Tag: Martin Herlihy

Please Don’t Destroy – The Stakeout

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, and Martin Herlihy in their office.]

Ben: Fellaas, what are we up to tonight? You guys come on over play Tony Hawk I’m busy?

John: I’m busy tonight.

Martin: I’m tired tonight.

Ben: You’re busy and you’re tired.

John: But maybe tomorrow.

Ben: Oh yeah. Cool. Cool. No sweat.

Martin: Next time.

[John and Martin leave] [Woody Harrelson walks in knocking the door]

Woody: Hey man. Everything okay with you and your little friends?

Ben: I don’t know. I’m kind of worried they’re hanging out without me.

Woody: Do you think maybe we should follow them to find out?

Ben: Follow them? You don’t mean-?

Woody: Yeah. Stakeout.

[Ben and Woody are following John and Martin. They reach a house.]

Woody: What are they doing out here in the suburbs?

Ben: Whose house is this?

[John and Martin are playing video game together.]

John: Kickflip.

Martin: Oh dude, oli, oli. I just olied.

Ben: Wow, dude. Okay, I’m gonna text them.

[Ben texts them]

John: Who’s that?

Martin: Ben.

[Martin looks at the message and throws the phone into the trash]

Ben: Did he just throw his phone away?

Woody: That’s a low blow. Well, [pulls out a gun] time to go in there and kill them.

Ben: No, man. What?

Woody: We’ll make it look like a robbery.

Ben: Jesus, dude. That’s not why we’re here. We’re just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What’s going on with them?

[John and Martin are not cuddling]

Ben: They look really cozy.

John: It’s really nice.

Martin: Yes.

[John and Martin start kissing]

Woody: Hey, are they together?

Ben: What?

Woody: Alright, should we head out?

Ben: No, we’re not done, man. Oh my god.

[John is holding a baby]

Woody: They got a baby too.

John: I’ll email them.

Martin: Kids, dino nuggets are ready.

John: Come on, daddy made your favorite.

[two other children run into the kitchen]

Ben: They have a family?

[a teenager joins them at the dinner table]

Woody: Oh-oh, and one moody teen.

Teen: Dino nuggets again?

Martin: Okay, mister, I worked very hard-

John: Okay, radical acceptance.

Ben: This is insane.

Woody: Ben, it’s 2015. It’s not insane to be gay.

Ben: It’s not 2015, man! And I’m not mad they’re gay. I’m mad they have a secret beautiful life they never told me about.

Woody: Well, maybe they’re just afraid to tell anyone.

[Kenan walks in the house]

Kenan: I brought Keesh.

John: Oh my god. Kids, uncle Kenan’s here.

Ben: Uncle Kenan? Okay, well, I’m gonna text him because Kenan wouldn’t lie to me.

[Ben texts Kenan. Kenan checks his phone, shakes his head and throws his phone into the trash]

They can’t just keep throwing their phones away.

Woody: Man, you never saw any signs of this in the past.

Ben: I mean, not that I remember. We would just hang out and laugh together. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. They can’t risk losing me because they love me too much.

Woody: Are you sure?

[The kids are hitting a punching bag that has Ben’s face on it with baseball bats]

Ben: Where did they even get that?

John: Alright, kids. Time for bed. We got work to do.

Ben: Work? What work?

[John and Martin are auditioning for ‘new Ben’]

Martin: Next. Excellent. Whenever you’re ready.

[there are few people who are auditioning for the role]

Woody: It’s like they’re doing auditions to replace you.

Actor: Oh, John, did you get a weird new haircut?

John: Way funnier than Ben?

Ben: Okay, I’m going in there.

John: And Saturdays, you’re available? Because-

Martin: Ben, it’s not what it looks like.

Ben: Then tell me what it is.

Martin: John and I have a secret family and we’re holding auditions to replace you.

Ben: That’s what I thought it was. This is insane, man. Why are you doing this?

John: You’re right, man. What are we doing? We shouldn’t be holding auditions to replace him.

Martin: Because the group would be fine if it was just us two.

Ben: Wha?

John: But we wouldn’t do that to you. Because there’s only one you.

Martin: And you are irreplaceable. Right, Ben?

[Woody is wearing red wig. He has already replaced Ben.]

Woody: Thanks, guys. Bad Boys for life. Man. I feel like we’re back at NYU right now.

[Cut to John and Martin watching the video at their office.]

