Nugenix

Mark… Mikey Day

Frank Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Doug Flutie… Kyle Mooney

William Defoe

[Starts with a guy playing golf video game. Frank Thomas walks in.]

Mark: Whoa! Frank Thomas?

Frank Thomas: That’s me. What’s your name?

Mark: I’m Mark. I’m a huge fan.

Frank Thomas: I get that a lot.

Mark: Well, I don’t want to bother you. But you look great.

Frank Thomas: Well, in my age, I try to stay in the gym as much as possible.

Mark: I hear you. But once I turned William Defoe0…

Frank Thomas:  Let me get this energy? Put on a few pounds?

Mark:  You said it.

Frank Thomas: Lower drive? Can’t get hard anymore?

Mark: Well, lower drive.

Frank Thomas: It’s not your fault. It happens to every man. Testosterone levels drop as you age. That’s why you can’t get hard anymore.

Mark: I didn’t say that. [Doug Flutie walks in] Holy crap! Doug Flutie.

Doug Flutie: Yes.

Frank Thomas: Mark You just turned William Defoe0.

Doug Flutie: Let me guess you can’t get hard anymore.

Frank Thomas: Bingo.

Mark: No. I never said that.

Doug Flutie: It’s okay. It happens to every man.

Mark: Right. I can still get hard.

Frank Thomas: Sure you can, Mark. You just need a little boost. We all do, to get hard.

Mark: No, seriously. Guys, I’m actually fine down there.

Doug Flutie: You don’t have to lie to us, Mark. It’s okay. See, as you get older–

Mark: Testosterone levels drop. Yeah, I know. He already said it.

[William Defoe walks in]

William Defoe: What are you guys talking about?

Mark: Oh my god, Sir William Defoe.

William Defoe: Sir Willem? I’m not even British.

Mark: Oh, why did I think you were British?

William Defoe: I don’t know, man.

Doug Flutie: This is Mark. He came up to us and told us he couldn’t get hard anymore.

Mark: Stop saying that.

William Defoe: Let me guess you just turn the big three-O.

Mark: Thirty?

William Defoe: It happens every man. Especially me.

Mark: I’m sorry. How do you guys all know each other?

Doug Flutie: From boner stuff. We met at a meeting.

William Defoe: Yeah, we all have the same problems as you.

Mark: Okay. I want to say again, for the record, I can still get very hard.

William Defoe: Damn right, you can. Now, with Nugenix.

Mark: Nugenix? What’s Nugenix?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now you’re interested. Huh?

William Defoe: He’s all yours now?

Mark: No, I was just asking because–

Doug Flutie: At first he was like, “No way. I can get hard all the time.”

Frank Thomas: Right? And now he’s like, “Um, what’s Nugenix?”

William Defoe: “Please tell me more, sir.”

Mark: Alright, well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Melissa: Honey. What’s taking so long?

Doug Flutie: We’re trying to help your husband get hard again.

Melissa: What? [looks at William Defoe] Oh my god, aren’t you–

William Defoe: Sir Willem Defoe. Pleasure is all mine, my lady.

Melissa: Ooh, charmer.  Even more handsome in person?

[sound of a machine engine]

Mark: What the hell is that?

William Defoe: That’s Nugenix.

Mark: What?

William Defoe: That sound. It’s me getting hard.

Melissa: I’m sorry, what?

Doug Flutie: See, when a man reaches a certain age, you can never get hard again.

William Defoe: Until now. With Nugenix.

[sound of a machine engine]

Frank Thomas: Oh, and there’s mine.

Melissa: Oh y god, it’s so loud.

[sound of a machine engine]

Doug Flutie: Right, now I’m getting hard too.

Mark: So, Nugenix is a machine?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now he’s interested.

[sound of electric shock]

William Defoe: Ah!

Melissa: Are you okay?

William Defoe: It’s fine. It’s just your perfume smells lovely, my lady.

