Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Waterbed Warehouse

Dom McWeber… Martin Freeman

Jeanine… Aidy Bryant

Delivery guys… Jay Pharoah, Taran Killam

[Starts with Dom McWeber talking in front of two beautiful queen size beds.]

Dom McWeber: Hi there, folks. I am Dam McWeber. Proud owner of Waterbed Warehouse. We are Upper South Dakota’s premiere Waterbed distributor. You might have heard our jingle on the radio.

[Cut to Jeanine singing in a fancy gown]

Jeanine: [singing] Waterbed warehouse
A Waterbeds are the best!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: That lady with the face and the eyes, that was my wife Jeanine. She looks pretty spiffy, don’t she? That dress cost me a pretty penny but it was all worth it. She writes all our catchy jingles.

[Cut to Jeanine lying on a bed. The bed sheet has her photo.]

Jeanine: That’s me, Jeanine!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: She was a stay at home mom for the past 20 years, but recently she got called up on stages of volunteer to local magic show. That little taste of the spotlight made Jeanine realize she was born to be a star. So, daily and nightly, she insisted she become the face of Waterbed Warehouse. And I said, “Um, okay.” Hey folks, looking for the number to call and get a great Waterbed? Here it is.

[Cut to Jeanine. The phone number is appearing and disappearing on the screen.]

Jeanine: [singing] Call 1-605-555-0100
and hold that 100 down for a while
yeah, hold that number down hard
Waterbed warehouse
a Waterbed’s are the best

[She jumps on the bed that has her picture on it’s bed sheet. The rose petals fall on her.] [Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Wow. Now that is talent. So, come on down to our showroom. Off Interstate 90 by the airport, we’re releasing the spots coz we remodeled our store front.

[Cut to a picture of Waterbed Warehoue. It has big board of Jeanine’s face on it.] [Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Jeanine said all successful companies have a mascot. Like flow from Progressive and the Geico Gecko. She also kept mentioning the doritos clown which I don’t think is really a thing. Either way, there’s no sleep like a Waterbed sleep. But I’ll let my wife Jeanine explain that.

[Cut to Jeanine laying on the bed.]

Jeanine: [singing] Splashing in the night
the water around me brings me rest
the ocean is my prayer
because a Waterbed’s are the huh-huh-huh
I said a Waterbed’s are the– not quite yet!
I said a Waterbed’s are the– no, no, no
I said a Waterbeds are the best!

[Two men without shirt come in with the sparklers. They have Jeanine’s photos on their shoulders.] [cheers and applause

Oh yeah!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Those are our delivery guys. And they’re great. You know what’s also great? Now through Christmas, we’ll deliver and fill you bed for free!

[Cut to Jeanine. She is wearing a rasta hat and she had dread locks now.]

Jeanine: [talking like Jamaican] For free! That deal be crazy, man!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Don’t worry. That’s still Jeanine! She was just doing one of her characters. I just hope I don’t lose her to Hollywood. Everyone wants a piece of Jeanine. She’s a one woman party.

[Cut to Jeanine. Hiphop beat playing.]

Jeanine: [rapping] Put your hands up
if you wanna Waterbed
put your hands up
Everybody loves a Waterbed
fill your bed up with water if you wanna Waterbed

[A big board of Jeanine’s face slides down. The mouth part opens and Jeanine puts her head on that hole.]

A Waterbeds are the best!

[Dom McWeber walks in]

Dom McWeber: So, get down to Waterbed Warehouse. Why? Because…

Dom McWeber and Jeanine: A Waterbeds are the best!

Right Side of the Bed with Martin Freeman

Corey Chisum… Taran Killam

Grace Chisum… Cecily Strong

Louis Dukes… Martin Freeman

Kyle Mooney

Emily Margine… Aidy Bryant

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV Atlanta intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WSB/TV Atlanta. Up next, it’s Right side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right side of the Bed video bumper] [Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum on a sofa]

Corey Chisum: Good mid-morning, y’all.

Grace Chisum: Y’all, you’re watching Right side of the Bed. I’m Grace Chisum. And I’m here with my husband, the diva, himself.

Corey Chisum: Ah! Oh, please! I m Corey Chisum and she’s already trying to get on my nerves.

Grace Chisum: You just can handle it.

Corey Chisum: I handled you for about two hours straight last night, didn’t hear you complain.

