Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Soap Opera Reunion

Nancy… Aidy Bryant

Winnie Mayhood… Kate McKinnon

Rodney Soddet… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Tucson… Sasheer Zamata

Maggie Margaret Bond… Venessa Bayer

Debbie Frost… Cecily Strong

Martin… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Nancy Che in her set]

Announcer: We now return to Nancy with your host Nancy Chase.

Nancy: Okay, guys. Yes, we are back. And for all you fans of the long running soap opera Fairwood Manor, this segment is for you. Because for the first time in almost 10 years, we have reunited the original cast. Exciting right. So, let’s bring them out. [cheers and applause] Please welcome Winnie Mayhood.

[Winnie Mayhood walks in]

Rodney Soddet

[Rodney Soddet walks in]

Elizabeth Tucson

[Elizabeth Tucson walks in]

And last but never the least, Maggie Margaret Bond.

[Maggie Margaret Bond walks in. Background sound changes to a funny sound when she walks in.]

Alright, it is so great to have you all here.

Rodney Soddet: Very lovely to be here.

Winnie Mayhood: Wonderful.

Elizabeth Tucson: Thank you so much.

Maggie Margaret Bond: You know, it is super. But guys, did anyone notice that my play on music sounded a little different?

Elizabeth Tucson: What do you mean?

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh, I just mean that everyone had beautiful sweeping music and mine just seemed a little more like a choice.

Rodney Soddet: Oh, here she goes again.

Winnie Mayhood: I didn’t notice.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Well, whatever. Maybe it was just me. It’s so wonderful to see everyone again.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Okay now, you guys, I have another surprise. Over the coarse of the show, her character Nicki successfully killed herself more than 15 times.

[Cut to the guests]

Elizabeth Tucson: What? Debbie’s here? Oh, my god!

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Please welcome, Debbie Frost.

[Debbie Frost walks in]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh my goodness, it’s Debbie. Debbie, I haven’t seen you in ages.

[Maggie Margaret Bond stands up and goes to hug Debbie Frost. The same funny sound starts playing.]

Okay, now, I know that that’s not in my head. My walking music is different than everyone else’s.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I guess. You know, I’m not hearing but let’s bring out sound director Martin. I bet he can help us here. Can we get Martin out here?

[Martin walks in]

Martin: Ay, everybody. It’s a great show so far.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Hi, Martin. Um, I’m just curious. Do you think that you could play the same pretty music for all of us? Because I’m starting to feel singled out. You know, in a bad way.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t speak English.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond getting confused.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: What?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Actually, I speak it. I just don’t understand it. Again, I’m sorry.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, um, that doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to Nancy and Martin]

Nancy: Well, it is true. Actually, Martin learned just enough English to be able to do his job.

Martin: Thank you for clearing that up for me. Yeah, it’s crazy though. Yes.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, alright, fine. Okay, here is my issue. Just watch what happens when they walk and then when I walk.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Maggie, drop it. Your music is fine.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Can you just walk around please?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, beautiful music.

[Cut to everybody. Rodney Soddet starts walking. The background music is beautiful.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Now, watch what happens when I walk.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, music I picked for her.

[Cut to everybody. Maggie Margaret Bond starts walking. Funny music starts playing.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: This is what I’m talking about. Do you see? [Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond] I’m starting to take this personally, okay? Like, the dumpy music means that I’m dumpy or something.

Martin: Hey! [Cut to Nancy and Martin] Hey! Listen, I don’t understand English. Can you please respect that? [Martin turns to Nancy] Why can’t she respect that?

Nancy: I wish I knew.

Martin: No! You and me both. I mean… Listen, excuse me guys. I have to get back to work, okay? [Martin speaking to the mic] Cue, Martin’s exit music.

[Party music is playing. Martin starts dancing in the middle of the stage and then leaves.]

Nancy: Alright, thanks Martin. Amazing job as always.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, I’m sorry Nancy, but I’ve basically had enough.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Oh, Maggie! So did we.

Elizabeth Tucson: Don’t be like that.

Maggie Margaret Bond: No! I don’t feel supported here. And I’m leaving.

[Cut to the stage. Maggie Margaret Bond stands and walks few steps and the funny music is playing. As she stopped walking, the music also stopped. With every step she takes, a funny sound plays.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Argh!

[Maggie Margaret Bond storms out of the stage with the funny sound.] [Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I seriously don’t know what she’s talking about. That music sounds fine to me. We will be right back!