Mark: Okay, let’s get out of here.

[Mark and Melissa leave]

[Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie and William Defoe are getting electric shock]

Male voice: Nugenix, testosterone boosting male enhancement. Try it for free. Oh, now you’re interested!

Mail in Testing Service

Shawn… Owen Wilson

Aristotle Athari

Mark… Andrew Dismukes

Dorothy… Sarah Sherman

Mailman… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shawn setting up his set]

Shawn: Come on! Let’s move those soft light over there an and then we’re gonna lock up set.

Aristotle: Shawn, the clients are here.

Shawn: Great. Bring them in. Okay, here we go.

[Mark and Dorothy walk in. They both are doctors.]

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to your commercial.

Dorothy: Wow, you guys got a professional setup over here.

Mark: Yes, very impressive.

Shawn: Thank you. And these are your marks right here. You’re just gonna stand there and all I need you to do is speak right to the camera.

Mark: Sounds great.

Dorothy: Love that. Can do.

Shawn: Let’s shoot this puppy. Quite on set.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool testing. Take one.

Shawn: And action!

Dorothy: Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Mark: Hello.

Dorothy: Stool testing can provide advanced diagnosis of harmful diseases and genetic pre-dispositions.

Mark: And with our mail-in kit, you’ll be able to test your stool without ever leaving your house.

Dorothy: Many people are hesitant to mailing their stools. Why? Because they’re worried that someone might take it out and mess around with it.

Mark: That’s why at Robinsons’, we guarantee that we won’t!

Dorothy: We want to do one thing and one thing only with your stool. And that’s testing for diseases.

Mark: We’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases, then that thing is going right in the trash. I promise!

Dorothy: You can trust Robinsons’ staffs will absolutely not mess around with it, play around with it, goof around with it, anything like that.

Mark: That’s why, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash.”

Shawn: Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good. I really love your good chemistry. I gotta stay honest with you guys. It seems like you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Mark: Okay. Explain that.

Dorothy: Yea, coz you say– We’re saying that we’re not.

Shawn: I get it. But I think what’s happening it’s a little too direct. And maybe even so direct that it becomes suspicious.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Dorothy: Yea, I get that.

Shawn: Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not to be so definite about it this time. Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

Mark: Definite, got it.

Dorothy: Got you boss. Got you boss.

Shawn: Alright. Let’s go again.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take two.

Shawn: Action!

Dorothy: Hi there. Lots of people don’t want to mail us their stool because they’re worried we might take em’ out and mess around with them a little bit.

Mark: But at Robinsons’, our process is simple. We take it out, test it for diseases, and after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Dorothy: Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Mark: Every rose has its thorn. In this case, the rose is we will test it for diseases. The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess around a little bit.

Dorothy: That’s why at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash… Maybe!”

Shawn: Okay. Cut. Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take it out and mess around with it?

Dorothy: You know, I was worried people might think that.

Mark: Yeah. Guess we got to hit that little bit harder, huh?

Shawn: No, no. Do not hit it any harder. That’s making me think that you do.

Dorothy: Okay. I think that’s just a you thing. Hey, buddy. [calling Aristotle] Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take these things out, mess around with them, goof around with them a little bit?

Aristotle: Yes, I do.

Shawn: I think just don’t mention it all and no one will think that you do. If they do, then that’s their problem.

Dorothy: Okay, yeah. You’re right. That’s their problem.

Mark: Great call.

Shawn: Thank you. For that respect. Okay. This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take three.

Shawn: [whispering] Action.

Dorothy: Dorothy here. I got a question for you. [yelling] Who the hell do you think you are? You think we can’t help ourselves around your precious little stool?

Mark: You think you’re special? We see thousands of these things every day. You think there’s something so tempting about your’s?

Dorothy: Just ask our mailman. [Mailman walks in] Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these things around, right?

Mailman: I don’t mind.

