Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Golden Globes

Kevin… Adam Driver

Vanessa Bayer

Cody… Kyle Mooney

Madison… Kate McKinnon

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with Kevin and Vanessa receiving the Oscar Award]

Kevin: Dreamworks, this was your vision.

Vanessa: And thank you to Debbie Liberman and the whole team at CAA. And oh, and to this wonderful man beside me. My writing partner and my husband. Kevin, you are my rock.

Kevin: And of course to our two beautiful children, Cody and Madison, mommy and daddy did it!

Vanessa: And if you’re watching this, go to bed.

[Cut to Cody and Madison watching the Oscars on TV]

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed.

Madison: I’m not tired.

[Cody turns off the TV and lights] [Cody and Madison are brushing teeth] [Cody and Madison are praying]

Cody: Dear lord. Thank you for giving mommy and daddy a Golden Globe.

Madison: And please watch over us until they get home.

Cody: Amen.

[Cody tucking Madison inside the bed]

Madison: But we didn’t get our story.

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed right now.

[Cody and Madison are on their beds staring at the ceiling]

Madison: Are you awake?

Cody: Yeah.

Madison: Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us?

Cody: I know they are.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party looking at their awards.]

Kevin: We won freaking Golden Globes.

Vanessa: This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[Cut to Cody and Madison]

Madison: Mom looked pretty when she left. Do you think she’s ever gonna come back?

Cody: Yes, of course. [whispering] I don’t know.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party]

Kevin: I just turned next to Leo at the urinal. I saw his whole [bleep]. It’s huge!

Vanessa: I knew it. This whole night is so amazing.

[Cut to Cody and Madison sleeping. They wake by the owl’s noise.]

Madison: What is that?

Cody: It’s probably nothing.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party. Vanessa is sniffing cocaine and Kevin is imitating the award as it’s his penis.] [Cut to Cody and Madison waiting at home awake] [Cut to Kevin and Vanessa getting to another party where security stops them]

Security: Guys, guys, guys. Stars only.

Kevin: [bleep] you man! Don’t push my wife.

Vanessa: Be a man for once Kevin. Hit him.

Security: You don’t wanna hit me sir.

Kevin: Hold on to your hats. You’re about to get pounded.

[Kevin jumps on security] [Cut to Cody. He looks at time and it’s 5 in the morning.] [Cut to the security chasing Kevin and Vanessa] [Kevin and Vanessa run. Vanessa falls down.] [Kevin looks at Vanessa, turns around and runs.] [Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Hey! Come back here!

[Cut to Cody and Madison in the morning. They wake up and go downstairs looking for their parents. The award is broken on the floor.]

Cody: Look, I told you they’d come back.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa sleeping on the couch. They look hammered.] [Cut to Liev Schreiber making breakfast at the kitchen]

Leiv: You kids like eggs? Good! Me too. Your parents are very cool people. Very cool. We had a good cool time. You kids can dress yourselves for school, right?

Cody and Madison: Um-hmm.

[Leiv starts making eggs and Cody and Madison go to get ready for school] [Cut to Cody and Madison at the stairs]

Cody: I hate the Globes.

Madison: I love you big brother.

Cody: I love you too.

[The End]