Tag: Marcello Hernandez

Drug Dealer

Andrew Dismukes

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Quinta Brunson

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]

Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.

Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.

Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.

Devon: You mean like, Coke?

Andrew: Yeah, man.

Devon: I don’t know.

Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?

Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.

[Marcello walks to them]

Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?

Andrew: What?

Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.

Andrew: Wait, seriously?

Devon: I mean, is it pure?

Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.

Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.

[Quinta also walks to them]

Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?

Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.

Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.

Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.

Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?

Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.

[Kenan also walks to them]

Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?

Quinta: No.

Marcello: They already decided, man.

Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.

Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.

Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.

Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.

Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’

Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort

Quinta: Mine is like…

[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”

Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.

[Punkie also walks to them]

Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?

All: No, we’re good.

Marcello: We’re all set, man.

Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.

Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.

Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?

Andrew: A poet.

Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”

Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]

Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?

Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.

Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…

[James walks in to wash his hands]

James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.

Marcello: It’s that white.

Kenan: I already said that one.

Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?

Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey

Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?

Andrew: What, no!

Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.

Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.

Kenan: Please tell us.

Quinta: I’m all ears.

Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.

Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.

Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.

Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.

Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.

Quinta: That’s pretty white.

Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.

Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.

Quinta: Okay.

Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.

Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?

Quinta: Well, nobody said that.

Kenan: I mean…

[all making excuses]

Waffle House

Zach… Marcello Hernandez

Casey… Jenna Ortega

Casey: Zach.

Zach: [to his boys] Hey, I’ll catch up you guys later, okay?

Hey, Casey. What are you doing here?

Casey: I know you and the guys usually hang out at Waffle House after the game. So I just figured you’d be here. I have something I need to tell you.

Zach: What’s up?

Casey: I’m not going to stay next year.

[the people inside the Waffle House are fighting]

Zach: What? We had a plan. We were both gonna go to state, and then move back to town after and get married. That’s what we wanted.

Casey: No, that’s what you wanted, Zach. Right? I want more. More than this state. More than this town.

Zach: More than me?

Casey: Yeah.

Zach: I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?

Casey: Nothing. I applied to this music program in New York City. I got in.

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Oh my god, whose dog is this?

Casey: Aren’t you gonna say anything?

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Get your dog out of here.

Zach: I mean, what do you want to say Casey? Congrats? I’m losing the love of my life.

Casey: I’m just the love of your life so far.

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Oh, the dog can’t be on the counter?

Casey: Okay? You’ll find other girls.

Zach: They won’t be you. I just- I can’t believe it’s over. We’ve been together since eighth grade.

Casey: I know. That’s the problem. I don’t know who I am without you. I owe it to myself to find that out. See, this wasn’t an easy decision.

Zach: You’re making a mistake, Casey.

[a police walks in the waffle house]

Casey: Maybe I am making a mistake, you know? But isn’t that what grown up is? About taking the big chances? Making the big mistakes. That’s just how we become who we’re meant to be.

[the police tasers Mikey in the waffle house]

Zach: If you say so.

Mikey in waffle house: You know where I’m putting this? Right down in my pants, baby.

Casey: It hurts with you, Zach. I know that this is the right decision. [gunshot in the background] Who knows? Maybe a few years from now, we’ll find each other again. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. You’ll always be my first love. Nothing can change that.

Zach: I guess.

Casey: Come here.

[Casey and Zach hug each other]

Thank you.

Zach: For what?

Casey: Everything.

Zach: I guess thank you too. Do you need a ride home?

Casey: No. My dad drove me.

[Mikey gets thrown out of the window of waffle house]

Mikey: [to Casey] You ready to go, baby girl?

Casey: Yes, dad.

Mikey: Freebird gotta fly, son.

School vs. School

Jay McCormick… Kenan Thompson

Sheila Cashman… Punkie Johnson

Manny Jackson… Marcello Hernandez

Gabe Bachman… Michael Longfellow

Professor Zander… Mikey Day

Zena Neutrilo… Jenna Ortega

Knockout… Molly Kearney

Jay McCormick: Welcome. Welcome everybody to School VS School where teachers team up with their star students to win big bucks. I’m your host Jay McCormick. Back after a brief hiatus. I was of course the key witness in a harassment trial of this show’s COVID representative who swab my anus in lieu of my nose every day for five months. But that’s all in the past now. So let’s meet up teams. From West Grove High in New Jersey, teacher Sheila Cashman and her students many Manny Jackson in Gabe Bachman.

