Kevin Hart’s Son

Kevin Hart

Leslie Jones

Marcus… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Heinz Hall]

Kevin Hart: Thank you Pittsburgh, goodnight!

[Cut to Kevin Hart entering his dressing room]

Goodness, gracious.

[Cut to inside the dressing room. Leslie is sitting on the sofa.]

Leslie: Good show, Kevin. You’ve come a long way.

Kevin Hart: Ah, thank you. Who are you?

Leslie: You serious? You don’t remember me? [Cut to Leslie] You were the MC at Sweet Cheeks about 20 years ago at Linux city. And I found you after the show. We went to my place and it went down. It didn’t take long though, about 3 minutes. Then I took the blanket and you rested at my breasts right here.

[Cut to Kevin Hart and Leslie]

Kevin Hart: Stop. Stop. I swear to god, that’s a lie.

Leslie: It was magical. [Cut to Leslie] And now, I wanted to introduce you to your son. Marcus!

[Cut to Kevin Hart]

Kevin Hart: I’m sorry. What? Wait, wait, wait! My what?

[Cut to Leslie. Marcus enters the door.]

Leslie: Your son.

[Marcus is wearing exactly the same outfit as Kevin Hart]

Kevin Hart: Who?

[Cut to everybody]

Wait, who is this?

Leslie: He’s your son, Kevin. And I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted you to know.

Kevin Hart: Lady, listen to me and you listen good, okay? This man’s about 6’2″. Now, here’s the thing. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] There’s no way he’s my son.

[Cut to Leslie and Marcus]

Marcus: [snapping and clapping like Kevin Hart] Yeah! Here’s the thing, ma! Let me explain. [He’s talking like Kevin Hart] First of all, this is not my dad. It’s a waste of my damn time. That’s what it is. Okay, this man wasn’t my dad back then, he ain’t my dad now. Pow, pow, pow. Hmph! [laughing like Kevin Hart] [Leslie points at Marcus]

Leslie: There you go. You still think he’s not your’s?

[Cut to Kevin Hart]

Kevin Hart: Absolutely not!

[Cut to Leslie and Marcus]

Marcus: Listen, absolutely not! That’s right! Ma, I’ll tell you why. This is what happened, pow! Right there, see? Pow! First of all, look at his face. Man looks nothing like me. He looks like a damn Teddy Graham. That’s what he looks like.

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin Hart: Listen to me. He’s right, we look nothing alike. Okay? Look at this. [Kevin Hart walks to Marcus] I mean, come on! This doesn’t even add up. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps]

Marcus: You damn right it doesn’t add up! [Marcus snaps and claps like Kevin Hart] Listen, coz there’s nothing to add. Okay, this man, right here, [claps 20 times] not my dad! Umph!

Kevin Hart: I couldn’t agree any more. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] No relation.

Marcus: See? [Leslie snaps and claps] No relation at all.

Kevin Hart: Don’t need a paternity test for this.

Marcus: No need to go on. Pow!

Kevin Hart: Case closed! Pow!

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: So, y’all don’t hear each other at all? Y’all not hearing what I’m hearing?

[Cut to Kevin Hart and Marcus]

Kevin Hart: Okay, [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] you listen, you listen good. What I’m hearing is two complete strangers okay?

[Cut to everybody]

You got no proof, no records, no paternity test, no video, [cut to Kevin Hart and Marcus] no nothing. Appreciate you coming by, but unlike you I got things to do. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] Okay?

[Kevin Hart tries to leave but Leslie holds and carries Kevin Hart.]

Leslie: You get back here.

Kevin Hart: Oh!

Leslie: You have always been a knucklehead. And you still stupid now. Listen to him. [yelling] Listen to him, okay? You think I like going to the movies and see and think like a man and hearing my son’s voice in a sex scene? I don’t, Kevin! I hate it.

Kevin Hart: Okay, alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. You know what? I do kind of remember that grab. Now, I don’t want to be nasty but I swear to god girl, you just hit my spot.

Leslie: Oh yeah, I remember your spot.

[Cut to Kevin Hart, Leslie and Marcus]

Kevin Hart: Marcus, huh? Now, you seem like a handsome intelligent young man with a very sexy voice. Come here man. Oh, my god. I might have a son.