Dorothy: thank you.

Mailman: I don’t mind at all.

Mark: We’re professionals, people. We take our jobs seriously. And we value your trust.

Dorothy: that’s why we at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, and play around with it.”

Mark: Okay, that felt great. I think we got it.

Dorothy: Now, who wants to mess around with one of those things?

Mark: We got plenty.

Wedding Friends

Priest… Alex Moffat

Mother… Punkie Johnson

Dan Levy

Kate McKinnon

Carey… Ego Nwodim.

Mark… Mikey Day

[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]

Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?

Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.

Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.

[Dan and Kate stand]

Dan: Carey!

Kate: Carey!

Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.

Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.

Dan: And that’s it.

Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?

Mark: Yeah. What was that?

Dan: Oh my god.

Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.

Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.

Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.

Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?

Dan and Kate: No. No.

Dan: Nothing about him.

Kate: No.

Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.

Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.

Mark: Mark wise what?

Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.

[Dan and Kate looking at each other]

Dan: What are we saying?

Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.

Dan: Yeah. Are you good?

Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.

Dan: Okay.

Kate: Go.

Dan: Lock it down.

Kate: Yeah, you better get that.

Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.

Kate: And a random question.

Dan: So random.

Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?

Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.

Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.

Carey: Mom, come on.

Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?

Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?

Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.

Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.

Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.

Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think I’m settling?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.

Dan: Thank god!

Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.

Dan: Begging for it.

Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?

Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.

[texting sound]

Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.

Dan: Oh, so sorry.

Kate: Sorry, we’re good.

Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.

Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.

Kate: No. I just sent that to you.

Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.

Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.

Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?

Mark: I don’t care what you two think.

Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!

Dan: Mark is hot.

Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.

Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.

Kate: Yay!

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]

[cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way

then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.]

[Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Tournament Fighter

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Scorpinox… Mikey Day

Deathstripe… Kate McKinnon

Pyro… Luke Null

Boo Boo Jeffries… Tiffany Haddish

Mark… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Amy and Pete playing video game in Gamer Con. Kyle is hosting the show.]

Amy: Come on, come on, come on! Damn!

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Pete: Yes! Nice game.

Kyle: Alright. That was epic. Alright, attention, video gamers. Sonic Goon just knocked out Gamer Chick XX which means the quarterfinal match of the death fight 12 tournament will be Sonic Goon Vs. Pone Dunky. Pune Dunky, make your way to the tournament stage.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, let’s do this. Let’s do this. What’s up? What’s up? Alright, cool. What’s up? [Amy walks out and Kenan takes her place]

Kyle: Alright, one match. Best two out of three rounds. Sonic Goon, you are player one. Pick your Death Fighter.

[Cut to the video game character selection]

Video game voice: Player one, choose your fighter. Scorpinox. You selected Scorpinox.

Scorpinox: No mercy. Only pain.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, man! I was gonna be Scorpinox. That’s cool though. Let’s see who our Pone Dunky gonna beat you with.

Video game voice: Player two, choose your fighter.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Deathstripe.

Deathstripe: Let’s rip some throats up.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Na, I don’t like Deathstripe’s combos. Next please.

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Pyro.

Pyro: Who wants to feel the burn?

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Pyro’s too slow, man. I need somebody like Doom Snake. Where my boy Doon Snake at?

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries, y’all know me! Hah!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Boo Boo Jeffries? Yo, part 12 added some whack characters. I’m sorry, Boo Boo, but that’s a next.

[Kenan mistakenly presses ‘select’ button]

[Cut to video game character selection]

Video game voice: You selected Boo Boo Jeffries.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Knock, knock, who’s there? Boo Boo Jeffries. Boo Boo Jeffries, who? If you don’t know, you stupid.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, I pushed a wrong button. Can we start it over?

Kyle: Hey, sorry dude. No resets in tournament play.

Kenan: Even if we accidentally pick Boo Boo Jeffries? A character that I have never even seen before?

