Tag: Male

Straight Male Friend

Carson… Bowen Yang

All: Cheers!

Carson: Like most gay men, I have a lot of straight female friends and I love my girls. They can be a lot. Both financially-

Chloe: Wait, Carson, you’re coming to Tulum, right?

Carson: You know it, sis. And emotionally.

Heidi: Tulum is where Dylan and I were supposed to go before we broke.

Carson: Oh, I’m so sorry babe. As much as these girls mean to me, sometimes I need a break. And that’s when I discovered straight male friend.

Travis: What’s up? [playing video game] Yo, watch me head chop this bitch. Boom to the doom.

Carson: Amazing. Street male friend is a low effort low stakes relationship that requires no emotional commitment, no financial investment and other than the occasional video game related outburst-

Travis: [raging] Oh man, this game’s stupid.

Carson: No drama.

Travis: Yo, you want to grow your wings?

Carson: If I didn’t check in with my gal pals every day or two, it would turn into a whole thing. That’s never an issue with straight male friends. Hang out with them as little or as much as you want. It won’t affect the friendship at all. Watch this. Hey, I might be moving to Europe for seven years.

Travis: Dope. Just hit me when you’re back.

Carson: Straight male friend is easy. And even he’s having a rough time emotionally, he’ll never bring me into it. [to Travis] You okay? seem a little upset.

Travis: Man. My dad died last week.

Carson: Oh.

Travis: But it’s alright, you know? Try this wings?

Carson: Straight male friend isn’t perfect and may ask blunt questions about your sex life.

Travis: So like, do gay guys like when a guy has a big one? Or is it kind of like a bad thing?

Carson: Depends on the guy. But he’s only asking because he’s honestly curious. There’s something sweet about that. Does straight male friend provide the same deep rewarding relationship I have with my girls? No. Does straight male friend know my last name? No. And that’s kind of the beauty of it. But if you are missing a little drama, just say this. I bet I’m faster than you.

Travis: Dog. Bro, for real? You think you’re faster than me? I will go outside on the street and dust your ass right now. Let’s go, come on. Come on.

Carson: So if you’re a gay man who needs a break, come discover the casual low effort friendship gay women have known about for years. Straight male friend.

Travis: Yo, sorry about being a pussy about my dad dying earlier, man. That won’t happen again.

Male voice: Straight male friend, available everywhere. Except therapy.

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.