Tag: Mars

Chad on Mars

Elon Musk

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Miley Cyrus

Mitchen… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with people having intense moment at Space-X headquarters]

Elon Musk: I came as soon as I could. What’s the situation at Mars?

Melissa: A solar storm. Biggest we’ve ever seen. It caused significant damage to the colony.

Chris: And the life support systems are down. They’re running out of air, sir.

[Cut to people at the Mars colony.]

Miley: The oxygen is dropping fast.

Elon Musk: There’s a back up O2 circulator outside of the habitat. One of them just needs to turn it on.

Melissa: The radiation levels outside are too high. It would be a suicide mission.

Mitchen: Sir, one of the colonist has volunteered. He’s on box now.

Elon Musk: So, there are still heroes in this world. Hello, who am I speaking to?

Chad: Chad!

Elon Musk: Chad, this is Elon Musk.

Chad: Who?

Elon Musk: Elon Musk. I’m in charge of the whole Mars colonization project.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Elon Musk: Chad, I want to make sure that you understand you won’t survive this mission.

Chad: Okay.

Elon Musk: To save your fellow colonists, you have to make ultimate sacrifice.

Chad: Ha-ha, sack.

Mitchen: Chad, this is Mitchen with ground command. Make your way to the airlock and begin exit procedures.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad wears the suit and walks towards the exit door. Miley walks to him.]

Miley: Chad. Aren’t you gonna say goodbye?

Chad: Bye!

Miley: Chad, I’ll always cherish what we’ve had together.

Chad: Okay.

Miley: Oh god, I wish we could make love just one last time.

[Chad takes off his space suit]

Chad: Sick.

Miley: But we can’t.

Chad: It’s all good.

Miley: Chad, there’s something that you should know before you go. I’m pregnant.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Miley: The baby is your’s. You’re gonna be a father chad.

Chad: No, thank you.

[Chad presses the button and the door closes] [Chad walks outside]

Mitchen: Alright, Chad, I’m going to walk you through the procedure step by step. How do you feel?

Chad: Balls are sweaty.

Mitchen: I’m sorry to hear that. Before we turn the oxygen supply on, we need to vent the carbon dioxide. What’s the pressure reading on the tank?

[The pressure reading is 80085]

Chad: Boobs.

[disturbance]

Mitchen: Ah, you broke up a little there. But this is very important. You’ll need to pull the release lever slowly because of the pressure–

[Chad pulls out the release lever at once. It blasts and this Chad.]

Mitchen: Chad, are you alright?

Chad: All good.

[Chad walks to the circulator and presses the button]

Female voice in the colony: Oxygen levels restored.

Chris: O2 levels are climbing. He did it.

[everyone’s clapping]

Elon Musk: Make the feed public. Everyone needs to see this.

[The video of Chad is broadcasting everywhere.]

Elon Musk: Chad, the world can see you right now. Do you have anything you want to say?

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Elon Musk: Let the camera get a good look at your face, Chad. I want the world to see the man who gave everything to ensure that humanity’s future will be among the stars.

Chad: Okay

[Chad is trying to open is helmet]

Mitchen: No, no, no, don’t take your–

[Chad pulls off his helmet. His head bursts.]

Miley: Oh, damn!

Elon Musk: Well, I did say people are going to die. I was never here.

Weekend Update Vaccine Fraud and Mars Rover

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of a new article that says “Two women dressed up as grandmothers to get vaccine” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida officials say two women tried to get a second dose of the vaccine by dressing up as grandmothers. Which in Florida means they just dressed up as 35 year olds.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rover on Mars at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NASA’s rover ‘Perseverance’ successfully landed on Mars and started a Twitter account to send back updates. First it was – “I’m safe on Mars!” Then – “Collected first soil sample!” And then – “Oh no, why is there no white history month?” Wow, it really figured out Twitter fast.

[picture changes to Krispy Kreme’s new doughnut]

Krispy Kreme is marking the landing of the rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after Mars. It’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus. [picture changes to normal doughnut (that has a hole)] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Kim Kardashain and Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kin Kardashain has filed for divorce from Kanye West. And I really sympathize with Kanye because I know from experience how difficult it is to have to move that many sneakers out of a white lady’s apartment.

[Picture changes to a mammoth]

Researchers studying the remains of a Willy mammoth have uncovered the world’s oldest DNA sequence. In fact, it’s so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up it’s death.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man wearing a catholic priest’s outfit at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines on ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads. And I think not touching could just be a great new rule in general.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population. And I’m gonna guess it’s the Jewish half.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of #SIMP at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular new hashtag among teenagers is SIMP which describes boys who are overly nice to girls they like, as in only a simp would flee a disaster just because his wife wanted to go to Cancun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman has created a customized life jacket that allows a disabled goldfish to swim. The woman came up with the idea while not having plans on Vaneltine’s day.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of

Colin Jost: The retired admiral who oversaw the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden is releasing a children’s book. The book is the surprising collaboration called “The Berenstain Bears kill Osama Bin Laden.”