Chain Gang

Tommy… Benedict Cumberbatch

Warden… Alex Moffat

Lenny… Kyle Mooney

Mary… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four men working in prison]

Chris: Lord, it’s hot.

Kenan: Georgia July is hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch.

James: And don’t the warden know it?

Warden: Alright boys, back to work now. These rocks, they ain’t gonna break themselves. And get happy now. I want to see some smiles.

[music playing]

Chris: I was born on a farm on a moonless night
mama never taught me wrong from right
now I’m doing time in Georgia

All: Now I’m doing time in Georgia 

Chris: Long time in Georgia

All: Long time in Georgia

Chris: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free, yeah.

James: Now the good book said be a righteous man
but the devil pulled me down and away we ran
So they locked me up in town

All: Locked me up in town

James: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

James: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

Take it Tommy.

Tommy: If you see something bad, you know I’m gonna tell
that’s why they put me in a better prison cell
because I snitch to the warden

All: Snitch to the warden

Tommy: Snitching to the warden

All: Snitching to the warden

Tommy: Oh, lord, prison’s not so bad.

James: Wait, Tom, did you just say you were snitching to the warden?

Tommy: Yeah, that’s the way the old prison song goes.

Kenan: Nope.

Chris: You getting special treatment here, Tom?

Tommy: No, just singing to pass the time. Whoo-wee, it’s hot. [pulls out a fancy drink]

Chris: Where did you get that fancy drink?

Tommy: You fellas didn’t get one?

Kenan: I did not.

[dogs barking]

James: Hey, what’s going on?

Chris: Oh, hell, they caught Lenny!

Warden: Well, well, well. Look who we found hiding in the storm drain down by the highway.

Lenny: But it’s impossible. How did you find me?

Mikey: Let’s just say a little birdie told us your plan. On an unrelated note. Tom, here is a cherry pie.

Tommy: Cherry pie? Mmm-mmm.

Warden: And as for you, Lenny, you know what we do with escapees. But them in the box!

Lenny: No. No, no.

Kenan: You animals. You lousy animals.

James: He’s a good man. Don’t put him in the box.

Tommy: Okay, just put them in the box for a couple of days. You guys know best.

Warden:  All right, show’s over now boys. Now, unless you got a pie in your hands, get back to work.

Kenan: When I dream at night, that’s the only time I’m free
I wake up every morning in a penitentiary
Now I’m doing 10 to 20

All: Doing 10 to 20.

Kenan: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

Kenan: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free

Tommy: If you tell me a secret I’ll pass them along
You’ll be in the box while I’m singing this song
made a deal with the warden

All: Deal with the warden

Tommy: I’ll tell him all your secrets

All: Tell him all your secrets

Tommy: Every time I snitch they bring me a big cherry pie

Kenan: Shh, here comes the warden’s wife.

James: Ma’am.

Kenan: Ma’am.

Chris: Ma’am.

Tommy: Ma’am.

Warden: Wow, if it isn’t my lovely wife, Mary. What do you do in here woman?

Mary: Oh, I was just passing by my way into town. Figured I take a gander at all these bad, bad boys. This one looks especially naughty. Are you naughty boy?

Tommy: Yes ma’am. Very naughty ma’am.

Mary: Looks like you missed a bit of cherry pie.

Tommy: Thank you kindly. It’s not like me to waste a good bit of cherry pie.

[Mary laughing and flirting with Tommy]

Chris: What the hell?

Warden: Alright, Mary. I know you got some shopping to do.

Mary: Bye boys. See you later.

Warden: Well, that’s enough yapping for one day. Back to work all of you.

Tommy: Now, I can’t complain about my life
I get to sleep with the warden’s wife

sleeping with the warden’s wife

All: Sleeping with the warden’s wife

Tommy: Sleeping with his pretty wife

All: Sleeping with his pretty wife

Warden: He watches from the closet smiling in the dark

Mikey: Warden, I do believe Tom is sleeping with your wife.

Warden: Yeah, I know. I can’t please her myself. Best to let her be happy.