Now, I’m told that your school has one of the best science departments in the country.

Sheila Cashman: Yes, and you can say that it’s A+.

Jay McCormick: Yeah, that’s cute. Alright, now let’s meet their opponents from Professor Zander’s Academy for extraordinary children. Professor Chandliss Zander and his students Zena Neutrilo and knockout. Now, it says here that your school is a 100 room Victorian mansion located within a 10,000 acre private forest?

Professor Zander: That is correct. We need ample space in which to train our students to harness their incredible gifts.

Zena Neutrilo: If my gifts are so incredible, than why won’t you love me?

Professor Zander: [yelling] Because you cannot yet control them, child.

Jay McCormick: Okey-dokie. Let’s just get to the game. are we feeling confident, team?

Manny Jackson: Heck yeah, Professor Zander’s Academy, you’re going down?

Knockout: We could enslave you.

Professor Zander: Knockout, no.

Jay McCormick: Well, that’s fun. All right, first question gets control of the board. Name for a random modification of DNA from parent to offspring. Zena.

Zena: Mutation.

Jay McCormick: Crrect.

Professor Zander: Oh, yes, mutation is a topic in which we are well versed.

Zena: That’s why they hate us.

Professor Zander: Zena!

Zena: They think we’re freaks.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Enough, child!

Jay McCormick: All right. Well, Zena, you have a chance for extra credit. The subject is English Lit. How’s your school’s English department?

Professor Zander: Our curriculum focuses more on harnessing our students’ abilities.

Zena: You always doubt me. Ask your question.

Jay McCormick: Okay then. “To be or not to be” is spoken by which Shakespearean protagonist?

Zena: Toby.

Jay McCormick: Wrong.

Zena: Argh, I failed. Oh, is that what you’re all thinking? The freak failed?

Sheila Cashman: No, I promise you sweetie, no one is thinking that.

Zena: Oh, you lie, you pathetic human.

[Zena tries to attack Sheila Cashman with her power, but Professor Zander stops her.]

Professor Zander: Zena, no, you can kill her.

[The whole stage is shaking by their powers]

Jay McCormick: Hey! Alright, hey! Now, I’ve just got blast and hit in the face with what I can only describe as electric wind. But since no points were awarded, control now goes over to West Grove high who are yet to get on the board. All right West Grove, here’s your question. Name the triangle which has three sides of equal length.

Gabe Bachman: I think there’s something wrong with our Teacher.

[Sheila Cashman is all blown up and had bloody nose]

Jay McCormick: Okay, no points there. Control back to Professors Zaner school I guess. Chance to steal. Triangle with three equal sides.

Professor Zander: Let me enter your mind.

Zena: I can figure it out on my own.

Professor Zander: I’m trying to help you, Zena.

Zena: God, stay out of my head.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Let me in.

Knockout: Stop fighting. [Knockout hits the table and breaks it]

Jay McCormick: Hey! We were looking for equilateral triangle.

Zena: Argh! I shouldn’t be here. I should be on the team using my powers.

Professor Zander: [yelling] You are not ready, child!

Jay McCormick: All right, we’re gonna take a break. Let things calm down and see if we can get that lady’s brain back online. This is Jay McCormick reminding you that COVID swabs go in the nose and not the keister. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every day for five months, shame on me. Keep it right here.

Oscars Red Carpet Cold Open

Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez

Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner

Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman

Colin Farrell… Mikey Day

Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the  Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.

Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.

Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.

Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.

Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.

Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.

Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.

Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.

Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.

[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]

Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.

Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.

Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.

Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”

Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?

Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.

Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?

Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.

Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.

Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.

Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.

Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?

Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.

Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?

Mario Lopez: No.

Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?

Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.

Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.

Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.

Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?

Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.

Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”

Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.

Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.

Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.

Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.

Colin Farrell: Hello.

Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?

[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]

Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.

Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.

Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.

Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.

Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?

Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.

Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?

Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.

Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.

Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.

George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.

Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.

George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.

Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.

George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.

Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.

Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.

Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Protective Mom

Louis… Marcello Hernandez

Britney… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Pedro Pascal

Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.

Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.

Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.

Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]

Louis: Mama.

Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.

Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.

Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.

Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.

Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?

Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.

Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?

Britney: Is she talking about me?

Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.

Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?

Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.

Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.

Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?

Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.

Mother: So she doesn’t like money.

Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.

Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?

Louis: Mama, please.

Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.

Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.

Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.

Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.

Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.

Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?

Louis: Oh, no, no, no.

Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?

Mother: What?

Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.

Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.

Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.

Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.

Britney: Okay, she hates me.

Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel

Britney: What?

Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.

Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”

Britney: What is she saying?

Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.

Britney: What?

Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.

Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.

Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?

Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?

Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?

Louis: Oh my god.

Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?

Video Game Session

Stephen… Andrew Dismukes

Trace…Michael B. Jordan

Danny… Bowen Yang

Frank… Mikey Day

Marcello Hernandez

Stephen: Okay, guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game.

Trace: Excited to be here. Thanks.

Danny: Thrilled to be on board. Whoo!

Stephen: And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. Our last actor Frank quit due to creative differences. And because I slept with his wife.

Marcello: Argh, actors.

Stephen: I know. So Trace, you’ll be playing Ken, a former US national fighting champ.

Trace: I’m totally in my element. I served for years.

Stephen: And Danny you are a martial artist seeking true strength, Ryu.

Danny: Whoo, love.

Stephen: All right, well, for this first take, let’s just get both of you recording efforts. Taking blows, landing hits, that kind of thing.

Marcello: I’m rolling.

Stephen: And action.

Trace: Uh, ugh, ah, hah, hai-yah, urghh.

Stephen: Yes, that’s great. Danny, let’s get the same from you.

Danny: Okay. Whoo! Wohoo! Ah-woo! Yay! Whoo!

Stephen: Let’s cut. Let’s cut.

Danny: That was really fun. Thanks for letting me play.

Stephen: Yeah, so I guess we were looking for more grunts, you know? You’re fighting, you’re in pain.

Danny: Oh, I see. [looking at Trace] So maybe do it like you’re fighting or you’re in pain.

Trace: Okay, got it. Got it. Got it.

Stephen: No, no, Trace. You don’t need to change what you were doing. But Danny, maybe it’s more aggressive, animalistic, that kind of thing.

Danny: Hmm, yes, Chef.

Stephen: All right. And Action.

Trace: Ugh!

Danny: Whoo!

Trace: Uh!

Danny: Aru!

Trace: Huuuh!

Danny: Woof!

Trace: Wouf!

Danny: Wouf! Wouf!

Trace: Hoof! Hoof!

Danny: Meow!

Trace: Oink!

Danny: Snake!

Trace: Ka-ka-doo-doo.

Stephen: Cut. Okay, no. Trace, don’t match what he’s doing.

Trace: Oh, okay. He’s just an amazing scene partner. So.

Danny: Thank you. And I was just taking your note. You said to do animals.

Stephen: Yeah, but I said a bunch of stuff before that.

Danny: Well, I have auditory recency bias. So you can’t say that to me. I could sue you.

Trace: Okay guys, guys. Please don’t fight. It reminds me of the war and of fighting.

Stephen: You know what? Let’s just move on. We need to get these quick verbal phrases to say during the fight. And action.

Trace: Take that.

Danny: Hey, I like your necklace.

Trace: What? This old thing? Thanks.

Danny: See? Kindness wins.

Trace: You’re right. Let’s not fight it.

Danny: Yay, I forgot to ask. What are your pronouns?

Trace: He/him.

Stephen: Cut.

Danny: I’ll tell him. Ken is he/they.

Stephen: Guys? We can’t use any of that.

Danny: Aww, that makes me sad. Is there a reason?

Stephen: Yes, it’s because no one sounds like that when they fight.

Trace: That’s actually not true. I mean, you remind me exactly as someone I served with in Iraq.

Danny: Oh, you went to Iraq? Where did you stay?

Stephen: Dan! Didn’t want to say this, but you just need to play a more hetero.