Marcus: Oh, my god! I might have a dad.

Kevin Hart and Marcus: Oh, my god! We might be a family.

[Kevin Hart and Marcus hug]

No!

[everybody laughing]

Leslie: This is so nice. It’s rather annoying, but, ah!

Funeral DJs

Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennett

Father… Mikey Day

Marcus… Harry Styles

Luke… Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video clip of a church]

Aidy: It’s so hard, knowing that you’re gone, Nana. [Cut to inside the church at funeral.] But at least we know you’re in a better place. Right, dad?

Dad: Yeah, I love you, mom.

[Aidy and Dad leave]

Father: Well, it’s clear that Betty had a special place in all of our hearts. Now, as it says in the book of Psalms, praise the lord god with timbrel and dancing. So we would like to close out today’s ceremony with a musical tribute from Betty’s close personal friends, Marcus and Luke.

[Dance music starts playing with disco lights] [Cut to the visitors of the funeral]

Aidy: What’s going on, dad?

Dad: I don’t know.

[Cut to the funeral casket. Two DJs come in making noise.]

Marcus: Yo, all right Meyer’s family. Time to turn up. Who’s ready to get sad today?

Luke: Who’s ready?

Marcus: How are we all doing tonight?

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: Yes.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: I said, how we all doing tonight?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Everybody: Bad!

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Luke: Now, we all are on board.

Marcus: Let’s blow this place up. And celebrate the life of Betty Meyers. 89 years old.

Luke: R-R-Rest in peace, bitch.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: Excuse me?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: She had a full life, yo.

Luke: Full ass life.

Marcus: But she’s gone now. And you sad, get your ass up right now.

Luke: Get your sad ass up. Yo, let’s bounce.

[Music changes to ‘Say Something’ by Big World]

Song: Say something I’m giving up on you.

[The DJs take off their glasses] [Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: I’m very confused by all this.

Melissa: Me, too.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: It’s okay to feel confused.

Luke: Because your grandma’s dead.

[Dance music stars playing] [Cut to the people at funeral]

Aidy: What is this?

Melissa: I don’t know. But I kind of like it.

Dad: I don’t. And it is my mom. Who are these guys?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We are funeral DJs. I thought that was obvious. Now we’ve got a question for you all.

Luke: H-H-How you holding up?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Alex: Get that laptop off my Nana’s casket, you jackass.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: Can’t do that. But I can ask you to follow us under the Facebook name DJ Casket!

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Wait, now I’m more confused. Is your name DJ Casket or DJ Casket Twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We only say this one more time. We are DJ Casket.

Luke: Twins..

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: How the hell are you guys twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke] [The music changes to Sarah McLachlan – In the arms of an angel]

Marcus: You know, even though Betty is not here, doesn’t mean she’s not around. \

Robot voice: She in heaven smoking blunts.

[Dance music starts playing again] [Cut to the people at funeral]

Melissa: Nana smoked blunts? That’s cool.

Aidy: Father Daigle, why are you doing this to us?

Alex: Get these guys out of here.

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Look, please remember that these guys were close personal friends of your mom’s.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: [In angry voice] And how do you know that?

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Because that’s what they said. Do these guys look like liars?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Dad: Yes, they said they were twins.

Melissa: I don’t know. I think these guys are kind of cool.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: All right. Before we bring this home, Scott is going to come around for the tithes and offerings.

[Cut to the people at funeral. There’s a man wearing funky dress and asking for offerings]

Pete: Hey, what’s up? We appreciate the money that jingles, but we love the money that balls.

Aidy: Who are you?

Pete: I’m the official manager of DJ Casket. Look, I know you’re sad today. But the good news is, heaven’s got brand new ho.

Aidy: What?

Melissa: Go grandma.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus:  All right. Let’s bring it home. And remember–

[Music changes to R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts]

Marcus: [Singing]

Don’t let yourself go

coz…

[Music changes to C+C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat]

Song: Everybody dance now!

[Marcus and Luke open their pants. They’re wearing underwear with ‘RIP Betty’ written on them.]

Marcus: Rest in peace, Betty.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Dad, why are you crying?

Dad: Because mom would have actually liked this.