Old New York Show

Madge… Aidy Bryant

Dickie… Kate McKinnon

Terry… RuPaul

[Starts with Old New York Show intro.] [music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Buy some and drink it, booze,
oh! Drink it. It’s the Old New York Show. With Madge and Dickie. Hello!

[Madge and Dickie sit down.]

Madge: Yes, and welcome to the Old New York Show with Madge and Dickie.

Dickie: I’m Dickie Saint Painters. And this is my life long friend and drinking companion, Madge Caddington Boot.

Madge: It’s true. Dickie and I have lived on 36th floor of the beautiful Saint Bevis Hotel.

Dickie: Overlooking a full authority bus hospital.

Madge: Yes. Now we broadcast this show from our shared room straight to the Hotel TV channel One!

Dickie: We’ve lived in this room for over 50 years.

Madge: Yeah, there’s a rule on the books from Giuliani that if we set foot outside, we have to give it up. So, we love Rudy!

Dickie: Oh, come back Rudy!

Madge: Yeah, you know, New York, it used to be different. But now, it’s changed.

Dickie: Madge and I lived through the most iconic period of New York history.

Madge: 1994! Oh, early to mid 90s.

Dickie: The Rudy day.

Madge: Every apartment was a dollar!

Dickie: No Red Docks!

Madge: Dignified! And you know what? Music was like, this. [snapping her finger fast] Never slow. It was New York.

Dickie: Oopsie, doopsie doop.

Madge: Oh!

Dickie: Now the sound of diamonds falling onto a mirror means it’s time to admire our bubbles. Two, three, four.

[music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Gold rings on an old hand
gold rings on an old hand

Dickie: That was fun.

Madge: That was good. Oh, sure, you bitch.

Dickie: Oh, shut up. Shut up. Now, it’s time to introduce our guest.

Madge: Twice now. Dickie and I have married the same man. That’s right, so please welcome Terry Tees.

[Terry walks in and hugs Madge and Dickie]

Terry: Oh! Oh, Madge. Dickie! Oh! You girls don’t look a day over 30.

Madge: Oh, thank you.

Dickie: Sweet.

Terry: You look a million days over 30!

Madge: We love you. We love you. You know, we first met Terry in the barged off bathroom where we were all shoplifting silk.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. The three of us were stuffing our blouses with other nicer blouses.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: We were all putting on for three days, and when we left, we were friends for life.

Madge: Yes. Now, Terry, tell them what you do for living.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Well, by day I’m an unemployed shoe critic. By night, I’m an usher on Broadway where I yell at ladies to pee faster. And by morning, I’m asleep.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Now, we had some great times together in old New York, didn’t we Terry?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Oh, yes! Throwing costume jewelry off the Empire State building.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Falling off the side of the Staten Island ferry.

Madge: And, blowing all our cash betting on alley cats down in the gutter casino. Speaking of… two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: [singing] Gutter casino roulette
tiny tap table where the rats can bet

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Hah! Now, that was old New York.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come back.

Madge: Yes, Rudy! We love you. You killed all the whores.

Dickie: You sent all the screegy men to hell.

[knocking sound]

Okay, the sound of a rat falling into a fryer, means it’s time for our big praying.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry. Madge is picking up the phone]

Madge: Yes. Yes. Terry, call room service.

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Hello, room service? Do you have any turd soup?

Madge: Oh, you don’t? Well, that’s my favorite food.

Dickie: And now we’re gonna bomb the whole hotel.

All: Ha-ha-ha.

Terry: Hang up! Hang up!

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: I think they know it’s us but I don’t know how.

Madge: Yes. Yes. They can handle it. They gotta be tough. Why? Coz it’s New York city. City of trains, two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: G to the L to the One to the Q
took across town 7 till the uptown two.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: There’s a puddle on my seat. What should I do?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Sit in it baby. It’s New York!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

All: And that’s how I think
I got pee in one blink
in New York

Madge: Oh! De Blasio! You wish, De Blasio! You wish!

Dickie: The sound of bed bugs stampeding out of electrical sockets means it’s time to go to bed.

Madge: They’re hungry for us.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Aw, hey! You mind if I crash? I- I can’t stay at my apartment tonight because it’s been a CVS for 20 years.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Yes!

Madge: Of course!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry] [music playing]

All: [singing] It’s the Old New York show!

[The End]