Danny: Okay, you should have just said that in the beginning. I got it. Let’s roll. Hey, brother, Ken, biceps looking huge.

Trace: You looking pretty swole yourself, bro.

Danny: I saw you changing in the locker room, but I was completely soft my dude.

Trace: How the hell do you know my name?

Danny: Hey, easy brother. My wife’s on this app.

Stephen: What are you talking about? This isn’t an app.

Danny: It’s a video game? Well, then brother. I’ll race you to the GameCube brother.

Stephen: What? Danny, Dan. Answered me honestly. Do you really think you would sound like this in a real fight?

Danny: Yes, I would brother.

[Frank walks in]

Stephen: Oh my god. Frank. What are you doing here?

Frank: I told you I’ll kill you for sleeping with my wife.

Trace: No. I’ll protect you. [pushing Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [hitting Frank] Whoo!

Trace: [slapping Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [pushing Frank] Meow!

Male voice: KO!

Stephen: Well, I’ll be damned. You two just saved my life.

Danny: No, Stephen, Ken and Ryu saved your life.

Towel Guys

Kenan Thompson

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with two towel guys talking to each other]

Kenan: And they looking man, they looking, they looking, and then somehow they find Nemo?

Marcello: No. That’s crazy, man. It’s a big ocean and like a small little fish.

Kenan: Oh man. They got lucky, man. What can I say? They got lucky?

Heidi: Hey, can I get a towel?

Kenan: Yeah, one more. Hey, you American?

Heidi: I am, yeah.

Marcello: Ellen Dememenemes?

Heidi: What?

Marcello: You know, the TV lady. Ellen Demenemes. She always come out dancing. You know what I mean? Like…

[Marcello and Kenan start dancing]

Heidi: Okay.

Kenan: You don’t know Ellen Demenemes? She married to the car. The Porsche. This chick is funny, man.

Heidi: Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres. Can I please have my towel?

Marcello: Of course. No problem.

Heidi: Okay, that took way too long.

Kenan: [mocking] Oh, I’m sorry. Way too long. You know? Last night I saw this movie ‘Mission Impossible’. But the mission not impossible because he gonna do it.

Marcello: They should call it ‘Mission He Probably Gonna Do It’.

Kenan: Right?

Michael: What’s up, fellas? Can I get a towel por favor?

Kenan: Oh, my friend is on dualingo.

Michael: Ah! You know, to show you a little taste.

Kenan: Yeah. You American?

Michael: Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.

Marcello: Oh, Tony Soprano.

Kenan: Tony Soprano.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli.

Kenan: Give me a cannoli.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli, or I’m gonna drown you.

Kenan: One thing about Tony, man. You don’t give him his Cannoli, he gonna drown you. That’s easy for him coz he’s strong.

Marcello: Hey man, here’s your towel.

Michael: Thanks. Gracias. Todo del banyo.

Marcello: Dualingo.

Kenan: You’re welcome for the bathroom, man. Did you guys see?

Mike: Ah, what’s so funny?  Did you guys see Ellen Demenemes?

[They start dancing]

Kenan: No, no. She’s not here.

Mike: Well, I just want to take in with my two favorite towel guys.

Marcello: Hey, question for you. Is it true that you trying to replace us with a machine?

Mike: No, no, no, I would never do that. No.

Kenan: Could you please?

Marcello: Yeah, man, because then we can do different job in the hotel. You know, I want to fold the toilet paper into a little triangle. So for the first wipe is crazy.

Kenan: Yeah. And I want to be the concierge. You know? I get a map. And then I circled things on the map. And then I say you can go down.

Mike: Well, as William Shakespeare once said, the very substance of the ambition is merely a shadow of a dream.

Sarah: Excuse me. I’ve been waiting 15 minutes for my umbrella.

Mike: Sorry, I no speak English. [Sarah leaves getting frustrated] Guys want to know a secret? I do speak English.

Marcello: Oh man, you’re crazy.

Kenan: Oh my god. Mamacitas, two o’clock.

Chloe: Hey, can we get a couple of towels?

Marcello: Oh yes, of course. This one for the old little mermaid and one for the new little mermaid.