All: Let her be happy, let her be happy
Let her be happy, let her be happy

HipHop Nativity

Kitty… Heidi Gardner

Neely… Billy Eilish

Chris Redd

Joseph…Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Baby Jesus… Andrerw Dismukes

Mary… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a rehearsal of Hip-Hop Nativity]

Kitty: Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?

Cast: Yes, miss Kitty.

Kitty: Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Kitty: Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing. We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.

Kitty: Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.

Kitty: Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.

Chris: I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?

Kitty: Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Kitty: Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you, okay? Now where’s our Joseph?

Joseph: : Right here, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.

Joseph: A what?

Kitty: A pimp walk. Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.

[music playing] [Kitty and Kitty start doing the pimp walk]

Kitty: A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk. And you’re gonna work it down here. Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.

Kitty: Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees, okay?

Chris: Oh, are they now?

Kitty: Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk. And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.” There, go, do it.

Joseph: okay, so like… [starts doing pimp walk]

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Come on. Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there. The pimp walk’s getting there. Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.

Chris: Yeah. To just face the wall?

Kitty: Yeah.

Chris: Okay.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Where are my donkeys at?

Chris: By all means, teach me hip hop, please.

Kitty: Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out. Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop. And when you land I want booty booty.

Bowen: Don’t you mean ass?

Kitty: That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Kitty: Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop. It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop, pop.

Chris: How is no one filming this?

Baby Jesus: Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.

Kitty: Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.

Baby Jesus: Excuse me? Twerking?

Kitty: Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby. Are you in your diaper?

Baby Jesus: I mean, yeah.

Kitty: Drop robe. Let’s go.

[Baby Jesus opens his robe. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Kitty: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt? We got to make him a butt quick.

[Kitty and Kitty bring some hays and put inside his diaper.]

Baby Jesus: Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby. Hey! Cut it out!

Kitty: We’ll make you a butt, baby.

Baby Jesus: No, I don’t need one.

Kitty: Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

[Baby Jesus starts twerking]

Kitty: Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

Kitty: It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

[Mary runs in]

Kitty: How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?

Mary: Um. I’m not sure.

Kitty: Wrong answer.

Kitty: Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall. Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Joseph: Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Kitty: Donkey, start popping. Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Kitty: [dancing on the pole] Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Kitty: Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!

The War in Words- Bertie and Mary

Bertie… Mikey Day

Mary.. Carey Mulligan

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the History channel. At 10, it’s “All dogs go to hell: Hitler’s hounds in color”. But first, it’s “The war in words: Letters from the line.”

[Cut to intro]

Male voice: The letters from Lieutenant Bertie Pembrook of the royal Navy and his wife, Mary, 1943.

[Cut to Bertie write a letter’]

Bertie: My dearest Mary. The sea is quiet today. The German U-boat attacks have seized for now. [cut to Mary reading the letter] My thoughts drift as they often do to you, my dear wife. Tell me, love. Do you think of me? Your adoring husband, Bertie.

[Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie, yes. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie reading the letter and looking over if theres anything else written.]

Bertie: [writing the letter] Dearest Mary, i was thrilled to receive your letter. But alas, it was over so quickly. Your words do much to brighten my spirit, so tell me an amusing story or perhaps, a joke. Your’s, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie. Knock-knock. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear Mary, I fear the knock-knock joke structure does not lend itself to letters. Instead, and I hope I’m not being too forward, would you send me something a bit naughty? It is lonely at sea. Your blushing Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, you rascal. I shall do as you say and send along something naughty. But you better not pass it around your friends, dirty boy. Your naughty wife, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You have sent me cocaine! When I said naughty, I meant a racy photo, not an illegal narcotic. But I have bigger worries. Last night, my dear friend Steven was shot and died in my arms. Saddened at sea, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, don’t panic. As long as nobody saw you kill him, they can’t prove it was you. Trust me, I’ve been dow this road before. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: My love, I did not kill Steven. It was the Nazis, obviously. And what do you men you’ve been down this road before? Have you been involved in a murder? Concerned, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, no. Wink-wink. But smart movie blaming at Nazi. People don’t seem to like them much, even though the ones I met at dinner the other night were lovely. Yours, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You had dinner with the Nazis the other night? How? Why? details please. Alarmed in the Atlantic, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, oh you know me, always making new friends. By the way, I went to visit your parents the other day enclosing the photo of the three of us. With love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear god, Mary. What happened to my parents? [the picture she sent was a photo of her and tombstones] This is a photo of you in a graveyard. Why did you not tell me they passed away? Worried on the waves, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter] Mary: Bertie, I wanted to tell you in person, but you’ve been off with your friends.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: I’ve been at war!

