Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out]

[Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938]

[Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

Singing Nuns

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Maria… Ariana Grande

[Starts with The Sound of Music intro]

Male voice: We now return to our special presentation of The Sound of Music.

[Cut to five nuns]

Vanessa: Where is sister Maria? She’s late for chore time.

Sasheer: And she has missed her morning prayers.

Aidy: Oh, what are we going to do about that girl?

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee

Vanessa: Her dress has got a chair

Sasheer: She walks on her way to mass
and whistles on the stairs

Kate: And underneath, she has colors in her hair

Cecily: I’ve even her singing in the Abby

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find the word that means Maria?

Sasheer: A-flidibi-dibid

Cecily: A will of the wiz?

Kate: A clown.

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Aidy: How do you? In your hand?

[Maria walks in]

Maria: Wow! Good to hear this, a bunch of nuns singing smack about me.

Aidy: Oh, Maria, we didn’t see you there.

Maria: Yeah, I know you didn’t. But I heard everything. And you thought Maria was a problem before? Well, buckle up.

Aidy: Goodness, you’re being a bit sensitive, Maria. We weren’t saying anything negative about you.

Maria: Oh, yeah? Then what’s the song called?

Vanessa: Well, it doesn’t really have a name.

Maria: Do no play with me right now!

Vanessa: Fine. It’s called ‘How do you solver a problem like Maria?’

Maria: Wow!

Cecily: What wow? It’s not about you. It’s about a different Maria. Maria Gutsn Schwertzn Wartz.

Maria: Nun, please, I know ya’ll sing shade about me all the time.

Kate: This is the first and only time we’ve ever sang it.

Maria: So you guys just made up that four part harmony with light choreography on the spot? Okay…

Aidy: But weren’t we merely discussing how to best guide our youngest sister on our path.

Maria: Nun, why are you coming for me so?

Aidy: What? What is this thing that you’re doing with your hands?

Maria: It’s a thing I made up so people know when I’ve had it. And y’all nuns are about to get red!

Aidy: Well, [clapping and hand gesturing like Maria] I think you’re being a very rude person.

Maria: Well, it’s your fault for calling me a will of the wisp and I know what that word means.

Sasheer: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s like, you know hen you call your friend a will of the wiz? It’s more like, “Oh, you my will of the wiz girl!”

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. That’s what we say to each other. It’s empowering, right? My will of the wiz?

Vanessa: Oh, see? That’s all that we were saying, Maria.

Maria: Um-hmm. I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get to my chores.

[Maria leaves]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Unpredictable as weather

All: Flappy as a feather

Cecily: She’s a darling, she’s a demon, she’s a–

[Maria comes in running]

Maria: Wow! I was literally gone for two seconds.

Kate: Okay, fine! We confess it, Maria. We talk about you. But you give us no choice.

[music playing]

[singing] You cry–

Maria: Wow! Stop starting the song. You know what? I don’t need this. I got hooked up with a babysitting seven children which literally sounds like a vacation compared to living with you virgins.

[music playing]

[singing] Which will leave us all to,
bye-bye-bye-bye-bye
Maria, out!

Cecily: Well, I have a feeling nun of us will miss her. Nun. You guys get it?

Aidy: Oh, you’re so bad.

[laughing]

[The End]