Kenan: A whole new girl.

Chloe: Yeah, very funny, guys.

Ego: And that song is from Aladdin. Yeah.

Kenan: Aladdin?

Marcello: Like, climb on a-ladder?

Kenan: Climb on a-ladder.

James: Hey, I’m having the time of my life down here in Punta Cana.

Marcello: Oh, that’s nice.

James: Yeah, I love the way you’ll be playing with the plantain. I didn’t think I was gonna like it, but now I’m like banana for dinner? Okay.

Kenan: Hey, man, you know who you sound like? You sound like the Forrest Gump.

Marcello: Oh yeah. That guy who can’t find Yanni, you know? His brain don’t reach his leg, so he can run forever.

Kenan: So he can run forever.

James: Hey, I just want to thank you fellows for all your help today. Do you mind if I give you a little something for your trouble?

Kenan: Oh, yes. It’s okay, we accept tips, papi.

James: I’ll do you one better than a tip. How about a prayer? Here we go. Lord, please protect these wonderful Dominican gentlemen from the harsh rays of the sun Lord.

Marcello: That’s nice.

Kenan: I wanted the money.

James: Please, Lord, this morning, please put a cool fresh breeze in their hearts, Lord.

Marcello: That’s good.

Kenan: The money will be better.

James: And Lord, protect them from all evil in Jesus name. Amen.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

Marcello: You know Jesus is good.

Kenan: Yes, Jesus is good. Money is better. You know what I’m saying? Hey, you know who has a lot of money?

Both: Ellen Demenemes.

[they start dancing]

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.

HIV Commercial

Aubrey Plaza

Tommy… Mikey Day

Mario… Marcello Hernandez

Michael Longfellow

Jamal… Devon Walker

[Starts with people shooting at a studio]

Aubrey: All right. Let’s try to get this next shot in before lunch. I threw my breakfast at my assistant, so I’m starving. Tommy, I want you dancing on top. Camera then cuts to Mario. You’re poor and everybody shots. And then Jamal, you give your line while toasting Mario. sound good?

Jamal: Yep.

Tommy: Yeah.

Aubrey: Okay, places.

Michael: Divato commercial, club scene, take one.

Aubrey: Action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to Divato HIV treatment. I didn’t gay though.

Aubrey: Cut. Okay, that was a good first run, guys. Tommy, maybe a little better dancing up top.

Tommy: Yeah, got it. I can do a little more.

Aubrey: Not really more. Just better. Perfect Mario. And Jamal, buddy, I feel like you may be added a little there at the end.

Jamal: No, I don’t think I did that. No.

Aubrey: No, definitely.

Jamal: Okay.

Aubrey: The line is “That’s why I switched to do Divato HIV treatment,” then full stop.

Jamal: Yep. Got it. All right.

Aubrey: Good?

Jamal: Yes. Okay, let’s go again, from the top. And action.

Tommy: living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less, and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to the bottle HIV treatment. Fact you can get HIV from a girl. That’s how I did it.

Aubrey: Cut. Again. Again, wow.

Tommy: Did I mess up the dancing?

Aubrey: Yeah. It was worse this time. Once again, Mario, perfection. And Jamal.

Jamal: Yeah.

Aubrey: Buddy, you know what I’m gonna say.

Jamal: Oh, I messed up the dancing.

Aubrey: No. You add libs again. Are you comfortable with the script?

Jamal: No, I’m not at all.

Aubrey: What’s the problem?

Jamal: I just feel like it’s not clear that my character’s a stright, respectfully.

Aubrey: Okay, well, he’s not. This scene takes place at a gay club.

Jamal: Oh, word. Okay.

Aubrey: Yeah. Is that going to be a problem for you?

Jamal: No, not at all. I just ain’t know that.

Aubrey: Great, because I’d really love to get this scene wrapped before my salad gets cold. It’s a hot salad. Okay? All right. And let’s go again. And action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could say undetectable with fewer medici—

Jamal: Yo dude, I think it’s a gay club.

Tommy: What?

Jamal: I mean, you know, you know, I’m cool with that. I just didn’t know that.