Grace Chisum: Corey, get your mouth out of the gutter.

Corey Chisum: Well, excuse me, that’s where it lives.

Grace Chisum: Okay, whatever guys, we got some great guests today. Coming up later is local contractor Louis Dukes.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

He’s gonna show us some right tips winterizing our homes.

Corey Chisum: There he is. Hi, Louis. He’s little cutie. He promises that he is gonna cut our heating bill in half.

Grace Chisum: Well, if anyone could do it, Louis Dukes can do it. He’s the best.

Corey Chisum: I hear you.

Louis Dukes: Um, am I still on camera?

Corey Chisum: Wave and smile

Louis Dukes: Wave and smile? Okay.

Corey Chisum: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, now that’s enough wave. Okay, Louis, we’re gonna check in with you later.

Grace Chisum: Bye, Louis. Boy, I can’t wait to hear those tips. Our bills so ding-dong high.

Corey Chisum: Well, our bill’s high coz you always got the fridge door open.

Grace Chisum: Now, Corey, don’t go there. I can talk about my weight, you cannot.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m the one who dresses you in the morning.

Grace Chisum: Oh, please.

Corey Chisum: I’m the one who has to zip up your slacks in the back.

Grace Chisum: Oh, my god.

Corey Chisum: Thank you.

Grace Chisum: Corey! Just looking at you makes me tired.

Corey Chisum: Ah!

Grace Chisum: Okay, guys, if you’re just joining us, later on we’ve got local contractor Louis Dukes with his winter tips.

[Cut to Louis Dukes chewing his nails]

Corey Chisum: Alright Louis. We caught him. We caught him off guard. That’s okay, Louis. I guess he’s just about the handiest man around.

Louis Dukes: Is it time now?

[Kyle comes in]

Kyle: No, we’re just on our way. You look great.] [Kyle walks away] [Louis Dukes is waving his one hand and holding a saw with his other hand.]

Corey Chisum: Oh, my goodness. Looks like he’s got a lot to show us, something with the saw. Oh, man, we can’t wait to talk to you a little bit later, Louis.

Grace Chisum: Okay, see you soon Louis.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Oh, man! Is it just me or he’s as cute as the cutest thing there could be?

Corey Chisum: Oh! Watch it, lady. You are all mine.

Grace Chisum: You know, I’m joking. I’m just pulling both of your legs.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m gonna pull your hair while you pull something else on me.

Grace Chisum: Corey! You are a true hand on.

Corey Chisum: What? I’m just a red blooded American male like everybody else on the planet.

Grace Chisum: Okay. You’re acting like a tool. And tools are Louis’s thing.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

There he is.

Louis Dukes: Are you kidding?

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on, dance!

[Kyle walks away] [Louis Dukes starts dancing]

Corey Chisum: Wow, Louis, Louis, he gotta go! Oh, my goodness. That I’m so excited. Look, he’s dancing.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Grace Chisum: Wow, does he know how to tease a segment or what?

Corey Chisum: I wish you knew something about teasing.

Grace Chisum: Oh! Please! I am the one who likes foreplay.

Corey Chisum: Get real, miss thing. You just hop on it like a hog full of corncob.

Grace Chisum: You are out of control today. Okay guys, before we get to Louis, we got something kind of sad. We’re gonna be talking to our producer Emily Margine whose half brother was just this morning at 7 am executed by the side of Georgia.

[Cut to Emily Margine waving her hand]

Oh, she must be sad.

Corey Chisum: Yeah, she sure looks sad, don’t she?

[cut to sad Emily Margine and Louis Dukes dancing]

Oh, but look at Louis. He’s still dancing.

Louis Dukes: Am I supposed to be here right now?

Emily Margine: Why are you dancing?

Louis Dukes: He told me to.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Corey Chisum: What? That’s a phrase he told her.

Grace Chisum: Okay, someone’s trying to be a drama queen up in here.

Corey Chisum: Excuse me, Louis, that is my job.

Grace Chisum: That’s his.

Corey Chisum: It’s on my license plate. D-R-M-A-N-Q-N, Drama-qn.

Grace Chisum: Guys, you got a cigarette, coz we’ve got so many great guests. We got Louis Dukes, Sad producer Margine, and best of all, country sensation Keith Urban is here to show us how to winterize our home.

