Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss] [Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss] [Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]

I Love My Dog | Season 44 Episode 11

Mark… James McAvoy

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mark, Chris Redd, Pete Davidson, Kenan Thompson warming up for rap music]

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah

Love that girl, she stay loyal in these streets
coz soon as I pull up to the crib she getting keyed up

Pete Davidson: She my main girl I get home she get at me

hop up on my lap like welcome home, daddy

Chris Redd: I love her.  I don’t even got to fake it

and when she’s at home she loves being naked

Pete Davidson: She’s my best friend, She shows love and respect

That’s why she walk around with my name on her neck

All: I love my bitch, my bitch is my dog [Chris, Pete and Kenan standing with their dogs]

good dog, good dog, only dog that’s all.

Bow wow, my dog, good dog I talk to my dog

Bow wow, she cute she bald,

big dog, little dog, fat dog, skinny dog, roof.

Chris Redd: My cranium and feed my Pomeranian

she doodoo on my carpet I say No that is not where duty goes.

Woof Woo,f that’s the classic sound of my Pitt with my basset hound

If my dog was a dog, then I re-up with a mini Pekinese In tea cup

Pete Davidson:  I’m allergic to these bitches I touch ‘em and start itchin’

if I see it then I pet it get the drugs up out the kitchen

Woof Woff, Zyrtec and a Benadryl and a Claritin ‘cause it’s getting real

I like my dogs hype, hype, hypoallergenic

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: We love dogs out here! You think this is a [Bleep] game?

You say something about my dog, I will literally murder you in your face!

Chris Redd: Woah, woah. Hey, Mark, man. You the DJ. Chill, bro. Chill, the hell is wrong with Mark?

All: My dog she comes when I call

Bow wow, My dog, silly dog, new dog, old dog, black dog, gold dog

[Cut to Kenan riding ATV with his dog]

Kenan Thompson: My dog’s name is Bryce, she my little pookie pookie

she love a little hat [The dog is wearing a little hat] but she really love a cooking

Got her own Instagram @pookiespike3

Bow wow, some say I rescue her but she really rescued me

Aw, look at her little face. You is a little boo boo in the hat. You do got a little hat on, don’t you?

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: Respect this dog! Or I’ma shoot you dead! I got shooters in the streets.

Chris Redd: Yo, Mark, man, enough with the death threats, man. Chill, bro.

Pete Davidson: Something ‘bout dogs, Mark.

Kenan Thompson: I don’t like Mark.

Chris Redd: Mark crazy, bro.

Lady rapper: You boys done? I got something to say.

Puggin and thuggin yeah, that’s cool

but the kissing disgusting

Kenan Thompson: I’m kissing pookie right now.

Lady rapper: Yeah, but I’m wishin’ you wasn’t

matter fact, I’ma keep it 100

[Lady rapper carrying a rabbit]

dogs are okay, but I love me some bunnies

hop hop bunny, bunny, bunny hop hop

There’s a bunny on money hop hop

frankly I don’t give shh-TZU,

bunnies are better than dogs it’s true, it’s true

Kenan Thompson: Now you talkin’ crazy.

Mark: My dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny!

All: Dog, dog, dog, dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny hop bunny.

All: She closed it, she fall.

My best friend my dog

Lady rapper: Bunny, hop.