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: But good news, as you know by now, Germany surrendered. I was visiting my sister in New York when we heard. We took to the streets to celebrate. A photo of me has been wound up on a magazine. Enclosing a copy along with a little gift. Your covergirl, Mary.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary, stop sending me cocaine. And as for the magazine, who the hell are you kissing? [opens the cocaine packet] Alright, you know what? I’m actually going to do this.

Male voice: This has been, “The war in words”

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out] [The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door] [Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck  and Alex  enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends] Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

Check-Splitting

Waitress… Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kandis… Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Mary… Cecily Strong

Beth… RuPaul

[Starts with a waitress handing over the check to a group in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Okay, guys. No rush. Just gonna leave the check.

Chris: Well, thank you.

Kyle: Hang on, birthday boy. You’re not paying a dime.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yes. Let’s all of us, the rest of us, we’re gonna split it. Is that okay with everyone?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, well, I didn’t have wine. Oh, but you know what? Who cares? It’s fine.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yeah, it’s just easier if you’re okay with that. I mean, and since we all have places to go, I think.

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Um, no. It’s totally fine.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Excuse me! Now the last thing I want is you call a fuss. But I cannot sit here and silence for one more moment while this unequal, unjust action unfolds!

Kandis: Mary, Beth, is there a problem?

Mary: Remind me, what is your name again?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously? I’m your supervisor. It’s Kandis.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Beth: Well, Kandis, I think you ought to ask yourself if you’re a supervisor or a taker of advantages of people.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: I’m sorry. I’m not following.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Well, let me draw a map for your thoughts then. You are storming on a woman to pay for wine that she did not have.

Beth: And further most, expect her to quietly sit and roll over like a prostitute from the Amsterdam district, I think not!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: You two haven’t spoken a word all night and now you’re like, mad?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Chris: Honestly, I can pay. I have a real birthday party to go to. So?

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: No one’s going anywhere. Because this situation has become un-tonable!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: Actually, I am gonna go because my babysitter leaves at eight whether I’m there or not.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle leaves.]

Beth: Well, fine! He left. But that’s the only one who leaves this table. Because the rest of you will stay and hear what you need to hear. Lock the doors!

[Cut to the waitress]

Waitress: You got it!

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: What?

[Cut to everybody]

Mary: You’re going to hear the story of this woman that you’ve all decided as too pathetic to be cheated with dignity!

Heidi: Whoa!

Beth: Because every night this woman goes home to nothing and nothing!

Mary: Empty apartment. Empty bed. Empty head. And now you predators want to empty her purse as well.

Beth: She want to Sephora on her lunch break to get eyelashes put on top of her own eyelashes.

[Heidi is getting embarrassed]

Hoping beyond all reason that maybe someone would become a true friend, she has none.

Heidi: Oh, my god!

[Heidi tries to stand but Mary and Beth push her back to the seat]

Mary: And again, might I remind you that she makes much less than everyone at this table.

Heidi: I do?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Yes, but they weren’t supposed to tell you that.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, also, I have friends.

Mary: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bop! Kandis, don’t worry about Kandis. Why don’t you leave Kandis to me.

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously guys, I will pay the whole bill. It’s no big deal.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Mary: Oh! Shall we all applaud queen Kandis? The queen of kindness and generosity?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: I wasn’t trying to be–

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Beth: And I want the entire restaurant to hear this.

[Cut to everybody in the restaurant]

Everyone turn to me! This woman who you so easily throw away like trash, do you know what she did today? Do you know what she did that none of you took the time to notice but us? She has been silently releasing wind at this dinner and said nothing because she didn’t want to miss a moment or steal any of the birthday attention.

