FaceTime with Rudd

Paul Rudd

Mandy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Paul Rudd in his house Facetiming]

Paul Rudd: Hey, I’m just gonna Facetime with my cousin real quick. I haven’t seen her since we were kids and she’s just checking in with the family, wants to make sure everyone’s okay. [Facetime ringing] Oh, there she is. Hello?

Mandy: Hello? Little Pauley?

Paul Rudd: Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah, Mandy. Pretty Mandy.

Paul Rudd: It’s been a while.

Mandy: Yeah, it has. So, do you still go swimming?

Paul Rudd: Um, well, um, sometimes.

Mandy: I knew it. I knew you still swim. Yeah. Um, do you still do coloring?

Paul Rudd: Oh, not much coloring these days. No.

Mandy: That’s okay.

Paul Rudd: Are you okay? You seem a little– I don’t know. Forgive me for asking. Do you have coronavirus?

Mandy: No. Do you have coronavirus? Man, you different. You changed, little Pauley, you changed.

Paul Rudd: Well, I would imagine so. Yeah. I haven’t seen you since I was seven. I mean, I’m grown. I’ve got a wife. I’ve got a demanding job.

Mandy: That’s not what I heard. No. Because cousin David said all your jobs got shut down.

Paul Rudd: Oh, well, yeah. Everyone’s kind of did.

Mandy: No. No. I saw the movie Wonder Woman did with all the other celebrities where they sang the [singing ‘Imagine’] Imagine there’s some people

Paul Rudd: Oh, that wasn’t a movie. That was just a thing.

Mandy: So, you weren’t famous enough to be in there?

Paul Rudd: No. Apparently not. Hey, it’s not so bad, honestly. It’s kind of nice taking a bit of a break. Made some fun summer salads.

Mandy: Ooh, ratatouille.

Paul Rudd: Yeah. That’s–

Mandy: The movie sucks.

Paul Rudd: Ratatouille does? It’s a good movie.

Mandy: Speaking of movies, weren’t you nominated for Golden Globe award?

Paul Rudd: I was. Yeah. That was a real thrill.

Mandy: Yeah. But then whose name did they read? That’s the winner.

Paul Rudd: Ah! Not mine.

Mandy: No, they didn’t. They said, “The Golden Globes goes to Ramy Youssef.”

Paul Rudd: That kind of stuff doesn’t matter much to me.

Mandy: It will matter once Ramy Youssef is the new Ant-man. When he’s wearing your suit. Pretty soon, Ramy Youssef is gonna be the new You-ssef.

Paul Rudd: You don’t have to keep saying Ramy Youssef. I get it. What about you? You’ve won any awards lately?

Mandy: [showing a trophy] Last night, I won tic-tac-toe.

Paul Rudd: What’s ti-ta-to?

Mandy: A tic-tac-toe. Three x’s in a row.

Paul Rudd: Tic-tac=toe, got you.

Mandy: I played down at the bar and I got–

Paul Rudd: I don’t think you’re supposed to be going to bars.

Mandy: No one got corona at Jizzy’s. Plus I wore my gloves. [showing her biker gloves]

Paul Rudd: Those are fingerless gloves. I don’t know–

Mandy: Hey, you remember when we kissed?

Paul Rudd: You know what? I think I’m gonna jump off for a second.

Mandy: We kissed! And you started.

Paul Rudd: But it’s been so nice talking to you. Freezing up. Hold on.

[Paul Rudd hangs up]

Mandy: Where is he? I’ll call him back.


James Franco

Dave Franco

Mandy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with James Franco in veranda]

James Franco: I’ll be in a minute mom. I’m just finishing up a call. [talking on the phone] Yeah, sorry. Um, my mom’s doing a whole thing. Yeah, Franco family reunion for, yeah, the holidays. Yeah, a lot of people I haven’t seen forever. Anyway, I’ll catch up with you later. Okay? Alright, bye.

[Mandy walks in from the gate. She is dressed like a boy and she looks sick.]

