Steve Martin and Martin Short Monologue

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin and Martin Short.

[Steve Martin and Martin Short walk in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. I’m—

Steve Martin: And I’m Steve Martin.

Martin Short: And we’re so excited—

Steve Martin: And what a thrill it is for us to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

Martin Short: Steve, how many times have you hosted?

Steve Martin: Oh gosh, I haven’t really thought about it. Hit it.

[A counting video of Steve Martin plays which counts him hosting for 16 times]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Wow.

Steve Martin: And how many times have you hosted Marty?

Martin Short: Hit it.

[Similar counting video plays, but it only counts to three]

Steve Martin: I’m kind of in a nostalgia mode. I want to show you one of my favorite photos from my early hosting years. [Cut to a black and white photo] That is me with John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Mick Jagger. And right after this photo was taken, we tested positive for everything.

Martin Short: You know, Steve, we are like Harry and Megan. No one’s rooting for us, but you’ll tune in to watch anyway. And what’s been so fabulous this week is getting to know the new cast. And Steve, honestly, I tell you, they love you.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Behind your back, the new cast referred to you as ‘a whole entertainer’.

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s sweet.

Martin Short: Well, I added the word ‘entertainer’.

Steve Martin: And I have to say that for me, working with Marty Short is like World Cup soccer. Somehow I just can’t get into it.

Martin Short: We are currently working on the third season of our Hulu series, ‘Only Murders In The Building’. Our show is like Steve at the urinal, it streams for 3Martin Short minutes.

Steve Martin: I know, this is kind of interesting. Every night before the show, Marty and I have a ritual we do to prepare for the evening’s performance. And we were doing it backstage. And I noticed that one of the backstage crew was videotaping us. And I thought, “You know what, that would be interesting to show the audience.” So here is Marty and I are getting ready for tonight’s show.

[Cut to a video of one guy kicking on another guy’s testicles as a martial art]

Martin Short: And can I say, Steve—

Steve Martin: Let them laugh.

Martin Short: Can I say truthfully that I adore working with you. And I just, I hope we can do this forever.

Steve Martin: Well, of course, I thought about that. But I realized you’re not going to live forever. And that is sad because you won’t be able to hear the wonderful things I’m going to say at your memorial. So I thought why wait? So what I did was I wrote up your eulogy, so you can hear it now.

Martin Short: Wow. That is such a coincidence because you know what? I did the same thing. I wrote your eulogy.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Yes.

Steve Martin: Well, let’s read them together, shall we?

Martin Short: Why not?

Steve Martin: Could we have some— This is a sad moment. So could you play something sad for us please?

[sad music playing]

Martin Short: No, no, no. Not sad enough. Anything sadder?

[sad music playing]

Steve Martin: No, no no. Do you have something really, really sad?

[music playing and an innocent puppy’s picture appears on the screen]

So Marty, I dedicate this eulogy to you. Wow, not much of a turnout. Marty did not want to be cremated. Too late. But I’ll always be haunted by Marty’s last words, “Tesla Autopilot engage.”

Martin Short: There’s so many great things that I could say about Steve Martin. But this hardly seems the time nor the place. Oh, Steve, you blend overrated white haired son of a bitch. Where’d you go? I know Steve is looking down on us right now because he always looked down on everybody. And yes, I learned so much from Steve. For example, he taught me that you don’t need to restrict a urinal to just number one.

Steve Martin: Even at the end, Marty had a wonderful girlfriend. Smart, beautiful and so realistic. But Marty was always sexually active as long as there were batteries in the house. But Marty was taken away from us too soon, but sadly, not before he played Jack Frost in Santa Claus three.

Martin Short: Oh, Steve. Oh Steve, it’s so hard to look at you in that open casket. Motionless, colorless, stiff, so lifelike. And yet seeing you in your casket reminds me of that classic SNL sketch – ‘Dick in a box’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. The good news is with Steve gone, download should be so much faster on PornHub. People always ask me what Steve was really like, and I’d say, “I don’t know, you’re his wife.” And he was such a great dad. And you could tell that from his children, they’re so polite. You go to his house and they’d say “Would you like anything Mr. Short? Could I get you would drink Mr. Short? Can you give this note to the police Mr. Short?”

Steve Martin: Now that Marty is gone, who will I ever work with?

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena Gomez: What about me?

