Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey EpsteinAdam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere] [Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz] [Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands] [cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing] [Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump] [Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”