Alex… Taran Killam
George… Bobby Moynihan
Maryland… Cecily Strong
Anthony Peter Coman… Bill Hader[Starts with a notice board.]
Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to puppetry for advanced students. [Cut to a puppet class] You all have some experience with puppets. [Cut to Alex] So, we’re gonna be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive. Um, my name is Alex [he puts up his puppet] and this guy is Wigglesby.
Wigglesby: And I’m a jolly old chap, aren’t I? Chum?
Alex: [laughing] You sure are. Now lets hear from you guys.[Cut to George]
George: I’m George.[George puts up his puppet]
Herman the Hippie: And I’m Herman the Hippie, wavy, gravy, man!
George: Look, I didn’t finish my puppet.[Cut to Alex.]
Alex: You’ll have time. Alright? How about you?[Cut to Maryland]
Maryland: I’m Maryland. This is the one thing I do each week for me. [she puts up her puppet]And This is old Mrs. Hooper.
Mrs. Hooper: I’m having a little trouble keeping up. What’s Google?[Cut to Alex]
Alex: I can see, she’s a handful. [laughing] And you[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He’s wearing aviators and military jacket.]
Anthony Peter Coman: [talks in deep voice seriously] My name is Anthony Peter Coman, private first class, operation urgent fury, recipient of the Purple Heart, pending, pending for the review.[Cut to Alex]
Alex: Uh-huh. Okay. And your puppet’s name?[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He puts up his puppet. His puppet is also wearing aviators and a military jacket.]
Anthony Peter Coman: Tony.[Cut to Alex]
Alex: Okay. Let’s go ahead and hear from Tony.
Anthony Peter Coman: [Anthony Peter Coman looking at Tony] Go ahead, tell them.
Tony: It was a hot night in Grenada. The enemy was in the trees. the mud, everywhere. Sarge Sig called in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed. Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire. It was like a cook out. And we were the meet. I used my best friend as an umbrella.
Alex: Okay, alright! Wow! [Cut to Alex] Wow! Um, well actually, one thing I like to is start off with a little joke. You like jokes, don’t you Wigglesby?
Wigglesby: Not as much as I like tea and crambits.
Alex: You guys go ahead and give it a try.[Cut to George]
Herman the Hippie: Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? They’re longer than my hair, man!
George: I swear, I have the hair at home.[Cut to Alex]
Alex: It’s alright. It’s completely fine. Alright? Do you have a joke for us Mrs. Hooper?[Cut to Maryland]
Mrs. Hooper: My grand daughter sent me a little picture of a snowman. She calls it an emoji. I call it a waste of time.[Puppet Tony slides in]
Tony: If I had to use emojis to describe my time at Grenada, it would be palm tree, flame thrower, baby, flame thrower, mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.
Alex: Okay! Okay! [Cut to Alex] Tony, we’re telling jokes now.[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]
Tony: Here’s a joke. God![Cut to Alex]
Alex: Um, alright. Actually, something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves. Like, Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]
Anthony Peter Coman: The opposite of me? Okay.
Tony: I was not charged with war crimes. My favorite game is not Russian Roulette. I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.
Alex: No, no! [Cut to Alex] I don’t think– I guess I mean like, even a different type of character. Different voice.[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]
Anthony Peter Coman: Okay.
Tony: [In French accent.] My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume. Bonjour.[Cut to Alex]
Alex: Yayy! Yes, that’s fun. Tell us about Jacqueline.[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]
Tony: Jacqueline was my undercover identity. Ragen and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the general. It was a honey pot, a sex trap. I did what I had to do.[Anthony Peter Coman takes smokes a cigarette but Tony breathes out the smoke.] [Cut to Alex looking shocked]
Alex: Um, now when you’re building your puppet’s personality, you wanna think about who your audience will be. So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets.[Cut to George]
George: Well, I know this might be a bit cliche, but I always dreamed of one day I would work on Sesame street.
Herman the Hippie: [singing] Can you tell me how to get–[Puppet Tony slides in]
Tony: [singing] How to get nightmares to stop.[Cut to Alex]
Alex: Wow, Anthony, enough! Okay? You need help.[Cut to puppet Tony shaking. He’s listening voices saying ‘help, help, help’ from the war.] [Cut to the past where two puppets are walking in the jungle.]
Washington: Thanks for the help, Anthony.
Anthony: No problem, Washington. While you’re with me, everything will be A– Stop![Cut to Washington’s leg triggering a mine and it exploding.]
Anthony: No![Cut to Washington in Anthony’s arm]
Washington: [coughing] Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already?
Anthony: Yeah, that’s snow. It’s not your damn stuffing. [screaming] Washington![Cut to puppet Tony holding Alex’s puppet in his hand]
Alex: Okay, let’s take five, sounds good?[Everybody agrees]