Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.

Please Dont Destroy Three Sad Virgins ft Taylor Swift

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Pete Davidson

Taylor Swift

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy at their office.]

Ben Marshall: Just feels like the whole thing is there.

[door knocking]

John Higgins: Come on in.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what’s up, boys?

Ben Marshall: Hey, Pete in the house.

Martin Herlihy: The king of Staten Island himself.

Pete Davidson: What?

Martin Herlihy: Nothing. What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Well, I just want to say first off you guys have been making some really fun videos for the show this year.

Ben Marshall: Thank you, man. That’s very nice.

Pete Davidson: It got me thinking. I was like, we should all do a video together. I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video about how we’re all like best friends and how we’re like boys.

Ben Marshall: Then we would be in it with you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, you guys would be the boys. So, yeah.

John Higgins: Yeah. Oh my god.

Pete Davidson: Let’s do it.

[music video starts]

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s Pete, PDD. Let’s go.

[rapping] Another day in the life of Pete
just sitting in the court side seat
People want to take my picture with selfie sticks
that winds up on page six
It’s never ending, everyday I’m trending
people want to see the text that I’m sending
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins

Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh

Ben Marshall: Hey, can we timeout for a second?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What’s going on, guys? Having fun?

John Higgins: I’m having a blast. Quick question. Is this about us?

Pete Davidson: Which part?

Martin Herlihy: I guess the three sad virgin part?

Ben Marshall: Like, we have had sex. Maybe not super recently. But…

Pete Davidson: Guys, it’s just a parody video. You guys are just playing characters.

Martin Herlihy: Characters.

Ben Marshall: So, people won’t think it’s us.

Pete Davidson: It’s not about you at all.

[back to music video] [rapping] The names are Martin, Ben and John
And they’ve worked at the show on Monday
just don’t have any swag
they’re tall and weird and sad

John’s loud but not very smart

Ben’s breath kind of smells like a fart
and Martin’s penis tip is way to red
at least that’s what his doctor said

Three sad virgins, woh

Three sad virgins, woh

John Higgins: Oh my god.

Martin Herlihy: That was my real doctor.

Ben Marshall: I gotta say something.

John Higgins: Yeah, you should. Yeah.

Ben Marshall: Pete.

Pete Davidson: What’s up?

Ben Marshall: We love it.

All: We love it.

Ben Marshall: I just had one like tiny thought.

John Higgins: This guy’s notes. leave it as it is. It’s rockin, dude

Pete Davidson: Do you have an ashtray by any chance? [John Higgins gives him his palm to put the ash on] Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Ben Marshall: Only the thing is, maybe it could just be like completely different.

Pete Davidson: Oh, okay.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, maybe it’s something topical like, Dune’s a big movie.

Ben Marshall: Something with Dune.

John Higgins: A Dune rap.

Pete Davidson: Alright. Alright, guys. It’s now a Dune rap. So, let’s get some [bleep] sand in here. Alright.

[rapping] The planet Dune is very nice
it’s a world that’s made a spice
it’s Sandy like a plier was Zendaya
I’m gonna ride a worm and these guys suck

Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune

John Higgins: Why is he humiliating us? Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy’s?

Ben Marshall: I can’t give you through it.
Martin Herlihy: Why are we up here?

John Higgins: He said we’re like the flying sad sag.

Ben Marshall: You know what? We can’t stand for this.

[Ben Marshall tries to get off the ropes, then falls down]

Pete Davidson: Are you guys ready to go again?

All: No.

Ben Marshall: We can’t do this anymore. Okay? It’s humiliating.

Pete Davidson: Damn, guys. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a fun thing for all of us. If it’s not then, let’s just end it.

John Higgins: Thanks, Pete.

Martin Herlihy: Thank you.

Pete Davidson: I mean, after we do the bridge.

John Higgins: Wait, what bridge?

[Taylor Swift walks in]

Taylor Swift: Hey, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, Taylor.

Taylor Swift: [singing] Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
he looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers
And Martin has the charm and sex appeal of a scarecrow
John has a big ass bowling ball head
How does he stay upright with that big fat head
and none of them have the guts to take their shirts off in front of a girl

Three sad virgins, what? 
Three sad virgins, who
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, woh

and they’re gonna die alone

Please Don’t Destroy – Calling Angie

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers of SNL in their office room]

Ben: I’m sorry you and Angie broke up but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

John: I’m not calling her guys.

