Tag: Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook Hearings Cold Open

Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day

Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Tom… Pete Davidson

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.

[Cut to the hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.

Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.

Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.

Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Frances Haugen: Is it good?

Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.

Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?

Frances Haugen: The algorithm?

John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?

Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.

John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]

Frances Haugen: Please stop.

John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.

Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.

Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.

Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.

Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?

Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.

Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?

Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.

Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Frances Haugen: Right.

Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.

Frances Haugen: That’s great.

Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.

Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?

Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.

Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?

John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?

[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]

Frances Haugen: What is that?

John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?

John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?

Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?

[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?

Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.

Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.

Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?

Frances Haugen: Oh my god!

Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?

Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?

Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”

John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”

Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).

Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?

Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.

Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.

Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).

Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.

[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.

Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.

[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]

Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

What Still Works Cold Open

Kate McKinnon

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Derrick Boner… Pete Davidson

Jack Dorsey… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Tom Brady… John Krasinski

[Starts with Kate McKinnon in her set.]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for “What Still Works?”

[cheers and applause]

Kate McKinnon: Hello. Hello and welcome to what still works where we look at every part of American society and wonder what still works? It’s a new year and we have a new president. So, something should work. But do they? Our first topic is ‘Government’ and already I have my doubts. Joining us is a congress woman from Georgia who’s been promoting QAnon conspiracy theories. Please welcome Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hi. Thanks for having me. [pulls out a gun and offers it to Kate McKinnon] Gun?

Kate McKinnon: No. Thank you. I’m good.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: Congress woman Greene, hard to say those words together. What are some of the theories you believe in and have been promoting?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: How much time you got?

Kate McKinnon: For you, very little.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Well, first off, I believe the Parkland shooting was a hoax. The teachers were actors and the children were dolls. I believe 9/11 was a hoax. Did anyone actually see it happen? I’ve also told my supporters that they should physically murder Nancy Pelosi. She’s just a lady I work with.

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I know. Thank you.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, and this is a new and it just came out. I think that the California wildfires were caused by Jewish space laser.

Kate McKinnon: So, there are lasers in space that cause wildfires and lasers identify as Jewish?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, correct.

Kate McKinnon: And those are real things you believe and tell other people about?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Um-hmm, yes.

Kate McKinnon: And you’re a US representative?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: You represent the US?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: People can google you and it will say – she’s a real member of the US government?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That might not be the first thing that comes up but yes.

Kate McKinnon: And when your colleagues found out about all these hateful and psychotic things you said, what did they do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I was promoted to the education committee.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, thanks for coming. So, government doesn’t work. [Marjorie Taylor Greene walks out] And honestly, I regret not taking that gun. Now, let’s take a look at the stock market. That usually works, right? That’s where people invest all their retirement money, so should probably work. Here to help us answer that question is the new majority shareholder of GameStop, Derrick Boner.

[Derrick Boner walks in]

Derrick Boner: Hey. Wad up? This is crazy, dude. By the way, my name is Derrick Evans, but I made you say boner.

Kate McKinnon: Terrific. Now, would you say the stock market still works?

Derrick Boner: First of all, it’s pronounced ‘The Stonk Market’. Hell yeah, it works. See, I told you. I put all my money in GameStop and I can’t lose.

Kate McKinnon: Uh-huh. So, normally a stock price reflects the company’s value, right?

Derrick Boner: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: And two weeks ago, GameStop was valued at $Kate McKinnonTom Brady a share and then it went to $Jack DorseyKate McKinnonDerrick Boner a share. Would you say that reflects the kind of business GameStop stores have been doing in the past two weeks?

Derrick Boner: Um, we sell games?

Kate McKinnon: Right. But are you good at it?

Derrick Boner: Not really. People download all their games now, so we’re kind of like– I don’t know, what do you call it?

Kate McKinnon: A dying business?

Derrick Boner: Yeah. That’s it.

Kate McKinnon: Right. So, your price should have gone—

Derrick Boner: Down?

Kate McKinnon: But instead it went–

Derrick Boner: Up the most?

Kate McKinnon: So, now it seems like–

Derrick Boner: The entire system is a joke?

Kate McKinnon: Exactly.

Derrick Boner: Interesting. Hey, you wanna buy my stonks?

Kate McKinnon: I’m good. Thank you. But out of curiosity, who else invested in GameStop?

Derrick Boner: Oh. Ja Rule.

Kate McKinnon: Best of luck to you. [Derrick Boner walks away] So, the stock market no longer works. Next, let’s look at social media. Some might say it never worked, but let’s ask two experts, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey and and Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk in. Jack Dorsey takes a seat and Mark Zuckerberg stays standing as there’s only one seat.]

We can get you a chair, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: I prefer to stand. It makes my legs work just as hard as my brain. Ha-ha-ha. Dab! [dabs] Hah! Leg-dab. [jumps and does the leg-dab]

Kate McKinnon: He’s one of our best and brightest. Guys, you’ve had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who are spreading lies and in-sighting violence. How did that go?

Jack Dorsey: Not well. It seems to have force those people on to darker, scarier apps where they’re delusion and blood lust can run wild.

Mark Zuckerberg: And fundamentally, Facebook still works. Not only does it help form communities online, it has helped people meet and connect in real life. For example, at the Capitol. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jack Dorsey: And while we’re gathering opinion with what works, would you say that my chin-beard is working?