Martin: Oh my God, he is so much better than Bne.

John: He’s the perfect replacement.

Please Don’t Destroy – Chelsea

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Chelsea… Sarah Sherman

Courtney… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ben, John and Martin in their office.]

John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?

Ben: Your ex Chelsea?

John: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.

Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.

Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.

Martin: Just like a negative person.

Ben: Like a bad person.

Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”

Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.

Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.

Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”

Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”

Ben: She stung. She was stinky.

Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?

John: We got back together.

Ben: You did?

John: And she’s right here.

[Chelsea is sitting on the couch right beside them]

Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?

Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.

Ben: Love it.

Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.

John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.

[The whole family is on Zoom group call]

Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.

Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…

[Ben closes the computer]

Ben: Close out of that one.

Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?

Chelsea: I do.

Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.

Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.

[Cortney is also sitting on the couch]

Courtney: Wow.

Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.

Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.

John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?

[There’s a stenographer in front of the door]

Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Martin: Where are all of you coming from?

Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.

Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.

Ben: What? That’s your wife?

Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.

Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.

Martin Short: Favorite host?

Ben: Damn it.

Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.

Michael Che: Not cool, guys.

Ben: Che?

Martin: Why were back there?

Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?

Ben: ABC rule.

Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.

Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.

John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.

[Ben is now sitting between John, Chelsea and Courtney.]

Ben: That’s really not cool, man.

Martin: Oh my god.

Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.

All: Yay.

Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.

[Chelsea’s dad walks in]

Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.

[Starring Sarah Sherman’s Real Dad]

Please Don’t Destroy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy in their office looking exhausted]

Ben: Man I haven’t been feeling good lately. Just like healthy healthy.

John: Totally. I’ve been feeling Fuego.

Martin: Looking Fuego too.

Ben: It’s so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves. You know what I mean? Like, wellness.

John: Wellness. Oh my god. It’s so important.

Ben: My big thing I’m trying to crack right now is my screen time. Right now, I’m up to 23 and a half hours a day.

Martin: You got to do better.

Ben: That’s not great.

John: I’ve been trying to get in shape. Have you guys heard of intermittent fasting?

Ben: Yeah. Are you doing that?

John: No, I’m doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, I’m not sleeping.

Ben: Is it working?

John: Not yet.

Ben: Okay, cool. Mark, how about you?

Martin: Oh, well, I got this new post workout smoothie I’ve been loving.

Ben: Oh, smoothies time what’s in it?

Martin: Just like milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce.

John: Oh, a milkshake.

Martin: A milkshake, yes. Why? What did I say?

Ben: We’re doing so well.

Martin: So good.

John: The best.

Ben: And I’m feeling kind of miserable.

Martin: So miserable.

John: The worst. Oh, guys. I’m on a new medication.

Ben: That’s great, buddy.

John: It’s like Zoloft, but just the side effects. So very depressed, but my penis is broken.

Ben: That sucks.

Martin: And I just signed up for a new gym.

Ben: Which one you go with?

Martin: This is gonna sound kind of weird, but it’s called Cigarette Fitness.

Ben: Oh my god. So it’s a smoking gym?

Martin: A smoking gym. That’s right.

Ben: Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Bing. I’ve been mad into that.

Martin: God, we are doing so well right now.

Ben: Totally, we’re slipping away.

John: Ever since a pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer.

Martin: Dimmer, yeah.

Ben: Dating, yeah.

Martin: I’ve forgotten how to dance.

Ben: Oh, remember dancing?It was like… I don’t know why we ever did that.

Martin: Oh, I’ve been seeing a therapist.

Ben: Really?

Martin: Yeah, like all over the place. I don’t think she’s really there.

Ben: Oh, like a hallucination.

[Martin is seeing a woman waving at him standing behind Ben]

I’m trying to kick all my bad habits man. I mean, I gotta stop grinding my teeth.

[Ben shows his teeth. It looks horrible]

Is it bad?

John: Yes. You look like Gollum.

Martin: God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes and start screaming about how there’s too many wires in the world.

Ben: One day is all we ask.

All: Just one day.

[Cut to Wellness commercial video]

Female voice: Wellness, brought to you by Oral B mouthguards.

Please Dont Destroy Tommy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Tommy… Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with high school graduates having a party]

John: Yo, Anthony, get off the island, bro. My mom is gonna freak out. Oh my god.

Martin: John, this party rocks.

Ben: It’s like legendary.

