my kitchen for a minute?

Clown: Yeah, what’s up?

Ernie: I’m going to chop you up in little pieces and put you in the fridge.

Clown: Yeah, that seems about right.

Wood PSAs

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Louis C.K.

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby and Venessa in the restaurant]

Bobby: Still the best turkey burger in the city though.

Venessa: Oh, definitley.

Bobby: You want toothpick?

Venessa: Um, no.

[music playing] [as Bobby and Venessa leave, Louis is staring at them with an axe and Beck is singing]

Beck: [singing] If you don’t use the wooden things
what will happen to the lumberjacks 

Male voice: Buy wood products. A message from the Woodworkers Association of America.

[The End]

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Cecily looking for a book in library]

Cecily: [showing the book to Sasheer] Hey, have you read this? I head it’s amazing.

Sasheer: No, but you should get it.

Cecily: No, I’ll just download on my iPad.

[music playing] [Louis is staring at them with an axe and Beck is singing behind Louis]

Beck: [singing] If you download books on your iPad
what will happen to the lumberjacks 

[tears are falling down Louis’s eyes]

Male voice: Buy wood products. A message from the Woodworkers Association of America.

This Is How I Talk

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Donald… Louis C.K.

Brenda… Leslie Jones

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Sprint phone shop]

Jay: So, that’s pretty much how the job works, Donald. Welcome aboard.

Venessa: When you’re here at Sprint, you’re a framily.

Donald: Well, thanks again. Like I said, I really need this job. I haven’t worked for a long time and I don’t want to blow another opportunity.

Jay: Well, if you care about keeping this job, word of advice, don’t piss off Brenda.

Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I running the charity here? Coz the last time I checked, I’m paying your asses to work. Okay? Which means your asses better be working or else, you’re done!

Jay: Yes, ma’am!

[Brenda leaves] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: I’m guessing that’s Brenda. Wow, is that how she really talks?

[Brenda comes back] [mocking Brenda] I’m paying your asses to work. Which means your asses better be working.

[Cut to Jay and Venessa. Venessa is warning Donald about Brenda.]

Venessa: Okay, dude. Don’t!

Brenda: Excuse me? I’m sorry. [Cut to Donald and Brenda] Is that how you think I talk? Is that your little impression of me?

[Donald looks around]

Donald: [trying speak like Brenda as if he speaks like that all the time.] Why you fronting on me? I ain’t talking like you. I’m talking like my damn self!

[audience laughing]

And your ass better back up coz otherwise you’re gonna be clowned on this fellow, umm!

Brenda: So, you’re saying this is how you actually talk?

Donald: I’m talking like my mama taught me to talk. And if you clowning on my mom then you’s about to get bounced!

Brenda: Okay. If that’s how you really talk then we ain’t got a problem.

Donald: Um-hmm. Well, okay then. [snaps] [Brenda leaves] [Cut to Jay and Venessa]

Jay: Dude, what the hell was that?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: [speaking normally] I don’t know. I just got caught and I panicked.

[Cut to Jay and Venessa]

Venessa: What are you gonna do now?

[Cut to everybody]

Donald: I mean I need this job. [Brenda walks behind Donald] I just gonna have to stay this way.

Jay: Like, forever?

Donald: [Donald starts acting again] Like, I was saying. Who you think you is? Angela bastard! I ain’t tryna’ front on no chicken hog.

[looking at Brenda] Oh, damn, Brenda! Where did you get those nails did. They on fleek!

[Brenda walks away quietly]

That was close. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

[Cut to Sprint- One Year Later] [Cut to Donald and a customer]

Aidy: So, basically I can’t text outdoors, which seems pretty bad.

Donald: Ah! Well, that’s not ideal but I think I can probably help.

[Brenda walks in] [Donald starts speaking like Brenda again] And you can start by taking that fake ass weave out of your head!

Aidy: Excuse me?

Donald: Showing up here like you looking like you late for church. Okay? Coz I keep it 100.

[Brenda nods her head to Donald]

Aidy: Okay, what is happening here?

Donald: Woman! I still see you! You gone!

[Aidy leaves] [Cut to Brenda and Donald]

Brenda: Damn, Donald! You’s a crazy bitch.

Donald: I just get angry sometimes, you know?

Brenda: You know what? I feel you. I feel you. But you right here, I need you right here. [showing she needs him to be a little lower] You putting too much two on the 10. You know what I’m saying? I need you to pump your brakes just a little bit, okay?

Donald: Okay, I respect that from my heart. Real talk, good looking.

Brenda: You welcome, boo!

[Brenda leaves] [Cut to Sprint- Five Year Later] [Cut to Donald and a customer]

Donald: [speaking like Brenda] Well, I ain’t gonna sell yo no iPhone 10 coz  you ain’t a 10, honey. You’s a straight up four. Coming in here with your 3G clothes and your 3G purse.

Kate: I just wanna buy a charger.

Donald: You gone!

[Kate leaves]

Brenda: Donald! Can I talk to you for a second?

Donald: Sure enough. What’s up, sugar?

Brenda: Listen, at first I doubted that was your real voice. But, no one fronts for five whole years! So, I promise boo, we good okay? We good now.

Donald: Yeah, you do. I be me.

Brenda: But I actually have a confession to make. This is my real voice. [speaking calmly] This is how I really talk.

Donald: Whaaaat?

Brenda: See, I went to a good college, but when I showed up for my interview, they thought I was straight out of Compton so I just went with, you know, that voice and hid my real one for all these years.

Donald: [speaking in real voice] Oh, my god! Well, this is how I really talk. So, I guess I don’t have to keep pretending like I talk like you.

Brenda: [yelling] Bitch, I knew you was faking. Get your broke ass our of here you fake ass fronting for five years. You go!

Donald: Dammit!

Brenda: Old job at a hut looking white bitch!

[The End]

The Shoemaker & The Elves

Shoemaker… Louis C.K.

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]

Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.

[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]

Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.

[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]

Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.

Female elf: What seems to be the problem?

Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, no!

Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.

Female elf: No sir.

Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.

Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.

Male Elf: It could be physical.

Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: No! Just do better!

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: We won’t let you down.

[Cut to the wall clock ringing] [Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]

Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.

Female elf: Good morn to you.

Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?

Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?

Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.

Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.

Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.

Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.

Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.

Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.

Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.

[Male Elf bends over] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Guys!

Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!

Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]

Male Elf: Ah! Harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Male Elf: Whoo!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!

Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.

[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]

Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: So, act on that!

Male Elf: Act on that frustration!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Do it!

Female elf: Do exactly that.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Great idea!

Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: I’m ready!

Female elf: Into it.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Husband!

Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?

Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.

[Wife leaves]

Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.

[The End]

Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting] [yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.] [Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act] [starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.] [Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck] [The End]