Punkie Johnson[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]
Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.
Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.
Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.
Devon: You mean like, Coke?
Andrew: Yeah, man.
Devon: I don’t know.
Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?
Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.[Marcello walks to them]
Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?
Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.
Andrew: Wait, seriously?
Devon: I mean, is it pure?
Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.
Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.[Quinta also walks to them]
Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?
Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.
Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.
Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.
Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?
Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.[Kenan also walks to them]
Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?
Marcello: They already decided, man.
Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.
Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.
Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.
Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.
Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’
Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort
Quinta: Mine is like…[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”
Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.
Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?
All: No, we’re good.
Marcello: We’re all set, man.
Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.
Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.
Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?
Andrew: A poet.
Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”
Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]
Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?
Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.
Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…[James walks in to wash his hands]
James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.
Marcello: It’s that white.
Kenan: I already said that one.
Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?
Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey
Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?
Andrew: What, no!
Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.
Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.
Kenan: Please tell us.
Quinta: I’m all ears.
Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.
Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.
Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.
Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.
Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.
Quinta: That’s pretty white.
Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.
Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.
Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.
Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?
Quinta: Well, nobody said that.
Kenan: I mean…[all making excuses]