Pete: Hey, let’s go to our fighter overview.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Boo Boo Jeffries fighter overview.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Get to know your girl, Boo Boo Jeffries.

Video game voice: Primary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

Video game voice: Secondary attack.

Boo Boo Jeffries: Beyoncé! Beyoncé! Beyonce!

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Those are her special moves? This is a game where you rip people’s heads off.

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Video game voice: Fighter’s strehgths.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My relationship with my mom. She’s my best friend

Video game voice: Fighter weaknesses.

Boo Boo Jeffries: My biggest weakness is fighting.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Fighting? Thats the only thing you got to be good at in this. It’s called Death Fight!

[Cut to video game fighter overview]

Boo Boo Jeffries: My other weakness is, I get weird in groups. I’m great one on one but in groups, sad is my ass shuts down. I get quiet and all in my head, “Why do I do that?”

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t know, Boo Boo Jeffries. Hey man, I payed 75 bucks to play in this tournament, man. Just let me be Doom Snake.

Kyle: Ay, I’m sorry man. Rules are rules. Good luck, gentlemen.

[Cut to the game fight]

Video game voice: Scorpinox versus Boo Boo Jeffries. Round one. Fight!

Scorpinox: Death punch!

[Scorpinox punches Boo Boo Jeffries on her face. Boo Boo Jeffries heal bar is empty.]

Boo Boo Jeffries: No!

[Boo Boo Jeffries walks out]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Scorpinox: Your defeat tastes delicious.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: She left? Yo, I didn’t even get to push one button.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Amy: You should have done a Rihanna on him.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: No, I should have picked Doom Snake.

[Cut to Kyle and Amy]

Kyle: Hey, you’re never gonna win with an attitude like that. Let’s go round two.

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Round two. Fight!

Boo Boo Jeffries: [staying at one place] Rihanna! Rihanna! Rihanna!

[Boo Boo Jeffries’ move did no damage to Scorpinox]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah, that Rihanna move was a big help, thanks.

Kyle: Hey, try to do combo or something, bro. Come on, now.

Kenan: Alright, let’s see what this combo is all about.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Boo Boo Jeffries combo, prepare to be marked!

Video game voice: Combo!

Kenan: You getting marked for death. I knew my girl Boo Boo would come through.

Boo Boo Jeffries: This is my sister’s husband, Mark. You in trouble now.

[Mark walks in wearing a formal outfit.]

Mark: Okay, listen up, buster. The funny business ends now. Now, hit the road, Jack!

Boo Boo Jeffries: That’s a real man right there.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: I am literally pushing no buttons right now. This is just happening.

[Cut to video game]

Mark: Hey! Hey, bud? You got wax in your ears? I said, scram!

[Scorpinox punches Mark on his stomach. Mark falls.]

[Cut to Pete and Kenan]

Kenan: Wow! Really saved the day there, Mark.

[Cut to video game]

Boo Boo Jeffries: Okay, real talk. Nothing good comes from violence. When you fight, you lose. So, Boo Boo Jeffries is removing her self from the situation, which means Boo Boo Jeffries wins.

[Cut to Pete and Kenan looking all confused]

Kenan: Wins at what? Live or the game?

[Cut to video game]

Video game voice: Scorpinox wins.

Kenan: Oh, so not the game.

[Cut to Pete,Kenan, Kyle and Amy]

Great. Great. Cool.

Kyle: And Sonic Goon takes it. He’s going to the semi.

Kenan: Well, I guess there’s a reason why Boo Boo Jeffries isn’t on the cover of this game with all other fighers.

Amy: Yeah. She hates group settings.

Kenan: I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Amy: Amy.

Kenan: Shut up, Amy!

Mirage

Kenan Thompson

Mark… Beck Bennett

Natalia… Gal Gadot

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Manager… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Kenan and Mark walking in a desert]

Kenan: Oh, there’s nothing. Just sand.