Tommy: Totally. Let’s hope your mom lets him drink.

John: She’s got to. We’re seniors now.

Tommy: Seniors. God, it feels so weird to say that. So used to being the junior.

Martin: Look at us grown up.

Ben: Oh, I got my Penn State app done by the way.

John: Dude, me too brother.

Martin: Same. Hello? Future roomies. What about you, Tommy? Done with your app?

Tommy: Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m not applying to Penn State.

John: What? Why?

Ben: You’re playing Harvard aren’t you, pal?

John: Tommy!

Martin: Oh, you friggin brainiac!

Tommy: No, no. Guys, look, remember when I told you I was 17?

Ben: Yeah, we all are.

Tommy: I’m 67.

Martin: What?

Tommy: I’m 67 years old.

Ben: No, you’re 17, you’re from New Jersey. Your name is Tommy Porcha Purchiano.

Tommy: My name is Seamus O’sullivan. I’m a 67 year old Irishman.

John: So let me get this straight. when we would skip seven periods, sneak beers, you were what? Some old guy?

Tommy: Think about it. When you are dragging crappy beer, I was drinking?

John: A glass of whiskey with a big square ice cube.

Martin: but Porcha, you’re the craziest kid in school. I mean, you did drugs in class.

Tommy: Those were blood thinners.

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: So all those times after gym class when we were nervously changing and you were really comfortable being asked nude?

Tommy: That’s just the way old fellas are.

Ben: Tommy, why are you in high school?

Tommy: I don’t know. I just felt lost. And then I watched Gossip Girl. And it just seemed fun.

Ben, John and Martin: What?

Ben: Come on, man.

Margin: You watched Gossip Girl and enrolled in high school?

Tommy: [mocking] You saw Gossip girl and then you enrolled in high school? I saw it with my wife.

Ben: Dude, you have a wife?

Tommy: Yes. And 13 children. Ah! Do you think they’d be mad at me?

Martin: Of course they’re gonna be mad at you.

Ben: Come on guys, let’s get the hell out of here.

John: I do just have one question. What any of this real?

Tommy: Was it real? Ben, when you forgot your lunch money, what did I do?

Ben: You gave me half your cabbage.

Tommy: When we were having body image issues, what did I do to make you feel better?

Martin: You took your shirt off and jumped around a little.

Tommy: John, when your father passed, who was there to support your family?

John: You.

Tommy: Staying with your mother every night, giving her massages, sleeping in our bed?

John: I didn’t know that happened.

Tommy: Just saying. You’re my boys. Weren’t about to have an epic senior year.

Martin: Wait, then what about your family?

Tommy: Don’t be dumb. I’m not going to miss me senior year. Not when we finally run this school.

All: Yeah!

Martin: [showing his car keys] Anybody needs a lift?

[cut to Tommy, Ben, John and Martin on a car. Tommy is standing behind at the back of the pickup.”

Tommy: I feel infinite.

[now everyone is standing at the back of the pickup”

All: I feel infinite.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.

Please Dont Destroy Three Sad Virgins ft Taylor Swift

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Pete Davidson

Taylor Swift

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy at their office.]

Ben Marshall: Just feels like the whole thing is there.

[door knocking]

John Higgins: Come on in.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what’s up, boys?

Ben Marshall: Hey, Pete in the house.

Martin Herlihy: The king of Staten Island himself.

Pete Davidson: What?

Martin Herlihy: Nothing. What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Well, I just want to say first off you guys have been making some really fun videos for the show this year.

Ben Marshall: Thank you, man. That’s very nice.

Pete Davidson: It got me thinking. I was like, we should all do a video together. I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video about how we’re all like best friends and how we’re like boys.

Ben Marshall: Then we would be in it with you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, you guys would be the boys. So, yeah.

John Higgins: Yeah. Oh my god.

Pete Davidson: Let’s do it.

[music video starts]

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s Pete, PDD. Let’s go.

[rapping] Another day in the life of Pete
just sitting in the court side seat
People want to take my picture with selfie sticks
that winds up on page six
It’s never ending, everyday I’m trending
people want to see the text that I’m sending
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins

Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh

Ben Marshall: Hey, can we timeout for a second?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What’s going on, guys? Having fun?

John Higgins: I’m having a blast. Quick question. Is this about us?

Pete Davidson: Which part?

Martin Herlihy: I guess the three sad virgin part?

