Tag: Mate McKinnon

Weekend Update- Robert Mueller

Colin Jost

Robert Mueller… Mate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, special council Robert Mueller may have reached a deal with Steve Bannon in exchange for his testimony in the Russia investigation. Here to comment is Robert Mueller.

[Robert Mueller slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Robert Mueller: Oh, hi. Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: Hey. How are you there?

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s me, Robert Mueller.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. You look great.

Robert Mueller: Yeah. Thank you.

Colin Jost: You look great. Thanks for being here.

Robert Mueller: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. I wanted to come out here tonight to assure the American people that our investigation’s progressing smoothly. We’re looking forward to a timely and orderly conclusion.

Colin Jost: That’s great. And, can you give us a sense of where it’s heading?

Robert Mueller: Well, obviously I can’t discuss particulars of an ongoing investigation. But… [Robert Mueller is smiling hard] Yeah. We’re good.

Colin Jost: Really? Really? We good?

Robert Mueller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean… no, no. You just wait. You’ll see.

Colin Jost: So, even with like, the Trump bout it, or–

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re good. We’re good. Situation’s under control. Colin, you got– okay, yeah. You gotta remember, I have actual footage of– no. You know what? I want to tell you so bad. I can’t. I’m not gonna. it’s gonna be fun. Yeah.

Colin Jost: So, then I take it you have nard evidence?

Robert Mueller: Colin, come on. You’re putting me in a weird position. I cannot comment on that. But yeah, big time. I just– oh man! Can I tell them? Ah! I want to tell em’ one thing. Okay. I shouldn’t be– no. Okay, so– yeah. Don Jr., he wrote in his Venmo description, “Russia– ” No! I can’t! Oh! I can’t! It hurts. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, don’t do this. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Oh, my god.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what happens if Trump fires you?

Robert Mueller: He could. That’s a real possibility. But, it’s a little late for that. Cat’s out of the bag. And the bag’s full of, um, how do I say this? Michael Flynn’s wire tap. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Wait. So, you put a wire on Flynn?

Robert Mueller: I can neither confirm nor deny this, Colin. Please. But, if you were to, I don’t know, ask me to bang the desk for if I did.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, bang the desk if– [Robert Mueller bangs the desk] But is it bad? Or–? [Colin Jost bangs the desk few more times] But it’s not like treason bad, right?

Robert Mueller: I don’t know.

[Robert Mueller starts banging the desk here and there.]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s not. Colin, you gotta understand. The guide didn’t leave me a bread crunch here. He left me full loaves. Fresh seven grain loaves straight from panera bread. I’m having a blast, man.

Colin Jost: Well, can you give us any sense of how this all ends?

Robert Mueller: Yes. Okay. Well, let me put it this way. You know how you love the show ‘Lost’? But it never really came together. There was no satisfying ending. Ah! [smiling] This ain’t lost.

Colin Jost: Robert Mueller, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office]

[cheers and applause]

[David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out]

[creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon]

[Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk]

[Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!