Mandy: James? Little Jamie?

James Franco: Yeah? I’m sorry. Who are you?

Mandy: It’s me, your cousin.

James Franco: Wow, wait a second. Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah, Mandy. Pretty Mandy.

James Franco: Oh, my god! Hi. Wow! How long has it been? Like, 20 years?

Mandy: Yeah, man. We got a lot of catching up to do. So, do you still go swimming?

James Franco: Yeah. I still swim sometimes.

Mandy: Yeah? And do you still eat candy?

James Franco: Yeah. I eat candy.

Mandy: Yeah? Good for you, man. Yeah. You know what? Man, I’m not gonna be there on the bus. I’ve been wanting to ask you something.

James Franco: Okay. [James Franco is reaching for his wallet] I think I know what you’re gonna ask.

Mandy: Do you need help?

James Franco: What? What?

Mandy: Do you need help? Because I heard the movie you got coming out is supposed to be a bad movie.

James Franco: The Disaster Artist?

Mandy: Yeah.

James Franco: Oh, no. It’s based on a guy who made a bad movie. Yeah.

Mandy: Okay. Little Jamie, whatever you say. But remember when you used to make good movies? Like, with the apes? Come on, man! Let me help you.

James Franco: No. Really. I’m good. I’m good. What about you? How have you been?

Mandy: Me? Really good. In October, I hit the bullseye.

James Franco: A bullseye? Like, in darts?

Mandy: Yeah, man. I was the only person at quickies to hit a bullseye that day. Yeah. They named a drink after me. A pretty Mandy.

James Franco: What was in it?

Mandy: Gin.

James Franco: What else?

Mandy: A straw. Man, don’t try to change the subject, man! Come on! Just let me help.

James Franco: No. I’m telling you, I’m doing great. My movie which a lot of people are saying they like, it comes out around Christmas.

Mandy: Oh, yeah, sure. Like that North Korea film.

James Franco: The Interview.

Mandy: Yeah, right. Your movie. Man, I told my friends Cliff and Paige that my cousin has a movie coming out, and we all went to get tickets and they said it was cancelled. You embarrassed me, man.

James Franco: It wasn’t my fault. The theaters refused to show it. I–

Mandy: It was so bad, they refused to show it?

James Franco: No. No. They still released on crackle.com.

Mandy: Crackle.com? So, zero people saw it? You know what? I can say you’re getting defensive. So, let’s stop it, man. So, are you still brothers with Dave?

James Franco: Yeah, he’s still my brother. He’s right inside. Why?

Mandy: Well, you know, my brother Gary don’t talk to me no more.

James Franco: Oh, what happened there?

Mandy: Well, I got too big for him when I hit that bull–

James Franco: The bullseye.

Mandy: Bullseye. Yeah, man. He got jealous. But you know, I think it’s cool that you have not done enough to get Dave jealous of you. Oh, come on! Just let me help you out. Man, what do you need? [Mandy opens her fanny pack] You need money?

James Franco: No.

Mandy: You need the dart that hit the bullseye?

James Franco: No. I don’t need any help. I have a very successful career. I was nominated for an Oscar.

Mandy: Yeah, but you lost. You did, man. You lost the Oscar. Well, you know what? You should fire your agents, get with Dave’s.

James Franco: Alright, you know what? I’m gonna go inside and help my mom, alright? But congrats on that bullseye, alright?

Mandy: Peace!

[James Franco walks in and Dave Franco walks out. He looks at Mandy and gets really happy.]

Dave Franco: Mandy? Pretty Mandy.

Mandy: Dave! Little Davy!

Dave Franco: Wow! You are still smoking hot. Good for you.

Mandy: When you got it, you got it! Hey, you don’t know if James needed any help, right?

Dave Franco: Oh, yeah, yeah. You don’t need to worry about that. Let me worry about that, okay? And by the way, did I hear that you hit a bullseye? How?

Mandy: I threw the dart!

Dave Franco: Ah!