Mark: We haven’t had water for days. Our best bet is to stop and hope they will find us.

[Kenan and Mark sit]

Kenan: Oh! Natgeo.com doesn’t have the budget to search the whole Arabian desert for two B-roll cameramen. [looks around] Oh, wait. You see that, Mark?

Mark: No. If you’re seeing something, it must be a mirage.

[Cut to the open desert. Kenan is seeing a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert.]

Kenan: But it looks so real.

Lemonade girl: Hey there, you big thirsty guy? Do you wanna have some ice-cold lemonade?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh my god! Natalia, my wife’s trainer? Why am I seeing her?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Mark: Your brain is just giving you what you want to see.

[Cut to Natalia]

Natalia: Hey there, bit thirsty. I can’t drink all this lemonade by myself, silly guy.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, then we got work to do, baby.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: [breathing heavy] Oh, I think I’m seeing something too.

[Cut to the open desert. Mark is seeing Jamba Juice stand.]

Mikey: I got a banana-mataz for Mark. Banana-mataz with a zinc boost for Mark.

Kyle: Sir! Your banana-mataz with zinc boost is at the counter. Once again, Mark!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: What the hell?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: What? What do you see, brother?

Mark: The Jamba Juice by my old work.

Kenan: Oh. Well, who’s making your smoothies? Some swimsuit model?

Mark: No. It’s the actual guys who worked at the Jamba Juice. Why is this what my brain is making me see right now? Are mirages supposed to be like a fantasy?

Kenan: Well, I wish you were seeing what I’m seeing.

[Cut to Natalia holding two lemons and teasing him]

Natalia: Hey, big thirsty. If you want to have your lemonade, you have got to dance with me.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, it’s a deal. [to Mark] How you doing, man?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I’m seeing a woman now.

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: Oh, alright. Who?

Mark: The manager and she hated me.

[Cut to Manager standing in front of the Jamba Juice stand and yelling at Mark]

Manager: Hey! You have a banana-mataz at the counter. Go get your damn banana-mataz juice.

[Cut to Mark looking frightened]

Mark: Oh, god! I don’t want to see the Jamba Juice staff right now.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, man. The sun is getting hotter. I’m burning up.

[Cut to Natalia holding a hand-fan and teasing Kenan]

Natalia: Oh, so hot. I had to lose my shirt. I’m probably a stinky little lady because I’m so sweaty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, this lemonade stand is getting pretty sexy.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: So is Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Mikey and Kyle playing at Jamba Juice stand shirtless.]

Kyle: Damn, sir. It’s hot as hell today.

Mikey: Yeah! By the way, I’ve still got a–

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: — A banana-mataz for Mark. I know! [to Kenan] I want to see what you’re seeing.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, Natalia? Well, I mean, I showed you that photo of her. Just picture it.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Okay. Come on, brain. Natalia. Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia behind Jamba Juice stand]

Natalia: Hey there, handsome sweaty guy. I’ve never made a smoothie before. Will you help me?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I would love to, Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia. She eats a strawberry.]

Natalia: Umm. Strawberry is my favorite.

[Mikey and Kyle walk in]

Mikey: You can’t be behind here.

Kyle: You cannot be behind the counter.

[Mikey and Kyle pushes Natalia away]

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: No! Natalia left!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Same over here. But I don’t mind her replacement.

[Cut to Manager behind the lemonade stand]

Manager: Let’s drink some lemonade, dude!

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Haunted Elevator (ft. David S. Pumpkins)

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mark… Kenan Thompson

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

[Starts with 100 Floors of Frights intro]

Announcer: Welcome to 100 Floors of Frights. Enter at your own risk.

[Cut to Kate and Beck getting inside the elevator. Mark is standing inside the elevator.]

Kate: Do you things jump right at you at this ride?

Beck: Yeah, babe. It’s a scary ride.

