Pregnant Co-Worker

Susie… Molly Shannon

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Jim… Kenan Thompson

Kennedy… Sarah Sherman

Marcello… Evan

[Starts with coworkers giving a gift to a pregnant coworker]

Susie: Oh my god, a waffle maker. That is so nice, Jackie.

Jackie: Well, I just thought maybe you could do Sunday morning waffles with your little girl.

Susie: That’s so sweet, I could cry.

Kennedy: We’re just so happy for you, Susie.

Andrew: Yeah, and we’re really gonna miss you.

Susie: Well, I’ll be back in a few months. Unless Jim fires me. [laughing]

Jim: Oh, come on now, I wouldn’t do that. That would be super illegal.

Susie: And hey, even though I’m starting maternity leave, I’m sure you’ll all be seeing plenty of me.

Bowen: I hope so. After all, I’m the godfather. I’ll make an offer you can’t resist. Still working on the impression.

Kennedy: I just can’t get over how beautiful you look.

Susie: Thank you, Kennedy. Honestly, I’ve actually never felt better. My nails are strong. My skin looks great. I’m just glowing. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Jackie: That is so inspiring.

Susie: Well, I’ll leave you guys with this saying that I found on brainyquote.com that really captures kind of the way I’m feeling right now. It’s so beautiful. [reading from a paper] “A mother always has to think twice. Once for herself and once for her child.” That just absolutely nails and maternal feeling surging through my body. Anyway, let me just grab this waffle maker. [Bends to grab the waffle maker, but then farts very long and loud.] God dammit, not again. How many freaking times is this gonna happen to me?

Jim: I’m sorry, was that-

Susie: A fart? Yes, Jim. I ripped a big old fart. Are you happy?

Jim: No. Definitely wouldn’t say happy.

Kennedy: So it was-

Susie: Not a baby, just gas. Yeah, Kennedy obviously. Guess you could have your waffle maker back. I can’t make Sunday morning waffles for a fart.

Jackie: Just keep it. I’m too embarrassed to explain why I’m returning it.

Susie: Dammit, I’ve been playing Mozart to a gas bubble for eight frickin month. I’m so stupid. [farts while sitting]

Andrew: Oh, smells like maybe it was twins. [giggling]

Jackie: Did you go to a doctor?

Susie: What kind of a doctor, Jackie? A fart doctor? Don’t taunt me. Whatever, at least I still get six months maternity leave.

Jim: You definitely do not. You forfeited your maternity leave when you’re stunk up the office.

Andrew: So Susie, this has happened more than once? [Susie is showing four fingers] Four times?

Bowen: How is that even possible, Sisie?

Susie: Oh my god.

Jackie: What?

Susie: I just remembered something. I feel so bad because I remember this morning on the bus, an old man gave me a seat. And then the bus hit a bump and he fell down in the aisle and he died.

Jackie: That was this morning?

Susie: Whatever. Well the good news is I can start drinking again.

Jim: You do know you have work, right?

Evan: Hey, Susie, I got your lunch order from the cafeteria.

Susie: Oh, thank you so much, Evan.

Jackie: What did you get?

Susie: Oh, I get the same thing every day. I get cat fish sliders. [starts eating] Umm, it is really hitting the spot in a very unbelievable way. [Susie stomach gets bigger instantly]

Jackie: Susie, look at your stomach.

Susie: Oh my god. It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: Guys, I have some really exciting news. I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant again. Well there’s no need to take a pregnancy test. Call it a mother’s intuition I really think it’d be a nice gesture for all of you to organize a baby shower for me.

Kennedy: You’re not pregnant, Susie. It’s just gas from you’re hungry ass pounding cat fish sliders at 11 AM.

Susie: Look Kennedy, I know you’re a single gal whoring around the city, so you couldn’t possibly understand how- [starts farting again] Oh my god. No. How much suffering can one mother bear? Whatever. At least I can smoke again.

Bowen: No, wait Susie, don’t light that cigar!

[As Susie lights the lighter, the office explodes with all the gas that she farted.]

Weekend Update- Marcello Hernández on Being a Short King

Colin Jost

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s April and that can only mean one thing, the celebration of short men that the internet has dubbed short king spring. Here in common is our very own short King, Marcelo Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: Hey, Colin. It’s great to be here.

Colin Jost: Hey, Marcello. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King?

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, well, it’s basically something women say as if it’s a compliment, but it’s kind of the condescending. Short King? It’s an insult followed by a compliment. You wouldn’t call someone a snaggletooth genius.