[Cut to Louis Dukes, Emily Margine and Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Your house is gonna be as warm as wallway’s patch.

Louis Dukes: Keith Urban is winterizing too? Why?

Kyle: Just dance.

[Louis Dukes start dancing]

Corey Chisum: We’ll be back. See you later.

Grace Chisum: I will see you guys.

Corey Chisum: Thanks Louis.

Holiday Gig

Treece Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Rad Dates… Kyle Mooney

Isaac Luneberi… Martin Freeman

Roman… Taran Killam

[Starts with a band performing in a restaurant]

Treece Hinderson: So great to have been performing at the Pine River Lodge annual tree lighting tonight. Once again, I am Treece Hinderson. I need to apologize to all of the ladies, my red jumpsuit is in the cleaners. It had worn very thin in the couple of spots. You know how that goes.

[Cut to everybody]

How is everybody’s Christmas? Looking good? Well, great! Here we go.

[drum rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Oh! Ladies and gentlemen. I could not do any of this without these guys. The amazing house band here at the Pine River Lodge. You know them. Making all those wonderful sounds on his magic box, Mr. Rad Dates.

[Cut to Rad Dates]

Rad Dates: Treece, love you man!

[Cut to the band]

Treece Hinderson: Ha-ha, love you too bud. And Mr. Isaac Luneberi on Sax.

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi playing saxophone] [Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Ah! Isaac is such a good friend for letting me stay with him for this annual event. Thank you so much, Isaac.

Isaac Luneberi: You are welcome.

Treece Hinderson: Let me tell you something. This guy has been through a really rough patch.

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Oh, I didn’t want to talk about that tonight.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: I think you need to.

Isaac Luneberi: No, these people don’t wanna hear about my troubles.

Treece Hinderson: But it might feel good to talk about it.

Isaac Luneberi: Can we just play the song?

Treece Hinderson: Are you sure?

[Cut to Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Yeah, I’ve been instructed not to talk about it, okay?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Are you in trouble?

Isaac Luneberi: Yes.

Treece Hinderson: Because of what you did to Roman?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m not supposed to talk about it, okay?

Treece Hinderson: So, nothing was resolved.

Isaac Luneberi: No.

Treece Hinderson: Fine.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Whoo! It is really happening. Look at this lovely couple down front here.

[Cut to the couple]

How are you guys feeling?

Man: Curious.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: What? What about?

[Cut to the couple]

Woman: Well, about what’s going on with your Sax player.

Man: And like, who is Roman and what did he do to him and all of it.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: You see, Isaac? Is there anything you could do to clear it up a bit?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m just here for the gig, my man.

Treece Hinderson: Fine! Look, we’re just trying to help you. I mean what happened with Roman?

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

[phone ringing] [Cut to the couple]

Is that a phone that I hear ringing? We explicitly told you that your ringers should be off.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi. Isaac Luneberi takes his phone out.]

Isaac Luneberi: No, it’s my phone. Oh, I have to get that. My ADT security system’s calling me.

Treece Hinderson: Oh, is there a problem at your condo?

[Cut to the couple]

Woman: Oh, did Roman break in?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! That’s interesting. I didn’t think of that. [asking Isaac Luneberi] Is that why they’re calling?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi. Isaac Luneberi is still on the phone.]

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Just a second. I’m talking to the police. [talking on the phone] My code is 5866.

Treece Hinderson: Where’s the damage?

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] I’m listening.

Treece Hinderson: Is it in the living area?

Isaac Luneberi: Be quiet. [talking on the phone] The guest bedroom?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! No! But that’s where I am staying.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] Bran Sact? Are you kidding me?

Treece Hinderson: Bran Sact? Does that means that they took my red boots?

Isaac Luneberi: I’m– I’m– I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.

Treece Hinderson: Ask them if they see some red boots.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Can you just wait a second?

Treece Hinderson: Oh, that sucks. Those are my red boots. Ask them about the boots.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking to Treece Hinderson] Will you shut up?

Treece Hinderson: There were two boots. A left boot and a right boot. And both boots are red.

Isaac Luneberi: [talking on the phone] Okay. Are there any boots lying around? Yeah. [talking to Treece Hinderson] They don’t see any red boots.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: Oh! Those are my mama’s boots. And they also feet me.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed
twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

Hit the switch!