Ben Marshall: Like, we have had sex. Maybe not super recently. But…

Pete Davidson: Guys, it’s just a parody video. You guys are just playing characters.

Martin Herlihy: Characters.

Ben Marshall: So, people won’t think it’s us.

Pete Davidson: It’s not about you at all.

[back to music video] [rapping] The names are Martin, Ben and John
And they’ve worked at the show on Monday
just don’t have any swag
they’re tall and weird and sad

John’s loud but not very smart

Ben’s breath kind of smells like a fart
and Martin’s penis tip is way to red
at least that’s what his doctor said

Three sad virgins, woh

Three sad virgins, woh

John Higgins: Oh my god.

Martin Herlihy: That was my real doctor.

Ben Marshall: I gotta say something.

John Higgins: Yeah, you should. Yeah.

Ben Marshall: Pete.

Pete Davidson: What’s up?

Ben Marshall: We love it.

All: We love it.

Ben Marshall: I just had one like tiny thought.

John Higgins: This guy’s notes. leave it as it is. It’s rockin, dude

Pete Davidson: Do you have an ashtray by any chance? [John Higgins gives him his palm to put the ash on] Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Ben Marshall: Only the thing is, maybe it could just be like completely different.

Pete Davidson: Oh, okay.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, maybe it’s something topical like, Dune’s a big movie.

Ben Marshall: Something with Dune.

John Higgins: A Dune rap.

Pete Davidson: Alright. Alright, guys. It’s now a Dune rap. So, let’s get some [bleep] sand in here. Alright.

[rapping] The planet Dune is very nice
it’s a world that’s made a spice
it’s Sandy like a plier was Zendaya
I’m gonna ride a worm and these guys suck

Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune

John Higgins: Why is he humiliating us? Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy’s?

Ben Marshall: I can’t give you through it.
Martin Herlihy: Why are we up here?

John Higgins: He said we’re like the flying sad sag.

Ben Marshall: You know what? We can’t stand for this.

[Ben Marshall tries to get off the ropes, then falls down]

Pete Davidson: Are you guys ready to go again?

All: No.

Ben Marshall: We can’t do this anymore. Okay? It’s humiliating.

Pete Davidson: Damn, guys. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a fun thing for all of us. If it’s not then, let’s just end it.

John Higgins: Thanks, Pete.

Martin Herlihy: Thank you.

Pete Davidson: I mean, after we do the bridge.

John Higgins: Wait, what bridge?

[Taylor Swift walks in]

Taylor Swift: Hey, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, Taylor.

Taylor Swift: [singing] Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
he looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers
And Martin has the charm and sex appeal of a scarecrow
John has a big ass bowling ball head
How does he stay upright with that big fat head
and none of them have the guts to take their shirts off in front of a girl

Three sad virgins, what? 
Three sad virgins, who
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, woh
and they’re gonna die alone

Please Don’t Destroy – Calling Angie

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers of SNL in their office room]

Ben: I’m sorry you and Angie broke up but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

John: I’m not calling her guys.

Martin: Why not?

John: Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either. [sad music playing] I was really a jerk to her. I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

Martin: John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Ben: Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that. Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

[John calls Angie]

Angie: Hello.

John: Hey, Ange. It’s me. Yeah, it’s John. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Martin: What?

Ben: No! Why are you saying that?

Martin: Stop.

John: What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

Martin: Say what you said earlier.

Ben: Say something else.

Martin: The being vulnerable thing.

John: Go fuck yourself. I never liked you in the first place, girly.

Ben: What did she say?

John: You got to bail me out.

Ben: You want me to talk to her?

John: Bail me out. Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Ben: Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna– Fuck you.

Martin: No! Oh my god.

Ben: Fuck you, loser.

John: No!

Ben: Am I doing it too?

John: Yes.

Ben: I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

John: Get off the phone.

Martin: Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

Ben: Come on, man!

John: It’s my ex girlfriend. Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Martin: Oh, dude. It’s on mute. [unmutes] Fuck you, bitch.

Martin: Why are we so off today?

John: Ange?

[hangs up]

She hung up on me.

Ben: Are you serious?

Martin: Very mature.

John: Blew it again with the love of my life.

Martin: Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Ben: Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.” She did not like that.

John: But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends. She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song. She was– [phone ringing] Oh my god, she’s on her way up.

[Angie barges in]

Angie: You mother[bleep].

All: Angie.

[Angie smashes John’s head on the table]

Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.