Kate McKinnon: It’s working in terms of keeping me a lesbian. Thank you so much for joining us. [Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk out] Our next topic the vaccine rollout. Is that working? Joining us someone who has just received the vaccine, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson walks in]

OJ Simpson: How is it going, gang? Great to see you, everybody. [He is wearing a house arrest ankle monitor] I don’t get out much, so this is fun.

Kate McKinnon: So, OJ, you got the vaccine?

OJ Simpson: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: Teachers can’t get vaccines but you did?

OJ Simpson: That’s correct.

Kate McKinnon: People with long term lung conditions can’t get the vaccine but you did?

OJ Simpson: Absolutely.

Kate McKinnon: So, among the first 3% of all Americans given the vaccine, was OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Hey, guilty as charged. About the vaccine.

Kate McKinnon: Alright. The vaccine rollout, it doesn’t work. Thank you so much for coming.

OJ Simpson: Honestly, my schedule was wide open. [ankle monitor starts beeping] God, this thing makes me so angry. [angrily] I swear I could just– [Kate McKinnon is getting scared of OJ Simpson and he notices that] Hey, stay cool, juice.

[OJ Simpson walks out]

Kate McKinnon: Cool. And our last topic tonight, Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady working? Here with his thoughts is Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady walks in]

Tom Brady: Thanks for having me.

Kate McKinnon: Now, Tom, this is your tenth Super Bowl appearance?

Tom Brady: That’s right.

Kate McKinnon: You’re 43 years old but you’re 27.

Tom Brady: I haven’t been eating sugar for 15 years.

Kate McKinnon: You went to historically one of the worst franchises in football and in your first year, you took them all the way to the championship?

Tom Brady: That’s right. But, it’s really team effort, you know?

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Don’t even try it. No one believes there’s anyone else on the team. My point is, you still work.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You’re supposed to win football games and you just keep winning football gmes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You might be the only thing in America that still works.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: So, I guess everyone must be rooting for you, right?

Tom Brady: Almost no one.

Kate McKinnon: Well, you know what? I’ll be rooting for you, Tom Brady because you’re the only god damn thing this country can still rely on. And it’s not like you’re a weird Trump guy or anything, right?

Tom Brady: [does’t answer] Thanks for having me. [stands and walks away]

Kate McKinnon: And thank you for watching what still works. I’ve been Kate McKinnon as myself slowing losing my mind along with all of you. Stay strong. Or weak. Weak is a great option too. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Mark Zuckerberg on Cambridge Analytica

Colin Jost

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will testify before congress about Facebook’s alleged mishandling millions of users’ data. Here to comment, is Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello, Colin. Begin eye contact. [looks at Colin Jost] Two, three, and away. [looks at the camera] Nailed it.

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Wow. That was great, Mark. Thanks for being here. You know, a lot of people now are calling on you to resign from Facebook. Are you gonna step down?

Mark Zuckerberg: No way, homie.  Because according to our datasets, I don’t have to and you can’t make me. But I do recognize that Facebook has mishandled our user’s private data. And tonight, I’d like to apologize to 87 million of you. One by one. I’m sorry, Ethan Cooper of Van Nuys, California for disclosing that you frequently visit your ex girlfriend’s photo album titled Cancun 2010, specially one photo for average of 2.3 minutes.

Colin Jost: See, I think that’s the kind of info people don’t want out there. Like, why would anyone–

[Mark Zuckerberg pokes Colin Jost]

Mark Zuckerberg: Poke. Poke. Remember that feature? Poke. Poke. Ha-ha. It was flirting for cowards. Hey, remember? They made a movie about me. Yeah. It was called “Gladiator.” Hah! That’s a joke. Funny, huh Colin? Hah!

Colin Jost: Are you laughing or screaming?

Mark Zuckerberg: Absolutely, homie. Look, unlike my facial expression, Facebook is going to change.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So, users will be able to delete their data?

Mark Zuckerberg: Pfft, no.

Colin Jost: Not? Why not?

Mark Zuckerberg: Because it’s mine. You gave it to me. No backsies. And if you don’t like it, you can suck it. Hah! Hah! Hah! Hey, Colin, remember we were best friends at Harvard?

Colin Jost: No, we were not friends.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah. I remember. I was like, “I can’t steal Winklevoss’s idea.” And you were like, “Do it nerd. I dare you.”

Colin Jost: No, I did not say that.

Mark Zuckerberg: Anyway. I took your advice and now I’m rich. Dab! My point is, sure. Maybe Facebook sold out our democracy to Russian troll farms. My bad? But on the other hand, Farmville! To be honest, I feel great about Facebook’s future. I sleep easy at night upside down in my pressurized sleep egg. And sure, I still have all your photos, your memories, your unspoken thoughts and fears. But America, look me in my shark eyes when I say this, that on behalf of everyone at Facebook, I am sorry… opposite day. Hah! Hah! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Mark Zuckerberg, everyone.

Mark Zuckerberg: Dab! I’m dabbing.

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey Epstein… Adam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere]

[Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz]

[Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing]

[Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”