Martin: Why not?

John: Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either. [sad music playing] I was really a jerk to her. I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

Martin: John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Ben: Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that. Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

[John calls Angie]

Angie: Hello.

John: Hey, Ange. It’s me. Yeah, it’s John. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Martin: What?

Ben: No! Why are you saying that?

Martin: Stop.

John: What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

Martin: Say what you said earlier.

Ben: Say something else.

Martin: The being vulnerable thing.

John: Go fuck yourself. I never liked you in the first place, girly.

Ben: What did she say?

John: You got to bail me out.

Ben: You want me to talk to her?

John: Bail me out. Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Ben: Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna– Fuck you.

Martin: No! Oh my god.

Ben: Fuck you, loser.

John: No!

Ben: Am I doing it too?

John: Yes.

Ben: I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

John: Get off the phone.

Martin: Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

Ben: Come on, man!

John: It’s my ex girlfriend. Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Martin: Oh, dude. It’s on mute. [unmutes] Fuck you, bitch.

Martin: Why are we so off today?

John: Ange?

[hangs up]

She hung up on me.

Ben: Are you serious?

Martin: Very mature.

John: Blew it again with the love of my life.

Martin: Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Ben: Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.” She did not like that.

John: But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends. She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song. She was– [phone ringing] Oh my god, she’s on her way up.

[Angie barges in]

Angie: You mother[bleep].

All: Angie.

[Angie smashes John’s head on the table]

Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.

Please Dont Destroy

Ben Marshall

Martin Herlihy

John Higgins

[Starts with Martin Herlihy and John Higgins at SNL office in SNL writing night.] [rock music playing]

Martin Herlihy: Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.

John Higgins: Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?

Martin Herlihy: Probably just a hard seltzer.

John Higgins: Nice. What kind?

Martin Herlihy: Just a JC Penny.

[John Higgins is surprised]

John Higgins: The department store?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. Ever since White Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them. Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.

John Higgins: Don’t they just make clothes?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Okay? I’m not in the board of the company. This is just a thing that I like. [takes a sip]

John Higgins: What flavor is it? [pulls out a can from the pack and reads] Men’s jackets?

Martin Herlihy: It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.

John Higgins: Does it taste like belts and ties?

Martin Herlihy: No, it tastes like grape. You stupid?

Ben Marshall: Ben in the house.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, Ben man.

Ben Marshall: Oh, you drinking JCPs?

Martin Herlihy: You know it!

John Higgins: You know about this?

Ben Marshall: Got some seltzers myself.

John Higgins: Jiffy Lube?

Ben Marshall: Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Martin Herlihy: Come on! Everyone’s doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.

Ben Marshall: Exxon, Verizon.

Martin Herlihy: Dr. Riccardi.

John Higgins: Who?

Martin Herlihy: My dentist. [shows him a can of seltzer with his dentist’s photo on it]

Ben Marshall: That one’s actually really good.

John Higgins: I don’t understand why you like these.

Ben Marshall: You don’t have to understand everything, John.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you see in your girlfriend.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: We don’t get angry.

Ben Marshall: No, we don’t yell at you.

Martin Herlihy: No.

John Higgins: Am I awake?

Ben Marshall: I also got the summer variety pack.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, nice. This is awesome.

Ben Marshall: That’s for everybody. And John, if you want one, take one.

[Martin Herlihy pours a belt buckle in his mouth while drinking the seltzer.]

Martin Herlihy: Oh! I hate it when these get in there.

Ben Marshall: A belt buckle?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. JC Penny ones, sometimes they get in there.

John Higgins: Stop slurping like that.

Ben Marshall: Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression of? [mocking] Oh, I’m John.

Martin Herlihy: John.

John Higgins: Me.

Ben Marshall: Yeah, it’s John.

John Higgins: Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Does the [bleep] desk have one?

Martin Herlihy: I don’t know. Really not.

Ben Marshall: I don’t know.

[John Higgins pulls out a can of seltzer out of desk. It’s written ‘DESK’ on it.]

Martin Herlihy: Okay, so yeah. The desk has one.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Ben Marshall: Try one!

John Higgins: Fine!

[John Higgins opens the can and drinks the seltzer.]

That’s pretty goo. Oh my god!

Ben Marshall: Cheers!

Martin Herlihy: Cheers, brother!

John Higgins: I was wrong.

Male voice: DESK Hard Seltzer, it’s in the desk.