Tommy: Okay.

Jamal: Facts. There’d be mad straight girls at the gay club and they’d be ready and that’s where I come in.

Tommy: Can somebody please yell cut?

Aubrey: Cut, cut, cut. [Aubrey is eating her salad] Sorry. Sorry, I took a bite of my hot salad. It burned the roof of my mouth.

Jamal: How did I do?

Aubrey: It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Besides Tommy’s dancing.

Tommy: I’m trying.

Jamal: I just feel like since I’m straight, my guy should be straight too. You know what I’m saying?

Mario: Dude, it’s just acting bro. I’m not actually gay either.

Jamal: Okay, cap.

Aubrey: Jamal, if you’re uncomfortable, we can just give your lines to Mario.

Jamal: Okay, do I still get paid the same?

Aubrey: No, you don’t get paid. You just go home.

Jamal: But I really need this job.

Aubrey: Okay, then say the lines.

Jamal: Okay, what is my guy got HIV from basketball like Magic Johnson?

Aubrey: No. Look, I appreciate you coming down but clearly you’re not mature enough to handle this role.

Jamal: Yeah. That’s a fact.

Aubrey: So why don’t you and Tommy just leave. Please.

Tommy: Wait. what? Me?

Marzipan

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

Marcello Hernandez

Austin Butler

Kenan: What do little children yearn for this time of year? The sweet treats they ask Santa for more than any ever. The confection they dream up most of all, is it candy canes? Hershey Kisses? No! It’s…

Kids: Marzipan. Yayy.

Kenan: That’s right. Marzipan, the mostly almond almost candy from Boubakeur, Germany with the flavor of nuts, but the texture of nuts. And what is its name?

Chloe: Marzipan.

Marcello: Marzipan.

Sarah: Marzipan.

Austin: Marzipan.

Bowen: Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: it comes in any shape you can think of as long as you mostly think of banana.

Chloe: Mine’s a little apple.

Marcello: And mine’s a pear.

Sarah: Mine’s a little unshaped log.

Austin: Me too. He-he-he.

Bowen: Mine’s… Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: That’s right. The child’s choice. The candy with as much protein as a bite of steak. But don’t take it from me. Take it from these strange British children.

Chloe: I love Marzipan. You can almost taste the taste.

Marcello: I used to think that the best candy was Circus peanuts. But now I know it’s Marzipan.

Austin: If a stranger said to me “Come in my car, I’ve got candy,” I’d say, “No.” But if they said “I have Marzipan,” I’d say “Abduct me, baby.”

Kenan: As soon as you finish one, you’ll want another and that’s probably enough. Just remember, don’t eat it within 12 hours of going to sleep or after 12 hours of waking up. Now children, would you like to see our expert chef making a fresh batch?

Austin: Me? I’ll go. I’m oldest.

Michael: Hello, there. I’m making Marzipan.

Austin: Is the recipe a secret?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Is it just almonds?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Do you mush them up?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: And then it’s Marzipan?

Michael: Yes. Oh, wait, let’s see if the batch is ready. [Michael tastes a little bit] Yuck, it’s perfect. And remember, it must be refrigerated and consumed within 50 years.

Sarah: Oh, it will never last that long.

Kenan: Now look what I have, children.

Chloe: Is that what I think it is?

Kenan: That’s right. A brand new pack of M.

Chloe: Mine’s a little pig.

Sarah: Mine’s baby’s ass.

Marcello: I think that’s a pear.

Bowen: Mine’s a little me. Oh, oh, oh.

Austin: Oh no. One is missing. Someone has stolen a Marzipan.

Kenan: Oh, silly me. All right, children time for the big number. The Marzipan reel.

[music playing]

[kids are dancing]

And now the song.

Kids: [singing] Marzipan, Marzipan
chocolate can’t do what Marzi-can
children love a special treat
how bout one that’s almost sweet
I’d like a bite, if I could
flavor is almost good
if my Marzipan could talk
It would say I taste like chalk

Maa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaar zipaa-aaa-aaa-aaan.

Male voice: Marzipan, you’ll believe your mouth. In the German aisle of CVS.