Mark: Good evening. I am your elevator operator Mark. Now please, hold on as this ride goes boom, in the night.

Kate: Oh! Don’t make fun of me if I scream, okay?

Beck: It’s a 100 Floors of Frights babe, I’ll probably be screaming too.

Mark: And now, hold on for dear death. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a woman wearing a wedding dress, holding flowers in one hand and a rope in the other.]

The women: Winafred Rogers got cold feet, and hung herself in a honeymoon suite

[the elevator door closes]

Kate: Oh, my god!

Beck: You totally dropped.

Kate: So did you.

Mark: Floor 20. Hall of our five scar restaurant.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a waiter with a big plate in his hands and the meal is covered.]

Waiter: Today’s special, your head. [When he opens the cover, it’s Kate’s head.]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: Ah! That was my head! Is that why they take your picture when you enter the park?

Mark: I’m not telling. 49th floor.

Beck: Here we go. Here we go.

[The elevator door opens. There is David Pumpkins with two other people. He is wearing a suit that hast pumpkins printed on it. The other two are wearing skeleton skin costume.]

David Pumpkins: How’s it hanging? I’m David Pumpkins. And I’m gonna scare the hell out of you.

[music playing]

[David Pumpkins and the two skeletons start dancing]

Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

[Kate and Beck say nothing. They are confused.]

Mark: Scared to speechless?

Beck: Oh, no. No. I’m just trying to wrap my head around, David Pumpkins? I mean, are we supposed to know who that is?

Kate: Yeah. It was just a guy in a pumpkin suit with two B-boy skeletons. I don’t get how that’s scary.

Mark: Well, you don’t get frights. You fear them. 26th floor.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a lady ghost wearing white pajamas and has black hair covering all her face.]

Lady: Can I sleep in your bed tonight? [screaming]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: Yeah. I get why she is here.

Beck: Yeah. Creepy girl from ‘The Ring’. But David Pumpkins? I mean, is he from something?

Kate: Yeah. Like, is he from a local commercial?

Mark: Well, the scariest thing to the mind is the unknown.

[The elevator door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and his dancers again.]

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins.

Beck: I know. But like, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man!

Kate: Okay. Yeah, yeah, and David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Is own thang!

Beck: And the skeletons are?

Skeletons: Part of it!

Kate: Why are you a part of this ride?

David Pumpkins: To do this.

[music playing]

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing]

What’s my name?

Skeletons: David S. Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

Beck: Yes! Several! I mean, he has a middle initial now? I am so in the weave for David Pumpkins.

Kate: Babe, don’t let David Pumpkins ruin your night.

Mark: David S. Pumpkins! Floor 99.

[The elevator door opens]

[There is a woman wearing straitjacket with a huge chainsaw. She turns on the chainsaw.]

Woman: [screaming] Ah! I’m crazy… for… David Pumpkins.

[music playing]

[Crazy woman starts dancing.  David Pumpkins and the two skeletons join her.]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: How much David Pumpkins is in this?

Mark: Um, 73 out of 100 floors.

Beck: Why did you go all in on David Pumpkins?

Mark: Ay, look! It’s 100 floors of frights. They’re not all going to be winners. Floor 100.

[The elevator door opens. There are two skeletons of David Pumpkins.]

Kate: Okay. So now it’s just the skeletons?

Skeletons: Ready or now? Here we dance.

[music playing]

[The skeletons start dancing]

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kate and Beck looking at the skeletons with attention. David Pumpkins is sitting just behind him.]

David Pumpkins: [by surprise] Any questions?

[Kate and Beck are scared to death.]

Pirate Ship

Bulmier… Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

Strike Pete… Taran Killam

Cathro Jake… Kenan Thompson

Mark… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with pirates in their ship]

Bulmier: Drink up, boys. And mind your manners, we have a guest.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily. Bulmier his holding Cecily hostage.]

The governor will pay a fine ransom for you.

