Ego Nwodim
Charlette… Cecily Strong
Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner
Maney… Aidy Bryant
Doctor… Owen Wilson
[Starts with the show intro]
[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]
Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?
Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?
Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.
Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.
Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.
Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?
Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.
Charlette: How did I ask?
Maney : You have a lot of debt.
Charlette: How did I ask?
Maney : You have a lot of debt.
Charlette: How did I ask?
Maney : You have a lot of debt.
Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.
All: Hmm.
Dee-dee: I like it.
Charlette: See, I do too.
Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–
Charlette: Don’t say it.
Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.
Ego: Alright, go ahead.
Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed
Charlette: Yea, you just said that.
Maney : Yea, your children are rude.
Charlette: You are a bad friend.
Maney : Yea, your children are rude.
Charlette: You are a bad friend.
Maney : Yea, your children are rude.
Charlette: You are a bad friend.
Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.
[a doctor walks in]
Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.
Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?
Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.
Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?
Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.
Dee-dee: Okay.
Doctor: Can I have your full name?
Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.
Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.
Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.
Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?
Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.
Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.
Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!
Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?
Dee-dee: Like, in general?
Doctor: Yes.
Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.
Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.
Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.
Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.
Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.
Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?
Maney : I think it’s just Pope.
Charlette: I can’t keep up.
Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.
Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?
Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.
[Doctor walks in again]
Oh, okay. The man is back
Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?
Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.
Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?
Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.
Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?
Maney : Oh. Just one.
Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.
Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?
Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.
Maney : Of commercials?
Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.
[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]
Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.
Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.
Charlette: Countless times.
Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?
Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.
[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]
Well, sir?
Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.
Charlette: I’ve got covid?
Doctor: No. You have HPV.
Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?
Doctor: It does.
[Ego is alone on the table now]
Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!