Everybody: Wow!

Mary: Yes! So next time you decide that it’s okay to take advantage of the advantage-less, remind yourself that they’re but for the grace of god go you!

Beth: And Kandis, just so you know, and so your children will know, tonight is the night the lights went out in Georgia.

[The other people are clapping] [Mary and Beth leave] [Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: So, I guess they’re not gonna pay?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No, they left. And they’re temps, right?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, just for a week!

[The End]

Bachelorette Party | Season 44 Episode 17

Ego Nwodim

Erin… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Brian… Kit Harrington

Leslie Jones

Melissa Villaseñor

Mary… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a group of ladies having a bachelorette party]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I would like to propose a toast to Erin and Brian.

Everybody: To Erin and Brian.

Erin: Thank you girls so much for throwing me this bachelorette party, it’s so nice having all my girls on one room, my high school friends and my real friends.

Aidy Bryant: What?

[The door knocks]

Ego Nwodim: Who could that be, a surprise visitor?

Erin: Oh, my god, you guys, I said no strippers.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I think you’re going to like this one.

[Ego Nwodim goes to get the door]

Brian: Hello, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Brian, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Ego and Brian]

Brian: Tonight, I’m not just your fiancé. I’m the entertainment.

[Cut to the ladies]

Leslie Jones: Wait, you fiancé is going to strip for you? That’s actually really sweet.

Melissa Villaseñor: And hot. I’ve been thinking I might want to see Brian’s body.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hit it. [Music starts playing] Ladies, prepare yourselves for burlesque!

[Brian opens his jacket and starts dancing slowly. He’s wearing a female stripper’s clothes.] [Cut to Erin, Ego and Aidy]

Erin: Oh, my god!

Aidy Bryant: Wait. Is that the same thing as stripping?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: The art of slowly wearing less is burlesque. I hope you’re ready for the ‘40s because you’re about to see some bespoke ass. [Brian slaps his own ass] [Cut to Erin]

Erin: Brian, are you wearing heels?

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, just little ones for posture. [Cut to Brian] Now, shh and prepare to edge as you watch me take off my glove. [Brian takes off his gloves] [Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: Did he just say edge?

Melissa Villaseñor: Faster! Show us your buddy uddy uddy.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Patience, ladies. Soon Eva Braun will reveal all.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ego Nwodim: And Eva Braun is—

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: My stage name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Eva Braun is Hitler’s girlfriend, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: No, wife.

Brian: I’m so naughty. See my leg, it’s covered in hair.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yes. Thighs are good. Mama like.

Leslie Jones: Is it just me or—is he not really getting naked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: This is burlesque.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, my god, who are you?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: I’m Mary. I teach your husband the art of seducing. Men are not meant for the tease. But, thankfully your husband is no man.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, thank you. I’m sorry, you’re a dance teacher?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Teacher, prostitute, ghost.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Naughty girl, looky looky and you might see my cookie cookie.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Finally. I think he’s going to show us his body.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Very close. It’s actually a tiny fan. [Brian shows a small fan] [Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: [Laughs] And he’s still not naked.

[Cut to everybody. Brian jumps on to the table.]

Ego Nwodim: Well, Brian, nice big panties.

Brian: Oh, thanks. I tucked.

Erin: You tucked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Of course he tucked. It must be in the car seat, otherwise it flies through the window.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, no, I felt a pop in my tuck. My tuck is popped and I ducked.

[Mary walks to Brian]

Mary: Just move often to the finale, okay? Look at down there, they are edging so hard.

[Brian jumps off the table]

Brian: This is for my wife.

[Brian opens his clothes. He’s wearing an underwear.] [Everybody cheers] [Cut to everybody] [Erin walks to Brian]

Erin: Oh! Brian, my goodness, that was [Cut to Erin and Brian] one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. But you worked so hard on it and you did it for me. And I can’t wait to marry you.

Brian: Thank you, baby. I love you.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, great job. I’m going to be thinking about that body for a long time.

[Cut to Erin and Brian]

Brian: Well, thanks sis.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: That’s your sister?