Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Waterbed Warehouse

Dom McWeber… Martin Freeman

Jeanine… Aidy Bryant

Delivery guys… Jay Pharoah, Taran Killam

[Starts with Dom McWeber talking in front of two beautiful queen size beds.]

Dom McWeber: Hi there, folks. I am Dam McWeber. Proud owner of Waterbed Warehouse. We are Upper South Dakota’s premiere Waterbed distributor. You might have heard our jingle on the radio.

[Cut to Jeanine singing in a fancy gown]

Jeanine: [singing] Waterbed warehouse
A Waterbeds are the best!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: That lady with the face and the eyes, that was my wife Jeanine. She looks pretty spiffy, don’t she? That dress cost me a pretty penny but it was all worth it. She writes all our catchy jingles.

[Cut to Jeanine lying on a bed. The bed sheet has her photo.]

Jeanine: That’s me, Jeanine!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: She was a stay at home mom for the past 20 years, but recently she got called up on stages of volunteer to local magic show. That little taste of the spotlight made Jeanine realize she was born to be a star. So, daily and nightly, she insisted she become the face of Waterbed Warehouse. And I said, “Um, okay.” Hey folks, looking for the number to call and get a great Waterbed? Here it is.

[Cut to Jeanine. The phone number is appearing and disappearing on the screen.]

Jeanine: [singing] Call 1-605-555-0100
and hold that 100 down for a while
yeah, hold that number down hard
Waterbed warehouse
a Waterbed’s are the best

[She jumps on the bed that has her picture on it’s bed sheet. The rose petals fall on her.] [Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Wow. Now that is talent. So, come on down to our showroom. Off Interstate 90 by the airport, we’re releasing the spots coz we remodeled our store front.

[Cut to a picture of Waterbed Warehoue. It has big board of Jeanine’s face on it.] [Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Jeanine said all successful companies have a mascot. Like flow from Progressive and the Geico Gecko. She also kept mentioning the doritos clown which I don’t think is really a thing. Either way, there’s no sleep like a Waterbed sleep. But I’ll let my wife Jeanine explain that.

[Cut to Jeanine laying on the bed.]

Jeanine: [singing] Splashing in the night
the water around me brings me rest
the ocean is my prayer
because a Waterbed’s are the huh-huh-huh
I said a Waterbed’s are the– not quite yet!
I said a Waterbed’s are the– no, no, no
I said a Waterbeds are the best!

[Two men without shirt come in with the sparklers. They have Jeanine’s photos on their shoulders.] [cheers and applause

Oh yeah!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Those are our delivery guys. And they’re great. You know what’s also great? Now through Christmas, we’ll deliver and fill you bed for free!

[Cut to Jeanine. She is wearing a rasta hat and she had dread locks now.]

Jeanine: [talking like Jamaican] For free! That deal be crazy, man!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Don’t worry. That’s still Jeanine! She was just doing one of her characters. I just hope I don’t lose her to Hollywood. Everyone wants a piece of Jeanine. She’s a one woman party.

[Cut to Jeanine. Hiphop beat playing.]

Jeanine: [rapping] Put your hands up
if you wanna Waterbed
put your hands up
yeah!
Everybody loves a Waterbed
fill your bed up with water if you wanna Waterbed
because…

[A big board of Jeanine’s face slides down. The mouth part opens and Jeanine puts her head on that hole.]

A Waterbeds are the best!

[Dom McWeber walks in]

Dom McWeber: So, get down to Waterbed Warehouse. Why? Because…

Dom McWeber and Jeanine: A Waterbeds are the best!