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Brandi Carlisle is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Science Room with Steve Martin and Martin Short

Mr. Science…Martin Short

Dr. Science… Steve Martin

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: PBS Kids. At 3:30, Curious George, we on that same old [bleep]. But first, it’s the Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room intro]
[Cut to Dr. Science Mr. Science and Mr. Science Short in the show set]
[cheers and applause]

Mr. Science: [singing] Oh chemistry, oh chemistry
how lovely are thy eye on

Dr. Science: I love that song sodium much. Hey kids, Dr. Science.

Mr. Science: And I’m Mr. Science.

Dr. Science: And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow.

Mr. Science: Helping us out today are today’s Junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lonnie: Hello.

Mr. Science: Happy holidays guys. Lonnie, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Lonnie: Oh, Christmas.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I love Christmas myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?

Josh: Oh, to find out what happened to my brother.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you’d say you want to skateboard or something, but I’m sure your brother will be fine. But hey, let’s talk about snow.

Dr. Science: Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called… Lonnie.

Lonnie: Stars.

Mr. Science: No. Josh. Starts with a C.

Josh: Si Senor.

Mr. Science: No, the letter C. It’s a C word.

Lonnie: Oh, no. The C word is bad. We can’t say that.

Mr. Science: No, it’s not the C word. Josh. It’s big. It’s white. It’s puffy. It’s…

Josh: My dad.

Mr. Science: Clouds. Snow forms inside clouds.

Dr. Science: Hey, let’s think before we answer, okay?

Mr. Science: Yes, why not?

Dr. Science: Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside the cloud does what? Lonnie.

Lonnie: Snows.

Dr. Science: No. It’s how water turns into ice. It starts with an F. Josh.

Josh: Photosynthesis.

Dr. Science: That’s double wrong, Josh. Come on guys starts with an F. Free…

Lonnie: Britney?

Dr. Science: Guys. Freeze. Freeze. [Lonnie and Josh stop moving] No, not you. The word was freeze.

Mr. Science: Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms.

Lonnie: True.

Mr. Science: I wasn’t asking, but yes that is true.

Josh: Yeah! [Josh and Lonnie do high five]

Mr. Science: No, you don’t high five each other based on… No don’t. No fist bump either. Just stop it. Stop right now.

Dr. Science: Okay, now, for our experiment today, we’re going to make our own snow storm. Now our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one. But even if something small, it can still…

Lonnie: Feel good for the girl.

Dr. Science: I don’t follow this.

Lonnie: Because my sister told me that even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he’s doing.

Dr. Science: Well, that’s a no. Teach a big lesson, you were very, very wrong.

Mr. Science: Your sister however is very, very right. Now, to do this at home, we’ll need some water and a glass. Baby oil. [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the experiment instruments] No, don’t touch that. Please. Stop it. Stop touching, please. Stop it.

Dr. Science: Make sure to have a grown up help you first. Safety first.

Mr. Science: I have a fun safety joke, Josh. KNOCK, KNOCK.

Josh: Come in.

Mr. Science: No, no. Josh, you say “knock knock who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Who’s there?

Mr. Science: Safety.

Josh: Hi, I’m Josh.

Mr. Science: No, no. Do you know know how this works? You’ve never heard? You say “safety who”. Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Safety who?

[Mr. Science gets so frustrated that he starts strangling the skeleton dummy in the science lab.]

Dr. Science: Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Come back. Come back.

Mr. Science: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Dr. Science: Now, we put everything into our glass here except the Alka Seltzer, which we’re going to drop into simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now, get in close guys. Three, two, one. Science. Wow, look. Josh, what’s going on?

Josh: Not much. We have two weeks off for winter break.

Dr. Science: No. Not what’s going on in your life? In here. What’s going on in here? Do you see what I see? What do you see?

Lonnie: Your finger.

Dr. Science: No. Do you see what I see? Something’s going on. Do you see what I see?

Lonnie: [singing] You see what I see
a star, a start,
dancing in the…

Dr. Science: Shut up, you idiots. Look what we made. It’s a it’s a…

Lonnie and Josh: It’s a me Mario.

Mr. Science: No. It’s not a me Mario. Go to commercial.

Dr. Science: I’m gonna turn the camera off.