[The Christmas tree lights are on]

Oh! Gorgeous!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: Oh, my god!

Treece Hinderson: What? What is it?

Isaac Luneberi: It’s Roman. He’s standing next to the tree.

[Cut to Roman] [Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Treece Hinderson: Ah! And he’s got my boots!

[Cut to Roman. He shows the red boots. It’s a ladies boots.]

Do you think that he’s come to kill us?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Isaac Luneberi]

Isaac Luneberi: That’s a hard maybe.

Treece Hinderson: Oh, well I hope he’s got some patience. Because we have to unplug that tree and do another shout.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiddle-do-tweed

[Roman is dancing like he’s marching and he’s showing the boots.]

twiddle tree top on top of the Christmas tree

[cheers and applause]

Hobbit Office

Bilbo Baggins… Martin Freeman

Gandalf… Bobby Moynihan

Gollum… Taran Killam

[Starts with characters from The Hobbit working in office.]

Bilbo Baggins: What have I been up to? I went on a quest. [Cut to Bilbo Baggins] Saved middle earth. Became a bit of a hero. Did the noble thing and turned down loads of treasure. Yeah, so the brave Hobbit Bilbo Baggins now works at a paper company. Selling paper memes of the phone. And I drive a Jetta.

[Cut to “The Office: Middle Earth” intro. There are farms, horse carriage and people like in The Hobbit.] [Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: So, the woodman comes to me and says, “Thank you, Gandalf, General Manager, for this job.” I say, “Okay, you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? Visa V, A.K.A. for you! So maybe one day they end up here, in the up seat. Lord of the rings.

[Cut to a woman in the office. Her phone is ringing.] [Cut to Gollum calling] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Gandalf: Gollum? Hate him.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum ]

Bilbo Baggins: I see you’re in lately.

Gollum : [yelling] Oh! Where is it? Where is it? [looking for something everywhere.] [He opens his desk drawer and finds the ring inside the jelly.]

Oh! Ha-ha. Hilarious. Very funny. I’m fairly amused.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins laughing]


[Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: Ring in the jelly, huh?

Gollum : Are you gonna do something about this?

Bilbo Baggins: That wasn’t me.

Gollum : Then who was it?

Bilbo Baggins: I have no idea.

Gollum : Oh, sure you do.

Gandalf: Don’t touch it. Oh! [Gandalf is putting the ring on and off] Sexual!

[Cut to Gandalf in his office]

Gandalf: More so than a boss, I’m more of a chilled out entertainer/wizard.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and Gollum ]

Gandalf: You wanna hear a joke? Why do Orcs have such big penises?

[Orc walks in]

It’s to dis– Oh, yeah!

Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf, why do they have such big penises?

[Orc speaks in another language but the caption reads, “To distract from their faces, right?”]

Gandalf: Hello! Racist!

[Gandalf leaves] [Cut to Gandalf and Gollum ]

Gollum : Relax, Gandalf. He’s a funny man. No, he’s stupid and fat.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and a woman elf. She is calling Gollum .]

Gollum : Hello?

Woman elf: You have a very important client to see you in the woman’s restroom.

Gollum : What?

[Gollum  looks here and there, straightened his tie and left.]

Bilbo Baggins: He straightened his tie. He straightened his tie. He went.

[Cut to the door of women’s bathroom]

Screaming woman: Ah! Get out!

[Gollum  walks out] [Bilbo Baggins and the woman elf acting to be busy.]

Bilbo Baggins: So, can you get on to that in next couple of hours?

Woman elf: Yes.

[Cut to Gollum ]

Gollum : That was nasty tricksies!

[Cut to Orc and Bilbo Baggins eating facing each other.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf running into each other.]

Bilbo Baggins: Hi Gandalf.

Gandalf: Dildo Baggins?

[Cut to everybody having fun in the office.] [Gandalf starts dancing and others don’t like it.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Bilbo Baggins: Well, you don’t choose the people you work with.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum . Gollum  is eating a raw fish and Bilbo Baggins is disgusted.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]

Bilbo Baggins: Or go on a quest with.

[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and woman elf looking at each other in the meeting]

So, when you have a connection with someone, that means something.

[Cut to woman elf running with her bow and arrows.]

Woman elf: Everybody, they’ve breached the wall.