Cecily: You’re disgusting.

Bulmier: Oh yes, thank you. Now, let’s give her a little of pirate’s welcome. Ha-ha.

[music playing]

[The pirates start dancing]

My name is captain Bulmier
I ride upon the waves
and if the Queen sends her ships
I’ll send them to the graves

[Cut to Strike]

Strike: I’m Strike Pete, the gunner
my aim is deadly true
I’ll send a ball right through your hole
and sink you in the blue

[Cut to Cathro]

Cathro: I’m Cathro Jake, the buccaneer
my soul is scarred and dead
and if you dare to cross me
me knife goes in your head 

[Cut to everybody. Mark swings by the rope.]

Mark: My name is Mark and I keep things fun.

Cecily: Who was that?

Strike: Use your pretty ears. That was Mark.

Cathro: And he keeps things fun.

[Cut to Mark, showing his stuffed parrot.]

Mark: I made a little outfit for the parrot. It’s the kind of stuff I do, keeping it light, keeping it fun. Expect this kind of stuff from me.

[The pirates are laughing]

Pirates: [singing] So, bury me bones with Devi Jones
and drink rum for me

[laughing]

Bulmier: How good is Mark.

[Cut to Cecily, blushing]

Cecily: He is not bad.

[Bulmier walks to Cecily]

Bulmier: Not bad? Not bad? He’s the best!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Uh, gentlemen, I’m sitting on the cannon.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily]

Bulmier: [laughing] Mark, what re you up to?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I don’t know, but I don’t feel so good. [putting his one hand over his stomach as if he has upset stomach]

[Mark lights up the cannon and as the cannon blows, he acts as it was his fart.]

Ah!

[Cut to everybody laughing]

Cecily: Okay, you’re right. Mark is the best.

Bulmier: See? That’s what Mark does. He makes–

[Cut to Strike and Cathro]

Cathro: Every ship needs a Mar. The sea will drive you mad without a buffoon to keep you guessing.

Strike: Mark’s got this character he does named Jeffy. [laughing] He’s got two hooks or hands and he– you know what? I’m not even doing it juts as you. You just have to see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Bulmier: Mark, do the dance. Do thedance.

Mark: I don’t know. Give me a beat.

[The pirates start clapping and tapping]

[Mark walks forward and starts does nae-nae and other pop dances.]

[As dancing, Mark falls down the ship.]

[Cut to the pirates looking down the ship]

Cathro: What?

Strike: Oh my god!

[As the pirates are looking for Mark down the ship, Mark walks in from behind and looks down with them.]

Mark: Good riddens to that guy now.

[Pirates are laughing]

[Cut to everybody]

Strike: You just went over boars.

Cathro: And you’re not even wet. I am! How did you do that?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: You want me to say? It’s so obvious you’re gonna be made that you didn’t figure it out.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cathro]

Bulmier: No, no. I don’t want to know.

Cathro: I mean I do, but I don’t.

Bulmier: Well, let’s sway anchor and let’s sail lands.

[Cut to Mark. He has hooks on his both hands.]

Mark: Hey guys, can someone help me in the bathroom?

[Cut to everybody]

Strike: Oh, Jeffy! Jeffy!

Cathro: He is doing the Jeffy.

[Pirates laughing]

[The End]

Brother 2 Brother: Wrestling Match

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Mark… Taran Killam

Coach… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Disney Channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney Channel. [A girl and a gold fish as her dad appears] Later, Trish flushes her dad down the toilet on the season finale of My Dad, The Fish. But first, it’s time for a brand new episode of ‘Brother 2 Brother’.

[Brother 2 brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
Akalama twin
to help you get through the day-ey
Okay!

[Cut to Matty and Marky in school. They are wearing identical clothes and have same blonde hair.]

Matty: Mark, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Marky: What’s going on, Matty? Everything, a-okay?

