Tag: Mackenzie

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Henrietta & The Fugitive

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Mackenzie… Ryan Gosling

Farmer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two police officers looking for a criminal]

Beck: We know you’re in here, Mackenzie.

Alex: Come out, you bank robbing son of a bitch.

Beck: Nothing. Just a bunch of hay, cobwebs and this lonely, lonely hen.

[Cut to Hen. She is a chicken] [Cut to all]

Alex: [to the chicken] Have you seen anyone around here, hen? We’re looking for a fugitive.

Hen: Uh, who me? Oh, I haven’t seen a thing.

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Alright, big help, chicken. Let’s check the gas station down the road.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Good luck, boys. Buk-buk-buk-buk-buk-buk.

[The policemen walk out. Mackenzie comes in.]

Mackenzie: oh, babe. You played them like a fiddle. Oh, I told you you were a star.

Hen: Oh, you make me feel like a star, Freddy.

Mackenzie: Good luck, boys. Oh baby, how do you come up with this stuff?

Hen: Oh! You’re a flirt. I can’t believe you are taking me to Spain.

Mackenzie: Where? Oh, yeah, Spain. You better believe it, baby. And as long as the cops stay out of my business, it will just be you and me and Sangria and Paella from here on out.

Hen: And corn, right?

Mackenzie: Oh, sure. Little glistening loose kernels of corn like yellow diamonds as far as the eye can see.

Hen: Oh. I can’t believe I’m trading a barn for Barcelona.

Mackenzie: Alright, that’s enough for tonight. I’ll hit the lights and we’ll get some shut eye. [walking away and talking to himself] Come on, Freddy. What are you doing? She’s a chicken. You’re a lone wolf. You use them and you leave them. But what if she’s the one? Oh, stop.

Hen: Oh, Freddie, you called the airline, right? Ask them if you can bring a hen on the plane with her eggs?

Mackenzie: Oh, yeah. Those airline people, they even have the egg heaters on first class.

Hen: Oh, you got me going. Come on here.

[Hen and Mackenzie are about to kiss] [door knocking] [Beck and Alex walk in again]

Beck: Alright. Listen up, chicken. We found the crooks bandanna outside. Are you sure you haven’t seen anyone?

Hen: Why would I lie?

Alex: Ah! Let’s go search at his wife’s place.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh? I’m sorry. You are going to go where?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: At his wife’s. A beautiful woman. Long legs, soft kissable lips. Two arms with hands. Everything a fellow could want.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh. One other thing. Are there egg heaters on airplanes?

Beck: [laughing] No.

Hen: Not even in first class?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Chickens can’t go on planes. Sorry sweetheart.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: I see. [sad music playing] [Hen is crying] [Beck and Alex walk out and Mackenzie comes in]

Mackenzie: Now, Henny, you look at me. You look at me, Henny. You can’t listen to them.

Hen: You lied. You lied about everything. You even said you didn’t have a gun. Oh, what’s this? There, I got it. Oh! [Hen pulls out a gun out of Hen’s pocket]

Mackenzie: Careful! That’s a gun, Henrietta.

Hen: Oh, you think I don’t know anything coz I fumble with my wings. Well, you took me for a fool.

Mackenzie: Listen, yes. I did use you. And I am still married. And I am a criminal and I’m terrified of prison. But dammit, I have grown to love you.

[Farmer walks in]

Farmer: Hey, you done with that scarf yet? [looks at Mackenzie] Oh, man, who’s this?

[gun shot. Hen shoots Farmer.]

Oh! Henrietta, why?

[Farmer falls down] [Beck and Alex walk in]

Beck: The farmer’s been shot.

Alex: And the hen’s holding the gun.

Beck: Put down the ross-co, hen. You’re coming to jail.

[Mackenzie walks in]

Mackenzie: No! You leave her alone. You leave her out of this. I shot that farmer.

Hen: No!

Mackenzie: Don’t listen to her. I’m just a big stupid little fool.

Alex: Why did you shoot him?

[Mackenzie looks at Hen]

Mackenzie: I did it for someone I love.

[Beck puts Mackenzie in handcuffs]

I’m sorry.

Hen: I love you.

[20 years later] [Mackenzie walks out of jail. Hen is waiting for him.]

Mackenzie: Where to, Señorita?

Hen: Barcelona.

[Hen and Mackenzie kiss]

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders. 

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.