Empire Promo

Lucious… Kenan Thompson

Cookie… Sasheer Zamata

Chip… Chris Hemsworth

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a show promo]

Male voice: Empire, the television phenomenon returns this week with all your favorite characters. Lucious.

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: This is my kingdom. And as long as I am alive, it will stand. Also, I’m dying.

Male voice: And Cookie

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I spent 17 years in jail and I haven’t aged a day!

[Cut to the clips of New York city]

Male voice: Empire has already taken black America by storm. But what about white America? We’ve got you covered. This week, we introduce a new character. Chip.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hi everyone.

[Cut to a meeting room filled with black people] [Cookie looking pissed off] [Cut to Lucious and Chip]

Lucious: He’s gonna be our new office manager.

Chip: Does anyone actually do any work around here? [laughing] [Cut to Cookie throws a can of coke at Chip] [Cut to Chip]

Chip: I’m just saying, my name’s Chip.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: Take a dip, Chip!

Male voice: Drama, we’ve got it!

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Dad, I love Hiphop. And I’m gay. Poof!

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: What the hell is poof?

Male voice: Ground breaking music. You bet!

[Cut to Michael in a studio rapping]

Michael: [rapping] drip drop
drip dripiddy drop
what the hell am I saying?
the hell am I saying? Seriously!

Male voice: If that’s not enough, now we’ve got a white dude.

[Cut to Chip clapping] [Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Lucious: Ay! Look, I was a good father to you.

[Cut to Jay and Cookie]

Cookie: No, you weren’t. When he was 9, you picked him up, put him in the trash can and put the lid on it.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Damn! That kid was trashed or something?

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Wow, this is my first day. This is fun.

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: I’m burning the whole world up. My own brother tried to kill me.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. Do you mind signing this card? It’s Cookie’s birthday. [Jay and Michael are staring at him angrily] Okay. Go empire!

[Chip leaves] [Cut to Michael and Cookie. Michael is using cellphone while Cookie is talking to him.

Cookie: Look at me while I’m talking to you. I sacrificed everything for this family.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: You want a medal, bitch?

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I want some respect!

[Cookie gets a broom stick and starts hitting Michael]

Michael: Ae! Ae! Ah! Ah!

[Chip walks in with a card and balloons. He sees Michael hitting Cookie so he walks away quietly.] [Cut to Chip and Leslie. In the office behind the, the family is quarreling.]

Chip: Um, just one question. You’ve turned in an expense report but there were no receipts with it.

Leslie: Yeah, I got the receipts right here.

Chip: Great, thank you.

[Leslie pulls her middle finger out of her bag.] [Cut to Empire video bumper]

Male voice: Empire, now with something for everyone!

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: You set me up!

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Chip: Guys, guys, guys. This meeting was supposed to be about Email Adecco.

[Cut to Cookie beating up Chip in the meeting hall with a broom stick.]

Cookie: I’m not going back to jail.

[Chip runs away]

Male voice: Wednesdays on Fox.