[Everyone is preparing for the battle.]

Bilbo Baggins: Okay, there’s now giant spiders in the parking lot.

[Bilbo Baggins also joins others for the battle.] [Cut to Gandalf]

Gandalf: Those shall not pass! Cheeky!

Assembly Line

Mr. Rudoman… Martin Freeman

Gordon… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of Heinz factory.]

Mr. Rudoman: Okay, Gordon. [Cut to inside the ketchup factory] This is your station.

Gordon: Oh, great. Thank you so much, Mr. Rudoman for this opportunity. It’s just so hard to find good work these days.

Mr. Rudoman: Oh, it’s quite simple actually. You ever worked on assembly line?

Gordon: Never.

Mr. Rudoman: Not a problem. Couldn’t be easier. Now, this is the master control for the assembly line that puts the labels on the ketchup bottles. You just watch the light. When it turns green, you pull this lever- this lever, and that starts the assembly line. And the only time you have to do anything else is if the light turns yellow, which means there is a safety issue. Then you push the lever back up. Hopefully that never happens. Then at the end of the day, you just push up the lever and shut down the assembly line. You got it?

Gordon: Uh-huh.

Mr. Rudoman: You have any questions, come find me.

Gordon: Okay. So, I build it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Right. You– wait, no, what?

Gordon: I’m sorry. I assemble it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] No, gordon.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: This controls the assembly line. You just start and stop.

Gordon: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so nervous. I love ketchup. Okay, so I move it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Move?

Gordon: Or spin it?

Mr. Rudoman: Spin what?

Gordon: The line.

Mr. Rudoman: No. No, the assembly line moves itself. This is the lever to start and stop it. Green, you pull it. Yellow, push it.

Gordon: Blue?

Mr. Rudoman: here’s no blue.
Gordon: Good to know.

Mr. Rudoman: Here, watch. When this little light turns green, I pull like this. Then I leave it alone, unless the light turns yellow, then I push it like this.

Gordon: So, never actually touch it.

Mr. Rudoman: No, I’m miming because if I actually move it–

Gordon: It turns yellow.

Mr. Rudoman: No! The assembly line starts.

Gordon: Which I move by hand.

Mr. Rudoman: Wrong. How are you not getting this?

Gordon: I’m as baffled as you are.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. I need you to listen very carefully.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: When this light turns green…

Gordon: Light turns green.

Mr. Rudoman: Pull the lever down.

Gordon: Pull the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: And leave the lever alone.

Gordon: Don’t touch it again.

Mr. Rudoman: Unless…

Gordon: There’s more.

Mr. Rudoman: The same light turns yellow.

Gordon: Oh, it’s the same light.

Mr. Rudoman: That means something’s wrong.

Gordon: Oh, dear!

Mr. Rudoman: Then, push the lever back up.

Gordon: Now, we push the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: But only if the light turns yellow.

Gordon: Or blue.

Mr. Rudoman: There is no blue. Only yellow. If it never turns yellow, we…

Gordon: Never touch the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: Correct.

Gordon: Question.

Mr. Rudoman: Sure.

Gordon: What’s a lever?

Mr. Rudoman: Seriously?

Gordon: I take my work very seriously.

Mr. Rudoman: See this? That’s the lever.

Gordon: Oh, the stick?

Mr. Rudoman: Uh-huh.

Gordon: Oh! Is that what you’re talking about the whole time?

Mr. Rudoman: Yes!

Gordon: Ah! It’s so easy. Okay, so, green light comes on, pull the lever, leave it unless a different light–

Mr. Rudoman: No, same light.

Gordon: Same light… turns blue…

Mr. Rudoman: [yelling] Yellow!

Gordon: Yellow. Push it up. And then at the end of the day, stop it. That’s it.

Mr. Rudoman: Yep. All clear?

Gordon: Perfectly. I’m so sorry.

Mr. Rudoman: It’s very simple.

Gordon: I see that now.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. Goodbye.

[Mr. Rudoman leaves]

Gordon: Okay. So, wait for it. [Gordon is waiting for the light] Wait for it. Wait for it.

[the light turns green]

Green light. Pull the lever. [Gordon pulls the lever.] It starts. Okay. Just leave it. That’s so simple. Oh, the ketchup. It’s not that hard.

[the light turns blue]

Blue light?