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Soap Opera Reunion

Nancy… Aidy Bryant

Winnie Mayhood… Kate McKinnon

Rodney Soddet… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Tucson… Sasheer Zamata

Maggie Margaret Bond… Venessa Bayer

Debbie Frost… Cecily Strong

Martin… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Nancy Che in her set]

Announcer: We now return to Nancy with your host Nancy Chase.

Nancy: Okay, guys. Yes, we are back. And for all you fans of the long running soap opera Fairwood Manor, this segment is for you. Because for the first time in almost 10 years, we have reunited the original cast. Exciting right. So, let’s bring them out. [cheers and applause] Please welcome Winnie Mayhood.

[Winnie Mayhood walks in]

Rodney Soddet

[Rodney Soddet walks in]

Elizabeth Tucson

[Elizabeth Tucson walks in]

And last but never the least, Maggie Margaret Bond.

[Maggie Margaret Bond walks in. Background sound changes to a funny sound when she walks in.]

Alright, it is so great to have you all here.

Rodney Soddet: Very lovely to be here.

Winnie Mayhood: Wonderful.

Elizabeth Tucson: Thank you so much.

Maggie Margaret Bond: You know, it is super. But guys, did anyone notice that my play on music sounded a little different?

Elizabeth Tucson: What do you mean?

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh, I just mean that everyone had beautiful sweeping music and mine just seemed a little more like a choice.

Rodney Soddet: Oh, here she goes again.

Winnie Mayhood: I didn’t notice.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Well, whatever. Maybe it was just me. It’s so wonderful to see everyone again.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Okay now, you guys, I have another surprise. Over the coarse of the show, her character Nicki successfully killed herself more than 15 times.

[Cut to the guests]

Elizabeth Tucson: What? Debbie’s here? Oh, my god!

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Please welcome, Debbie Frost.

[Debbie Frost walks in]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh my goodness, it’s Debbie. Debbie, I haven’t seen you in ages.

[Maggie Margaret Bond stands up and goes to hug Debbie Frost. The same funny sound starts playing.]

Okay, now, I know that that’s not in my head. My walking music is different than everyone else’s.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I guess. You know, I’m not hearing but let’s bring out sound director Martin. I bet he can help us here. Can we get Martin out here?

[Martin walks in]

Martin: Ay, everybody. It’s a great show so far.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Hi, Martin. Um, I’m just curious. Do you think that you could play the same pretty music for all of us? Because I’m starting to feel singled out. You know, in a bad way.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t speak English.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond getting confused.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: What?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Actually, I speak it. I just don’t understand it. Again, I’m sorry.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, um, that doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to Nancy and Martin]

Nancy: Well, it is true. Actually, Martin learned just enough English to be able to do his job.

Martin: Thank you for clearing that up for me. Yeah, it’s crazy though. Yes.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, alright, fine. Okay, here is my issue. Just watch what happens when they walk and then when I walk.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Maggie, drop it. Your music is fine.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Can you just walk around please?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, beautiful music.

[Cut to everybody. Rodney Soddet starts walking. The background music is beautiful.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Now, watch what happens when I walk.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, music I picked for her.

[Cut to everybody. Maggie Margaret Bond starts walking. Funny music starts playing.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: This is what I’m talking about. Do you see? [Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond] I’m starting to take this personally, okay? Like, the dumpy music means that I’m dumpy or something.

Martin: Hey! [Cut to Nancy and Martin] Hey! Listen, I don’t understand English. Can you please respect that? [Martin turns to Nancy] Why can’t she respect that?

Nancy: I wish I knew.

Martin: No! You and me both. I mean… Listen, excuse me guys. I have to get back to work, okay? [Martin speaking to the mic] Cue, Martin’s exit music.

[Party music is playing. Martin starts dancing in the middle of the stage and then leaves.]

Nancy: Alright, thanks Martin. Amazing job as always.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, I’m sorry Nancy, but I’ve basically had enough.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Oh, Maggie! So did we.

Elizabeth Tucson: Don’t be like that.

Maggie Margaret Bond: No! I don’t feel supported here. And I’m leaving.

[Cut to the stage. Maggie Margaret Bond stands and walks few steps and the funny music is playing. As she stopped walking, the music also stopped. With every step she takes, a funny sound plays.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Argh!

[Maggie Margaret Bond storms out of the stage with the funny sound.] [Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I seriously don’t know what she’s talking about. That music sounds fine to me. We will be right back!