Making Man

Mikey Day

Zachariah… Beck Bennett

Isaiah… Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Anya Taylor-Joy

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Zelda… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Jesus… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with celestials designing human man in heaven. There’s a human man design. It has long hair, mustache and beard and hair all over his body.]

Mikey: Okay, so I just spoke with god and he’s ready to see our design for human man.

Zachariah: Nice.

Mikey: But he wants the team working on human woman to take a look first. So, what’s left to do here? Zachariah, where did you guys land on hair for a human man.

Zachariah: We’re putting it pretty much everywhere.

Mikey: Alright. You still want to put hair in the butt crack?

Zachariah: We like to try it. Yeah.

Mikey: Okay. Just be prepared to defend that choice to god because he will bring that up.

[Team working on human woman walk in]

Anya: Hey. We’re the human woman team. God said we should stop by. [looking at the human man model] Is this human man?

Mikey: Yeah. Come on in. Take a look. I think you’ll like what you see.

Ego: Hmm, okay. And is this final?

Mikey: Well, it’s not done done yet, but…

Ego: Yeah, good.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s interesting. I mean, I see it with one huge toe instead of five.

[the human man design had only one huge thumbs on his feet.]

Mikey: Well, like I said, this isn’t final.

Zelda: I think it’s cool.

Aidy: Zelda, don’t.

Kate: It’s got a lot of hair. Human woman doesn’t have nearly this much.

Zachariah: And human woman is going to be cold all the time. Watch.

Anya: By the way, I don’t know if you guys have heard but we have figured out how to have human woman make food for the baby.

Isaiah: Liar!

Mikey: Isaiah, please. I’m sorry, which part makes the baby’s food?

Anya: Oh yes. The two bumps on the chest. The name might change but right now we’re calling them squeezies.

Kate: Yeah. The squeezies make the milk and it comes out of the nipples.

Ego: May I ask what the nipples on human man do?

Isaiah: That’s an excellent question. The nipples are to create the illusion of a giant face to scare of predators.

Zelda: Cool. That’s really smart.

Aidy: Zelda, that’s enough.

Kate: Sorry, the nipples are the eyes and the mouth is what? The little hole there?

Isaiah: Obviously.

Ego: Okay, you know, maybe human man’s nipples could product milk too. I mean, that would be very–

Isaiah: [angry] They are there to create the illusion of a giant face. I mean they’re giving notes now?

Anya: No. It’s good. But sorry, what’s going on here? Are these reproductive organs?

Mikey: Yup. The dangler and the wrinkle pouch.

Ego: And is that final?

Mikey: Name might change. But we think god will dig the design. As you can see, the dangler uses three different colors of skin. And it can grow and shrink.

Zelda: Wow, that’s fun. Can we see it grow?

Aidy: Okay, Zelda, go wait outside. Go.

Anya: Now, what happens when human man runs. Does the dangler retract? Or…

Zachariah: That’s cute. No. It bounces around and smacks into his legs.

Kate: Won’t that hurt?

Mikey: No, the dangler’s extremely tough. He can squeeze it as hard as he wants. It will be fine.

Ego: And what about the wrinkle pouch?

Isaiah: Oh, that’s extremely sensitive. If you flick it, he will fall over and vomit.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yes, it was.

Kate: Okay. And this contraption can make the sperm needed to fertilize human woman’s eggs?

Mikey: I don’t know. It only makes about a billion a day.

Anya: A billion? What happens if they build up in the wrinkle pouch?

Mikey: Isaiah, you want to take that one?

Isaiah: He gets stupid and goes crazy.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yeah, it was.

Anya: Well, I guess this will have to do. Thanks fellas.

[walking away]

Aidy: What were they thinking?

Ego: Girl, they weren’t.

Mikey: Okay, don’t spin out, guys. We’re fine. Maybe we do five toes instead of one, but otherwise, I think we’re golden.

[Jesus walks in]

Jesus: Oh, the dudes.

Isaiah: Hey, what’s up, Jesus?

Jesus: What if I chill here? I feel like people avoid me because I’m god’s son or whatever. But I’m actually a pretty laid back guy.

Mikey: We’re really busy, Jesus.

Jesus: Oh, good. I’m actually supposed to meet some homies right now. I’ll get out of here.

PottyPM

Man… Kyle Mooney

Woman… Jennifer Lopez

[Starts with a man trying to sleep at night]

Man: Do you ever find yourself in this situation? It’s the middle of the night and you’ve to go to the bathroom. But it’s so cold. You’ré tired. And the toilet seems just too far away. Are you going to try hold in it for the rest of the night?

[The man is looking at the toilet and nodding]

Well, you don’t have to anymore.

[Cut to the man introducing the product]

Introducing, Potty PM. Now, you can do your business while staying nestled under your covers. And the only place you’ll be going is dreamland. Potty PM technology is so easy to use. Just clamp our patented discharge nozzle to your toilet seat. Walk the Potty PM hose back into the bedroom. Place your privates into the Potty PM feeder. Buckle up and tuck yourself in for a good night’s sleep. When it’s that time, all you have to do is let it flow. Potty PM, it’s that easy.

[A woman joins the man]

Woman: And how does it work for women?

Man: What’s that?

Woman: Is that also for women?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Good, ‘cause we have to go in the middle of the night, too. So how does it work?

[Cut to the man]

Man: You put the tube inside of your—

Woman: Inside?

[Cut to the man and woman]

Man: Isn’t there like a flap so you could like—

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: Is it the— clitoris?

Woman: What?

Man: The clitoris?

Woman: No, urine comes out of the urethra. You have one, too.

Man: Oh, yes, now I remember. Yes, the Potty PM for women would work, like, you, like, tie it. And then—because butt has nothing to do with it, right? Wait, how many holes does the girl have again?

Woman: You know what?> Maybe Potty PM is just something for guys.

Man: That’s okay?

Woman: Yeah! It’s fine.

Man: Potty PM. It’s just for guys. And girls can sleep on the toilet.