Matty: No, everything’s F-not okay. I have the big wrestling meet tonight and I’m nervous I’m gonna beef it.

Marky: But you’re the best wrestler in this state.

Matty: And the biggest worry word.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Matty: I have an idea. Let’s switch places. You wrestle for me and in exchange I’ll do your chores for a whole week.

Marky: Um, even the dishes?

Matty: Of course!

Marky: Even giving daddy his massage?

Matty: I promise.

Marky: Then it’s a deal.

Matty and Marky: A twin deal.

[Cut to the wrestling coach giving prep talk to the wrestlers]

Coach: Alright team, focus up. The big wrestling meet is today and everything’s on the line. So, remember what I taught you. Don’t let them pin you, you’ve gotta pin them. Hey, wait! Where’s our star wrestler Matty?

[Marky runs in on wrestling outfit]

Marky: Here I am coach. I’m here ready to wrestle and win, coz I’m Matty, your star wrestler Matty. That’s me. [winks]

Coach: You’re not Matty. You’re Marky. Matty is like, may bigger and has way more muscles. And I wanna say he’s not as pale. Plus he has that hard deep ravine thing between his packs. You know, when you’re packs are so huge, you get that ravine. You don’t really have that. You just sort of have like hairy flatness up here.

[Marky is feeling embarrassed]

Marky: Well, looks like the jig is up.

Coach: Plus your arms are sort of hanging to your sides like that. Matty’s arms are much bigger and they’re pushed out coz of all muscles he has like, right here. [showing the back] You don’t really have muscles here. You just have like, soft clumps of skin.

Marky: Oh-oh! Looks like the jig–

Coach: Also, when Matty sweats [Marky looks very embarrassed] he gets like, be the sweat. It just sort of rolls slowly down his stomach. But I think your stomach just sort of gets wet in circle.

Marky: Yeah, I know.

[Cut to Kyle in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Kyle: Coach! I have one.

Coach: Yea, great, go ahead Tommy.

Kyle: Ya, I noticed in the shower that Marky, you have like a thick coat of hair on your feet and Matty doesn’t have that.

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Coach: You’re right. Good call. Matty’s feet are great. They actually look more like hands in your hand zoo.

Marky: No, that’s specific, coach. I guess–

[Cut to Pete in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Pete: Also, Matty has a bigger and more muscular butt.

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Okay!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But like, your butt has a bigger, I wanna say, crack?

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Marky: Yeah, that’s enough. I guess, the jig is up. Matty, come on out.

[Matty walks in. He’s also wearing the wrestling outfit.]

Matty: Hi coach. It’s me, the real Matty.

Coach: No doubt.

Matty: I’m sorry we lied. Lying is bad.

Coach: Just promise me you’ll never try this again.

Marky: We sure won’t. Because we learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, I mean don’t try it again coz it won’t work. I mean, look at you. The two of you side by side right now, it’s insane. I mean, Marky, stand behind Matty I bet you’d completely disappear.

Marky: Oh, that’s okay coach. Coz we’ve both learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, just do it. I wanna see it. You stand behind him like that.

[Marky stands behind Matty. He can’t be seen.]

[Cut to the wrestlers]

Kyle: Wow! We can’t even see him Marky.

Jon: You are so much smaller.

[Cut to Matty. Marky is standing behind him.]

Matty: What are you talking about? We’re

[Marky peeks out]

Matty and Marky: Identical twins.

Coach: Okay, yeah. But just look down for a second. You have that deep V thing going on. And you see, Marky, he just sort of has an O. You know? You see, it sort of looks like an O right here, big circle. Marky, I know you can’t be but you look like you’re 10-12 weeks pregnant right now.

Marky: Matty tried to kiss me last night.

Coach: What?

Matty: What?

[Cut to close shot of Marky]

Marky: He didn’t. I tried to kiss him… in his sleep. [sobbing]

[The video stops and credit appears]

[The End]