Colin Jost: Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you’re welcome for that.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, call it and Seto. I know I’m short. And you know how I know? Because when I lie about my height, I say I’m 5’9″, which means I’m really 5’7.5″, and I’m lying about the half. What height do you say Colin?

Colin Jost: Well, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Oh, so you’re 5’9″ nine?

Colin Jost: No, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: No, if you were 6 feet, you would say 6’2″.

Colin Jost: No, I’m exactly 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Then let’s stand back to back.

Colin Jost: I don’t want to do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Interesting. Colin, Short Kings like us should be proud of our heritage. You know, we come from a long line of grapes. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars Prince, Dominions, Al Pacino. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland. Lil Wayne, it’s right there in the name. Martin Short, again, it’s right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny DeVito. Beethoven the composer was five six, and the dog was even shorter.

Colin Jost: That’s great to know. Yeah, thank you. I think we get it. Yeah.

Marcello Hernandez: Now let’s think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is6’4″. Slender Man 6’Colin Jost0″. Armie Hammer, 7’3″.

Colin Jost: Armie Hammer is not 7’3″.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, sorry. I forgot you two were friends.

Colin Jost: We’re friendly.

Marcello Hernandez: No. You know, the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. They go too low and they use a baby voice. They go like, “Hey bud, everything gopd down there?” And then when they’re done talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it, and they don’t say it, but it does feel like they say it. When they’re done talking, they go “Alright, I gotta go back up.” Colin, what I’m trying to say is us tiny Titans, we got to-

Colin Jost: Stop saying us.

Marcello Hernandez: Then stand back to back with me.

Colin Jost: No.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Well look, short kings, we were born kings. We’ve become kings. We’ve done the work. We learned how to dance, not because we wanted to but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che, they don’t gotta learn how to dance. They just stand in the back of the party like… Meanwhile, you and me are down there on the desk working, Colin. And not because we want to but because we had to.

Colin Jost: Again, I’m 6 feet tall.

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, you’re a tower. Anywho, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large and be proud of the tiny little person that you are. So let’s show him, Colin. Stand up and go back to back with me.

Colin Jost: For the last time, I can’t do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Why not?

Colin Jost: Because Marcelo, I’m already standing.

Marcello Hernandez: I knew it. I knew it.

Colin Jost: My fellow short King, Marcello Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: We’re 5’8″. We’re 5’8″.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Marcello Hernández on the MLB Playoffs

Colin Jost

Marcelo Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new SNL cast member Marcelo Hernandez.

[Marcelo Hernandez slides in] [cheers and applause]

Marcelo Hernandez: Yes, thank you. Thank you, New York. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s up Marcelo? So are you a baseball fan?

Marcelo Hernandez: Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba. And my dad is from the Dominican Republic. So obviously, they’re divorced. But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I’m not saying we’re naturally better. I’m just saying we’re more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball? Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call Papi and no one knows why. This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you, daddy?

Colin Jost: I’d rather not say. What about like Aaron Judge? Right? He just hit his 62nd home run, set the AL record

Marcelo Hernandez: Yeah, I think it’s impressive, Colin, but there just wasn’t enough emotion for me. He hits his 62nd home run, puts the bat down gently. And then it’s a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. When a Dominican guy hits a homerun Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he’s ever encountered. He’s like “Thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from that day I beat up that one time.” Everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. The American announcer who’s been speaking English the whole game gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, “A now coming to the plane, frrrom San Do-Do-Diego, Starling Marte.” Cue the Merengue music. Even the white guys in the crowd are like, “To-go-to-go-tinga tanka kung kang.” Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the pitcher to relax. And then he brings Jesus into it, he’s like “In the name of the Father and…” And then once he gets to batting, Colin it’s all hips. Do you feel that Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure it feel it, yeah.

Marcelo Hernandez: Everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he’s done back. And the postgame interviews are different Colin. white guys are so boring. They’re always talking about the game. It’s like we had a game plan and we executed it.

Colin Jost: But I bet Latin guys do a different?

Marcelo Hernandez: Don’t do that, Colin. I don’t like that. But yes, it is very different. After a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it’s not about the game. The reporter is like “What was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, “Man, I love Miami man. The weather, the people, the food is amazing.” Have you noticed Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. You know? You ask them a loaded question and they go, “Well, for the song, I think that—” [starts speaking Spanish aggressive]

Colin Jost: Marcelo Hernandez, everyone.

Marcelo Hernandez: Thank you.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.